Curious and Confused

LegacyUser

I've been working with this 35 year old woman for about 6 months now. At first I thought nothing about her -while physically attractive with a pretty face -we just got on with work. I helped her out from time to time and she did likewise.

Then a month ago, a work colleague left and she moved to the desk beside me. She and I enjoyed the banter. I'm considered to be a cold, quiet and deeply personal person. I presumed that she had someone special but noticed that she was keen on inviting the work group out for drinks. I agreed to go with her to a work barbeque about 2 weeks ago. We drunk wine for a couple of hours and chatted together continuously. She opened up to me in a personal and intimate way. In particular she told me that her partner had suddenly walked out on her a few years back, that she found his sudden disappearance without notice and without explanation hard to take. She indicated that she is in financial trouble and that work is very important to her.

She invited me on to further drinks after the work event, however I made my excuses and left. However I felt guilty afterwards and texted to tell her that she was an open, warm and beautiful person.

She knows from work that I have a wife and three wonderful children.

Does she fancy me? I know I shouldn't but I now fancy her. Everyday I have to face her as she sits beside me. We eat lunch together, often just the two of us in the work canteen, and she has subsequently told me more about her x. I've asked her intimate questions such as would she like children and she has openly responded without feeling embarrassed. I'm terrified of making a move as I still have to work with her and I don't want to cause offence or embarrassment. A couple of days ago she mentioned the word date without necessarily contextualising it. At the same time she mentioned that while she is looking for someone she is not interested in attached men and in work colleagues.

Am I in the first stages of having an affair? My wife has noticed a difference in my mood and wonders why I find work so enjoyable!!!

Any advice on options to take?

mrsdewinter

sunflower27 wrote: »

You seem interested in having an affair with this woman. Have you thought beyond the ego boost to what this would do to your marriage and children?

I am not going to tell you 'don't go there', you are old enough to know the consequences of an affair, but if you are enjoying the flirtation simply because someone has ignited a bit of confidence in you, you would be a fool to throw away a happy marriage.

if you are not happy in your marriage, that is another story and maybe you should consider leaving your wife before attempting to cheat on her.

I don't want to burst your bubble, but your post seems to not be about the destruction you could leave behind you, but rather does she fancy you. Only she knows that. It is likely she sees you as a married older guy who she feels is safe to confide in because you pose no threat as you are spoken for.

Like many other women, I'm sure, I've had married men fall for me, but usually they are bored in their marriages, married young and miss what could have been. You sound like you fit into that category and you risk making a fool of yourself hitting on her.

Your choice. I feel sorry for your wife and wonderful children.

Awesome post.
OP, you won't find better advice than this...

ahnow

What a way to hurt your wife and children. Especially your children. Affairs cause hellish long-term damage, and for what? All for your ego. If you want to mess up your children's lives go right ahead, but I have to say, and I wont be the only one to think it, it is a selfish, cliched, egotisitical and pathetic way to carry on.

Merkin

40something iceman wrote: »

At the same time she mentioned that while she is looking for someone she is not interested in attached men and in work colleagues

Most girls aren't. I'd take that as your guide. She is not interested in conducting a relationship with a married man. Most single women find married men that crack on to them sleazy, pathetic and slightly desperate. Don't embarrass yourself or her by cracking on to her.

Green&Red

The whole way u feel is based around the boost ur ego has gotten by the attention u get from her but that thrill owuld only last so long and be replaced by the day-to-day stuff that u go through now with ur wife and kids.
You dont mention being unhappy so dont have ur head turned and ruin your life (and ur wife and kids) for a cheap thrill

LegacyUser

op am i missing something here?

''she mentioned that while she is looking for someone she is not interested in attached men and in work colleagues.''

you're her work colleague and you're married with kids. have some respect for her wishes and don't do anything. maybe she's had to blatently spell out that she's not interested in attached men or work colleagues because she senses you fancy her and doesn't want to put in an awkward position by you?

my advice is admit this is a crush brought on by the ego boost, and walk away.

Idle Passerby

The fact that she point blank told you she doesn't want to get involved with a married man or colleague suggests to me that she is aware you fancy her and is warning you she will never reciprocate. It sounds like she needs a friend and wants no more than friendship from you.

ifElseThen

Maybe you are completely misinterpreting her feelings toward you:
1) "She is not interested in attached men and in work colleagues". You fit the bill on both.
2) "I'm considered to be a cold, quiet and deeply personal person". So is it that people usually leave you be and you haven't experienced this sort of workplace relationship before, so are confusing her intentions? She, from the sounds of it, is an open book and very friendly. Perhaps you're mistaking this friendliness as her being interested in you.

