Mum might be pregnant again.. but I wanted a baby

tatabubbly

Okay, pretty weird title but the crook of the story is we have a blended family, my mum, step dad, step siblings and siblings.. None are biologically my mum and step dad and I know they would love a baby of their own.

I myself am 25. I feel awful writing this but I need to tell someone! I feel like my mum having a baby is putting me off having one and making me stall having my family so she can have another... Me and my OH were ready and everything to start trying and my mum announced she was in the early stages of pregnancy...

Me and my mum have a great relationship however I think that putting her health on the line for another baby is pushing it for me. She has had two bad miscarriages in the last few years, both took a toll on her health. My mum is only 44 so not necessarily too old to have a baby but I feel like when I was talking to her about the risks etc she wasnt listening.

Basically, I'm asking for advice on how to handle this. I really don't want to put of having kids any more but the idea of that my mum and me could have babies at the same time is really freaking me out. Like my sibling would be a year older than my baby.. Thats really odd to me.

Should I approach this with my mum or say nothing??

Morag

I have aunts who are younger then my cousins.
It was normal two generations ago, don't let the news of a new sibling put you off starting your own family.
Think of how it may bring you all closer together and how the shared joy and experiences will make it easier.

tatabubbly

Morag wrote: »

I have aunts who are younger then my cousins.
It was normal two generations ago, don't let the news of a new sibling put you off starting your own family.
Think of how it may bring you all closer together and how the shared joy and experiences will make it easier.

I think my major worry is my mums health. I love her to bits, I already have enough siblings (6+) but if something happened to her I couldn't forgive myself.

And the financial stress she will be under. 3 of my siblings are due to go to college in the next 5 years.. That on top of my wedding will hit them hard. I've no idea how they are going to cope.

I just always thought that when I had baby, my mum would be able to help me every step of the way. With a baby, i'm not sure that would happen. I'm not sure I'd have any of that grandparent help that many new mums rely on.

I suppose the whole idea makes me very upset..

why dont you share the experience?
i know a few mothers and daughters who have had babies weeks, months or a year or two between them.

in the big families of years ago, this was fairly normal. my ex boyfriends oldest nephew was one year younger than his youngest brother ( if you get that!!)

my youngest aunt is ten years older than me, but i have a lot of cousins older than me and i think my aunt was an aunt at 2 years of age!

that was normal enough up until the early 80's really.

i actually went to school with a lad that was older than his uncle!
its no big deal really, just makes for a big happy family!

and if you and your mother are close im sure she would be delighted to share this with you, unless you want to be the only one having a baby/or having the baby of the family....

tatabubbly

tatabubbly wrote: »

I think my major worry is my mums health. I love her to bits, I already have enough siblings (6+) but if something happened to her I couldn't forgive myself.

And the financial stress she will be under. 3 of my siblings are due to go to college in the next 5 years.. That on top of my wedding will hit them hard. I've no idea how they are going to cope.

I just always thought that when I had baby, my mum would be able to help me every step of the way. With a baby, i'm not sure that would happen. I'm not sure I'd have any of that grandparent help that many new mums rely on.

I suppose the whole idea makes me very upset..

just saw this, why does your wedding impact on them?
im sure your mother and her husband have thought this through, if they are happy to go through with it, then its really not your place to be worrying about her for nothing.
she's a big girl, she has 7? kids, is that right? so she is well aware of how much kids cost and how it will impact on her having another baby.

its really not your problem, and probably a bit nosy of you to stick your nose onto their business

seosamh1980

bubblypop wrote: »

just saw this, why does your wedding impact on them?
im sure your mother and her husband have thought this through, if they are happy to go through with it, then its really not your place to be worrying about her for nothing.
she's a big girl, she has 7? kids, is that right? so she is well aware of how much kids cost and how it will impact on her having another baby.

its really not your problem, and probably a bit nosy of you to stick your nose onto their business

Yeah, why would you never forgive yourself if anything happened to her, it's not your fault she's pregnant?? And why would your wedding impact on them?

She's a grown woman who can make these decisions herself, same way you are and neither of your lives should be affecting each other's in terms of having children etc.

LegacyUser

From what you have told us you want to have a baby now. You have other siblings that are of college age in the next 5 year and your planning to have a wedding at this time also.
You have told us you don't how your mother will cope money wise with this.
Your mother is now 44 and is pregnant again. Your mother is not going to be in a position to help you out much over the next few years. She may regard this baby is her last chance to have another child.

