Okay,own up.

Hagar the Nice.

Everyone does something really stupid so own up what's yours?
Here goes ......
My sis used to bring her 4 kids to my gran's house every Saturday (I was raised by my grandparents) whilst I went to a local market to sell records and posters.
I would always make sure there was plenty of food available for them,especially biscuits.
One particular Saturday I came home to find every biscuit I bought was gone so I decided that I'd hide them ALL the next Saturday,big mistake.
It was late November and I hid all of the biscuits under my single blanket,it was really cold that evening so at 10 o'clock I shoved on the electric blanket and an hour later headed for my kip.
Next thing I felt was my legs and feet totally covered in Tunnocks T cakes,Caramel logs,Penguins,Kit Kats and Blue Ribands,
I shouted 'WTF is going on.'
Boy,did I feel a right tit that night,never again did I do that,lesson learned.:(

banquo

I once ate a load of melted caramel logs and biscuits I found in a bin outside someone's house.

bgrizzley

Legs covered in caramel log. Yup, been there...

Renegade Mechanic

Stuck my arse just past my sisters bedroom door and let rip with a merciless cider fart.
Next day my wardrobe smelled like a Parisian wh*re. Literally couldnt wear anything in it..

1ZRed

Nope, never done anything stupid. Ever

Banjo String

Willy wonka porn

wazky

Received oral sex from a cannibal, never again.

MurdyWurdy

It took me three goes to pass my driving test, back when the waiting list was really long. When I finally passed I was so happy I cut up my provisional licence as a kind of **** you, I don't need you anymore gesture.

All well and good until I went to apply for my full licence and was told I couldn't get it without giving them my provisional licence. Had to fess up to the guy in the motor tax office what I had done (so embarrassing) and then go the guards and sign a form to say the licence "had been destroyed/lost". When I explained to the guard what had happened he looked at me like I needed to be put in special care and shouldn't be allowed on the roads - not my finest moment!

The Narrator

"What's all this brown stuff in your bed?"

"Ehh....chocolate. Yeah...chocolate."

Ace Attorney

When I was around 7 I got a kinder surprise egg and got a Disney themed prize, it was goofey and I had to assemble him from little bits and pieces, anyway for whatever reason I decided to put the last part of it in my ear and became anxious when I couldnt get it out of my ear, my parents were frightened and I Started to bawl crying, they took me to the doctors and he shined a light in me ear and then he got a water syringe thing and put it in my ear and told me to tilt my head, sure enough the little bit fell out, it was goofeys nose and I picked it up and finshed off my figure, the doctor pissed himself laughing he said it was the first time he had a patient with a nose stuck in his ear

lkionm

Asked the gf if she wanted a threesome.

Mary28

I went through a mad phase of eating toasted sambos cos we got one of those sambo toasting things when they first came out about 30 yrs ago. The instructions said to butter the outside of the bread so it would be nice and crispy so that's what I used to do. Eventually I got sick of them and moved back to normal untoasted sambos. But I kept buttering the outside of the bread cos I got so used to doing it. So I'd be there with my hands destroyed with butter trying to eat the slippery sambo. Took me weeks to cop on and turn the buttered side in.

Went to bed very drunk with a hot water bottle cos I had a bad cold. Woke up with blisters on my leg which turned into ulcers cos I was so run down. Had to go to the public health nurse to change the dressings every few days cos it was so bad. Water in the bottle was boiling and I was so drunk I didn't feel it burning my leg. Took months to heal and I still have a scar.

Impaled my foot on the gate at lesson street church taking a shortcut through the church grounds. Was in crutches for a week after.
Jumped over a wall another time as another shortcut and damaged my foot, crutches for another week and off work.

No shortage of stupid stories here unfortunately.

Czarcasm

To give this some convext, posted this yesterday in the awkward moments thread:

Czarcasm wrote: »

Horribly coincidental really, but having posted this in the trivial annoyances thread-

Czarcasm wrote: »

Continuing the urinary theme, when you're on "the baby train", well, that's what it fcuking feels like right now-

I'm afraid to look up because there's kids everywhere, and I know before the train took off one child had already pissed on his seat.

I can't move carriages because I'm wedged in beside the window by a rather large lady, normally I wouldn't even mind that, but she's a rather large and aesthetically challenged lady with a temper that could only compete with her stroppy two year old. Two more hours of this....

Thank fcuk for headphones at least.

I realised about ten minutes later that I recognised this girl! There was no mistaking that ginger hair that even 20 years later was done in the same pony tail, fringe out front style!

