Wedding problem

LegacyUser

Post regularly but going unreg for this.

One of my best friends is getting married in a month. I am quite close to him and his soon to be wife. I started going out with a girl just under a year ago. They invited both of us to the wedding. However we've VERY recently broke up and she still plans on going to the wedding anyway.

The main issue is that its a small wedding with only about 75-80 people in attendance. I asked her not to come to the wedding as it was a pretty bad break-up (laundry list of arguments got bottled up and came out in one massive row) along with the fact she only knows me, the bride and the groom.

She says she's still going to go, which I think she is doing partially because she wants to go and mainly because she wants to spite me (its one of the reason's we rowed, she has a tendency to be spiteful). I've asked her multiple times not to come as I am in the wedding party and I'll be in close proximity to the bride and groom most of the wedding day which will make for a fair bit of awkwardness.

Would I be wrong in asking the groom to un-invite her? I've know him for the last 12 years his fiancé about 3.5 years (since they got together) and she only knows him and his fiancé 9 months tops. I've offered to give her back her share of the hotel costs (in full) and I have paid for their wedding present myself. I do understand this may sound petty on my end by asking for her not to go or to be un-invited, but if the roles were reversed I would have no problem with bowing out if asked to do so. Hell, I would have probably decided myself to no go at all.

Teagwee

While I sympathise with your situation OP, I think it's unreasonable to ask the groom/bride to un-invite someone. If, as you say, this girl has spiteful tendencies, your pleading with her not to go on multiple occasions has likely fuelled her desire to go for the effect it will have on you.
Under normal circumsyances, keeping one's distance is good to get over a break-up but as this isn't an option with your involvement in the wedding, you'll have to take steps to minimise the grief for yourself. Stop pleading with her not to go - don't feed this part of the ongoing contentiousness. Withdraw from all contact and let what happens, happen.
Have a strategy in place with another close friend or friends to keep you out of her way as much as possible. Acknowledge her with a nod or something if she gets into your space and move away asap. You mustn't allow this bitterness to ruin the big day for your friends. Even if she can't behave with dignity, be sure that you do.

P. Breathnach

Ouch! That's a really awkward one for you, OP.

The timing is a problem. With the wedding only a month away, the bride and groom probably have enough to be thinking about without having another issue put on their to-do list. On the other hand, you have to think about the possibility that your ex might spoil their day (if it's just your day she spoils, I'd suggest you suck it up for their sakes). Is there anybody close to the situation, such as the best man, with whom you might discuss your concerns?

Big Bag of Chips

If you're in the bridal party you won't have much to do with her at all. You won't be sitting near her. You'll be busy having photographs taken. You can busy yourself with other people you know at the wedding at the evening part.

Believe it or not, it is quite easy to ignore someone in a crowded room if you really really want to, and even if she approches you, and you would rather not speak to her, you can suddenly be busy having to do/get something for the groom.

NeonCookies

Looks like you've two options:

1. As it's a month away, if you stop humouring her by talking about it and pleading with her, maybe she will just decide not to go. She may only be saying it because it's so raw right now and she wants to hurt you. So one option would be to cut all contact, and just see what happens. You've gotten some great advice already on how to deal with her if she shows up.

2. With regards to asking for her to be un-invited, talk to the best man and decide together based on the chances of her giving trouble on the day. From what you've said she seems to be more of a named plus 1 as opposed to someone they truly wanted at the wedding. But you'll know the couple best.

Then again, as you're close to the groom, I imagine he knows (or will know soon) that you broke up anyway so he will surely ask if she's still going? If he asks, tell the truth. He might even offer to un-invite her! Personally, I'd hate for a close friend to be worried about something like this on my wedding day and would have no hesitation un-inviting someone I only invited because of said friend in the first place ESPECIALLY if I felt they may cause drama or awkwardness on the day.