My advice to you is to not to have a baby for another few years. You may see friends at the moment having children and think a lovely baby it will be easy but having a baby is a big change for any couple.
I have friends who wanted children in there 20's but decided to wait for a few years before having kids. Because they had no children they could work long hours, do further training and change jobs which benefited them financially.
By doing this my friends could afford to have a nice wedding and have a home before they had families. Also they could take a 12 months off when they had a baby as they had the savings to do so. They had families who could spend time with them when the baby was born and could help them out time and money wise when there children were small.

At the moment I have a friend who is in her mid 20's and had a baby recently.
She had to rush back to work due to money as her oh is not working. Her mother has health problems so can't offer much support. She is finding it difficult due to money worries and lack of support. She would love to have a wedding but she won't be in a position to afford it for a long period of time. I know that it would have been far easier for her if she had waited for a few years before having a baby.

At 25 you have time on your side before having a family. If you wait for a few years you can put yourself in a strong financial position. Also you can get expensive baby things like cots, buggies ect from your mother. By then she will have more time to help you or mind the baby so you can have a brake.

3DataModem

tatabubbly wrote: »

I think my major worry is my mums health..

Sorry OP, I don't believe you.

You've mentioned;
> money
> not getting help with your baby
> not wanting another sibling
> beating freaked out by idea of having kid at the same time as your mum

It seems to me from reading your posts you feel like your thunder has been stolen in some regard, and by a woman you've written off as "granny" no less.

Perhaps discussing your feelings with your mother would help, but I suspect you'd focus on the "health" question and not the other issues you really feel above.

A 44 year old woman who has had six kids before is most likely in great shape to have another child.

I suggest you consider her feelings, and have a good think about why you feel like you do, then talk to her.

December2012

What was she supposed to do when you told her your concerns? Did you want her to have a termination? If she wants to have a baby then you should wish her well and help her with her pregnancy - maybe pay for your own wedding and take that stress off her.

It's quite odd that you're talking about wanting her to be around to help you have your baby too instead of having her own baby.

Mothers are a help, but again, it's your baby and your partners to take care of.

Not hers - surely she has her own hands full anyway?

tatabubbly

December2012 wrote: »

What was she supposed to do when you told her your concerns? Did you want her to have a termination? If she wants to have a baby then you should wish her well and help her with her pregnancy - maybe pay for your own wedding and take that stress off her.

It's quite odd that you're talking about wanting her to be around to help you have your baby too instead of having her own baby.

Mothers are a help, but again, it's your baby and your partners to take care of.

Not hers - surely she has her own hands full anyway?

I was in shock last night when I heard but have digested the news now. No, why on earth would I ask my mother to do something like that? What sort of person would do that??

Unfortunately, my parents have never been in the position to help me out with my wedding, in our family I would be tge person that helps out in that way.

I've decided to take the other posters advice and wait and see how things to. Putting a baby off for me is a big thing but if my mums pregnant, thats what I'm gonna have to do. I'll be there to help and whatever they want.

I simply meant that them first few weeks of a newborns life that a mothers advice could be priceless..

Cunning Stunt

tatabubbly wrote: »

I was in shock last night when I heard but have digested the news now. No, why on earth would I ask my mother to do something like that? What sort of person would do that??

Unfortunately, my parents have never been in the position to help me out with my wedding, in our family I would be tge person that helps out in that way.

I've decided to take the other posters advice and wait and see how things to. Putting a baby off for me is a big thing but if my mums pregnant, thats what I'm gonna have to do. I'll be there to help and whatever they want.

I simply meant that them first few weeks of a newborns life that a mothers advice could be priceless..

Her advice will still be available and she will still be able to help you - she's having a baby, not a lobotomy!
My mother had her 7th baby (at age 45) very close to my eldest sisters first baby, and they had a great time being pregnant together. Do not put any of your baby plans off - a) you may regret it down the line and b) you may find you become bitter towards your mother for no good reason. These concerns you describe seem somewhat irrational to me, and I would advise you to let go of them.

hoodwinked

tatabubbly wrote: »

I was in shock last night when I heard but have digested the news now. No, why on earth would I ask my mother to do something like that? What sort of person would do that??

Unfortunately, my parents have never been in the position to help me out with my wedding, in our family I would be tge person that helps out in that way.

I've decided to take the other posters advice and wait and see how things to. Putting a baby off for me is a big thing but if my mums pregnant, thats what I'm gonna have to do. I'll be there to help and whatever they want.

