boyfriends ex contacting him

Aeternum

I have been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. Recently his ex-girlfriend has started getting in contact with him through facebook and texts. They broke up last September and she had been seeing someone else until recently.

At first he ignored her messages, but I encouraged him to respond as it seemed like she just wanted a catch up (the messages were along the lines of 'how are you? Hows your summer going? ').

Tonight she text him again, this time referring to our relationship status on facebook which we just recently posted. She wished him the best and he decided to text back to thank her.

Soon enough, she started asking why they don't talk anymore and going on about how much she misses him. I felt quite uncomfortable about this as I found it rude for her to go on about how much she misses him when she knows he is with another person.

We are wondering what ways could he let her down without causing a fuss, he doesn't want to fight with her but he also doesn't want to be friends with her. He has tried letting her down easily before by explaining that they both have moved on with their lives but it resulted in Hey getting very mad at him.

Any advice?

ToxicPaddy

If she is getting mad it sounds like she wants to keep the lines of communication open just in case there is a chance for them in the future.

My approach would be cruel to be kind I'm afraid. Tell her that unfortunately he's not willing to continue in contact if she starts talking like that.

Best to move on and leave things be. If she gets mad again, the so be it and use it as the excuse to cut ties.

Block her on Facebook and change number too. That will also help.

jellyboy

Hi op

its a bit like shutting the door after the horse has bolted
you have encouraged this and now don't want it

is it bringing up fears,insecurities,etc etc

Maybe she wants more?

You say we? but its you looking for advice..

somthing along the lines of

"hey great catching up with you,lets check in with each other in a few months,you never know in a few years time we could have a coffee"

and explain that energy goes towards you now?

Aeternum

Thanks for your replies. I don't find it's bringing up insecurities, as we are both very happy in our relationship and I know he has no feelings for her.


Today she text again saying that she was in the area and would like to meet up. He decided he is just going to ignore her messages from now on, but I wish there was a nicer way of doing things.

Forever Hopeful

Aeternum wrote: »

. He decided he is just going to ignore her messages from now on, but I wish there was a nicer way of doing things.

Em why? Jesus there are posters on here giving out about their partners not having the balls to cut their exes off...
Her feelings are not your responsibility so be thankful you have a boyfriend who puts your feelings before his exes.

Aeternum

Of course I'm grateful he's putting me first but I wouldn't like to be in her position is all, but then again I wouldn't get myself into her position haha.

Forever Hopeful

Aeternum wrote: »

Of course I'm grateful he's putting me first but I wouldn't like to be in her position is all, but then again I wouldn't get myself into her position haha.

You are being a bit smug love. Not nice. Give the poor girl a break.

Aeternum

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

You are being a bit smug love. Not nice. Give the poor girl a break.

I wouldn't call it smug to be proud of the fact that I wouldn't go after someone who's taken. I did give the girl a break, I encouraged him to respond to her messages as I did not know her and didn't see why he was ignoring her. Now I do.

Forever Hopeful

You are with him a few months... We'll see...

You said you now understand why he isn't responding but yet you said you wanted him to cut contact 'in a nicer way'.
That's contradictory. Sounds like the problem is resolved now don't you think?

Aeternum

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

You are with him a few months... We'll see...

You said you now understand why he isn't responding but yet you said you wanted him to cut contact 'in a nicer way'.
That's contradictory. Sounds like the problem is resolved now don't you think?

I'm with him longer than she was with him so I don't understand why the length of our relationship has any relevance...

Fair enough the problem is resolved. I was simply looking for other people's experiences in this position. I'm lucky enough to be on good terms with any of my ex's and would rather they had the same thing.

Forever Hopeful

Aeternum wrote: »

I'm with him longer than she was with him so I don't understand why the length of our relationship has any relevance...

Fair enough the problem is resolved. I was simply looking for other people's experiences in this position. I'm lucky enough to be on good terms with any of my ex's and would rather they had the same thing.

Well it bothered you enough that you posted on a public forum AND the fact you now mentioned that you were with him longer than her (even if its only a few months) is quite telling.
You are not secure in your relationship and think she might still have an 'in'.
However in your mind its resolved as your bf has cut contact so no more problem.
Be honest with yourself as its very obvious.

MagicMarker

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Be honest with yourself as its very obvious.

To you maybe. Someone who's feeling insecure in their relationship doesn't encourage their other half to keep in contact with an ex.

OP, unfortunately you have to be cruel to be kind. Your BF needs to cut this girl out of his life, for her sake as much as anything. Being friendly with her is only giving her false hope.

