lapdance arguement with GF

LegacyUser

firstly ill say that im very open with my gf. she knows ive been to lapdancing clubs on a few occasions (stags, birthdays etc). and she knows ive had private dances (all before i met her).

having discussed it in general conversation one night it became clear she had a problem with the private dancing part (but not with me being in the places).

in my opinion if both partners are ok with it then its fine (as was the case with previous partners). but ive told her that if she didnt want me getting one then i'd respect her wishes, its no big deal really.

but thats not enough for her and now im getting an earload because she claims that i shouldnt want a lapdance if in a relationship no matter if its ok with a partner or not.

to me, having a go at someone because of their opinion is borderline ridiculous! as far as im concerned she should be happy with me saying i wouldnt get a private dance if she didnt want me to.

also, just to put this in context - ive not been to a lapdancing club since i met her so all of this is on the supposition that i may (or may not) be in one in the forseeable...

any words to the wise appreciated.

Czarcasm

giveitarest wrote: »

firstly ill say that im very open with my gf. she knows ive been to lapdancing clubs on a few occasions (stags, birthdays etc). and she knows ive had private dances (all before i met her).

having discussed it in general conversation one night it became clear she had a problem with the private dancing part (but not with me being in the places).

in my opinion if both partners are ok with it then its fine (as was the case with previous partners). but ive told her that if she didnt want me getting one then i'd respect her wishes, its no big deal really.

but thats not enough for her and now im getting an earload because she claims that i shouldnt want a lapdance if in a relationship no matter if its ok with a partner or not.

to me, having a go at someone because of their opinion is borderline ridiculous! as far as im concerned she should be happy with me saying i wouldnt get a private dance if she didnt want me to.

also, just to put this in context - ive not been to a lapdancing club since i met her so all of this is on the supposition that i may (or may not) be in one in the forseeable...

any words to the wise appreciated.

Not having a go at you OP, but if you talk to your girlfriend the way you so dismissively and arrogantly wrote that post, I can see how you'd be getting her back up. I would say it's less about your opinion, and more about how you express that opinion.

I think your girlfriend is trying to get you to understand that you really shouldn't feel like there's some need for you to go to lap dancing clubs, the mixed messages like your girlfriend saying she's ok with it, but that you shouldn't feel a need to do it, are indeed two different things.

The difference is subtle I grant you, but that's where you need to be open to listening to what she is trying to tell you and not be so dismissive of your girlfriends opinion.

strandroad

Why would you want someone else to excite you, is probably what your GF is trying to get at.

moochers

Hey there OP. If I was going out with someone who got a lap dance, I would be royally pissed off. Don't know if I would be that bothered if it happened in the past, but then again I don't know.

What concerns me though, is the private lap dance cos a lot happens behind closed doors and it certainly is not a 'no touching' policy.

Might help to be a little more sensitive to your girl friends feelings, us women can be sensitive souls. The girls in lap dancing clubs are confident and overtly sexual, its their job to turn the men on.

Put yourself in her shoes, I know its not the same but how would you like it if she told you that sex with her ex was fantastic. No doubt you would feel inadequate, jealous and upset. And even though it was in the past, you would constantly think about it.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

Not having a go at you OP, but if you talk to your girlfriend the way you so dismissively and arrogantly wrote that post, I can see how you'd be getting her back up. I would say it's less about your opinion, and more about how you express that opinion.

I think your girlfriend is trying to get you to understand that you really shouldn't feel like there's some need for you to go to lap dancing clubs, the mixed messages like your girlfriend saying she's ok with it, but that you shouldn't feel a need to do it, are indeed two different things.

obviously thats not quite how i put it to my gf! but yes she is saying there shouldnt be any need for it.

but lets put this in context - im a 35 year old and ive been to a lapdancing club probably 5/6 times at most. always with a large group for a stag or similiar. the fact is i dont have a 'need' to go whatsoever.

