friendjuststoppedtalkingtome

LegacyUser

hi all
ill try keep this short... grew up with a friend through end of primary to late twenties... she just stopped talking to me... to cut a long story short.. it was about 6 years ago.. i had some serious health issues.. friends knew about it.. looking back after reading literature recently i could have actually had an emotional breakdown without realising my body went through a lot of trauma... anyway not making excuses.. but wasn't feeling great found it very hard to talk to people about it and kept trying to be normal.. went out drinking with friends when i shouldn't of been drinking never did anything wrong to anyone but maybe myself more than anything..
the thing is my "friend" just stopped talking to me.. she had asked me to meet her in another part of the country.. we had arranged a day she called me the day before and asked me to come up that night so we could sit in ..i said i wont.. the real reason was i didn't have enough money at the time.. to go for two nights.. next morn i called her to say i was leaving and she said "don't bother" ... i can t remember exactly what happened.. i think i text her after the call and said it would of been nice if you told me that yesterday.. .. she text me and said .. to lodge money i owed her from a night out into her account and i did.. i thought this would blow over.. i called her that x mas and asked her to meet me when we were home and she said no! i was very upset .. she had no explanation... i tried to explain about that weekend away and she said "i don't care"...
we still have friends in common and they don't get involved or so they say... really they just never ask me my side of the story....
one friend told me she said she was sick of me...
looking back i wasn't in a good place then.. but i know i never did anything to her...
i sent her a message on facebook recently asking her to explain it to me as i need to put it to bed. and would appreciate some insight.. she never replied .. i then bumped into her on the street she put her head down (we hadn't seen each other in over 5 years)... she said hi in a low voice and i just carried on walking...
i don't really mind that were not friends anymore.. i would just love to know what happened... or an explanation.. i wonder what type of person can do that... i would never treat anyone like that.. my life is much better now than it was .... but i still wonder about it.....does anyone have any ideas?

Daisy M

From the sounds of it you changed and your friend wasn't able to deal with it. Maybe she felt you let her down or weren't there for her or you were hard work or perhaps she had her own problems. Whatever happened let it go, she obviously doesn't want to go over it all again and you need to accept that.

LegacyUser

Daisy M wrote: »

From the sounds of it you changed and your friend wasn't able to deal with it. Maybe she felt you let her down or weren't there for her or you were hard work or perhaps she had her own problems. Whatever happened let it go, she obviously doesn't want to go over it all again and you need to accept that.

i cant accept that I wasn't there for her... because I always was.. I probably didn't tell her what was going on.. but she is not very emotional .. she would be a strong character... one thing that sticks out in my mind.. is that a family member of hers was suffering from a different health problem.. but kinda similar trauma.. and I pulled out the better end .. while they didn't... she used to mention her relative a lot when she was drunk like she was kinda angry at me... and say... well bla di bla is much worse than you... I remember my friend saying.. and standing up for me saying.. its not her fault.. that is not as badly off as (her relative..).. In the back of my mind I wonder did she throw away years of friendship over this.. ill never know... just thought I deserved an explanation...

Esoteric_

Speaking as somebody who has been in your position with regards to being mentally unwell (although I was diagnosed and treated), you push friends away without realising it when you feel that bad.

Your whole attitude changes, whether you realise it or not. If you're feeling bad all the time, you're not going to be able to be there for a friend as much as you think you have been. There may have been a constant negative vibe from you? The fact that a comment was made about her relative being worse than you makes me think that you must have unloaded some of your problems upon her. Of course, that's normal for friends to do, but I'd imagine it was very tough for her to cope with when a relative of hers was suffering in a similar, more severe way. She may have seen your issues as a case of you needing to cop on to yourself, when compared with her relative.

Either way, you need to let it go. Whether you want to accept it or not, mental illness changes you. I lost some fantastic friends due to mine. I was still there for them, still saw them, still supported them, but I realised years after that I was so damn negative, I always had a sad face on me, and I looked and acted miserable. Eventually, they got sick of it. I regret it, but I won't blame myself for something caused by illness, so I just moved on, as you should do, too.

It's been 5 years, you've messaged her and she ignored it, you're not going to get an answer. It's time to leave the past in the past. Clinging on in the vague hope that she'll be your friend again isn't going to help. Even your thread title says it all. She's not your friend, and hasn't been for years. It's time to let it go.

LegacyUser

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Speaking as somebody who has been in your position with regards to being mentally unwell (although I was diagnosed and treated), you push friends away without realising it when you feel that bad.

Your whole attitude changes, whether you realise it or not. If you're feeling bad all the time, you're not going to be able to be there for a friend as much as you think you have been. There may have been a constant negative vibe from you? The fact that a comment was made about her relative being worse than you makes me think that you must have unloaded some of your problems upon her. Of course, that's normal for friends to do, but I'd imagine it was very tough for her to cope with when a relative of hers was suffering in a similar, more severe way. She may have seen your issues as a case of you needing to cop on to yourself, when compared with her relative.

Either way, you need to let it go. Whether you want to accept it or not, mental illness changes you. I lost some fantastic friends due to mine. I was still there for them, still saw them, still supported them, but I realised years after that I was so damn negative, I always had a sad face on me, and I looked and acted miserable. Eventually, they got sick of it. I regret it, but I won't blame myself for something caused by illness, so I just moved on, as you should do, too.

It's been 5 years, you've messaged her and she ignored it, you're not going to get an answer. It's time to leave the past in the past. Clinging on in the vague hope that she'll be your friend again isn't going to help. Even your thread title says it all. She's not your friend, and hasn't been for years. It's time to let it go.

Hi thanks for your reply.... just to clarify.. no I was never complaining to while I was ill.. I actually was in a very positive mindset then... and she used to come out with statements out of no-where that her family member was much worse than me.. that s why my friend was backing me up.. saying I never claimed to be... I t was after the "treatment" for my trauma.. and recovery.. I think in hindsight .. my body or mind broke down.. I carried on with my daily routine.. with great struggle.... we didn't live near each other so I wasn't really passing negative vibes to her...because we didn't speak much... I suppose it s time s like those you find out who you real friends are.. she certainly doesn't take any prisoners.. and is regarded as a bit of a snob ... just would have been nice to know the reason... !!!!

LegacyUser

Just to give you an insight last year I cut contact with a longstanding friend. If you asked me why I'd not be able to give you an answer. I simply found myself not wanting to spend time with her any longer. She didn't do anything bad to me. She's a nice person. All I can say is that it was like the friendship version of falling out of love.

LegacyUser

The definition of friendship I found was
Friendship is a personal relationship shared between each friend for the welfare of each other, in other words, it is a relationship of trust, faith and concern for each others feelings. It is a relationship of mutual caring and intimacy among one another. A friend is one who knows you as a person and regards you for what you are and doesn’t expect you to be anyone but who you choose to be

I you were going through a hard time.. would nt it be nice for your "friend" to say... is everything ok with you.. I ve noticed your not yourself.... ? or something like that.
that's what I would do and have done with friends who I have felt there was something up with .. I would never simply "dump" someone because they were going through a rough patch... I would never speak to her again anyway because I know if I ever went through a rough patch again she would do the same.. I just wanted reason.. and some of the answers here have helped me clarify things.. thanks..