Growing grouchy

GoodBridge

Taken from:
http://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/1jwk1v/i_am_seeing_my_parents_slowly_turn_from_strong/

Thought it might be interesting to the oulwans 'n' oulfellas here in several ways.

Have quoted the esp. relevant bits:

I am seeing my parents slowly turn from strong youthful and active parents into old, racist, stereotypes and it is horrible.

The worse is how subtle it is, and you don't notice it at first, but you feel it, slowly. At the dinners table, it is not happy conversation but a condescending talk about how it was harder back in the times, and how everything was better.

And of course, racist jokes, from blatant ones to subtle generalizations about ''those people, living in the poorer parts''

And I am trying my best to keep up and put on a smile, but it is hard to not feel down from seeing them more and more get out of touch with present day, getting more angry and unhappy about everything. Dad trying to get my older brother to follow in his footsteps, and it seems to be making him as miserable as Dad.

But in the end I guess I understand them, Dad laments time to time in short bursts - nearly unwittingly - about how time goes so fast and how scared he is over it.
Or how Mother sees her children moving out of the house.

I can't help to wonder: Will it happen to me? Will I regret age past and tremble for the future? Or more seeing the end of your future?

Why are some retired people so happy and active, and some are hateful and discontempt with everything.

I guess I selfishly wished my parents would become the former, but it seems more and more lean to the second, and seeing it come slow and steadily is so disheartening that I almost can't bear it. I wish parents were parents sometimes, and not humans like everyone else.

As a mid-40's dad I can understand what your parents are going through. So many years on this planet, so many experiences. So much time to figure out what you like and don't like. Stereotypes reinforced thousands of times over. So few movies coming out with an original plot. New music starts to sound like old music, fashions come and go, so much of what was old is now new again.
Sadly for many there is also the un-realization of their dreams. Men who had posters of Lamborghinis on their walls as a child now see their owners as "compensating for something" or having a mid-life crisis. Women look in the mirror at night seeing their bodies ravaged by childbirth or age remembering when they were sexy. Spouses look at each other and wonder what happened to that hardbody they married.

You also can't sit or stand any more like you used to. Things are starting to creak and groan, you have weird headaches, eyes are getting fuzzy. Things are breaking down. You're starting to take pills, and the mid 40's is where a lot of people start taking medicine they'll have to take for the rest of their lives.

You're exiting the prime demographic for just about everything. The next big thing you have to look forward to is turning 50 and what the hell fun is that? Also you're technically a "senior" according to AARP. Loads of fun.

Then there's the money. You see younger people getting hired to do what you do, and while you're not in danger yet it's still a concern. If you're not moving up to management your concerns will be even greater. Trying to get a new job will be much tougher very soon.

Suddenly you realize that you don't have enough money to retire. Sure you might have 6 months salary in savings and maybe 200k in an IRA, but that's nowhere near enough to maintain your lifestyle. You run the numbers and realize you need 2 million in the bank to keep going like you are. You gotta save ten thousand a month until you retire to get there.

On top of all that, you have put up with so much crap your whole life it has become tiresome. You've had ****ty service from restaurants so many times that you are much quicker to complain. When talking with others you start to hear the "same old line" and you cut them off immediately. Life is too short not to get things right, and by god you're going to make sure things get done right. You're not putting up with a shoddy paint job, bad food, store closing five minutes early, or whatever.

Then there's Grandma and Grandpa. Possibly dead or on the way to it. Your mom and dad's moms and dads. Your parents probably both bounced on their daddy's lap, went for walks with their mommy, maybe went on family trips or a picnic. They thought their parents would never die. They'd always be there. They saw their parents decline as you see yours do so now. But, now they're dying or gone and soon they'll be all that's left.

Your parents don't become any less mommy and daddy after you move out. Most people still depend on them for something even if it's just the knowledge that they exist. When they're gone it's scary and you finally get hit with the unalterable truth that you are now it. There's nobody to run to, no one to bail you out, nobody there for a fatherly/motherly opinion. You're now that person.

Most adults go through some or all of these thoughts. How they handle it is different for everyone. But once a person falls in to the familiar and comfortable (emotions, thoughts, political views, movies, favorite chair, etc.) it's tough to get out. Some people don't want to get out.
....
TL;DR Get off my lawn.

