My OH has lost weight, and i've lost interest.

LegacyUser

We've known each other for 13 years.
We've been through a lot together, good and bad, and plan on spending our lives together.
We both had weight to lose, and we've both lost some, him a lot more than me.
He's no longer the man I fell for, physically anyways.
My attraction to him has lessened.
Am I really odd?
Should I not be more attracted to a fitter man?
Could it be just a coincidence that my feelings for him have changed at the same time his weight has?
I'm really confused by how I feel towards him now.

Czarcasm

Shallow? wrote: »

We've known each other for 13 years.
We've been through a lot together, good and bad, and plan on spending our lives together.
We both had weight to lose, and we've both lost some, him a lot more than me.
He's no longer the man I fell for, physically anyways.
My attraction to him has lessened.
Am I really odd?
Should I not be more attracted to a fitter man?
Could it be just a coincidence that my feelings for him have changed at the same time his weight has?
I'm really confused by how I feel towards him now.

I'd suggest this could be a lot to do with it OP, not so much even coincidence, because both of you have lost weight, and sometimes losing weight can mean a change in a person's attitude or their personality in the same way as gaining weight can have an effect on a person's attitude or personality.

As for whether you can still find him attractive or not, well, it's shallow, but then we can't help how we feel and we can't help who we are and aren't attracted to. I mean, I'm attracted to bigger girls, but if a girl wanted to lose weight for health reasons or because it would make her feel better about herself and increase her self confidence, then despite my own personal taste I'd fully encourage her and support her in her endeavor.

13 years is a long time OP, and if he's happier and healthier, I'd definitely weigh this up (no pun intended) against whether I still found him attractive or not, because it may just be a temporary adjustment you're feeling that's causing your confused feelings.

LegacyUser

Shallow? wrote: »

We've known each other for 13 years.
We've been through a lot together, good and bad, and plan on spending our lives together.
We both had weight to lose, and we've both lost some, him a lot more than me.
He's no longer the man I fell for, physically anyways.
My attraction to him has lessened.
Am I really odd?
Should I not be more attracted to a fitter man?
Could it be just a coincidence that my feelings for him have changed at the same time his weight has?
I'm really confused by how I feel towards him now.

Are you female? Is he now slimmer than you? (I don't know how common it is for men in a couple to care about this?)
I have to be honest and admit that I would feel less attracted to my boyfriend if he was slimmer than me. Maybe it is old fashioned but I prefer my boyfriend to be bigger and stronger physically than me. I like getting cuddles and feel comfortable with bigger arms wrapped around me. It's just my personal preference and everyone is different I suppose.

As you say he has lost "a lot more" than you, are you maybe feeling a little bit insecure beside him now, could the possible insecurity be manifesting itself in the form of just feeling less interest sexually/romantically towards your oh?

I wouldn't be quick to throw away 13 years of a relationship over this without first trying to work through the reasons from a few angles.

If you think it is a case that you are still losing weight and feel a bit insecure then that should more than likely fade away and your interest in him might reappear when you again feel confident in your new weight.

(Of course you may already be absolutely secure and happy in your body,so I don't mean to sound presumptuous or cause offence, I am just speculating as you mentioned you were both losing weight and that he lost a lot more than you.)

Maybe he could do a few weights to add more muscle definition to his new slim body. Would that do anything for you?

Definitely think about the reasons behind your feelings a bit more and maybe have a chat to see how you can work through this.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I am a woman. He is now thinner than me.
That doesn't bother me.
Though I am aware that it has affected our sex life a bit.
I don't think either of us have had a change in personality.

I am trying to get to the bottom of my feelings.
I'm not going to just give up on us.
Hopefully this uncertainty will just pass.

LegacyUser

OP, that such an interesting post.

Lately I have been reading a lot of posts about people in a relationship who lost their attraction to their partner because they put on weight. And a lot of the replies are along the lines that putting on weight means people let themselves go, don't care about themselves etc and that the partner is right in feeling less attracted.

I share your feelings.

I'm in the beginning of a relationship with a guy who seems pretty preoccupied with losing weight. He is not fat, but he is def not thin either. And I love this about him, I find him hot with the "extra weight" (his words) on, it suits him, he looks manly, strong, I feel protected, he feels great to cuddle and great in bed.

