Dating: Do You Make The First Move?

Blush_01

Hey everyone! Long time no post from me, hope you're all keeping well!!

This has come up so often in the last week that I wanted to gauge general consensus from the loveliest ladies on Boards.

Would you ask someone out? Do you think it's more about circumstance and opportunity than who makes the first move?

Having discussed it with a friend, she's adamant that she'd never make the first move, regardless of how much she liked someone, however I don't necessarily agree. I figure if you're interested enough in someone you should be willing to put yourself on the line a bit and ask them out. Why risk missing out on something great because you can't get the courage together to take a leap of faith?

Any thoughts?

Chattastrophe!

Personally I would have no problem with making the first move, and have often done so in the past. If I want something, I'm not going to sit around waiting, I'll do what I have to do to get it!

Having said that, while I've no problem with making the first move, I'm not going to be the one making ALL the moves. I was with a really shy guy before; while he insisted he was really into me, I found I was the one initiating everything. I know it was just down to shyness and inexperience, but still, it wasn't for me, so I had to end it.

fermanagh_man

I'd be delighted to go out with you

Blush_01

fermanagh_man wrote: »

I'd be delighted to go out with you

Damn, am I that transparent?

I have made the first move before, find it hard to understand people who insist they'd never do it and hide behind "but it's traditional"

Blush_01

bluewolf wrote: »

I have made the first move before, find it hard to understand people who insist they'd never do it and hide behind "but it's traditional"

I feel the same. If you're genuinely interested in someone then letting ancient societal norms dictate your interactions is ridiculous.

I maintain that if you're interested enough you'll be able to find a way around your nerves and put yourself out there for someone worth taking a chance on. Worst they can say is no.

Ole Rodrigo

This discussion came up on another forum. As a guy, I prefer to make the first move. Not that is easy to do so, most of the time its not. If she lets me know its ok to do so, it should be ok from there. The problem is picking up those signs, especially if you're nervous !

I dated a girl recently who literally throw the gob from half way across the room. I wasn't sure at the time if I enjoyed it or not, although I was grateful and appreciated the gesture. Then again if a car lets me pull into a lane I feel the same !

I guess its subjective. Personally I'm a fan of the celebrating the differences between the sexes, and our inclinations. Trying to erode those differences for the sake of some notion of equality..is often not very exciting. Thats not in any way to excuse laziness on the part of a woman, or boorish behaviour by the guy. Tradition shouldn't be accepted blindly, but its often there for good reason..and not necessarily a sign of backward behaviour. I think thats compatible with feminism. But if you're not into it let him know before he makes a fool of himself

Blush_01

ror_74 wrote: »

This discussion came up on another forum. As a guy, I prefer to make the first move. Not that is easy to do so, most of the time its not. If she lets me know its ok to do so, it should be ok from there. The problem is picking up those signs, especially if you're nervous !

I dated a girl recently who literally throw the gob from half way across the room. I wasn't sure at the time if I enjoyed it or not, although I was grateful and appreciated the gesture. Then again if a car lets me pull into a lane I feel the same !

I guess its subjective. Personally I'm a fan of the celebrating the differences between the sexes, and our inclinations. Trying to erode those differences for the sake of some notion of equality..is often not very exciting. Thats not in any way to excuse laziness on the part of a woman, or boorish behaviour by the guy. Tradition shouldn't be accepted blindly, but its often there for good reason..and not necessarily a sign of backward behaviour. I think thats compatible with feminism. But if you're not into it let him know before he makes a fool of himself

It's not about feminism -v- equality though! I know someone who is very interested in a guy, he has made some moves but she can come across as being a bit aloof, and I think he's intimidated at this stage.

Part of me wants her to ask him out so she shuts up talking about him because, much as I love her, she's trying my patience with constant talk of how great he is, but she won't, under any circumstance, even ask him to the cinema, or out for a drink, or anything noncommittal like that, because apparently 'that's not how it works'.

I think men and women have different strengths and that's what makes both sexes great in their own way, but I also think if he was a job, she'd at least send in her CV, rather than talking about it and doing nothing. Possibly the wrong analogy to use but if you have enough interest to wither your friends with how great someone is, then you're interested enough to say something.

In same sex relationships someone has to make the first move, so why are hetero relationships stymied by who has what genitalia?

Ole Rodrigo

Blush_01 wrote: »

It's not about feminism -v- equality though! I know someone who is very interested in a guy, he has made some moves but she can come across as being a bit aloof, and I think he's intimidated at this stage.

Part of me wants her to ask him out so she shuts up talking about him because, much as I love her, she's trying my patience with constant talk of how great he is, but she won't, under any circumstance, even ask him to the cinema, or out for a drink, or anything noncommittal like that, because apparently 'that's not how it works'.

I think men and women have different strengths and that's what makes both sexes great in their own way, but I also think if he was a job, she'd at least send in her CV, rather than talking about it and doing nothing. Possibly the wrong analogy to use but if you have enough interest to wither your friends with how great someone is, then you're interested enough to say something.