Now, the best bit, in my humble opinion, is actually a comment made about these:

And this is exactly why various schools of spiritual thought suggest that we cause a lot of our own suffering and that self identity (more specifically, clinging to it) is one of the causes of this suffering. Most of that post demonstrates the value of striving to accept what is as opposed to dwelling on what you think ought to be.

I'm not suggesting it's easy to learn to let go, just that it's beneficial. A good place to start is getting rid of the habit of defining yourself based on external factors. There's a subtle difference between someone who owns a Lamborghini and someone who defines themselves as a Lamborghini owner. The person who ties it up as part of their identity is going to have a much harder time if suddenly the car is no longer part of their existence. The same is true for pretty much any other transient part of our lives and it's all transient.

It seems pretty clear to me that not everyone goes through an embittering stage and the people I know who haven't have figured out how to roll with the punches. It's not that they don't enjoy what they have, strive for better or plan for the future but they don't tie themselves up in it. Their identity is rooted in in things like their work ethic, sense of humor or sense of compassion.

I've read this before in books like 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and it's also a recurring theme in various religions (well, Christianity and Buddhism that I know of) and it's this: never define yourself by a role you play or by a possession you have. You can lose any or all of them, and if you do, you're lost. You haven;t even For example, a woman who defines herself as Mother is lost when her children leave. A man who defines himself as businessman is lost when he's made redundant or fails, etc.

ack. ten past two... back to work.

Jellybaby1

(a) You won't know why or how parents/grandparents get grouchier, until you yourself get older. Give it time, all will become apparent.

(b) When I was one of the employed, I would have gone for a walk during my lunch hour. I recommend it, it's really nice.

muffler

Ah feck of the lot of ye.



















I have a big birthday coming up in a couple of weeks

GoodBridge

muffler wrote: »

Ah feck of the lot of ye.

happy birthday.... ye oul fart



I think my post might came across a bit depressing but that wasn't really what I was aiming for. It was actually written in an optimistic state of mind. I suppose it just struck as a very important thing to remember.

Jellybaby, thanks for the advice. I actually do go for a walk half the time. The other half, I give out on the internet.

Get off my thread! /shakes fist

Jellybaby1

Good Bridge, no, not leaving your thread not even if you shakes your fist at me! Shaking a fist doesn't really scare me! Anyway, like a lot of oulwans I get grumpy and this is where I come to vent my grumpiness (sometimes). And this is where I come to forget or escape my grumpiness and the grumpiness of others.

It does creep up on you, old age, when you are not looking, and then you realise there is not that much time left to do all that you planned, also at this stage, there is no point in bothering anyway.

I deal with it by keeping as busy as I can. When one interest fades, I just begin something else.

Muffler, I hope you are going to celebrate being only the age you are! Give it welly!

Eeden

Fear of death. I reckon most things come down to this.

BBDBB

Eeden wrote: »

Fear of death. I reckon most things come down to this.

that and piles

looksee

Eeden wrote: »

Fear of death. I reckon most things come down to this.

Not so much fear of death as shortage of life.

If I have been grumpy recently it is down to awareness of and limitation by my own physical state and that of those around me. Generally though I think I am more tolerant of others' differences - racism etc - I can't get uptight about what other people do provided they are not having a negative impact on me or others.

OldGoat

My kids refer to me (affectionate I hope) as RantyPants. I love my grouchiness and I'm right to love it. It's my prerogative lose patience with idiots who fail to see things my way when I'm using the benefit of years of experience ant they only have the perspective of youth. I get ranty rather then argue the same thing for the umptheenth time. I just growl and bark.
Even here in Moderating terms I used to take the time to write to miscreants and point out how they are infringing on the rules terms and conditions thus steering them to being more useful contributors to the forum. Now I just ban the feckers.

muffler

OldGoat wrote: »

idiots who fail to see things my way when I'm using the benefit of years of experience ant they only have the perspective of youth.

My sentiments exactly

Rubecula

I am afraid I don't suffer fools as much as I used to. But then I don't hit them as often either.... Swings and roundabouts I suppose LOL