LegacyUser

i think you're all missing the point a little.

im not arguing for or against getting a lapdance. i already told her that i wouldnt if she didnt like it. that part is fine and not what this all kicked off over.

her issue is with what i think - that its perfectly ok for a guy to get a lapdance as long as his partner has no problem with it.

that and that alone is her issue here. not my actions, not how i spoke to her about it. just me having an opinion on it.

her exact words were 'i cant believe you'd think that way'.

i dunno about you lot but im a firm believer in having my own mind and im entitled to think whatever way i like. arent i? and yes she is entitled to hers too but im not the one fighting here, ive told her i accept her opinion, thats its no big deal and not something to be fighting over...

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

Why would you want someone else to excite you, is probably what your GF is trying to get at.

thats exactly it. i said i dont want someone else to excite me. my only arguement here is that IF a partner had permission to get a lapdance than surely that makes it ok?

clearly im mistaken here and even with permission its still not ok.

and by the way, im not looking for permission off her. this was the prefight conversation as i remember it

her: i wouldnt be happy with you getting a lapdance
me: i wouldnt get one if you werent happy with it
her: but you still think its ok?
me: yea as long as the gf is ok about it then why shouldnt a guy get one if he wants?
her: ARH^))$LBNKDF&&%()_CJSDLVDO*&&jvdf;dfbk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yellowcrayon

My boyfriend has been to one strip show (group of male friends of mine and my dad were going so I bought him a ticket too) and I have no issue when its a show and a group of men there and its all just a bit of fun.

My issue, and it appears it would be an issue with your g'friend as well, is if it goes beyond a show that a group of friends are watching whilst having a drink to something private and one-on-one.

I think if you love your g'friend, its best to respect her wishes if she doesnt want you having private lap dances.

seosamh1980

Just to say I agree with you on this OP, I would have no problem with a guy getting a lapdance once it has been discussed and both are ok with it happening, I wouldn't mind my boyfriend having one. I don't know what you can do about your girlfriend's irrational stance on this, the irrational bit being that she wants you to agree on her thoughts with it, you've already said you are happy to respect her wishes and not have a lapdance, so I don't see what more she can expect you to do! That's perfectly fair and understanding of you. I do find though if people don't agree with lapdances or feel insecure or jealous about them you're fighting a losing battle, all rationale goes out the window once they hear the word.

a fat guy

I think everyone is jumping down the OP's throat without even thinking straight...

He said that if (hypothetically) BOTH PARTNERS WERE OKAY WITH IT, then going to the club would be fine. This makes sense because, obviously, both partners are okay with it.

The OP's girlfriend then told him that he shouldn't want a lapdance AT ALL if he was in a relationship. Even if both partners were okay with it... (What?).

This is illogical because being in a relationship does not mean that you aren't attracted to members of the opposite sex. When both partners are okay with one of them having a lapdance, then it's perfectly fine for either of them to have a lapdance.

I'm probably gonna get a lot of flak for this, but I think you should drop her OP, she's taking her insecurities out on you quite aggresively. Not exactly a healthy relationship...

It's okay for someone to have insecurities. It's not okay to attack someone else because of them.

For what it's worth, he's already taken on board her opinion and straight-away stated that he would absolutely not have a private lapdance SPECIFICALLY because she didn't want him to. Attacking him after that is like kicking someone who's incapacitated. It's pointless and mildly cruel.



To make a long story short; dump her OP, this relationship is going to go downhill very quickly and there is nothing you can do about it.

LegacyUser

woah!! i dont think i'll be getting rid of her just yet :P

aside from this she's pretty much perfect and we live together, just looking for a few different opinions on it all.

desbrook

OP - The phrase you use that drives her mad is "I wouldn't get one if you didn't want me to " . Please understand what she HEARS is "I would get one if you'd let me - lighten up! "

I "hear " the same OP

By the way there's nothing wrong with being annoyed with your partner's views on an issue. If my gf was homophobic let's say I'd be very wary of her and question things .