He's been talking a lot about dieting etc. He has a great personality and a great heart, so I can only hope I would be able to feel equally attracted to him as I do now if he lost a lot of weight (won't really know till he does, I suppose).

But I can relate perfectly to what you said: 1) It would be weird not having the person I fell in love with anymore, and 2) I really really like the "extra weight" on him and I'm afraid he would lose quite a bit of his charm if he ended up looking like any other boring "fit" guy out there.

homerjay2005

Shallow? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I am a woman. He is now thinner than me.
That doesn't bother me.

are you sure this isnt the reason, as in...you kinda resent him now for this?

do you think if you were thinner than him, you'd feel better about the relationship?

LegacyUser

homerjay2005 wrote: »

are you sure this isnt the reason, as in...you kinda resent him now for this?

do you think if you were thinner than him, you'd feel better about the relationship?

homerjay2005 wrote: »

are you sure this isnt the reason, as in...you kinda resent him now for this?

do you think if you were thinner than him, you'd feel better about the relationship?

I've lost weight too and feel better than I have done in years. I don't think it's that, but I know that makes the most sense.
I don't resent him. It's not something that he makes a big deal about.
Maybe subconsciously, I'm insecure about myself now.
TMI, but I really miss his weight on top of me. He just doesn't have the same 'presence' anymore.
I told him I missed his love handles which he thought was ridiculous, but I do!

Thanks for the replies.

December2012

Is he a fitness bore?

Or does his healthy ways not interest you or make you feel bad about your weight loss efforts?

LegacyUser

op, i think it's really interesting how a number of the replies to you seem to be projecting a certain kind of insecurity they think you might have about your OWN weight onto you, when i don't really get that from what you've posted.

i too love the feeling of a man's weight on top of me, around me, it's an attraction the same way as blue eyes might be for someone else, or large breasts might be for someone else, or a flat bum might be for someone else. i don't think it's shallow at all, you feel attracted to what ever you feel attracted to. if you miss his love handles i don't think anyone here would or should judge you for that, and i certainly don't think it's ridiculous. they were a part of his body you found sexy and attractive and maybe you just need to grieve for their loss and focus on other parts of him, or how he might feel better within himself now that he feels fitter, etc. to be honest, him saying it's ridiculous for you to miss his love handles sounds to me like HE'S the one with insecurities, in so far as he can't understand why you would like his 'fat', if you know what i mean.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Is he a fitness bore?

Or does his healthy ways not interest you or make you feel bad about your weight loss efforts?

Not at all.
To be honest, he was having a stressful time lately, and the loss is a result of that.
We don't actually see enough of each other at the moment to he bored of such talk anyways.
I'll just give it time.
I hope the old feelings return.

Thanks for all the replies.

December2012

Shallow? wrote: »

Not at all.
To be honest, he was having a stressful time lately, and the loss is a result of that.
We don't actually see enough of each other at the moment to he bored of such talk anyways.
I'll just give it time.
I hope the old feelings return.

Thanks for all the replies.

Is that not more the problem then? The stress and not seeing each other?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Is that not more the problem then? The stress and not seeing each other?

Should absence not make the heart grow fonder?
It's really just a purely physical thing.
I used to be so hot for am and just, all of a sudden, I'm not anymore.

December2012

Shallow? wrote: »

Should absence not make the heart grow fonder?
It's really just a purely physical thing.
I used to be so hot for am and just, all of a sudden, I'm not anymore.

No, not really. I think that's just something people say.

If he's under stress it's likely it has affected your relationship, possibly his libido or level of affection? Maybe he was sexier as a person when heavier because he was happier due to less stress and more time together, ie the weight loss is coincidental.

Has the rest of your sexual drive or desire changed?

LegacyUser

I don't know.
My desires were entirely linked to him. While I still look forward to seeing him, it's not with the same anticipation and i'm not as satisfied as I used to be.
Nothing else has changed other than his weight.
While he was going through the stressful time, our relationship didn't suffer.
He doesn't treat me any differently now.
I just don't know.

Thanks for all the replies. They've helped me.