Dating single parent

orca2008

Hey there,

I have been dating a single parent for four months now and he is really nice but he is only free one Saturday every month and I see him once a week during the week. Its gone to a stage where I just see him once a week really and wonder has anyone had similar situations dating a single dad.

Thanks.

banie01

orca2008 wrote: »

Hey there,

I have been dating a single parent for four months now and he is really nice but he is only free one Saturday every month and I see him once a week during the week. Its gone to a stage where I just see him once a week really and wonder has anyone had similar situations dating a single dad.

Thanks.

From personal experience(I am a single dad)
It is a very hard situation for him, his priority will be keeping things as normal and routine as possible for his child(ren) and there is a huge amount of worry around introducing people into their lives(in any capacity, not just romantic) who may end up being a short term thing.
I don't know what circumstances he is a single parent in, Full custody, part time or whatever.
But a huge concern in these circumstances for single parents is avoiding causing any abandonment or attachment issues for their kids by having people come in and out of their kids sphere too early in relationships and without knowing where this may, or where we actually want it to go.

I know in my own case, I'm currently seeing my GF 18mths.
We usually have Fridays to ''ourselves'' as my son stays in his Nana's and she will usually stay over 1 night a week aswell.
My GF and my son get on really well, but a major concern of mine will always be that she is my GF, not a surrogate parent.
It was and is important for us to have our own relationship develop.
That said, we have spoken about where we see our relationship going and have taken ''family'' holidays and a lot more of our time together is spent as all 3 of us.
This has taken time, and discussion along with a lot of trust.

You are at the very early stages of your relationship, you need to ask yourself if you see a future with this guy?
And if you do?
What do you need to make it work for you?
A workable and good relationship with a single parent is very possible(and I hope very rewarding!)
But it takes a lot more compromise than starting with a clean slate, and sometimes too much compromise can leave the non-parent feeling undervalued and all too often be a source of resentment.
If this is a relationship you want to persue, be aware of this and remember to communicate!
Compromise is a 2-way street and while his child(ren) will always come 1st that can't be an excuse for inflexibility either.

Chara1001

Hi OP,

Banie01 has given a great reply, but i just thought i'd give my two cents also.

I'm a single parent also (mother) to a young baby. I'm not dating at the moment by choice and won't even think of it for a while yet. However, i'd be very careful who i introduced into my son's life, but also a partner's needs would be much lower down the list than my baby's needs. It would just have to stay that way.
So i understand what you're saying and from my point of view, I reckon the only person who could really understand that plans may have to change/ cancel at the last minute or that it's impossible to see each other more than twice a week for the first while etc etc would be a single dad.

I guess it all depends on how much you're willing to compromise, but i think communication is the main thing

orca2008

Hello again,

First of all thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post, I appreciate it!! I totally understand what you mean about the fact that the child is priority and I have no issue at all with that. I dated a single parent before and we got on great he has his girl at weekends and we all got on great together. However this guy I am dating has only his child at weekends he is flexible during the week but it seems that he is only available once during the week. I appreciate at times work is tiring and the fact that he doesn't live in the same county doesn't help but he works in Dublin during the week and I live in Dublin. I guess I am wondering when or if he is ever thinking of introducing me to his child. He talks to me about him but it never comes up in conversation and I feel that it is his place to suggest me meeting his child not mine as I don't want to put him under pressure neither. He is a lovely guy and I don't want to mess things up but don't want either to not be able to spend weekends together as I said he is only free one Saturday a month practically.

Thanks again for your replies.

orca2008

I meant to say that communication is a major factor but sometimes I am hesitant to really say how I feel in case I don't get the reaction I am looking for and I will just have to be direct I guess and splurt it out!

orca2008

Banie, may I ask how long it was before you introduced your GF to your son?