I went out with her 20 years ago, she's from my home town, and her and her friend here were organising drinks at 6 down the very same pub that 20 years ago we were drinking in!

I don't think she recognises me. I'll just keep staring into the phone

She was insatiable in bed back then. But fortunately all the kids were too young to possibly be mine. Time hadn't been kind to her either, but that shìt comes back to haunt you! :pac:

MadsL

lkionm wrote: »

Asked the gf if she wanted a threesome.

She asked for the bad kind, right?

Hagar the Nice.

lkionm wrote: »

Asked the gf if she wanted a threesome.

So she got two other blokes did she?
















Just kiddinggggggggg.:)

lkionm

MadsL wrote: »

She asked for the bad kind, right?

Fortunately no. It just didnt well.


















I shouldnt have suggested her mother though

Hagar the Nice.

Thatdoesnt looksafe tome AHHHHHHH wrote: »

When I was around 7 I got a kinder surprise egg and got a Disney themed prize, it was goofey and I had to assemble him from little bits and pieces, anyway for whatever reason I decided to put the last part of it in my ear and became anxious when I couldnt get it out of my ear, my parents were frightened and I Started to bawl crying, they took me to the doctors and he shined a light in me ear and then he got a water syringe thing and put it in my ear and told me to tilt my head, sure enough the little bit fell out, it was goofeys nose and I picked it up and finshed off my figure, the doctor pissed himself laughing he said it was the first time he had a patient with a nose stuck in his ear

My cider just went all over the carpet:(

Hagar the Nice.

Totally forgot the time I was 14 and my gran went to Lourdes with a group of folk from the diocese of Motherwell,my grandad woke me for school before leaving for work at 7.30 am.
As the were away I thought I'd pass the week by dodging school which I hated,one teacher though hated youngsters missing school,Jimmy McCann was his name,he would give anyone 6 of the belt if he knew they were being fly.
On the 4th I was off,I happened to look out of the window (we stayed on the 3rd floor) and lo and behold,Jimmy was getting out of his car.
I was in my Jamma top and jeans so I got an old paper,got a dod of peanut butter,shoved the mince that was left from the day before and then skooshed some lemonade that was on the table over all of it.
Thankfully for me,Jimmy had a bad leg and walked slowly,so I jumped into bed and Jimmy rapped the door and walked straight in.
'Aw Tony,Jeezo son yer looking awful,'
'I feel awful sir,'I replied.
'Listen Tony,you come back when your fit and able,ok.'
'Okay sir,thanks.'
My heart was racing something awful but thankfully I foxed him,at the end of term many of the pupils including me were leaving school and I decided to tell him exactly what happened,his reply is unrepeatable on here but he did let out a wee smile,all the other pupils were in stitches.

Cody Pomeray

Renegade Mechanic wrote: »

Stuck my arse just past my sisters bedroom door and let rip with a merciless cider fart.
Next day my wardrobe smelled like a Parisian wh*re. Literally couldnt wear anything in it..

I'm afraid to ask but... what did your sister do in there

Czarcasm

Cody Pomeray wrote: »

I'm afraid to ask but... what did your sister do in there

A Parisian whore?

I had a double whammy of stupid over the last few days. Tripped on a kerb in Drogheda, landed flat on my face. Still have the bruises to prove it. Then yesterday I dropped my phone on the floor tiles in work, nice big crack in the glass to show for it.

Hagar the Nice.

Hagar the Nice. wrote: »

so I got an old paper,got a dod of peanut butter,shoved the mince that was left from the day before and then skooshed some lemonade that was on the table over all of it.

I'm unclear what you actually did with this?

oldyouth

Christmas Party, free bar, manager's wife, 'nuf said.

princess-lala

bluewolf wrote: »

I'm unclear what you actually did with this?

I *think* its supposed to be vomit :eek: I am open to correction though

meoklmrk91

When I was around 9-10-11 I liked nickelback , someone knowing this burned a CD for me, I noticed upon opening the case they had written "nickelback" and "silver side up" on the CD, I thought that something must have gone wrong in the burning process and the CD had to be out in upside down to play. When it wouldn't I called my older sister and asked her for help, she then through peels of laughter informed that silver side up was the name of the album.

So not only did I have terrible taste in a music as a child, I was a also techtarded.

GalwayGuy2

Originally Posted by Cody Pomeray
I'm afraid to ask but... what did your sister do in there

I think he meant she sprayed perfume everywhere.

But, you know, my first thought was that she masturbated in there.

princess-lala

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

But, you know, my first thought was that she masturbated in there.