In same sex relationships someone has to make the first move, so why are hetero relationships stymied by who has what genitalia?

Because , generally speaking - and I mean generally - it works best. The guy feels like he has accomplished something and the girl has her own rewards when the man takes the lead. Maybe your friend just needs to let him know, directly or indirectly, a bit more assertively ? Or not...life is full of could have beens.

I don't know, just saying what Ive found works best. And thats from my understanding of a womans perspective as well.

Jaysus, it's not about "notions of equality", as I said, I just don't understand how someone would sit back and refuse to make any effort and seem aloof and call it "traditional". We're all adults, like.
It's not about "how dare he ask me out"

If you prefer making the first move all the time, well grand, that's what suits you

Ole Rodrigo

bluewolf wrote: »

Jaysus, it's not about "notions of equality", as I said, I just don't understand how someone would sit back and refuse to make any effort and seem aloof and call it "traditional". We're all adults, like.
It's not about "how dare he ask me out"

If you prefer making the first move all the time, well grand, that's what suits you

Sounds to me like both of them are just not assertive enough when at least one of them needs to be.

In this case the guy should, if you'll excuse my language, grow a pair and take the initiative. Or live a life full of bittersweet regrets like most of us do anyway

smooshmonster

ror_74 wrote: »

Sounds to me like both of them are just not assertive enough when at least one of them needs to be.

In this case the guy should, if you'll excuse my language, grow a pair and take the initiative. Or live a life of full of bittersweet regrets like most of us do anyway

Or she should grow a pair and take the initiative.

For me it's a half'n'half thing. About half of the men I've dated have asked me out. It's nice to feel pursued sometimes, but I also know I'm missing out on a lot of potentially good dates if I don't do the asking myself. It could be the man is interested, but shy or just hasn't thought of me in that way yet. And if he is intimidated by me asking him out, then that's no loss for me. Who wants to date a man who's intimidating by a woman with a spine?

pharmaton

I hate the chase thing, I find women who want to be chased insufferable and tire of it easily. If two people are otherwise enjoying each others company it shouldn't be a big deal for either one of them to suggest taking it further.

Mr. Incognito

As a guy I would be delighted if a girl asked me out.

Most women don't have the guts and hide behind traditional value etc. It's a generational thing. Younger women seem more inclined to ask a guy out but women outnumber men in Dublin so behaviour will adjust when the girls that do are with the men they asked and those that don't are whinging.

Ole Rodrigo

smooshmonster wrote: »

Or she should grow a pair and take the initiative.

For me it's a half'n'half thing. About half of the men I've dated have asked me out. It's nice to feel pursued sometimes, but I also know I'm missing out on a lot of potentially good dates if I don't do the asking myself. It could be the man is interested, but shy or just hasn't thought of me in that way yet. And if he is intimidated by me asking him out, then that's no loss for me. Who wants to date a man who's intimidating by a woman with a spine?

Yeah, thats fair enough.

Of course I've asked someone out - if you're interested, then how's he supposed to "know"?

iwantmydinner

Tlachtga wrote: »

Personally I would have no problem with making the first move, and have often done so in the past. If I want something, I'm not going to sit around waiting, I'll do what I have to do to get it!

Having said that, while I've no problem with making the first move, I'm not going to be the one making ALL the moves.

This quote sums it up perfectly for me, especially the bit in bold.

I'm a feminist, but that has nothing to do with this scenario. It's not about "notions of equality" (:rolleyes:) either... And some traditions really are a total load of hogwash and should be treated as such.

It's just about making things happen for yourself, rather than hoping someone can read your mind and waiting for them to make the move. That idea is beyond ridiculous to me.

beks101

Last time I did it led to quite an horrific relationship with a guy who was happy to let me take the initiative again and again, with repeated asking out, bar/pub/restaurant choice, day and date etc all permanently being left up to me.

Not great. So since then I'll signal my interest in an obvious way but wait to see if my feelings are reciprocated and if he'll take the bull by the horns. Maybe that's too "traditional" of me, but better than ending up in another painstaking relationship with a guy who's really only lukewarm about me but enjoying the novelty of not having to do any of the "work"

sassyj

Sounds like he was just an assh#le, nothing to do with you making the first move. In this day and age, I find it incredible that women would not ask someone out who they were interested in. I also see women going out on dates with guys, having a good time, but still waiting for the guy to make contact afterwards to suggest another date. I find it quite immature, I just couldn't be that passive about things. Relationships are partnerships for me.

Sleepy

My wife made the first move.

Always preferred women who did tbh, it tended to be a good signal of a partner who wasn't inclined to respond to any question with some variation of "let's do whatever you want".

Honey-ec

I'm more than happy to make the first move. What's to be gained by waiting and wondering whether he has any idea that you like him? The worst he can do is say no, like. And, to be frank, the kind of guy who'd be put off by a woman doing the asking is not someone I'm likely to be compatible with anyway, so if he says no and that's his reason, it's a win-win situation, really.