Czarcasm

a fat guy wrote: »

The OP's girlfriend then told him that he shouldn't want a lapdance AT ALL if he was in a relationship. Even if both partners were okay with it... (What?).

The OP in fairness to him explained it very clearly, but the OP is the person blowing this out of all proportion just to "win" an argument and trying to use logic the way you're using it.

What's so hard to understand about explaining to someone that when they're in a relationship they shouldn't feel a need to visit a lapdancing club? The OP's girlfriend is trying to ascertain why the OP would actually feel any need to go to a lapdancing club when they're in a relationship.

She may be cool with him going to one, but she feels that the OP shouldn't need to go to one. It's not rocket science.

As for the rest of your post about insecurity and telling the OP to dump his girlfriend, well with all due respect but that's just a ridiculous over-reaction.

moochers

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I presume there is touching involved in a private lap dance. If someone would clarify this I'd be ever so grateful.

seosamh1980

moochers wrote: »

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I presume there is touching involved in a private lap dance. If someone would clarify this I'd be ever so grateful.

Pretty sure you're not allowed touch the dancer.

strandroad

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Pretty sure you're not allowed touch the dancer.

The dancer is touching you though.

strandroad

giveitarest wrote: »

thats exactly it. i said i dont want someone else to excite me. my only arguement here is that IF a partner had permission to get a lapdance than surely that makes it ok?

clearly im mistaken here and even with permission its still not ok.

and by the way, im not looking for permission off her. this was the prefight conversation as i remember it

her: i wouldnt be happy with you getting a lapdance
me: i wouldnt get one if you werent happy with it
her: but you still think its ok?
me: yea as long as the gf is ok about it then why shouldnt a guy get one if he wants?
her: ARH^))$LBNKDF&&%()_CJSDLVDO*&&jvdf;dfbk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it depends on how you made it sound, as if it was about yourself or in general. With your "I wouldn't if you weren't happy with it" this dialogue sounds as if your message was "I'm generally okay with receiving services of sexual nature while in relationship with you (I just won't do it because you asked me not to)".

It's absolutely fine to have more open relationships (where both sides can get lapdances, grind with Chippendales, get happy ending massages) but it's not a standard. So if you made it sound as if you accept/like it for yourself she may be questioning your commitment or satisfaction from your relationship.

The Corinthian

giveitarest wrote: »

but thats not enough for her and now im getting an earload because she claims that i shouldnt want a lapdance if in a relationship no matter if its ok with a partner or not.

She's insecure about the relationship and about herself, is the short answer.

It could be a lap-dance, or a specific past sexual experience (e.g. a threesome), or a particular ex-girlfriend - all of these would engender the same response if that insecurity is there. What's going through her mind is "he's had this in the past, which (I feel) I cannot provide, thus I am/our relationship is not enough for him".

It's irrational and egocentric, as it fails to look at the situation from anything other than her own paranoid perception of what you need in the relationship, as opposed to what you actually need.

It's not a good situation to be in because it means that you'll never be able to be fully open with your partner, especially about your past before you met her, as any other past experience may also trigger such a reaction.

The only thing I might suggest is you talk it through with her and get her to explain out loud why it bothers her so much. If she does this, she may be surprised as to what comes out and realize how irrational it is.

strandroad

The Corinthian wrote: »

The only thing I might suggest is you talk it through with her and get her to explain out loud why it bothers her so much. If she does this, she may be surprised as to what comes out and realize how irrational it is.

I fail to see what exactly is irrational in assuming that people in committed sexual relationships do not normally require sexual services from third parties? (Unless by mutual agreement they do, but from what we know it's not the case with OP and his partner). They are not discussing his past, but current preferences. If indeed what he said sounded like his personal preference (as opposed to general musings), his gf is not irrational or insecure at all.

