Oh dear

GalwayGirl001

Hi all, I've been looking for some advice.......I've been with my partner for 8 years. We've never lived together as he works in London. But we talk on the phone most nights and we spend most weekends together. I really enjoy the time we spend together and get on very well with him, we have a the same sense of humour, so will usually spend a good bit of time giggling. I've never had the highest sex drive in the world, but lately it seems non-existent. It's caused quite a lot of problems as I often will just have sex with him, regardless of whether I'm really in the mood, but I think he feels quite rejected because he knows that's what I'm doing. I don't know what to do.... I'm very happy with every other aspect of our relationship, I really love him and care about him an awful lot. But I think this is something that is really making him unhappy and while (I know this isn't normal) I would be very happy to carry on that way, accepting that the sexual side of things will never be great, but happy with everything else I don't think he would. And while my sex drive may be partly to blame, I do think it may also be....... he's put on quite a bit of weight while we've been going out. I feel so frustrated, I really love him and accept him exactly as he is, but it's true that it may be more to do with that than just a low sex drive on my part. So I can't figure out what to do, I would be quite happy to continue this way, but I know he's hurt. But I can't imagine telling him that if he got fitter maybe I'd be more attracted to him.......I just don't want to hurt him, but I feel like it's unavoidable.

Chucky the tree

Tell him you are becoming less attracted to him and his extra weight might have something to do with it. Best way to tackle the situation I think.

December2012

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Tell him you are becoming less attracted to him and his extra weight might have something to do with it. Best way to tackle the situation I think.

I would normally agree with this, however it's my experience that it makes the other person feel worse about themselves and doesn't actually motivate them to do anything.

Could you keep the two issues separate?

Could you talk to your OH about their health and concern you have for them about their weight?

wirelessdude01

Maybe start doing some exercise together. Might be the kickstart he needs.

Voltex

Covert rather than overt maybe the way to go, plant a seed in his mind about how great it might be to be trim and healthy and see if he picks it up himself. Losing weight is one of those things a person has to be in the right mind-set to do...

Are you sure its just his physical appearance that's the only issue? Being away puts a strain on the strongest relationships. Are you sure your not looking for a day to day companionship along with a physical relationship?

astonaidan

I most definitely wouldn't not tell him he needs to lose weight.
You could always use hints go for walks or go to the gym yourself and tell him how buzzing you are after it

Chucky the tree

December2012 wrote: »

I would normally agree with this, however it's my experience that it makes the other person feel worse about themselves and doesn't actually motivate them to do anything.

Could you keep the two issues separate?

Could you talk to your OH about their health and concern you have for them about their weight?

Meh, might as well be blunt about it. If he's going to throw the toys of the pram then I'd definitely start considering the relationship then. I think there is something very off-putting about a person who can't take honest opinions/advice/criticism.

GalwayGirl001

Wow, quick responses, really appreciate it! He's VERY stubborn, that's the thing. I think he'll feel like I'm shallow for it, but I don't feel that way entirely. I think I'd be shallow if I left him because of it, but at the end of the day I really can't help what I am or amn't physically attracted to. I'd take on board the comment that maybe I'm displacing other issues, and I've considered it, but no, this really is the issue. I think encouraging working out together is probably the best way to go.

GalwayGirl001

When I said the "Very Stubborn" thing, I meant that if I approadched it from the point of view of being concerned about his health (which I am, I've never known anyone with a diet as bad as his, at least not that I've been aware of) I don't think he'd take it on board. He'd just be defensive

December2012

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Meh, might as well be blunt about it. If he's going to throw the toys of the pram then I'd definitely start considering the relationship then. I think there is something very off-putting about a person who can't take honest opinions/advice/criticism.

I agree... But you have to appreciate how sensitive this issue is for people - it's tied into confidence, esteem, the lot.

I agree that the perception is that to have a problem with it means you are shallow - even though I don't think it's shallow myself.