Scarinae

I don't mind making the first move, I've done it several times, including with my current boyfriend

clairefontaine

I suspect if women were more active in making first moves, they'd learn to put themselves out there, take risks, and cope with rejection. It would be a healthy rehearsal for what to do in their careers too. I've often wondered if traditional courtship rituals are what inhibit women in the professional realm, because there is behavioural carry over.

Who who makes the first phone call after the first date?

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

beks101 wrote: »

Last time I did it led to quite an horrific relationship with a guy who was happy to let me take the initiative again and again, with repeated asking out, bar/pub/restaurant choice, day and date etc all permanently being left up to me.

Not great. So since then I'll signal my interest in an obvious way but wait to see if my feelings are reciprocated and if he'll take the bull by the horns. Maybe that's too "traditional" of me, but better than ending up in another painstaking relationship with a guy who's really only lukewarm about me but enjoying the novelty of not having to do any of the "work"

I think there's a slight difference between making the first move and all the moves. Many guys (me) find it hard to see if a girl is interested initially, or to initiate a first kiss and so on. To me that's the tricky part.

Once you've been with the person things are then different (IMHO) as the does she like me/would she go out with me/sexual tension is all but dissipated, at least it should be.

When there is some level of 'relationship' there (as in not strangers/more than friends) then it is up to both parties to participate relatively equally in progressing things, if all the moves are only initiated by one side then a proper healthy relationship will be hard grow out from it.

Obliq

Scarinae wrote: »

I don't mind making the first move, I've done it several times, including with my current boyfriend

Me too - frightened the life out of him Best relationship ever though.....he was so worth the risk - and it was some risk...he took a bit of getting, not having been in a serious relationship for a long time.

Ambersky

Ive had quite a bit of experience on both sides of this scenario. Ive made the first move and have had other women make the first move.
I dont think its so much a personality thing with me, as in my personality enables me to ask someone out or wont let me ask someone out, it depends on the circumstances.
Often there is this kind of tension about whether this is a friendship or a romantic or sexual interest during the beginning stages of many of my relationships particularly with other lesbians and then its a case of who says what or does what, it evolves.
I really like the fact that with the relationships I have been involved in, there are no socially prescribed roles for each person to fall into. As in there is no man doing the mans thing and no woman is doing the woman's thing, like waiting to be asked out etc. I wouldn't like that. Fine if some things evolve around who does what the best or simply likes doing something, but that's it. Actually even then I think I would want to maintain a general ability to do all tasks myself and not have one person the expert on an area, with the other person unable to do that task if the relationship ended. Nope dont like this roles thing.

kylith

I have asked men out in the past, and I'd do it again. Sure, it's nerve racking and he might say no, but if you don't ask the question you never get the answer.

Blush_01 wrote: »

Part of me wants her to ask him out so she shuts up talking about him because, much as I love her, she's trying my patience with constant talk of how great he is, but she won't, under any circumstance, even ask him to the cinema, or out for a drink, or anything noncommittal like that, because apparently 'that's not how it works'.

Jaysus, that'd have me telling her to either ask him out or shut up about him. There's little worse than listening to someone moon over a boy for hours on end. Remind her she's not 15 any more, and that 'how it works' isn't how it works any more; if she keeps waiting for men to ask her out she'll be waiting until kingdom come.

Pretty Polly

These days im trying to live by the motto...'I prefer to regret the things I do over the things I don't '.

Up until very recently I had never asked a guy out, I had always expected him to make the first move. I think im at the stage in my life (at the ripe old age of 24), where I think I should just go for it, life is short enough without wasting time thinking about whether I should or shouldn't ask a guy out.

Don't get me wrong, I would consider myself to be very traditional but I think its good to take a few risks and put yourself out there every now and again.

cson

Honey-ec wrote: »

I'm more than happy to make the first move. What's to be gained by waiting and wondering whether he has any idea that you like him? The worst he can do is say no, like. And, to be frank, the kind of guy who'd be put off by a woman doing the asking is not someone I'm likely to be compatible with anyway, so if he says no and that's his reason, it's a win-win situation, really.

That'd be my attitude too. Worst case scenario someone says no and you're in exactly the same position you'd be in if you'd said/done nothing. That goes for almost anything in life; if you don't ask you won't get.

sunflower27

God, definitely make the first move.

I joined a dating site on Tuesday as I have worked through a load of stuff and am finally ready to meet someone.

A guy messaged me and he is absolutely gorgeous. We swapped numbers, text for a day and I called him last night. he is an absolute gent and hilarious. I asked if he is free Saturday and he said he will make sure he is So we are heading out Saturday night.

You don't ask, you don't get - and I don't want someone else snapping this one up

Edit: 5 years younger, former chef and 6 foot of Phwooooar! Sorry, just had to brag.

Obliq

sunflower27 wrote: »

Edit: 5 years younger, former chef and 6 foot of Phwooooar! Sorry, just had to brag.

Nicely done madam Enjoy!