Dubflier

Im no expert on these situations but here are the options I would be looking at,

Have a chat with the best man and Groom and suggest that the best man contacts her and explains that she might consider not attending.
(I saying this as there may be a scene later in the evening after a few drinks have been consumed)

The second option if she does go would be to ignore her but that's easier said than done.

Third option would be to ask another young lady to accompany you, of course this would have to be done with the consent of the bride & groom

Any way best of luck

3DataModem

I think you are obliged to let the groom know you aren't together, that she plans on going anyway. After that its not your problem; she's not a +1 but was invited by name.

If she shows up just be civil, friendly even, and let her screw it up for herself ( if thats her plan ) without you goading her.

LegacyUser

OP, that's very strange that your ex still wants to go to your friends wedding. Are they your friends and she only met them through you or she met them before you guys got together?

I broke up with my ex boyfriend a month ago and we are invited to his best friend's wedding next month. I met the couple 10 months ago through my ex boyfriend but because I'm not with him anymore, I decided not to go to the wedding to avoid awkwardness. Although my ex thinks I should still go, obviously he still loves me and wants me to be there but I just don't feel right to be there when we are not together.

I don't know why your ex still wants to go, does she have a very close relationship with the couple? If she doesn't want to change her mind, I don't think you should ask your friend to uninvite her, it's not an easy option for them. You should go to the wedding and do your own things, talk to whoever you like and just be civil to your ex and don't focus your attention on her.

Enjoy the wedding and all the best.

LegacyUser

Call your friend and explain it to him.

Unless it was a serious gf and they were great mates, or an ex wife, an ex has no business going along and the message that she will be unwelcome there should be sent her way.

Has she no shame?

LegacyUser

3DataModem wrote: »

I think you are obliged to let the groom know you aren't together, that she plans on going anyway. After that its not your problem; she's not a +1 but was invited by name.

Hi OP here.

That's the thing she HAS been invited by name, It says "Benny & June" are cordially invited....

I'm worried she's going to make a scene after a few drinks have been imbibed. I will be speaking to the groom VERY soon and I will mention that we have broken up. However I think I shall contact the best man tomorrow asap and run through the issue with him. He is the grooms brother and may have a better handle on things when it comes down to it.

Dubflier wrote: »

Third option would be to ask another young lady to accompany you, of course this would have to be done with the consent of the bride & groom

Unfortunately Dubflier this is not an option it is a small affair and even the guys that have started seeing someone in the last 3 - 4 months haven't been given a plus one, unless they want to come after the dinner is over

Plus, if I were allowed I think this may stand to goad her further into a row which will make a show of me and bring down the spirits of the bride and groom.

coolhandluke

Does this one know the bridal couple independently of you ? Because otherwise she sounds like a right nutjob.....if she is just going to piss you off, then she is bound to try pull some stunt in front of you. I'd ask your mate to uninvite her.....

On the other hand if she knows them as well, then you will just have to suck it up.........

Ham Sambo

First chance you get give your mate (the groom) a buzz, However I wouldn't ask him to un-invite her, if he hears your side of the story then he and his bride to be should be allowed to decide what happens

freshpopcorn

Did the invite actually say her name or did it say your name+guest. If it said this I would say that I'm bringing someone else now. I would say that the bride and groom will take your side anyway tbh. It sounds a bit odd to me that he would want to go still. Maybe if she was best friends with the bride but he doesn't even know them that well.
Just make it clear to the woman. That you have nothing to do with her and that she has to find her own accommodation give her back the money and fund her own present if he doe end up going.

Supraman

Hmmm as you're at the top table ask a waiter can you check her plate first when food is coming out as she's your partner and you know she's fussy . Leave a little accompaniment with the food whatever that may be . I suggest using your imagination

Smile down at her for the rest of night knowing she may be spiteful but you've had your fun and that's all that matters !

lazygal

I would have liked a heads up about this when I was getting married. Just so I'd know of any potential drama or problems in advance, and plan accordingly.