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

Unless by mutual agreement they do, but from what we know it's not the case with OP and his partner

while it may not be the case that there is mutual agreement, it doesnt really matter as the arguement is not about this at all but about me thinking its ok IF there is mutual consent.. it was an arguement born of a hypothetical situation.

mhge wrote: »

If indeed what he said sounded like his personal preference (as opposed to general musings), his gf is not irrational or insecure at all.

actually it was general musings. last time i was in a lapdance club was around 2007/08 and this arguement didnt start because i was making any plans to go to one. it started thru an innocent conversation about strippers.

desbrook

To try one more time OP - as soon as you use a phrase like "if you were ok with it " the argument stops being hypothetical and becomes personal.
To qoute Ben Dunne even Stevie Wonder could see that you would prefer if she was ok with you getting a lap dance and consider her disaproval a nuisance to be put up with.
Just so you know many a man would feel very annoyed and rejected if their wife didn't have a problem with them paying for a sexual service.

The Corinthian

mhge wrote: »

I fail to see what exactly is irrational in assuming that people in committed sexual relationships do not normally require sexual services from third parties?

He's not had a lap-dancing since before his relationship with her began and he's more than happy to go without as she's not comfortable with the idea, so I fail to see where you're arriving at such wild conclusions, but I suspect his girlfriend's reasoning is probably similar to yours - and sorry no, it is not rational.

Czarcasm

The Corinthian wrote: »

He's not had a lap-dancing since before his relationship with her began and he's more than happy to go without as she's not comfortable with the idea, so I fail to see where you're arriving at such wild conclusions, but I suspect his girlfriend's reasoning is probably similar to yours - and sorry no, it is not rational.

Let me know Corinthian if you ever meet anyone who can have such a thing as a rational and logical discussion involving highly emotive hypothetical situations will you?

Unless they're Vulcan, that's not going to happen

One person's rational and logical is always another person's irrational and illogical, made even worse when you start introducing hypothetical scenarios and one-off tailored arguments that only suit your point of view and are unwilling even to attempt to understand where the other person might be coming from.


TL:DR; The OP is blowing a petty domestic out of all proportion just for the sake of having his opinion validated by strangers instead of actually trying to understand where his girlfriend is coming from.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

One person's rational and logical is always another person's irrational and illogical, made even worse when you start introducing hypothetical scenarios and one-off tailored arguments that only suit your point of view and are unwilling even to attempt to understand where the other person might be coming from.

excuse me but where exactly have i said i dont understand her side of the argument? i said i didnt agree with it and that having my own opinion is perfectly acceptable in my book.. as is hers.

Czarcasm wrote: »

TL:DR; The OP is blowing a petty domestic out of all proportion just for the sake of having his opinion validated by strangers instead of actually trying to understand where his girlfriend is coming from.

1. i didnt start this argument. i was having a conversation and she started arguing.
2. you think im sitting here typing to you lot and not talking to her? really?

The Corinthian

Czarcasm wrote: »

Let me know Corinthian if you ever meet anyone who can have such a thing as a rational and logical discussion involving highly emotive hypothetical situations will you?

Then the boyfriend who loses his temper and accuses his girlfriend of flirting and wanting to sleep with every man she even talks to is also perfectly justified, by your logic - after all, for him it's all 'highly emotive' too.

In any relationship, there's a difference between what is rational and reasonable and irrational and unreasonable. If you start loosing the plot based upon wild conclusions because you're 'highly emotive' on something, then you're going to fall into the latter category. Relationships full of that kind of drama rarely do well.

TL:DR; The OP is blowing a petty domestic out of all proportion just for the sake of having his opinion validated by strangers instead of actually trying to understand where his girlfriend is coming from.

Problem is that he's not the one who's been blowing anything out of proportions and his girlfriend isn't terribly interested in where he's coming from, only where she's decided he's coming from.