Aeternum

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Well it bothered you enough that you posted on a public forum AND the fact you now mentioned that you were with him longer than her (even if its only a few months) is quite telling.
You are not secure in your relationship and think she might still have an 'in'.
However in your mind its resolved as your bf has cut contact so no more problem.
Be honest with yourself as its very obvious.

I don't agree with what you're saying at all. I posted to find out how he could let her down, I didnt ask for any advice over how I felt about this situation. I'm incredibly secure in this relationship. I have known him for years and he just moved back home this year.

I mentioned I've been with him longer than she was because you made reference to the length of our relationship and I assumed you thought we were not as serious as they were. I apologize if I misread that.

I didn't ask him to cut contact with her and I never would, it would not bother me if they were in contact. What bothers me is her obviously trying to get back into his life in a more serious way. Both me, and him, were simply wondering what ways he could let her know that there is not a chance of a reconciliation.

Forever Hopeful

Aeternum wrote: »

I didn't ask him to cut contact with her and I never would, it would not bother me if they were in contact. What bothers me is her obviously trying to get back into his life in a more serious way. Both me, and him, were simply wondering what ways he could let her know that there is not a chance of a reconciliation.

If that is your genuine sentiment then fair play. Your bf has chosen the right way which is no contact. You then said you'd like you and him to be a bit 'nicer' about it which isn't possible. He needs to cruel to be kind. OK? You get that don't you?

My issue with all this is that why would you even care... then you came across as being a bit smug when you are with the guy a few months and not years so who knows if you pair will work out and he could potentially end up back with her.

Forever Hopeful

MagicMarker wrote: »

To you maybe. Someone who's feeling insecure in their relationship doesn't encourage their other half to keep in contact with an ex.

OP, unfortunately you have to be cruel to be kind. Your BF needs to cut this girl out of his life, for her sake as much as anything. Being friendly with her is only giving her false hope.

I think you are missing the jist... He has been cruel to be kind but the op wants "THEM" to be "NICER" about cutting contact but also that she would never lower herself to keep her hopes up for an ex who has been with his current gf 'a few months'.

Aeternum

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

If that is your genuine sentiment then fair play. Your bf has chosen the right way which is no contact. You then said you'd like you and him to be a bit 'nicer' about it which isn't possible. He needs to cruel to be kind. OK? You get that don't you?.

I do get it now. I did feel it was a bit cruel, but i suppose that's better than giving her false hope or encouragement. Thanks for your advice. :-)

Aeternum

MagicMarker wrote: »

To you maybe. Someone who's feeling insecure in their relationship doesn't encourage their other half to keep in contact with an ex.

OP, unfortunately you have to be cruel to be kind. Your BF needs to cut this girl out of his life, for her sake as much as anything. Being friendly with her is only giving her false hope.

Thank you that's exactly what I've realised.

Forever Hopeful

As long as you keep the head and not be smug or insecure, you'll do fine.
Your relationship is new so don't get ahead of yourself.

LegacyUser

He needs to be honest with her, simple as that.

I had to have the stop contacting 'chat' with an ex gf last year.

She was young when we dated and our breakup was messy but she was my first love, none the less I asked her numerous times to stop contacting throughout the years (broke up 5 years ago) and get on with her life. She would agree and then a few months later same crap.

Anyway, last time it happened she was after breaking up with her boyfriend, I knew exactly what she was at and thought her contact wouldn't last long and she would get bored and move on, it didn't..

I had to be completely honest with her, told her she was an amazing girl (which she is) but we are both in different places in our lives and keeping in contact would not be fair to either of our current or future partners.

She replied almost immediately thanking me for my honesty and wishing me the best.

Then literally 2 min after her reply she sent another email fcuking me out of it (no lie), calling me an a$$hole etc...

I replied to neither. Three months later another message from her (although it was one that did not require a reply) nor did she get one.

I haven't heard anything since (nearly a year).

Sorry for the rant, but the moral of the story is your boyfriend has to be cruel to be kind if he truly wants her to stop contacting.

December2012

Why can you be friendly with your exes but he can't?

Ballfro

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

As long as you keep the head and not be smug or insecure, you'll do fine.
Your relationship is new so don't get ahead of yourself.

Could you be any more condescending? This is for advice not nasty, snipey little comments like yours.

OP I've been in your position and being nice about it will only give her false hope. Be straightto the point without being nasty and ignore her texts etc. She'll soon get the point.

Taltos

Forever Hopeful - thanks for your advice on this thread, but in the interests of allowing advice from other quarters please don't post again here. Can I also suggest you read our charter, if you cannot give civil constructive advice we ask posters not to post, telling the OP they are smug is not on.

Ballfro - welcome to PI, similarly please have a quick look at our charter, backseat modding isn't welcome.