Dolbert

Supraman wrote: »

Hmmm as you're at the top table ask a waiter can you check her plate first when food is coming out as she's your partner and you know she's fussy . Leave a little accompaniment with the food whatever that may be . I suggest using your imagination

Er, don't do this. Why would he actively try to create a scene when he's trying to avoid it

OP the easiest thing to do is to get on with it and be civil. If you're in the bridal party you really won't be near her much at all during the day as you'll be busy with photos etc. Tbh she's the one who's going to look a bit strange for insisting on coming along despite everything.

Boombastic

I don't think she'll turn up. She is only saying it to wind you up (and it's working) you are taking the right approach. Have a word with the bestman. If she does turn up, ignore her. If you are put in a position where you really have to talk to her, be polite but keep the conversation short

Supraman

Dolbert wrote: »

Er, don't do this. Why would he actively try to create a scene when he's trying to avoid it

OP the easiest thing to do is to get on with it and be civil. If you're in the bridal party you really won't be near her much at all during the day as you'll be busy with photos etc. Tbh she's the one who's going to look a bit strange for insisting on coming along despite everything.

I'm taking the p1ss literally of course I wouldn't advocate that .

Starokan

Has she become very close to the bride or groom in the year you guys have been going out, if not she she has no place going to the wedding and I'm guessing she will probably not turn up.

If she has become close friends then Im sure that the bride or groom will already know you have broken up

Talk to the groom and see if they want the invite to still stand for her, if they do grin and bear it and if they dont contact her and let her know

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think you should say anything to the bride or groom. You can let them know you have broken up, but you should not expect them to uninvite her. When you invite someone, by name, to a wedding it is very difficult to uninvite them.

I would consider it bad manners to specifically uninvite someone. If it was my wedding, I would expect the couple to figure it out between themselves, and if they both decided to go I would expect them to behave accordingly, as they are guests at our day.

Let her do her thing. Steer clear of her and enjoy the day.

tinkerbell

OP, is she friends with the bride or groom or is the only reason she was invited is because she was your girlfriend at the time?

She sounds like a complete psycho tbh if she is insisting on going when you've broken up yet is not friends with the bride and groom. If I were the wedding couple, I'd want to know if this psycho ex-girlfriend of the groomsman was insisting to come if she's no longer welcome. It's a small wedding, so really it'll be hard to avoid her.

I think you should speak to the groom / best man and give them a heads up. No doubt they'll say uninvite her. Then call her up and say that you've discussed it with the wedding couple and as she is no longer your gf, the invite does not stand and there will no longer be a place for her at the wedding.

Also, if I was the wedding couple, I'd be pretty pissed off if I were forking out the price of a meal for a guest who shouldn't really be there because she's no longer in my friend's life ... She has no right to go now. She sounds like a complete weirdo tbh.

December2012

I think you should tell the bride and groom, leave it up to them to do something or not.

No matter what she says or does you focus on the bridal party and enjoy yourself.

If she starts on you, you walk away.

Maybe she's friends with the bride, and she'll still be coming. Whatever happens, if she starts do not rise to her.

Neyite

OP, there is a good chance that while the best man and the groom might not see the potential for fall out on the day, once the bride gets wind of it, she definitely will.

Let the best man know. Explain that she is a bit volatile at the moment, and that you want to reassure him (and groom) that you will do your best to stay out of her way on the day.

They then have the choice to either chance leaving her on the guest list or uninvite her. If they choose to leave her on. they cant blame you for any scene, especially if you distance yourself from her as much as you can.

ncmc

OP, you’ve said that you VERY recently split up (your emphasis) Is it possible that your ex’s head is all over the place at the moment and that when she has a chance to cool down and think it through, she won’t go? Unless she is a total head the ball, I would be very surprised if she actually turned up. Look at it this way, it’s a very small wedding where she will be sitting on her own (as you are in wedding party) and she knows she is not wanted, who in their right mind would want to do that?