I do think they need to talk about it and work out where she's coming from too, however, because if she really looks at this, she may well realize how silly it is.

strandroad

The Corinthian wrote: »

He's not had a lap-dancing since before his relationship with her began and he's more than happy to go without as she's not comfortable with the idea, so I fail to see where you're arriving at such wild conclusions, but I suspect his girlfriend's reasoning is probably similar to yours - and sorry no, it is not rational.

That's what you keep saying but let me ask again - what exactly is irrational in assuming that people in committed sexual relationships do not normally require sexual services from third parties? That's what most people would do therefore his girlfriend is surprised that he indicated otherwise. From how he phrased it in that dialogue it sounded as if he'd still like it if wasn't for her demand.

Perhaps it was not phrased well in which case he should simply say well personally I am not interested in third party favours while in a relationship, case closed.

Czarcasm

The Corinthian wrote: »

Then the boyfriend who loses his temper and accuses his girlfriend of flirting and wanting to sleep with every man she even talks to is also perfectly justified, by your logic - after all, for him it's all 'highly emotive' too.

In any relationship, there's a difference between what is rational and reasonable and irrational and unreasonable. If you start loosing the plot based upon wild conclusions because you're 'highly emotive' on something, then you're going to fall into the latter category. Relationships full of that kind of drama rarely do well.

But his girlfriend isn't losing the plot or drawing any wild conclusions, she's merely trying to ascertain in a hypothetical situation why the OP would feel that a lapdance could give him anything that she couldn't. She's not saying he shouldn't do it, she's trying to find out WHY he would even bring it up. She probably wonders is he missing something that she's not giving him. I don't think that's an irrational conclusion?

Problem is that he's not the one who's been blowing anything out of proportions and his girlfriend isn't terribly interested in where he's coming from, only where she's decided he's coming from.

I do think they need to talk about it and work out where she's coming from too, however, because if she really looks at this, she may well realize how silly it is.

And yet, it's not his girlfriend has come running to the internet screaming "My boyfriend wants to go visit lapdancers, what do I do? What am I missing?". It's the OP is asking strangers on the internet to validate his opinion like it's more important to him to win a petty hypothetical argument than it is for him to consider his girlfriends feelings and listen to what she is trying to ascertain from him-

"Why would the question even come up if he was happy in the relationship?". As desbrook points out- it's at that point when the situation switched from being hypothetical to being personal, when the OP's girlfriend thinks "My boyfriend used to go to lapdancing clubs, now he's in a relationship with me and hasn't gone in ages, I'd be cool with him going, but I'd just like him to explain WHY he would want to go when I can give him everything and more than a lapdancer can?".

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

She's not saying he shouldn't do it, she's trying to find out WHY he would even bring it up.

she IS saying i shouldnt do it and she brought it up.

you seem to be jumping to some pretty wild conclusions. i didnt come on here screaming about anything, i asked for some other peoples opinions because i was finding it hard to understand hers. isnt that exactly what this place is for?

funnily enough we're all sorted thru it now, without the drama still going on here!

The Corinthian

mhge wrote: »

That's what you keep saying but let me ask again - what exactly is irrational in assuming that people in committed sexual relationships do not normally require sexual services from third parties?

The belief that just because you're in a committed sexual relationship, you magically have no desires for third parties; that's a pretty irrational belief.

He was open about this, sought to see what the boundaries are (and these do vary), and discovered that this was not an option, which he has no problem with. Story really should have ended there.

Monogamy is about forsaking all others, not magically not finding them attractive anymore.

Czarcasm wrote: »

But his girlfriend isn't losing the plot or drawing any wild conclusions, she's merely trying to ascertain in a hypothetical situation why the OP would feel that a lapdance could give him anything that she couldn't. She's not saying he shouldn't do it, she's trying to find out WHY he would even bring it up. She probably wonders is he missing something that she's not giving him. I don't think that's an irrational conclusion?