Thanks
Taltos

CommanderC

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

As long as you keep the head and not be smug or insecure, you'll do fine.
Your relationship is new so don't get ahead of yourself.

ALL of your posts come across as smug and insecure. You seem to have some kind of issue with the OP in this thread, but I cannot figure out why.

OP it sounds like your bf is doing the right thing here and you not wanting to rub the ex's face in it or to be bitchy to her is very admirable. If your bf sends a simple text saying that he doesn't want to meet up/have regular contact with this girl then that's not cruel, that's just being honest.

Good luck

Czarcasm

OP I may be way off here, but would it be a possible suggestion perhaps the three of you going for coffee or a few drinks?

I just wonder (now obviously you can read the situation better because you're in it and you know your boyfriend and this girl better than anyone here) are you and your boyfriend reading a bit too much between the lines and thinking this girl actually wants him back just because she gets a bit nostalgic?

I've met a few of my wife's ex's (I knew one guy before she ever went out with him, he was an ass then, he's still an ass, oh and her best friends brother, he's an ass too but she thinks she has to be friendly to him for her friends sake. He's just harmless though) but most of her ex's were sound out, and we often meet them when we're back in her home town and there's a bit of a nostalgic slagging goes on but it's all good humored.

Myself I wouldn't have as many ex's but I have mostly female friends, and I keep in contact with most of them even though some of them are half way round the world (skype is great, I can't stand facebook at all), and then I'd have friends who I'd often go for dinner or drinks with, etc. My wife will join us sometimes, but more times she feels like she just has nothing in common with my friends so she prefers to do her own thing with her own friends.

If it's a thing where your boyfriend actually really doesn't want this girl in his life any more, then there's no "nice" way to pussyfoot around the issue and just cut off contact and get on with your lives.

Aeternum

unreg999 wrote: »

I had to be completely honest with her, told her she was an amazing girl (which she is) but we are both in different places in our lives and keeping in contact would not be fair to either of our current or future partners.

She replied almost immediately thanking me for my honesty and wishing me the best.

Then literally 2 min after her reply she sent another email fcuking me out of it (no lie), calling me an a$$hole etc...

I replied to neither. Three months later another message from her (although it was one that did not require a reply) nor did she get one.

I haven't heard anything since (nearly a year).

Sorry for the rant, but the moral of the story is your boyfriend has to be cruel to be kind if he truly wants her to stop contacting.

Thanks for sharing your experience

That's quite similar to how she has been behaving. He tried explaining that they were in different places in their lives before, when she invited him to a party and he politely declined. She immediately flew off the handle at him and he had not heard from her for a few months after that. Now, the only thing he can do is ignore her I suppose.:rolleyes:

December2012 wrote: »

Why can you be friendly with your exes but he can't?

I have no problem with him being friendly with his exes at all, he doesn't want to be friendly with her though. I never told him he wasn't allowed or anything I initially encouraged it

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I may be way off here, but would it be a possible suggestion perhaps the three of you going for coffee or a few drinks?

I just wonder (now obviously you can read the situation better because you're in it and you know your boyfriend and this girl better than anyone here) are you and your boyfriend reading a bit too much between the lines and thinking this girl actually wants him back just because she gets a bit nostalgic?

If it's a thing where your boyfriend actually really doesn't want this girl in his life any more, then there's no "nice" way to pussyfoot around the issue and just cut off contact and get on with your lives.

I would have tried this but at the moment he doesn't seem to want to contact her at all or try to make things more civil. I think he has gotten to the point where he simply wants to be done with her, he's sick of her 'immature' ways (from him, not me). Cutting off contact is the only option for him it seems.

As for reading too much between the lines, it's possible I suppose. I don't know the girl well enough to judge but going by the tone of her messages and my BF's opinion shes trying to get herself back into his life in some way. She has asked him whether he misses her several times and told him that she really misses him and wishes they could change that :P

Thanks for your input

Czarcasm

Aeternum wrote: »

Thanks for your input

Given all of the above OP it does sound like this girl is trying to manipulate your boyfriend, but I imagine it's more just to get attention for herself than anything malicious. Your boyfriend sounds like a decent guy, too nice for his own good clearly that he can't just drop this girl and she knows it.

He just has to cut contact without feeling like he has to explain himself or be any way nice about it. She'll EVENTUALLY give up and move on herself.

dellas1979

MagicMarker wrote: »

To you maybe. Someone who's feeling insecure in their relationship doesn't encourage their other half to keep in contact with an ex. QUOTE]

I completely disagree with this post.

To me also, the OP does sound insecure. Allowing/encouraging (whatever you want to call it) your partner to contact your ex is a form of control. Well, isnt it better to "know" whats going on than have it done behind closed doors?