I simply meant that them first few weeks of a newborns life that a mothers advice could be priceless..

op there is no need to put off having a baby if thats really what you and your partner want,


you say you have 6 siblings and some of college going age, well thats great for you in the sense you should always have a baby sitter handy should you need one, and there is always your oh's mother too and also for advice, (although i feel your mothers may be more appropriate because she will be up to date with this baby)

as for your wedding, if you were trying now, and got pregnant now im assuming you intended the wedding to be before the baby is born, in which case will your wedding be before your mother has the baby?


if you meant helping and organising wise that your mother will be too busy, to be fair many women organise their weddings with no help or worse meddling from their mothers so you should be fine!


there are a lot of pluses from having the two babies close together!

OP I really think that if you want a baby, you should just start trying now.

Not only do I think you and your mother being pregnant at the same time is totally manageable, but also it could take a long time for you to get pregnant, and you don't want to end up resenting the fact that you waited/wondering if things would have turned out differently if you'd started trying straight away.

tatabubbly

Well this is something me and my OH have to talk about.. I feel like I'm putting off starting my family cos I know my mum wants more babies (selfish of me?)

Mum having a baby means financially, I'd have to help out more in my house so in terms of things, maybe me concieving at the same time isn't ideal.

Yeah, my plan was to have a baby before I get married, I have bridesmaids to delegate to but I actually wouldn't bother my mum with wedding stuff with a baby.

CarMe

Why would you have to help out financially in your mothers house at all?

It sounds to me like your playing the martyr a bit OP

seosamh1980

tatabubbly wrote: »

Unfortunately, my parents have never been in the position to help me out with my wedding, in our family I would be tge person that helps out in that way.

I simply meant that them first few weeks of a newborns life that a mothers advice could be priceless..

tatabubbly wrote: »

Well this is something me and my OH have to talk about.. I feel like I'm putting off starting my family cos I know my mum wants more babies (selfish of me?)

Mum having a baby means financially, I'd have to help out more in my house so in terms of things, maybe me concieving at the same time isn't ideal.

Yeah, my plan was to have a baby before I get married, I have bridesmaids to delegate to but I actually wouldn't bother my mum with wedding stuff with a baby.

I don't really get it. If your parents aren't in the position to help out how would your wedding impact on them at all?

Why would you put off having babies because your mum wants to have more? I don't understand that statement, how does one affect the other?

Why would you have to help out financially. She's 44! She's old enough to not expect financial help from anyone, let alone her daughter, because they decide to have another child. It'd be their baby, not yours, keep your money for your babies.

And if she's raised so many kids she would be well able to offer advice to you with a newborn if she had one herself. Plenty of women have babies and are not able to call on their mothers all the time, advice and visits would do you fine. Surely if there's so many in your family you're used to dealing with kids? I don't have siblings and have no problems looking after newborns, have often helped out with relatives and friends new babies from 1 day old onwards. While it's nice if parents can help out you shouldn't be deciding to have a baby or not based on how much help you can get out of your mother, it'd be yourself and your OH having the baby, your mother would be secondary to it anyway.

If you told your mother you were putting off having a baby because of her don't you think she'd tell you not to be ridiculous and put your life on hold for such an odd reason?

It kinda seems to me that you're just annoyed she has stolen your thunder, as others have put it. There is absolutely no reason that you can't start a family the same time she is. As for the wedding, you don't have to have a large one, have a small and intimate one. Would be much cheaper and not impact your parents as much as you worry it will.

Honey-ec

As others have said, why would you be expected to help out financially? Unless you live at home, in which case I would kind of think that the sensible thing for you to do would be to wait until you have your own place to have a baby. No offence, but your mother's house sounds pretty crowded as it is.

If you don't live at home, then, again, why in God's name would you be expected to help out financially? If your mother and her husband can't afford this baby, then, quite frankly, they shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. I'd imagine that after, what, six kids, she understands how pregnancy happens.

If you and your OH want a child, and are financially and emotionally able to have one, then I really don't see where your mother's actions come in to it. I have to say though, I think 25 is a bit young to be starting a family, and, quite frankly, your reaction to your mother's news would kind of indicate to me that you might still be a little immature to be thinking of having a baby. Sorry.

ash23

OP, when my daughter is your age, I will be your mums age.

I think it's really lovely that your mum and step dad are having a baby of their own. And I think you should try and be happy for them.

The risks and finances aren't really your concern to be frank. You're an adult with your own family and it's time to start cutting the cords and getting on with your own life. Your mum and stepdad are grown ups and they make their own choices. And it's time for you to do the same. You can't be responsible for them or your siblings and I very much doubt your mother would want you to be anything but happy.