It is, because she presumes he needs something that she's not giving him, not simply missing it. That he "shouldn't want a lap-dance if in a relationship no matter if its ok with a partner or not" - totally irrational, insecure and stupid; he's in a relationship, not paralyzed from the ankles up.

You're attempting also to dismiss her escalation as some sort of benign attempt to "ascertain in a hypothetical situation", when the OP was clear that she's lost the plot on the issue.

There's nothing wrong with someone in a relationship having desires for others - only acting on them without permission.

There's nothing wrong with a couple agreeing to a polyamorous, monogamous or whatever relationship, as long as it is agreed and they are both comfortable with it.

There's nothing wrong, in a relationship, about being open and discussing such boundaries.

Anyhow, none of this helps the OP and I really don't see how your arguing with me helps him in any way other than attempting to validate the ridiculous notion that such questions should not even be broached in healthy relationships.

How about we agree to disagree and just concentrate on the OP's issue?

strandroad

The Corinthian wrote: »

The belief that just because you're in a committed sexual relationship, you magically have no desires for third parties; that's a pretty irrational belief.

He was open about this, sought to see what the boundaries are (and these do vary), and discovered that this was not an option, which he has no problem with. Story really should have ended there.

Monogamy is about forsaking all others, not magically not finding them attractive anymore.

Strawman alert... Getting lap dances is not having desires, it's acting on them. One may find a third person attractive but would not act on getting anything sexual from him/her. It's not irrational for a partner to be surprised to learn that the other partner would be okay with acting on it while in relationship.
Anyway OT as it's not helpful indeed.

Czarcasm

giveitarest wrote: »

excuse me but where exactly have i said i dont understand her side of the argument? i said i didnt agree with it and that having my own opinion is perfectly acceptable in my book.. as is hers.

Clearly her opinion isn't acceptable in your book if you have to start a thread on boards just to see if people's opinions will back up your own. If I have an argument with my wife I don't go looking for other people's opinions on the internet about it. I may look for people's opinions on how I could resolve the argument, but that doesn't seem to be your objective here. I'm open to correction of course.

1. i didnt start this argument. i was having a conversation and she started arguing.

Yes, because of your history it went from being hypothetical to being personal. It'd be like me having a conversation with my wife about sex workers, and my wife is cool with my past, but then if I were to say I was heading to so and so's house and it was only going to be the two of us there, she trusts me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't raise an eyebrow. That's only understandable. Thirty seconds later it's forgotten about because I'm not still picking and picking at her about it. I've let it go.

2. you think im sitting here typing to you lot and not talking to her? really?

You think I'm sitting here typing this because I have nothing better I could be doing? You posted here looking for opinions, you were given advice, you're still ignoring the issue and refusing to let it go.

I'm going to let it go so seeing as I'm obviously not getting through to you.

The Corinthian

mhge wrote: »

Strawman alert... Getting lap dances is not having desires, it's acting on them.

Who said he's acting on them? He may have attempted to see if his girlfriend was open to his doing so, within the boundaries of their relationship, but she said no and he was cool with this. So, please don't accuse me of a strawman by using a strawman.

One may find a third person attractive but would not act on getting anything sexual from him/her.

He's not acted on anything.

It's not irrational for a partner to be surprised to learn that the other partner would be okay with acting on it while in relationship.

Not being surprised, no. He's not talking about her being surprised though.

strandroad

The Corinthian wrote: »

Who said he's acting on them? He may have attempted to see if his girlfriend was open to his doing so, within the boundaries of their relationship, but she said no and he was cool with this. So, please don't accuse me of a strawman by using a strawman.

He's not acted on anything.

Not being surprised, no. He's not talking about her being surprised though.

The dialogue in first person sounds as if he's OK with acting on a desire while in a relationship (but won't, only because she's not happy with it - he himself would). She has issues with the thought that her partner is OK with acting on a desire while in a relationship. It's not "irrational" or "silly" to have issues with it. They may be on different pages re their boundaries, or perhaps he didn't express himself well. Still it's not irrational or silly. Sorry can't simplify it any more so I'll leave it at that!

