Never a bridesmaid?

LegacyUser

My best friend of ten years is engaged. When she originally announced her engagement she told me her two sisters were going to be bridesmaids. I knew this before hand as we had talked about "our weddings" loads of times. When talking about "our weddings" she had suggested if she was to have three bridesmaids I would definitely be one. She also used to joke that I would have to ask my partner to not choose his best friend as best man as he was quiet short and she was quiet tall and the wedding photos would look silly implying that she would be maid of honor if I was to get married. Which she would have been

Recently she slipped into conversation that she had also asked her other friend of 5 years to be bridesmaid. She was maid of honor to this friend previously. This piece of information was just slipped into conversation and completely glossed over. It was like getting punched in the stomach I am so upset and hurt by this. This is a girl I considered my best friend but she obviously didn't consider me hers I am gutted

I know its her right to choose who she does and does not want in her wedding. Obviously she just doesn't want me there and too get over it but it really really hurts.
I don't know weather to talk to her about it as i don't want to upset her or put her under pressure to include me. I feel there is an elephant in the room every time we are together and i don't know what to do. Do I tell her how hurt I am?

Merkin

Oh dear, you poor thing, of course it is natural to feel hurt. Do you think she maybe felt obliged to ask this other friend seeing as she acted as the maid of honour at her wedding? That's what I'd assume in this instance.

rainbowtrout

niceneasy123 wrote: »

Obviously she just doesn't want me there and too get over it but it really really hurts.
I don't know weather to talk to her about it as i don't want to upset her or put her under pressure to include me. I feel there is an elephant in the room every time we are together and i don't know what to do. Do I tell her how hurt I am?

That's a complete overreaction, because she didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid doesn't mean she doesn't want you at the wedding. Maybe she asked the other woman to return the favour as such, or perhaps because she knows they work well together in the bride/bridesmaid roles as they've already done this. Maybe on a more practical level this other woman has better organisational skills than you and she sees her as someone who will get stuff done when needed.

You've been friends with her for 10 years, it's not a god given right that you get to be a bridesmaid. You'll still be attending the wedding.

freshpopcorn

I know sometimes people are pressured into asking sisters to be brides maids by the sisters themselves and there parents. I know when I get married my parents will nearly expect me to pick my brother to be bet man even tough we never really talk that much.
Your friend probably asked the person she was maid of honor for because she felt like she might had to return the favor.
Don't worry OP you'll till get asked to the hen night/You can also go looking at dresses with her if ye go shopping together. You'll be asked to the ceremony. Try and be happy for your friend.

LegacyUser

I know ill be asked to the ceremony rainbowtrout and didn't mean to imply that I wasn't wanted at the wedding just not wanted in the wedding party.
I understand that she may have felt obliged to ask the girl she was made of honor for but whenever we discussed "our weddings" she made it quiet clear it would be her sisters who would be asked and if she ever had a third it would be me. I guess im just blindsided by the whole thing. I am happy for her. I work as an event organizer so doubt its about organizational skills. I guess i just need to suck it up and get over it

liquoriceall

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I know sometimes people are pressured into asking sisters to be brides maids by the sisters themselves and there parents. I know when I get married my parents will nearly expect me to pick my brother to be bet man even tough we never really talk that much.
Your friend probably asked the person she was maid of honor for because she felt like she might had to return the favor.
Don't worry OP you'll till get asked to the hen night/You can also go looking at dresses with her if ye go shopping together. You'll be asked to the ceremony. Try and be happy for your friend.

Hi my best friend got married a couple of months ago & I was relieved not to be bridesmaid (her sisters in law were ).....however she did apologise & say she wasnt able to have me etc I personally thought it was a lovely gesture & showed great kindness
If I were you it would be the just slipping it into a chat that would really upset me not the being omitted

ivytwine

Hey OP

Unfortunately what another poster said above is true. Sisters are practically obligatory bridesmaids whether they are close or not. My friend was saying this recently- she hardly speaks to her sister but she rolled her eyes and said "I suppose she'll have to be my bridesmaid" whenever she gets married.

I know this is very hurtful for you. But I can imagine your friend had a hard choice in front of her. From a financial point of view, every extra bridesmaid is an extra financial burden on the bride and groom and perhaps they simply couldn't afford four.