I think if your mother knew you were depriving yourself of starting a family because of her choice, she'd be upset.
As a parent all I would ever want would be for my child to be happy. Most parents feel the same.

Ok, so it's not nice to have your thunder stolen but it happens and I'm sure your mum will be thrilled at the idea of her first grandchild and your siblings chuffed at being aunts and uncles.

The fact is though that most people, while they are happy when a baby is born, they just don't care as much as the new parents. People have their own lives and their own stuff going on and they just don't ever really feel the same thrill about someone elses kids as they feel about their own.

Just get on with the life you want rather than waiting for things to be "right". Because something will always happen. You wait a year or two and then what? A sibling announces a pregnancy? A friend? If everyone waited for the timing to be right to have a baby, the human race would be extinct.

Boombastic

If you are not financially independent reconsider the idea.


As for your wedding, if you know how much it will stress them, can you and your partner not contribute more/ideally pay for it all yourself?

Neyite

Lets break this down OP:

Its up to your mother and partner to ensure that they are happy with the risks a pregnancy at that age can incur, and its also up to them, not you, to ensure that financially, they can afford this child. But, you cant change peoples choices - if she was a chainsmoker or alcoholic risking her health it would be the same answer - you cant force somebody to stop risking their health.

You are paying for your wedding. You let your mother know as soon as possible that your finances (and therefore your contribution to her household) will be changing. After that, its up to her and her partner.

Its like this OP, when you decide to start a family with your partner, he IS your family from then on. When you add children to your family, they are your priority financially - not your mum, or step dad, or siblings or step-siblings. Your family unit comes first.

I know lots of people who have aunts younger than them, and its been fine, not strange at all - it was pretty common years ago in large families. This should not influence your family planning wishes.

Realistically, not all grandmothers are hands on, and you dont need them to be. Sure, I've rang my mother to ask her something about a rash, or a fever, but dont depend on her day in day out. The parenting is shared between my partner and I and its not a heavy load. She will still be on the end of the phone if you need it.

tatabubbly

Neyite wrote: »

Lets break this down OP:

Its up to your mother and partner to ensure that they are happy with the risks a pregnancy at that age can incur, and its also up to them, not you, to ensure that financially, they can afford this child. But, you cant change peoples choices - if she was a chainsmoker or alcoholic risking her health it would be the same answer - you cant force somebody to stop risking their health.

You are paying for your wedding. You let your mother know as soon as possible that your finances (and therefore your contribution to her household) will be changing. After that, its up to her and her partner.

Its like this OP, when you decide to start a family with your partner, he IS your family from then on. When you add children to your family, they are your priority financially - not your mum, or step dad, or siblings or step-siblings. Your family unit comes first.

I know lots of people who have aunts younger than them, and its been fine, not strange at all - it was pretty common years ago in large families. This should not influence your family planning wishes.

Realistically, not all grandmothers are hands on, and you dont need them to be. Sure, I've rang my mother to ask her something about a rash, or a fever, but dont depend on her day in day out. The parenting is shared between my partner and I and its not a heavy load. She will still be on the end of the phone if you need it.

OP here

Thanks. I think I needed someone to kinda go though my irrational fears.

I don't live at home but have always contributed as I feel as if I owe it to my siblings to help out.

I think its just a shock finding out I'm going to be a big sister again, when in my head I was thinking about how I'd be making my siblings aunties and uncles for the first time. I'm sure in a few days I'll be over the moon about it.

Thanks to everyones replies.. The more it goes through my head, the sillier it seems.

seosamh1980

tatabubbly wrote: »

I don't live at home but have always contributed as I feel as if I owe it to my siblings to help out.

...Why?? Why would you owe it to them?

Neyite

tatabubbly wrote: »

OP here

Thanks. I think I needed someone to kinda go though my irrational fears.

I don't live at home but have always contributed as I feel as if I owe it to my siblings to help out.

I think its just a shock finding out I'm going to be a big sister again, when in my head I was thinking about how I'd be making my siblings aunties and uncles for the first time. I'm sure in a few days I'll be over the moon about it.

Thanks to everyones replies.. The more it goes through my head, the sillier it seems.

Give it a few days to settle in. Its a big thing, a new baby, and more so when the rest of the family are already into adulthood. One thing I will say is not to feel like you owe your siblings to help out. If you can, and you are not leaving yourself short, then yes, do it willingly, but if not, its not your responsibility.

You also need to work on putting yourself first once in a while. Lets face it, you wont get a chance to do it when you have your own baby, so you might as well indulge yourself a little now while you can. There is nothing wrong with being selfish once in a while.