Sofiztikated

I'd say it stems from the words used.

I won't get one if you don't want me to =/= I don't want to get one because I'm with you.

The Corinthian

mhge wrote: »

They may be on different pages re their boundaries, or perhaps he didn't express himself well. Still it's not irrational or silly. Sorry can't simplify it any more so I'll leave it at that!

And that's where we'll have to disagree. To me she's upset that he doesn't share her sexual morals or boundaries and is taking it out on him, because of her own issues. He's just not allowed apparently to think this way. It's the Thought Police at the end of the day.

Sofiztikated wrote: »

I'd say it stems from the words used.

I won't get one if you don't want me to =/= I don't want to get one because I'm with you.

Perhaps, but often what you say and what is heard is quite different.

Big Bag of Chips

mhge and The Corinthian - you've both been here long enough now to know what is PI standard.

If you wish to advise the OP then please do. If you wish to debate the rights and wrongs of sexual morals or boundaries amongst yourselves then take it to PM.

strandroad

I advise the OP to rephrase his dialogue (from personal to general) if he feels misunderstood, or to discuss their boundaries if that's indeed the point he wants to make... apologies if it sounded too vague!

Paddy Cow

I agree with you op. You don't need to go to lapdancing clubs regularly to get your jollies and have only been a handful of times with stags/birthdays. Big deal. You have been honest about your past and told your girlfriend that should you find yourself in a lapdancing club again (presumably on another guys night out), you won't get a lapdance. What more does she want? It's not like you are telling her that you are going on your own Saturday night and asking her if she'd mind you getting a dance.

Lapdancing is like porn - a fantasy to enjoy but that's it. Some women don't even like porn and feel that their partners shouldn't "need" it when they are in a relationship. It's just insecurity.

ShowMeTheCash

Just reading though this thread, I find some of the positions amusing!

OP - You have a senative GF, she obviosuly does not like the idea of you looking at other women.... I suggest you either poke your eyes out or learn to say what she wants to hear.... Else learn to deal with the an earful...

Just to everyone else:

If your BF / Husband goes on a stag do, birthday celebration where the majority of the gang are going to hit up a strip club be assured you man is going to go, if he tells you he won't 99% will, if he says he will not get a private dance... he probably will!

But just something to keep in mind, this for the most part this is a joke... It has nothing to do with sexual desire and more to do with male bravado...
Now if you bf/husband is going to strip bars during the day on his own then you might have a problem...

I always laugh at the idea of women getting upset over this as it's not really real... It's a show meant for entertainment...

You want to worry about something, worry more about who he takes his lunch with when at work.

maguic24

giveitarest wrote: »

i think you're all missing the point a little.

im not arguing for or against getting a lapdance. i already told her that i wouldnt if she didnt like it. that part is fine and not what this all kicked off over.

her issue is with what i think - that its perfectly ok for a guy to get a lapdance as long as his partner has no problem with it.

that and that alone is her issue here. not my actions, not how i spoke to her about it. just me having an opinion on it.

her exact words were 'i cant believe you'd think that way'.

i dunno about you lot but im a firm believer in having my own mind and im entitled to think whatever way i like. arent i? and yes she is entitled to hers too but im not the one fighting here, ive told her i accept her opinion, thats its no big deal and not something to be fighting over...

In my opinion, if your partner is okay with you getting a lapdance then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

Would you be okay with some ripped guy rubbing his dick in your gf's face? How does is it make you feel to think of your gf with another semi naked man touching her etc and her getting turned on?

If you're in a relationship you shouldn't need to get lapdances and if you do, you shouldn't be in a relationship. No problem with men just going to strip clubs or whatever, but private lapdances is going too far imho!