Look, too, at the bright side. You'll be able to enjoy the day on your terms without having to line up for endless photos, sit at the top table, do a load of organising, wear a matching dress (!) It's not all bad.

If you're still feeling rotten about it, do just mention it to her. I'm sure it's not about you.

Good luck OP x

OP I think you're over-reacting big time.

You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to be upset by whatever you want any time you want - you can't choose your emotions. However you've objectively suffered no tragedy, and no one's done anything wrong.

So while it's ok to be upset, it's not something worth giving her wedding-drama over. It's her big day and she can do whatever she wants, it would be extremely unfair to bring this up with her as it could only serve to either make her feel awkward and guilty, or resentful, or she even might then feel forced to include you in the bridal party, which would surely be twice as awkward as the situation is now. Weddings are stressful and there are usually a handful of people that kick up a fuss - don't be one of them, she's your friend and needs your support.

December2012

I think if you're the kind of person who would ask why you were not asked to be bridesmaid, then you're not the kind of person who should be asked to be a bridesmaid.

Magicmatilda

This happened to me. I was upset aswell buy I just accepted that Obviousely she considered her other friend a better,closer friend than me. When I looked back I could see she had never really included me. Anyway I just kind of distanced myself from the whole thing. Obviousely I went to the hen and wedding. I even went dress shopping with her, it was nice of her to ask but it just felt weird, really. In the end I was glad to be able to enjoy the day but it definitely changed how I viewed her as a friend.

This was all 2 years ago now and she has since moved away. We are still in sporadic contact and I still care about her but I put a lot less emphasis on our friend ship now

It's a pity but u really couldn't help how I felt.

CommanderC

December2012 wrote: »

I think if you're the kind of person who would ask why you were not asked to be bridesmaid, then you're not the kind of person who should be asked to be a bridesmaid.

WTF does that even mean ??

They have been friends for 10 years, OP was told repeatedly that she would be a third bridesmaid.


It is completely understandable that she be upset. The friend should have explained why she could not choose the OP as a bridesmaid. Just a simple few words, no grovelling for forgiveness required, to clarify the situation, in light of the fact that she had previously stated that the OP would in fact be in the bridal party.

rainbowtrout

CommanderC wrote: »

WTF does that even mean ??

They have been friends for 10 years, OP was told repeatedly that she would be a third bridesmaid.


It is completely understandable that she be upset. The friend should have explained why she could not choose the OP as a bridesmaid. Just a simple few words, no grovelling for forgiveness required, to clarify the situation, in light of the fact that she had previously stated that the OP would in fact be in the bridal party.

But if you read the OP, those conversations were before the bride to be ever got engaged, as in 'how I will plan my wedding if I ever get engaged'. It's not a legally binding agreement and the bride can have whoever she wants to be bridesmaid. The OP does not have a right to be a bridesmaid. I've been friends with people 10 years, 20 years, I've also been friends with people 5 years. It doesn't mean the ones I've been friends with 20 years would be my automatic choice as bridesmaid for a variety of reasons.

December2012

Well I'm not really going to get into it with you, my point was directed to the OP.

We all will have feelings about certain things, be hurt or slighted maybe, but I think it is crass to bring it up.

A bridesmaid is a choice of the bridal party for their own reason - to question that is putting the bride in a horrible position when she then has to address the issue.

Which in my opinion has already been dealt with, ie "I didn't want you to be my third bridesmaid, I wanted this other person".

Relationships change over time. And it's ok to have different levels of friendship.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Well I'm not really going to get into it with you, my point was directed to the OP.

We all will have feelings about certain things, be hurt or slighted maybe, but I think it is crass to bring it up.

A bridesmaid is a choice of the bridal party for their own reason - to question that is putting the bride in a horrible position when she then has to address the issue.

Which in my opinion has already been dealt with, ie "I didn't want you to be my third bridesmaid, I wanted this other person".

Relationships change over time. And it's ok to have different levels of friendship.

I understand were you are coming from and you are right it would be crass to say something. The thing that is upsetting me is that when my friend announced her engagement she originally told me about her sisters being bridesmaids. I said I understood and we even joked that if her sister couldn't make it as she lives in a different country that i would step in. She said that.
Then some months later it was slipped into conversation and quickly glossed over that she was having a third bridesmaid and it wasn't me. So she obviously knew I would be upset.