I would tell the groom, but I would not ask him to un-invite her unless he offers, that’s a really awkward position to put him in. I would be inclined not to contact her or speak to her about it again and I reckon there’s a good chance she won’t show up. If she does, you are just going to have to ignore her. Tell your friends what is going on and ask them to help you out and give you support in keeping her out of your way.

It’s a horrible situation OP and I feel bad for you that it’s ruining what should be a special day for you.

numnumcake

It does seem quite odd that she wants to go and I think if she does it would make it very awkward for everyone concerned. The most important thing is that the bride and grooms day runs smoothly without any drama. I think you should let the couple know that if she does go she may cause a scene and let them make the final decision themselves.

Tbh I can't understand why she would want to go if she's not really wanted there she's just going to make a show of herself.

Ickle Magoo

Supraman wrote: »

I'm taking the p1ss literally of course I wouldn't advocate that .

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Forever Hopeful

ncmc wrote: »

OP, you’ve said that you VERY recently split up (your emphasis) Is it possible that your ex’s head is all over the place at the moment and that when she has a chance to cool down and think it through, she won’t go? Unless she is a total head the ball, I would be very surprised if she actually turned up. Look at it this way, it’s a very small wedding where she will be sitting on her own (as you are in wedding party) and she knows she is not wanted, who in their right mind would want to do that?

I would tell the groom, but I would not ask him to un-invite her unless he offers, that’s a really awkward position to put him in. I would be inclined not to contact her or speak to her about it again and I reckon there’s a good chance she won’t show up. If she does, you are just going to have to ignore her. Tell your friends what is going on and ask them to help you out and give you support in keeping her out of your way.

It’s a horrible situation OP and I feel bad for you that it’s ruining what should be a special day for you.

^^^^ This - I have to agree.
Its quite possible she still has feelings for you and maybe, just maybe, there isn't spite involved but more so she's hurt and well, holding on to whatever plans you guys had. I know I can be blamed for targeting an event I knew my ex was at which involved dressing up just to show him what he is missing.
Its a very odd thing for her to do given you guys weren't together long and she doesn't know the couple well. The only rational explanation is she is hurting and by God, we can be strange folks when we're in pain.
I can't add anymore to what others have suggested on how to handle it (all very good suggestions) but yes avoid her (if she goes).

JustAThought

Is the problem also the hotel room booking? You don't need that ! Call the hotel & explain that the room occupancy is for one only - yours - or if you can cancel it entirely & make another in a false name for single occupancy. Irish hotels dont need passports to register, & yiu can pre-pay or stipulate that no details be given out by staff.

The other issue could be the seating arrangements which I'm guessing would make it necessary to tell the groom/bride. Keep it top level - we have discussed it, x is insisting she wants to come, I'm not comfortable with it -would you mind ensuring we are at different tables please.

And stay far away from her : have you a buffer who will steer her away from you ? I had a situation like this & we stayed in different hotels, we're put at different tables & had social buffers to extract us from troubles as the drink & night went on - worked remarkably well, surprisingly.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I've spoken to the best man and I've spoken to the groom. I've advised them what happened and he groom I explained the situation to the groom and he said he felt it would be best for her not to come, as she only know the bride, groom and myself. So he's said they are going to contact her and "ask" her not to come.

As one poster suggested. I have rang the hotel and asked them not to deal with anyone bar myself and not to confirm any rooms booked in my name.

Thanks all for the help.

ncmc

Wedding blues wrote: »

Hi OP here,

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I've spoken to the best man and I've spoken to the groom. I've advised them what happened and he groom I explained the situation to the groom and he said he felt it would be best for her not to come, as she only know the bride, groom and myself. So he's said they are going to contact her and "ask" her not to come.

As one poster suggested. I have rang the hotel and asked them not to deal with anyone bar myself and not to confirm any rooms booked in my name.

Thanks all for the help.

Well done OP, for what it's worth, I think you handled this really well. Hopefully you will have a great day now that this worry is behind you.