Think of your children, the grass will most definitely not be greener for them on the other side of this.

Don't confuse being a shoulder to unload on with being an object of desire...

m'lady

I personally think she looks upon you as a friend OP.
I genuinely couldn't believe the light hearted way you have posed the question 'Am I in the early stages of an affair?'- seriously you have a wife (whom you said in a carefree way, has noticed a change in your mood, you also have children to consider too. I think this woman has dropped enough hints to let you know she's not interested, so don't be the office sleaze bag and make a move.. Go home and make an effort with your wife and get an ego boost there!

You felt guilty for turning this woman down but have expressed no guilt/remorse towards your wife about considering an affair, I think you need to get your priorities straight.

Side note: Your not her supervisor or anything are you? As I'm thinking if you are she's probably afraid to be too upfront with you for fear of her job being put in jeopardy..

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback.

I made a point of showing her photos of my wife and children on Friday.

I'm not her supervisor and yes I feel like a dick.

I didn't tell you much about my marriage. My wife likes me as a companion and as a provider for our children. We haven't made love in about 4 years. We don't talk in that we don't share our feelings. I'm not allowed to even touch her. This is not what I signed up to. She is a mother and yes our children are important. But who is now more important to her, her children or me?

Then this woman comes along and shares the most intimate of thoughts with me. I feel valued as a person. And yes I'm playing Russian Roulette with my life. But I only have one life.

Its easy to rush to judgement. Its not so easy to come to the realisation that I've made a big mistake, but with three beautiful children. I love my children but I didn't sign up to be celibate after having them. I didn't sign up to be a husband of convenience.

This new lady has similar interests to myself. She has taken home some books I gave her and has obviously read some of them. We discussed it in the office. I'm not sure where she wants to take this. Maybe I'll let her take the initiative, if there is an initiative to take!

Help !!!

Apocalypto Panther

40something iceman wrote: »

Thanks for the feedback.

I made a point of showing her photos of my wife and children on Friday.

I'm not her supervisor and yes I feel like a dick.

I didn't tell you much about my marriage. My wife likes me as a companion and as a provider for our children. We haven't made love in about 4 years. We don't talk in that we don't share our feelings. I'm not allowed to even touch her. This is not what I signed up to. She is a mother and yes our children are important. But who is now more important to her, her children or me?

Then this woman comes along and shares the most intimate of thoughts with me. I feel valued as a person. And yes I'm playing Russian Roulette with my life. But I only have one life.

Its easy to rush to judgement. Its not so easy to come to the realisation that I've made a big mistake, but with three beautiful children. I love my children but I didn't sign up to be celibate after having them. I didn't sign up to be a husband of convenience.

This new lady has similar interests to myself. She has taken home some books I gave her and has obviously read some of them. We discussed it in the office. I'm not sure where she wants to take this. Maybe I'll let her take the initiative, if there is an initiative to take!

Help !!!

Jesus Christ, four years!!.

Tell her you need to sit down and have a talk with her. Ask her why she doesn't want to have sex with you? Ask her is she not attracted to you anymore?

If she doesn't want to work on the sex side of things then I'd honestly have to tell her I'll be looking for sex elsewhere as I can't live like this.

JustAThought

4 years / & not even at Christmas or Birthdays ! -Thats really terrible : ( something is badly wrong there & TBH I wouldn't be downplaying the importance of that. If she's not brought the subject up or you 'ze have never discussed it I'd be making a few calls around to get some guidance on that with professional intervention. A big issue like that that goes on for that long would need a bit if a steer I 'd guess.

How impossible for you : (
Clearly something bothering her there.

& no -NOT to be fixed by f'ing up your work environment & possibly risking loosing your job over -your colleague is being female FRIEND only -she has stated that she DoSNT want a fling with work colleague or married man - this is a girl way of EXPLICITLY saying no IN ADVANCE. She has been explicit - no ambiguity -sexual harassment claim to follow if you cross that line so don't go there. Girls chat & share thoughts & secrets to their friends -you are clearly in this category. Don't mess that up!!

To be helpful ; any "well man " centre should be able suggest someone who may Be able to help with counselling . Awful situation to be in : ( don't let August go by without doing something about it & making an appointment even if just for you to see how you can approach the problem .