Im upset with how the situation was handled, If my friend had of said to me i have to pick x because of reasons y and z. I think I would feel a whole lot better about the situation
Im not saying I have a right to be upset or that im jumping up and down saying "it should be me"
I guess I thought I had a better relationship with my friend than i do, it is her special day and she has a right to decide who is and who isn't in the wedding party

December2012

But you may have exactly the kind of relationship you thought you did, it just may be that she's closer to this other person. That doesn't mean she doesn't value you less for your friendship.

LegacyUser

Really OP, you have to stop this childish carry on. Your friend is perfectly entitled to pick no-one or anyone to be her bridesmaid. I can't believe that it has even crossed your mind to bring it up with her, that is truly selfish thinking on your part. You don't know her reasons behind this - maybe it's because of family or connected friends pressure; but even still, it is not your place to quiz her if she simply wants to have someone else. It is her choice for her wedding, and it's her choice to change her mind. It's her wedding! She obviously chose what/whom she wanted.

I know this will sound harsh, but I really think that you are being terribly childish and selfish, and you have to let this go if you want to retain any friendship with this person. And you also need to learn how to let things like this go for your own self-worth/well-being.

Paddy Cow

niceneasy123 wrote: »

I understand were you are coming from and you are right it would be crass to say something. The thing that is upsetting me is that when my friend announced her engagement she originally told me about her sisters being bridesmaids. I said I understood and we even joked that if her sister couldn't make it as she lives in a different country that i would step in. She said that.
Then some months later it was slipped into conversation and quickly glossed over that she was having a third bridesmaid and it wasn't me. So she obviously knew I would be upset.

Im upset with how the situation was handled, If my friend had of said to me i have to pick x because of reasons y and z. I think I would feel a whole lot better about the situation
Im not saying I have a right to be upset or that im jumping up and down saying "it should be me"
I guess I thought I had a better relationship with my friend than i do, it is her special day and she has a right to decide who is and who isn't in the wedding party

I think your friend handled it in a sh!tty way. She told you that if there was need for a replacement or a third bridesmaid, that person would be you. To then casually drop into the conversation that it wouldn't be you, says to me that she knew you would be upset but she didn't want to have to deal with that. Now you have to go along with it as if you say anything, you will be the horrible cow who upset the bride.

I don't think you are being childish or selfish for feeling the way you do. You sound like an understanding friend and like you say, if she had said to you something along the lines of "I'm really sorry but as I was bridesmaid of honour at X's wedding, I feel like I should return the gesture. I hope you understand and don't worry, you won't be left out of anything as you have been a close friend for years". Sure you would probably still feel a bit miffed but you would have gotton over it a lot quicker than her totally ignoring your feelings.

It doesn't take a lot to let someone down gently and it saves a lot of hurt emotions.

Big Bag of Chips

I think she's embarrassed to be honest. I wouldn't think this girl is a better friend of hers, or she feels closer to her than you, bit I think she felt under pressure from somewhere.. could be family, could be just a personal pressure that because she was her bridesmaid, she felt she should ask her back. You'd be surprised how often in a wedding the couple do things to please others rather than to please themselves.

I think it's understandable you're upset. I don't get the impression you are sulking or are going to let it ruin your friendship. But I can understand your disappointment.

Paddy Cow

This has to stop! wrote: »

Really OP, you have to stop this childish carry on. Your friend is perfectly entitled to pick no-one or anyone to be her bridesmaid. I can't believe that it has even crossed your mind to bring it up with her, that is truly selfish thinking on your part. You don't know her reasons behind this - maybe it's because of family or connected friends pressure; but even still, it is not your place to quiz her if she simply wants to have someone else. It is her choice for her wedding, and it's her choice to change her mind. It's her wedding! She obviously chose what/whom she wanted.

I know this will sound harsh, but I really think that you are being terribly childish and selfish, and you have to let this go if you want to retain any friendship with this person. And you also need to learn how to let things like this go for your own self-worth/well-being.

