In love with my housemate

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Regular user going anon.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma.

6 months ago, I moved into a house share, and in those 6 months, I have become very close with my housemate. He's a fantastic person, but recovering from going through some very serious and dark stuff, and is in counselling for that.

I've known this from the start and have always been ok with it, as I have only recently (in the time that we've been living together) come to the end of bereavement counselling after the death of a close friend. I find his strength incredible, and he's really come through a lot.

About a month ago, we started spending more time together than usual - cinema trips, doing the shopping together, watching films on the same couch etc, and after a while, we started cuddling and having these "moments" that were just amazing.

I realised a few weeks ago, like lightning struck me, that I was in love with him and it's the first time I've been in love since my ex broke my heart 5 years ago. It was like the wind was knocked out of me and I can't deny it any more.

Last week, he confronted me and said that he didn't think getting involved was a good idea and that he wasn't ready to commit himself to a relationship and that he didn't want to hurt me. I have to point out now that I never told him I loved him. I nearly did once, and he nearly said it too, but it we paused and the moment never happened. We haven't even kissed, such is the delicate nature of the situation.

I got very upset and just said "Fine, whatever you think" and walked away (and spent the next 4 hours crying in my room). We've since agreed to be civil to each other, but yesterday, he just walked into the kitchen and hugged me and my heart just broke, because I want more than anything to just tell him that I KNOW he's not ready, and that I am willing to wait for him and not put any pressure on him and support him and care for him and just be there for him. But I can't get the words out because I'm too angry that he won't give us a chance.

I get it. He's had the worst time ever over the last year, and I know he's not going to be "normal" (whatever that is) for a long time. But he admitted that being with me, and the intimacy, made him happy, and it was the first time he'd felt happy in a long time. I don't understand how stopping whatever was going on between us would be beneficial to this.

I know it's his issue at the end of the day. I know that. And I know my whole post sounds me, me, me. I just can't wrap my head around why you would discontinue something that made you happy.

I've tried distancing myself from him, I've tried being "one of the lads" (there's 2 other lads living with us). I've tried being aloof and just cool with him but inside I am actually bursting with feelings and I don't know what to do with them.

He's making smarmy comments, comments about how hot other girls are, how he'd "lash it into" this actress and this girl and it's really upsetting me. My self esteem is pretty rubbish as it is, and now he's making me feel worse. He never did that before.

I just don't know what to do. I can't move out, I don't want to move out. But I don't know how to get over someone I am genuinely in love with and have to see every single day.

I know this post is all over the place, and I wish I could be more eloquent, but I just need to get my head out onto the page, if that makes sense.

Anyone ever been in this situation? (in love with a housemate/in love with someone in recovery from mental illness?) Help!

Merkin

You need to move out. If you are in love with him and see that this could potentially work between the two of you then you need to put space between you and find somewhere else to live.

oh you so need to move out!!
your in love with him, he has told you he is not interested. he can say that its because of whatever, or he isnt ready or whatever. but at the end of the day if he was interested he would be with you.
he knows you are interested.

of course he enjoys being with you, sitting back watching tv/movies and having someone there to cuddle. everyone loves that!

this is going to eat away at you the longer you are living there. and eventually he will start kissing/shagging other women, or maybe even bringing them home.
do you really want to sit in your room crying over this?

seriously, do yourself a favour, find somewhere else to live, and when he does ask you why, which im sure he will. just tell him that your not just a shoulder for him and there are a lot of men out there that will be mad to be with you, as a proper partner not just a crutch.

of course, there is always the chance that if he is interested in you, when you move out he may make a move.

i hope he does, i would be delighted if it could work out for you.

borabora

Why the smarmy comments though? That's interesting. What does he think is happening with you guys now? Is he trying to make you jealous? Push you away? Or intentionally hurt you? TBH the possibility is there that he could have been using you as a crutch and wants out now...hope that's not the case.

Regardless of how it works out in terms of getting together or not, you need to move out OP. You couldn't be going out and living together, especially with things the way they are with him right now.

I feel for you...the enforced intimacy of housemates can be confusing! Have you had another relationship since your ex 5 years ago? Move out, get out there meeting other men, and see what happens...

LegacyUser

Hi there OP.

I was in a very similar situation to you. I was with someone who broke up with me because of his history of mental illness. It had negatively affected previous relationships of his & he was afraid of history repeating itself.

I was livid with him for ending something that was working & was making us both happy. We stayed friends and in the course of our friendship I have seen him at some of his really low points. When I see him like this I can 100% understand that he could not have committed to a relationship. Right now he seems to have come out the other side & as much as I would love to become more than friends again I need to be aware that he will always have ups & downs. It is a difficult balance to find - being there for someone at a low point without allowing it to bring you down too. So I would urge caution in terms of saying you would wait for him. You need to look after YOU before you can help someone else.

The best advice is the one that you don't want to hear - Move Out. You are doing yourself no favours by seeing him everyday. Even if you were to get the outcome you want, living together from day 1 is far too intense.

Question why you want to be with him. Is it because he is vulnerable & your natural instinct is to want to take care of him. Before telling him how you feel make sure that he has the ability to make you feel cared for & that it would not just be you caring for him.

If you are confident in the above, then by all means tell him how you feel. It is the only way for you to know that you tried to get what you wanted. But be prepared to accept his answer even if it is not the one you want and walk away being proud of yourself for not being afraid to be honest about your feelings.