Friends to dating to friends with benefits

THEZAPPA

Hi all,

I was friends with a guy for 2 years whom I had met in college. We get along so well and he was always the "nice guy". We went to visit a mutual friend on a weekend get together. Needless to say we ended up together(not sex) and started dating. I actually never liked him in that way till the weekend and he is also the first guy I've actually liked a lot since my last relationship nearly 3 years ago.

We spent a lot of time together, told each other everything, went on many dates, met each others friends and family and it was all very exciting with promises for future weekend breaks etc. It was all going really great. We hadn't become official yet but he started to bring it up.

We went out one night and everything was great until the next morning, we went to get breakfast and he just comes out with the dreaded "I don't want a relationship". We decided to take it slower as we had been spending so much time together and just be friends. Needless to say that didn't work out and we went back to same old routine of being in a relationship without actually being in a relationship.

The talk came up again by text this time and I said be a man and say it to my face. We meet up and we talked. At this point I knew it was over and we are both upset because we can't even be friends. Now this is the most upsetting bit, he tells me "I realize I do want a relationship...but not with you". I felt like I had been stabbed in the chest. If a guy I had only known for 3 months said that to me I would a little upset but I have known him and been friends with him for 2 years so this cut me up deeply.

I left and we said our goodbyes and the last thing he said was he was angry and disappointed. After all this we are still meeting up, mostly me asking if he wants to do something and we still spend most of our weekends together like a couple, cooking breakfast and dinners, watching movies etc

I just can't understand where the hell we are at with each other. I can't stop thinking about him but I know he obviously doesn't want a relationship with me but he still keeps going along with this thing, whatever it is. I don't really want a relationship with him but I love the companionship and enjoy our time together. However, I know my feelings are getting stronger for him.

What should I do? I know I need to break it up and cut him out of my life but I just seem to be unable to stay away.

Czarcasm

THEZAPPA wrote: »

What should I do? I know I need to break it up and cut him out of my life but I just seem to be unable to stay away.

Jesus, he really shìts all over you OP, fairness! I wouldn't spend any more time with someone who had told me they don't even want to be friends with me. You really need to broaden your social circle, as this guy doesn't seem like he's taking your feelings into consideration at all. In fact it suits him that you keep coming back for more as he offers you no commitment and everything you do seems to be based on his terms.

Of course initially it can feel impossibly hard to do, but can you imagine the long term implications of investing so much of yourself in this guy and getting nothing in return, sacrificing all you could've had with other friends and other guys and for what? Nothing.

judgefudge

Your feelings are getting stronger, and he doesn't want a relationship with you. He has put that in the bluntest way possible. You need to stop seeing him OP or you'll just get hurt. Honestly, walk away.

As for wondering why he's continuing to see you. Why wouldn't he? He's getting companionship too, and presumably sex. And since he has told you he doesn't want a relationship there's in none of the commitment. That's why he's continuing it, not because he cares about you, or sees it growing into anything. Just keep telling yourself that.

maria34

I dont understand. U do have a relationship tho! Or is he having sex with other women too?

I would just let it be. Wouldnt contact him or asking to come over. If he asks himself, i would say no.

heretochat

To be blunt - walk away... His position has been made 100% clear.. If you keep on like this you will be nothing more than a doormat..

LegacyUser

OP, I have been there and done that and I can tell you that he is still around because he enjoys the companionship and your friendship and not being on his own. However, as soon as someone new comes along you will be dropped like a hot potato and that is when it will hurt most.

I was in the same boat in the past with a male friend. We were very close, spent all of our time together, holidayed together, lived together in a house share situation, we were inseparable and people often assumed that we were married!

However he would never commit to anything other than friendship yet I continued with things as they were as I couldn't see how we could be in each other's lives any other way. Eventually he met someone who he did want to be in a relationship with and I became persona non grata. Often he wouldn't answer my calls or texts, sometimes for days, he rarely came home (we were still house sharing) and eventually he moved in with the new gf.

We are still good friends and love each other but more like a brother and sister. It took an awful lot for our friendship to get over it as much because of how he treated me rather than the fact he went out with someone else. His relationship ending in a spectacular fashion helped (:D). We are unlikely to ever get together in the future despite a lot of people's expectations.

OP, the only thing that got me up and out of the rut I was in when this all happened was making space for myself. Spending time with every friend I had who wasn't him, spending time with family, learning to enjoy time on my own again and just moving forward with things however slowly. We were still in contact but I didn't rely on him for my happiness or companionship any more and you probably need to do something similar. It doesn't have to be spectacular or involve any falling out, just make plans for yourself and don't always make yourself available for him; you need to distance yourself from him now before he hurts you any more.

Catari Jaguar

"Nice guys" eh? See what happens when you show them some interest and they get their confidence up? Think they can walk all over you and you'll come running when they click their fingers, hung up and delighted to get their attention scraps. Ass.

OP, this blog has the best relationship advice and straight talking I have ever some across. It makes such sense and some of it cuts close to the bone but it's so helpful. Why you're nobody's "option"

THEZAPPA

Thank you all for your replies!

I would be the one to make him jump when I want him but you are all right, I need to cut it off as it is unhealthy.