It's not like the op's friend blew her off to go on a night out with this other girl. We're talking about being a bridesmaid here, which is a huge deal for friends. It's the way the op's friend told her, rather than what happened which is upsetting the op. TBH if the op hadn't felt somewhat upset/betrayed about being promised and denied a bridesmaid position I would think that they weren't very close.

When my sister got married she had her sisters and friends as bridesmaids. I always knew that her BFF would be bridesmaid of honour so I was really surprised to find that I was slighty jealous/resentful that it wasn't me :eek: I knew in my head that I was being silly (I would've been a terrible maid of honour) and I got over it very quickly. Emotions are tricky and I can see how the op is feeling the way she is.

dellas1979

So, its selfish for the OP to have feelings? Awh come on like.

The way the bride dealt with this, for whatever her reasons, is so silly. She has now potentially lost a (good) friend.

OP, I would ask her why. In a "I felt a little upset when I heard your news about X being the 3rd bridesmaid". Let it roll from there.

Addle

I know how you feel OP.
I think you're entitled to be hurt over it.

My so called best friend told me she wasn't asking me to be her bridesmaid because I didn't fit into the 'look' she wanted for her wedding party.
How she expected our relationship to be the same after telling me that I was too fat to be a bridesmaid is beyond me.

Weddings bring out the worst in some people.

freshpopcorn

OP I think I posted something similar to this previously.
The bride probably asked her sisters because she felt like she had to. They could have being putting a lot of pressure on her to do so and also her parents.The reason the other person got asked was because she might had felt under pressure from the person she was matron of honor.
I am a guy in my twenties when my parents got married and aunts and uncle. Generally sister of the bride and groom were brides maids and the best man/groomsmen were generally their brothers. I also asked my mother about this and and she said that how generally things were done.She said that people didn't really start asking friends etc not until the 1990s. Even in our local town when people get married still generally the more traditional families ask their siblings to do these jobs.
If I am being honest with you I know you might be upset but I think if ye were really really good friends you would be happy for her and go to the wedding. They will probably be plenty of more times you'll get to be bridesmaid.

Lorna123

I would feel exactly like you OP, but I don't think you should say anything because the damage is done now and nothing is going to change that. Even if she were to ask you to be a 4th bridesmaid if you told her how you feel, it would not cut it. She knows how hurt you feel and she is choosing to ignore it, so that's what I would do too. She is letting you know where you stand in her priorities. Friendships change and this one obviously has. Grin and bear it OP and you will turn out the better person in all of this. These things hurt a lot but it is all part of life and I have suffered a few disappointments in people myself. That's just how it is in this world. I would be so hurt I probably would not go to the wedding but I know that that would just make me look bad, so probably best not to do that. No, I would just go and totally ignore it. Say nothing about this to anyone as it will get back to her if you do and you don't need the aggro. But, I would be looking at my friendship with this girl in a different light in the future. That's just me.

LegacyUser

You're perfectly entitled to feel hurt: but you're not entitled to feel entitled. You are well out of order even wanting to hint at this to the couple getting married. They've made their choice, which doesn't include you. I feel sorry for your hurt; but you would be well over-stepping the boundaries if you ever even hint at this.

It's not your wedding, it's not your decision, get over it or lose a friend.

LegacyUser

Get over it wrote: »

You're perfectly entitled to feel hurt: but you're not entitled to feel entitled. You are well out of order even wanting to hint at this to the couple getting married. They've made their choice, which doesn't include you. I feel sorry for your hurt; but you would be well over-stepping the boundaries if you ever even hint at this.

It's not your wedding, it's not your decision, get over it or lose a friend.

I never said that i was entitled in fact I did say "Im not saying I have a right to be upset or that im jumping up and down saying "it should be me" But that I was upset about how the situation was handled
I also said I was not going to say anything to my friend. Yes I am hurt and yes I will just have to get over it thanks for your input

Addle

Get over it wrote: »

You're perfectly entitled to feel hurt: but you're not entitled to feel entitled. You are well out of order even wanting to hint at this to the couple getting married.

Clearly, the OP had a sense of expectation based on conversations with the bride to be, not a sense of entitlement.

It's tough OP. Your relationship will never be the same, all over what is essentially just a party.

Pj!