Thanks.

m'lady

I don't think the issue is about him having a child OP it's about him only being available once during the week,no?

orca2008

Yes that is true alright, I am willing to compromise on the weekends if I saw him more than once a week to be honest. But I would like to think that we could spend weekends together also in the future eventually. I just really have to ask him what type of relationship he is looking for, its a bit casual for me at the moment. He is going on two holidays in the next few months and that seems no problem for him. However these were booked before he met me. Maybe things will change I don't know.

m'lady

orca2008 wrote: »

Yes that is true alright, I am willing to compromise on the weekends if I saw him more than once a week to be honest. But I would like to think that we could spend weekends together also in the future eventually. I just really have to ask him what type of relationship he is looking for, its a bit casual for me at the moment. He is going on two holidays in the next few months and that seems no problem for him. However these were booked before he met me. Maybe things will change I don't know.

Being honest I would be a bit miffed if I was in the same county during the week as the guy I was seeing and he only made the effort to see me once? Have you been to his place Orca?

orca2008

No he never invited me to his place which I think is a bit strange too, he seems to be keeping parts of his life separate that is why I feel unsettled about the whole thing. He doesn't live in the same county as his son neither. So there should be no issue with him inviting me down to his place, maybe he has someone else...thanks for your replies M'lady,.

banie01

The amount of time before I introduced my gf to my son is irrelevant really.
But that said I knew her for @10yrs before we got involved and it was still over 6mths before I introduced them.
I personally wouldn't entertain the notion of introducing anyone to him after 4months of not even once a week contact.
At that stage I would still be very much in the getting to know someone stage.
Your issue seems more to be that you see him @once a week and that it revolves around him and his availability or his lack thereof.

orca2008

Yes I think for the moment if we could even see each other twice a week I would feel happier but I don't see that happening as I suggested meeting twice one week and he said that he was tired could only make the one day.....

m'lady

No problem Orca.. It's a bit strange that he hasn't invited you to his place, has he given you any reason why he hasn't? And when you do see him what do you guys do? As in do u be out and about?

banie01

To be frank the issue here has nothing at all really to do with him being a single parent.
And if I'm honest I wouldnt classify him as that,
more as a part-time parent really.(not that, that role is any less important)
To my mind a single parent covers the primary care-giver/custodian, the one who picks up the majority of the mammy/daddy donkey work.
The person who's days are planned around kid collections, childcare, homework, doing more laundry than can be imagined and chasing any free time they can find between the child and work to try and stay on top of things, personally and professionally.
Not the person(who while still doing a vital job and Fairplay to him for stating involved!)
who sweeps in 1 or 2 days a week.

The issue with him not making time for you during the week is an example of this.
He is in Dublin, yes he might be tired from work but its not too much to ask that even a couple of hours are spared to see you?
Even if its just to plonk on the couch and talk rather than a "date".
The fact he won't do this has nothing to do with his parental status and more to do with him not actually being bothered to make an effort where you are concerned.
Yes his weekends are spoken for but even on the occassions where he is free and available(even if tired from work) his not making an effort.

Thats nothing at all to do with his parental status and a lot more to do with how he views you and what he sees this relationship as.

orca2008

No he hasn't m'lady, when we meet up we do stuff together sports, cinema, walks, we always do something interesting. I cook for him sometimes and he brings me to dinner, lunch, he is generous. I think the fact that he lives in another county maybe is the reason he doesn't invite me down, I never asked him why and don't like inviting myself to his place neither. He could be living a total separate life down there for all I know, that is why I feel there is a wall there between us, I don't see where he lives, his friends etc....

m'lady

Have to agree with you-he could be living a different life down there- is he available when he is at home? As in do you both speak on the phone much at night etc?

orca2008

Thanks for that Banie. It seems I am more into this relationship than he is. I am meeting him tomorrow afternoon for a while as I have something on in the evening so we will spend a few hours together anyway. I suggested him coming to stay this evening but he said that he would be tired out after having his son for the day. For me tiredness wouldn't get in the way if I really wanted to see someone. Maybe he has someone else....

clairefontaine

There could be any reasons for it but what matters is its not enough for you.