Best of luck :0

Merkin

40something iceman wrote: »

Thanks for the feedback.

I made a point of showing her photos of my wife and children on Friday.

I'm not her supervisor and yes I feel like a dick.

I didn't tell you much about my marriage. My wife likes me as a companion and as a provider for our children. We haven't made love in about 4 years. We don't talk in that we don't share our feelings. I'm not allowed to even touch her. This is not what I signed up to. She is a mother and yes our children are important. But who is now more important to her, her children or me?

Then this woman comes along and shares the most intimate of thoughts with me. I feel valued as a person. And yes I'm playing Russian Roulette with my life. But I only have one life.

Its easy to rush to judgement. Its not so easy to come to the realisation that I've made a big mistake, but with three beautiful children. I love my children but I didn't sign up to be celibate after having them. I didn't sign up to be a husband of convenience.

This new lady has similar interests to myself. She has taken home some books I gave her and has obviously read some of them. We discussed it in the office. I'm not sure where she wants to take this. Maybe I'll let her take the initiative, if there is an initiative to take!

Help !!!

You don't seem to have taken on board any of the advice offered.

I'm sorry to be harsh hear my dear but the state of your marriage is incidental. You're still married and until you extricate yourself from the marriage and agree on a separation or divorce from your wife with your wife then you are still married and what you're doing isn't right. The fact that your wife has not had sex with you for four years is a matter between you and your wife and you really should be prioritizing your own future and where to from here rather than trying to involve some innocent girl in this car wreck of a situation.

Also, I'm not sure if it's genuine inexperience or just sheer desperation on your part but you seem to equate this woman bringing home books you lent her as her wanting to get naked with you. You're talking about her taking the initiative. What initiative? In my own experience I've gotten on very well with male colleagues. I sat beside one for years and we loved sharing dance music tracks. I certainly didn't fancy him. Because this girl is engaging you on a personal level and is interested in being your friend you seem to have misconstrued that as the start of some mad, passionate love affair. She has very clearly and explicitly told you that she is not interested but you are clinging on some fantasy here.

Work on starting separation proceedings if that is what you want and leave this girl alone for the time being.

Idle Passerby

Fair enough, your marriage is unhappy and your tempted elsewhere, thats natural. If you want your marriage to be better, work on it. If you want to be with someone else, end your marriage. If you have any respect for this woman at work and you think shes interested, do not try to offer her a role as mistress when she has specifically said thats not what she wants.

LegacyUser

op two things are clear here. the first one is that you're adamant that a simple gesture like borrowing a book or having a conversation of a personal nature means your work colleague is automatically going to sleep with you, and that all you have to do to make that happen is 'take the iniative'. this woman has already gone to the trouble of taking the initiative and spelled out for you in plain english that she's not interested in married men or work colleagues. did you not hear her when she said that?

the second thing that seems clear is that you are laying the SOLE blame for the unhappy state of your marriage on the lack of sex you're getting from your wife. but a marriage takes two people. do you see that?

the way you're lumping your irrational need to pursue this woman at the cost of your marriage because 'your wife won't have sex with you' and completely misreading innocent gestures as come-ons just smacks of immaturity and throwing your teddy out of the pram.

if you love you children why would you not want to work on your marriage? take the initative THERE. get you and your wife to marriage councelling so you can work on the intimacy issue and make a better go it together, or else take the initiative and end it. children tend to grow up happier with two happy parents than with two that are together and miserable. both of those paths are dealing with the problem in a mature, adult way.

dellas1979

well, people look else where when they are in an unhappy relationship/marriage. Thats what you are in, an unhappy marriage.

If you are not happy with the marriage, either stay the same, try to fix it, or walk away, and start afresh. They should be your options right now.

Your colleague is simply a distraction to what is really going on here. Time to face up. Its your life, as you said. So, choose an option.

hoodwinked

Tomfed wrote: »

His wife basically doesn't fancy him anymore. All the marriage counselling in the world won't change that.

doesn't matter, two wrongs do not a right make,

if his wife doesn't love him it doesn't give him the right to go elsewhere behind her back and lie to her,

only a mutual and official separation will do that and starting the path to divorce.

December2012

Tomfed wrote: »

His wife basically doesn't fancy him anymore. All the marriage counselling in the world won't change that.

Yes it can - if she doesn't fancy him because of what he has done, behaviour (cold?)

Go to relationship counselling with your wife and sort this mess out once and for all.

Back off from the colleague, she's not interested - maybe that's an indicator of the bad communication habits you are in?