You absolutely have every right to be upset OP and have every right to vent it here.
It wouldn't be a good thing to bring it up with her, especially before the wedding. It would have been polite of her to talk to you about it and its unfortunate that she didn't. It may well be on her mind too but it's up to her to bring it up now.
You can only reevaluate your relationship a bit and go from there.

jdsk2006

I think your friend has made a massive statement. She made an absolute balls of handling the whole situation and treated you terribly. I myself cannot abide by people who are passively aggressive, and her method of tellin you bout the 3rd bm was nothing but. It was unjust, uncalled for, unnecessary and downright rude of your friend to purposly dismiss your hurt. Your feelings are very valid op and i agree with posters who say the friendship will be affected......you would be best off not to mention it tho- she knew what she was doing and its done now.

freshpopcorn

OP, I think one bit of advise I would give you would not to be to annoyed or fall out with your friend over this. You will still do the stuff that ye normally do and you will also get to do the wedding stuff as well. The reason I say this is because if anything happens to your friend in the morning you'll feel really bad over it. Holding a grudge/cutting a friend out should only be done for a really serious issue. I don't think this is a really big issue in my opinion to be honest. I can understand how you might be annoyed now but if ye were really good friends in the first place. You should forgive her over it. Friends always make mistakes some more serious than others and most are forgivable. I think this is something you should forgive your friend for and try and go back to what ye used to have.

leahyl

Op I think you have every right to be upset, I know if it were me I would feel exactly the same. I would like to know the reason behind it as otherwise I just couldn't carry on with the friendship to be honest without feeling strange being around her - it's not even the fact that she didn't "choose" you as a bridesmaid, it's the way she just slipped it casually into the conversation after telling you for the past number of years that if she had a 3rd bridesmaid it would be you. I would just feel extremely let down, this girl is meant to be your best friend.

I would have to say it to her if it were me, to clear the air and find out why she didn't ask you. You could just be honest and say something like "look there's something I need to say; I was really hurt that you asked X to be your bridesmaid over me etc" and see what she says

dellas1979

I think the OP saying nothing is equally as passive.

Hurt her feelings before the wedding? Well, she didnt have much regard for your feelings now, did she. But its ok, cause you'll take it. Hers are more important than yours, arent they? Are you scared you might loose her friendship because you speak up? Talk about being walked/passed over. She probably knows you wont bring it up.

I just couldnt do it. To me, it would feel false to keep it up and say nothing.

Addle

If the OP says something, I bet it'll just be put down to jealousy.

Katya

Op you are entitled to be upset. Getting married doesn't give one a pass to be inconsiderate. Yes the bride can choose her bridesmaids, but knowing what she had said to you in the past she should have had a chat with you before asking the third bridesmaid. You should speak to her and say you don't want to to fall out but that you are upset that you weren't asked and would like to know why that was.

dellas1979

If they really thought that, then they defo would not be considered a friend. So, nothing to loose.

jdsk2006

If op mentions it to the bride then i can guarantee you she will pull the victim card. Op will be accused of creating a drama and will only end up finding herself bitched about and isolated from the event.

ShaShaBear

This is precisely why I made it my business not to ask my best friend to be my third bridesmaid until I was absolutely positive that she would be. I had asked my own sister to be chief bridesmaid, and my partner's sister to be the other (we are very close). When my OH had finally confirmed a best man and three groomsmen, I asked my friend to be a bridesmaid. She was never told she might be, or who I had already asked. If I couldn't ask her at all, she would have had no expectations at all.

Your friend has every right to choose someone else, but her way of handling this has shown her value of your friendship. Just make sure her next step isn't using your career skills to plan her wedding despite you having been shunned for a space in the party.

tatli_lokma

Plus the friend getting married and her chosen maid of honour must be quite close, given that the bride to be was maid of honour for this friend. It is a pretty big honour to some people to be asked to be maid of honour, so the friend probably feels the need to return the favour. Remember, she is not only overlooking OP but both her sisters by having this friend as maid of honour

I totally see why OP is feeling left out and it is totally natural. Her mate handled it badly in the way she told her. But I think it's a sign that this other friend comes higher in the ranking than you. That's not to say she couldn't have made some explanation of her reasoning just to be considerate of her friends feelings. But I think OP needs to just try to move on from it and try not to dwell on it too much. Friendships change.