A little bright spot from down the road of bereavement.

banie01

I posted this thread/topic previously but I deleted it because I got scared of the feelings it raised in me.
I thought long and hard before reposting this.
I don't want it to be seen as, ''oh I've done my time, I'm ''over' this and now life can go on'' if you understand what I mean?
So much of what we go through on being widowed is hard, hard work!
From learning to cope alone, to dealing with the crippling pain, loneliness and depression, to having to ''re-learn'' what and who you are as a person, mourning not just the loss of our partners but the loss of our hoped for futures and dreams.
For many of us we are trying to manage all these things all whilst trying to be both parents and spending our time and energy(And rightly so too) on getting our little folk through this trauma as undamaged as possible.

All too often on our path through the aftermath of losing our partners, we focus on the loss.
Yes the loss is huge and hole left behind can and does consume us but I’ve shared enough stories regarding that.
Now I’d like to share a little glimpse of a moment from further down the road.
And let others who may find themselves in the situation I was in, alone, broken and adrift>
To let others in that Boat know that if you persevere, focus on what you still have rather than what you’ve lost…..
That life does get better! We can be happy again!
Yes its a different kind of happy...
But its still good!

But I just thought I'd share an event that made me smile,
Made me cry.
Made me realize that this journey we are all on can be filled with compassion and even love.
I suppose I'd best share the story rather than rabbit on

My son was attending a Summer Drama camp.
He really likes to perform and he attended the same camp last year too and loved it!
So anyway this year he was attending camp and lo and behold he gets the lead role as adult Simba in the summer production of the Lion King!
At 9y.o he got the lead in a show packed with talent, the majority a couple of years older than him and with a few years of weekly stage school under their belts to boot!

He was delighted, and I was prouder than punch
His hard work rehearsing and auditioning paid off especially as he doesn’t attend the groups weekly classes.
I was worried that the storyline, the reliving of his own loss and playing that out on stage might be a bit much for him, raw even but if I'm honest he handled it brilliantly and luckily as we are always open about our loss, there were no unexpected meltdowns.

Anyway the Lion King is kind of a loaded dice for me as way back in '95, when his Mam and I started seeing each other it was one of our date movies when she babysat for a neighbour and I useta call over after she put the kids to bed! haha
My Son got hard to work, learned his lines, practiced his choreography...
@ a week before the show he was sorting out who was coming(family wise) and how many tickets I'd need to buy.
When he decided to make certain that my new GF(I say new... we have been seeing each other 18mths now) was coming.
So after he told her that he wanted her to come, and why.
That it was a family occasion and that he wanted to share that occasion with her too, she fought back her reservations re: my Inlaws(and bitter experience) and came.

There was a tribe of us there, amongst an audience of @400 there was my family in-laws and all, all there for My Son and he dazzled us.
I broke down a little when he sang ''Can you feel the love tonight'' because it meant a lot to his Mam and me....
But I looked around the auditorium and I wasn't the only one shedding a tear most of the audience were too.
But the tears on my GF's face, the look of absolute beaming pride she had on her face through the whole show amazed me.

This time last year my son told my MIL, whatever happened between me and my GF, that it wasn't about him ever getting a new ''mammy'' he has a mam and he always will,!
It was about him making a new friend and actually seeing his dad smile.
In the auditorium, as I applauded his performance....
I looked at GF, at the pride she shared in his happiness and in his wanting her to be there to share it with us!
It dawned on me that my Son was right when he spoke those words a year ago....
He will never need nor want a new Mam, and my GF is smart enough to never try to be that....
But the happiness she felt for him, the pride that glowed on her face, not just for his performance but for knowing that he wanted her to be there to share it....
Well if nothing else i know 1 thing for certain....
My Son has a friend who will go to the ends of this earth for him should he ever need it.
And that....
That gives me more than a glimmer of hope for all of us on our journey through the minefield of bereavement

Our life after loss continues regardless, no matter how much we may want the world to stop until we are ready and able to cope but it doesn’t the world keeps turning
And all this is for many of us carried out against a recurring motif of us not getting the best of support from those close to us, and also with us not wanting to burden them with our own needs(feeling that if we ask they will think us weak, or that we should be ''better'' by now).
Even now 6 and a half years since I lost Kate.
I can hand on heart say that the pain never lessens.
I miss her, I love her and at times as life moves forward without her I want to smash the world and rage against the misery of it all!
But....
None of that will ever bring her back!

At moments like my Son's play and so many other little triumphs our kids will have as they grow....
I feel a combination of crushing guilt because I am here and she is not....
Renewed and raw grief because these are the moments we are supposed to be sharing....
Pain for him, that so many of his friends have 2 parents and I worry that he may feel different.
But even though he was only 3 when Kate died he knows her
She is still and always will be a huge part of our lives and its important for me that he not only keeps his own memories of her, but that he gets to know her through how others remember her too.
She touched so many lives and so there are many who have stories to share.
And all that is tempered by the pride I share in his own little achievements.

I just wanted to share my little story to let others here know that as time goes on, we can learn to appreciate the little things in life again.
And that given time and support we can really learn to cope with anything widowhood can throw at us.

Zil2011

Got goosebumps reading that! Lovely to see how proud you are of your son and how life has moved on for you.

nikpmup

+1 banie - I lost my husband in feb 2010........ I am now in a very happy relationship and pregnant with my first baby. The loss never stops hurting, but when set against the deeper appreciation of joy that comes after a loss it is manageable and an important part of life. Thank you for your lovely story.