Sofiztikated

maguic24 wrote: »

In my opinion, if your partner is okay with you getting a lapdance then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

Would you be okay with some ripped guy rubbing his dick in your gf's face? How does is it make you feel to think of your gf with another semi naked man touching her etc and her getting turned on?

If you're in a relationship you shouldn't need to get lapdances and if you do, you shouldn't be in a relationship. No problem with men just going to strip clubs or whatever, but private lapdances is going too far imho!

That's a bit much. Who are you to say what people do in their relationships, as long as they both agree.

I got my first (and to date, only) lap dance on my honeymoon. My wife picked out the dancer, and paid for it. We returned before we went home, and I was going to pay for my wife to have a dance, but the dancer she preferred wasn't there.

If you think that yours is the only penis that your partner thinks about, then you're deluded. The same way if a woman thinks that a man only thinks about her (and hers only) vagina, then she's mistaken.

Paddy Cow

maguic24 wrote: »

In my opinion, if your partner is okay with you getting a lapdance then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

Why not? I really cannot understand this If both partners are secure and happy enough to know that it won't go further than a dance, what's the problem?

maguic24 wrote: »

Would you be okay with some ripped guy rubbing his dick in your gf's face? How does is it make you feel to think of your gf with another semi naked man touching her etc and her getting turned on?

I was watching "Battle of the Bridesmaids" on Tv3 last night and at one of the hen nights, there was a stripper who had the bride eat a banana out of his speedo's and then pretended to trust his penis into her. It was highly sexual content but no one was turned on. It was a laugh on a hen night. I doubt the groom to be was sitting at home thinking the worst of his bride to be.

maguic24 wrote: »

If you're in a relationship you shouldn't need to get lapdances and if you do, you shouldn't be in a relationship. No problem with men just going to strip clubs or whatever, but private lapdances is going too far imho!

How many times does it have to be reiterated? The op doesn't "need" to get lapdances. He has done them a handful of times in the past when on a lads night out for a laugh but has been sensitive enough/has the self awareness to know that not everyone is cool with this and he has assured his gf that he would never get a lapdance in the future.

The op has made it clear that he respects his girlfriend enough to not get a lapdance as he knows it is something she disapproves of and it's not something that he goes out of his way to get. The argument was that if both partners were ok with it, then what's the problem? I would be more worried if the op was lying to his girlfriend about his "seedy" past or was trying to get lap dances without her knowledge.

Gin77

I don't get lap dancing look but don't touch. Why would anyone do that to themselves. The women must love all these ejits handing over 20€ a pop for a lap dance. Seriously come on watch a porno.

Maglietta

Gin77 wrote: »

I don't get lap dancing look but don't touch. Why would anyone do that to themselves. The women must love all these ejits handing over 20€ a pop for a lap dance. Seriously come on watch a porno.

I got one for £10 in Edinburgh once and had a mutual one with my girlfriend in Las Vegas. It was worth the money in my opinion. It broke up the day with something different to do. If there was a bar with dancing monkeys I'd pay a bit extra to see dancing monkeys too, it's just something different to sitting in your stool drinking.

Oh, and the lap dancer in Las Vegas actually performed oral sex ( only a few quick licks to be fair) on my girlfriend while getting the dance. That was brilliant.

Big Bag of Chips

Sofiztikated, Gin77 and Maglietta warned for Breaching the Forum Charter.

There has already been an on thread warning issued to stick to offering advice to the OP. Personal Issues is not a discussion forum, it is an advice forum.

If anyone is unsure of the rules I suggest you reread the Personal Issues Charter, stickied at the top of the Forum.

claypigeon777

Do not talk about lapdance clubs with your girlfriend ever again. Period.

CommanderC

You want your girlfriend to be okay with the fact that you want to go get private lap dances.............am I missing something here ??

Taltos

After numerous on thread and issued warnings we still have posts offering no constructive advice so as a result we are choosing to close this thread now before each off topic post earns the earned ban.

OP - I really hope you got the advice you need from this.

Taltos