Maybe he doesn't want it enough or he is hiding behind his son because he doesn't want to get involved too deeply with anyone, and that could be for any number of reasons.

December2012

It could be that he's not going to get into the relationship this soon because he's been through a difficult break up. No matter how amicable things are, breaking up with your partner and not living with your child is tough.

orca2008

Hi M'lady, he does call about once or twice in the week, he sends a lot of texts. When he has his son there isn't much contact and he might have his son for three days and he would never call me during that time and the texts would be less as well. When I met him he asked me what I was looking for and I told him I wanted a relationship and he said that is what he wanted too so I guess the only way I can sort this out is by having it out with him. I just don't want to be wasting my time on something that has no future and I am feeling it is going that way at the moment as I am just going by his schedule and feel he could make more effort. He is on his own for the full week most weeks so I just don't understand it.

Chara1001

Yeh i agree, there could be any number of innocent reasons.
It does seem that its not a single parent issue.

You guys don't seem to talk very well, and you say you don't like bringing certain things up with him, maybe you should start doing that and see what happens?

Just read your reply, no its not good to have things solely on his terms and schedule. I think you should talk honestly and take it from there

orca2008

Hi December / Claire, yes maybe he is a lot slower to get into a relationship, the last one he had lasted for about nine months. But he knows how I feel about things so he seems a nice guy and I would hope he wouldn't mess me about.

orca2008

Hi Chara, yes that is true there is no communication much on that front, I feel so uncomfortable bringing up this issue but it has come to a stage where it is starting to get to me and I will have to mention say it. Whatever the outcome will be!!

m'lady

orca2008 wrote: »

Hi M'lady, he does call about once or twice in the week, he sends a lot of texts. When he has his son there isn't much contact and he might have his son for three days and he would never call me during that time and the texts would be less as well. When I met him he asked me what I was looking for and I told him I wanted a relationship and he said that is what he wanted too so I guess the only way I can sort this out is by having it out with him. I just don't want to be wasting my time on something that has no future and I am feeling it is going that way at the moment as I am just going by his schedule and feel he could make more effort. He is on his own for the full week most weeks so I just don't understand it.

The one/two calls a week but plenty of texts would be a red light to me- texts are very easily sent regardless of who he may be sitting beside, then again maybe he doesn't like talking on the phone too much?

This is all on his terms, and it's very unfair on you- you both need to talk openly and honestly. Four months really isn't long relationship wise in the grand scheme of things in regard to introducing his child but it IS in regards to him making an effort with you.
Please don't be hurt when I ask you this- but could he be looking at you as a friends with benefits situation?

orca2008

Hi M'lady, thanks again for the reply. Yes it is on his schedule because of his son, I have a few things on during the week when I am busy but I could manage twice a week and of course the weekend. I am going to chat with him today but not sure really what way to go about it as I will get all flustered!! I don't take offence at all about what you said about friends with benefits, you wouldn't know but then again, nothing surprises me these days, I just cant help thinking that maybe he has someone else as I never see where he lives or anything. He just calls to me and we do things together. I haven't mentioned him to my friends yet as again I am not sure where I am with him. Regarding the calls yes its a difficult one, he rang me last night however but it seems to be early in the evening around 8pm all the time.

m'lady

orca2008 wrote: »

Hi M'lady, thanks again for the reply. Yes it is on his schedule because of his son, I have a few things on during the week when I am busy but I could manage twice a week and of course the weekend. I am going to chat with him today but not sure really what way to go about it as I will get all flustered!! I don't take offence at all about what you said about friends with benefits, you wouldn't know but then again, nothing surprises me these days, I just cant help thinking that maybe he has someone else as I never see where he lives or anything. He just calls to me and we do things together. I haven't mentioned him to my friends yet as again I am not sure where I am with him. Regarding the calls yes its a difficult one, he rang me last night however but it seems to be early in the evening around 8pm all the time.

The fact that its around the same time all the time would again be worrying.. Has he said who he lives with?