Doesnt matter how much the OP here types that she was only trying to be nice or puts smiley faces in her posts. There is an alteriour motive. The expression "Keep your friends close and you enemies closer" springs to mind.

It should be his decision if he wants to contact her. His decision what to say to her, not yours. Youre after opening a tin of worms now that was never yours to open in the first place.

Emme

Aeternum wrote: »

Of course I'm grateful he's putting me first but I wouldn't like to be in her position is all, but then again I wouldn't get myself into her position haha.

The OP sounds smug and maybe she is trying to control her bf and his contact with his ex. This is only a few months into the relationship! Is she afraid that if she tells him not to keep in touch with his he will do the opposite?

From what I can gather, the OP's bf was doing the kindest thing and had cut contact completely with his ex. When she contacted him again he should have told her he was in a relationship, there was no point in any further contact and wished her the best.

I get the impression that the OP is enjoying this girl's suffering and pining for her ex. The OP has the guy now and she is rubbing salt into the girls wound. How would the OP like to be in this position herself a few months down the road? It isn't entirely outside the bounds of possibility. Unfortunately the nicest girls don't always get the guys.

For decency's sake the OP's bf should cut all contact with his ex, delete her from FB and wish her the best.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

I get the impression that the OP is enjoying this girl's suffering and pining for her ex. The OP has the guy now and she is rubbing salt into the girls wound. How would the OP like to be in this position herself a few months down the road? It isn't entirely outside the bounds of possibility. Unfortunately the nicest girls don't always get the guys.

How did you manage to come to that conclusion? you actually sound quite bitter in that you say "unfortunately the nicest girls dont always get the guys". That sounds like you are insinuating that the OP is not the nicest girl and the ex (who might I add IMO does sound like she is trying to weasel her way back into the OP's boyfriends life) is actually a better catch than the OP?!! Unbelievable how some people can take things one way and other people can read things completely differently.

OP I would be firmly in the cruel to be kind camp. The best way forward is for your boyfriend to completely cut contact with this girl, do not reply to any of her texts going forward & hopefully she will get the message soon enough & move on. You say you are only dating this guy a few months but that you are with him longer than she was, if that's the case she should be over him in no time once he cuts contact.

Ickle Magoo

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Emme

guest123456789 wrote: »

How did you manage to come to that conclusion? you actually sound quite bitter in that you say "unfortunately the nicest girls dont always get the guys". That sounds like you are insinuating that the OP is not the nicest girl and the ex (who might I add IMO does sound like she is trying to weasel her way back into the OP's boyfriends life) is actually a better catch than the OP?!! Unbelievable how some people can take things one way and other people can read things completely differently.

OP I would be firmly in the cruel to be kind camp. The best way forward is for your boyfriend to completely cut contact with this girl, do not reply to any of her texts going forward & hopefully she will get the message soon enough & move on. You say you are only dating this guy a few months but that you are with him longer than she was, if that's the case she should be over him in no time once he cuts contact.

If the guy makes it clear to the ex that he is in a relationship now and wants no further contact she should understand that and cut contact.

The OP encouraged the ex to respond to his ex. I suspect that her motives weren't entirely altruistic and she was trying to find out more about the ex so she could protect her own patch.

Now that the ex is keeping up contact the OP may be worried even though she claims not to be.

I think it was really cruel of the OP to encourage her bf to respond to his ex when he had cut contact before.

I also stand over what I said about the nicest girls not always getting the guys. In this case the ex isn't being nice if she's chasing after someone who's attached but the OP isn't nice if she comes out with statements like "Of course I'm grateful he's putting me first but I wouldn't like to be in her position is all, but then again I wouldn't get myself into her position haha"

None of us would like to be in the ex's position haha but those of us with a bit more life experience may have been there and understand how the ex might feel even though it isn't nice to chase after somebody who's taken.

I suspect the OP wouldn't be happy if her bf just cut contact with his ex (the best solution). She might want to confront the ex herself and tell her in no uncertain terms to stay away.

OP, is that what you want us to tell you to do?

LegacyUser

i was going out with a guy for about 2 months and things were great - then at xmas his ex contacted him and he got 'back into the mindset' of being with her and was concerned about her bla bla. Basically I got dumped because she got back in touch. Fair enough he prob wasnt that into me if he dumped me but If she hadnt rang one day crying down the phone because he told her he wanted to move on with his life with me - then who knows what might have happened. Id nip it in the bud if I were you OP.

dellas1979

Yeah-its just a bit odd the way you laughed at the ex's situation, when you are the one who effectively made it. Mocking is catching, as they say. Always nice to do that to make one feel better, till it catches up with you yourself. Just bear that in mind.

All the best.