:eek:

Czarcasm

How has nobody posted this already?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a43kowi2ncI

yellowcrayon

My story is a little similar to the one on the first page of putting things in places where they dont belong...

When me and my sister wrote our Xmas letter to Santa every year we would tear out pictures and page numbers from the Argos catalogue and glue them to a piece of paper.

Once year when i was about 6 we decided to start our letters extra early at the start of November. I went about my business tearing out pictures and page numbers, but then I remembered that Xmas wasn't for another month and a half and was afraid I would lose the bits of catalogue I had torn out.... So I decided to roll them into little balls and shove them up my nose for safe keeping.

After about 20 mins of having them up my nose I decided to see if I could take them back out. I couldn't...... Cue my poor mother making me sniff pepper for the next hour to make me sneeze them all out.

meoklmrk91

meoklmrk91 wrote: »

When I was around 9-10-11 I liked nickelback , someone knowing this burned a CD for me, I noticed upon opening the case they had written "nickelback" and "silver side up" on the CD, I thought that something must have gone wrong in the burning process and the CD had to be out in upside down to play. When it wouldn't I called my older sister and asked her for help, she then through peels of laughter informed that silver side up was the name of the album.

So not only did I have terrible taste in a music as a child, I was a also techtarded.

You reminded me of the first time we tried to bring a CD around to some neighbours in Kerry around 1996/97. They had no idea what a CD player was and tried to play it on a turntable! :pac:

GalwayGuy2

Don't judge me LaLa

It was the Parision whore part that threw me. You know...unwashed...a certain smell...

But then I pretty much instantly thought it was the perfume.

princess-lala

Oh holy moses!! Blame the perfume all the time

I put the screw in the tuna

Czarcasm

Dónal wrote: »

I put the screw in the tuna

That must have been one very traumatised tuna fish!

Hagar the Nice.

bluewolf wrote: »

I'm unclear what you actually did with this?

It was a large newspaper,I shoved the contents which now resembled boak,onto it,dragged it to my bedroom next door and then Jimmy came in and thought I really did boak.;)

Hagar the Nice.

Czarcasm wrote: »

That must have been one very traumatised tuna fish!

Brilliant.:D

Birneybau

oldyouth wrote: »

Christmas Party, free bar, manager's wife, 'nuf said.

You swapped clothes with her, went in drag?

Caonima

Too many to count...

Jumped out of my 2nd floor bedroom window when I was about 14. Knocked myself out when I hit the ground.

Cycling in Shanghai - only the brave or the stupid do it. 2 crashes so far, broken bones and nasty cuts, but still alive.

Slapped my sister's friend's bum one time, when I was a bit sozzled - she turned around and fully bitch-slapped me in the face.

Carried one of my drunk students out of a karaoke bar over my shoulder - he puked all down the back of my shirt.

Ted_YNWA

That money wasn't really resting in my account ...

banquo

It happened in Waterford in 2004. Family we were visiting lived in a long narrow bungalow with the kitchen / front room at one end of the house, a bathroom in the middle and the parents ensuite bathroom down the other end.

I went to the regular bathroom (bungalow middle), found it engaged, so went to use the parents’ ensuite.

Went in, closed the door behind me, did me business, and turned the doorknob to leave.

The doorknob wasn’t a handle, it was one of those bulb shaped things that you twist. This knob twisted round and round again with zero resistance, meaning that the part inside the door that holds it closed wasn’t being pulled back to let the door open.

So I was locked in a bathroom I hadn’t told anyone I was going to, and well out of earshot from the rest of the house.

After thinking hard, I figured I could call the house telephone - nobody else had a mobile at the time - and ask someone to come down and help me. Not having their number, I struck upon the idea of calling whatever the equivalent of 11811 was at the time.

According to the lady operator, there were something like 9 Ann McCaffertys in Waterford, and I hadn’t a breeze what district or whatever it is to narrow it down. So I set about calling them.

The only one I remember was a elderly lady, hard of hearing, who didn’t understand that I was looking for a different Ann McCafferty, but dutifully went off to check her bathroom to see if it was hers I was trapped in. Being too polite to just hang up, I had to wait 15 painful minutes listening to silence on the phone, knowing I was responsible for sending an old lady to check her bathroom to see if a man was trapped in it.

After about 40 more minutes of this nonsense, my aunt enters the bedroom containing the ensuite I’m stuck in. Turns out all I had to do was push the door open, the builders never bothered actually negotiating the whole doorknob-doorframe relationship. There was zero resistance. But hey, I got a story out of it.

jrmb

Examiner: "Coungratulations. You've passed your driving test."

Cousin: "Are you sure?!"