LegacyUser

i don't think there's any cause or need to speculate on why the op and his wife are no longer intimate, there's a myriad of reasons it could be, and there could be a myriad of things going on in her head but how is the op ever going to find these out and work on them if he himself admits they don't talk to each oother and share their feelings???

and if i was a single woman who made a friend in work and specifically told him that while i was looking for someone i wouldn't be interested in a married man or a work colleague, knowing that the person i'm telling this to is BOTH, and he then went on to ask me out i'd feel uncomfortable, awkward and put upon. it could ruin the atmosphere in the working environment, and ruin the friendship.

the woman in work here is incidental to the unhappiness the op is feeling at home, i get that. but the op should be working on his marriage issues first.

trio

I feel very sorry for this work woman. She gets a new desk, she's friendly to the guy sitting next to her, tells him in no uncertain terms she isn't interested in married men or workmates.....and she's unwittingly being set up as a mistress all the time.

Poor thing.

LegacyUser

i omitted to mention that over the last two weeks this other woman flirted with me. She asked me to touch one of her legs, gave opinions on what type of man she prefers and made some suggestive remarks. Not quite the innocent virgin of old! She was her cheery self giggling and laughing out loud.

However ever since i showed her pictures of my children last Friday evening she has become distant yesterday and today even depressed. She had a boring weekend. Her mood was so low and out of character. Not only has the flirting stopped but she has become irritable with all the work mates. She has lost her cheery self. Being a professional she is putting on a good show. She was pleasant to me and even gave me a lift. However there was a touch of roadrage in her driving.

I complemented her on her appearance and sent her a text to give her a badly needed ego boast. I told her that I was a shouldler to cry on if she wanted to open up in confidence, that she was beautiful and that she should take care of herself. Hopefully she's just in bad form and won't do anything stupid. I'm not sure if I wish to take it any further but that's over to her. She has known that I've been married for months now. Maybe it didn't sink in until she saw the pics.

She's on leave until next week now. Hoping that she will pull herself together.

As for the other half she's not interested in being intimate. Too busy yapping to her lady friends and obsessed with the children to take any interest in me. However she is very loyal. I couldn't conceive her having an affair. I have to be more than a source of easy money.

Still confused. Maybe the other woman expected me to make a move notwithstanding being married and being at work. She lives for work. She met her x at work. I feel guilty for her. Its not easy being alone.

What should i do? I still have to work with her.

Merkin

40something iceman wrote: »

She's on leave until next week now. Hoping that she will pull herself together.

You're the one that needs to pull yourself together.

I don't get why people come on to PI/RI to ask people for advice (and people are kind enough to take time out of their lives to try and help other people) only to flagrantly disregard every piece of sensible advice offered to them. You're not even acknowledging what's being said.

You are clearly deluded. This woman is not interested in you. You are misconstruing a bit of banter as her having the hots for you and now you think she's having some kind of meltdown because she saw a picture of your wife and kids.

Why can't you understand that she might have actually really seriously meant it when she said she would never get involved with a. a work colleague and b. someone who already has a wife? Could she have made it any more clear?

I'm beginning to think that perhaps she is acting weird and distant because you are giving her the creeps tbh. Sorry to be harsh here but I find it so strange that you're being given good advice and then continuing to post like you don't want to hear it and we all need persuading that she's hopelessly in love with you and can't wait to fall into bed with you. It's bizarre in the extreme.

Idle Passerby

Your last post puts you across as very arrogant, Im sorry to say.
Maybe the woman flirted with you a bit, she also bluntly told you she wasn't interested. Flirtation doesn't necessarily translate to "please have an affair with me."

It was very inappropriate to text her telling her shes beautiful. If a male friend was upset would you say "dont worry, you're still an attractive man"? Your taking the friendship too far. Maybe she feels down because she realises you are not actually her friend, your just an unhappily married man using her for an ego boost.

Emme

40something iceman wrote: »

She's on leave until next week now. Hoping that she will pull herself together.

I'm sure she will and in future only engage with you for professional reasons.

40something iceman wrote: »

As for the other half she's not interested in being intimate. Too busy yapping to her lady friends and obsessed with the children to take any interest in me. However she is very loyal. I couldn't conceive her having an affair. I have to be more than a source of easy money.

You couldn't conceive of her having an affair yet you would be happy having an affair yourself. That's very equitable :rolleyes:

40something iceman wrote: »

Still confused. Maybe the other woman expected me to make a move notwithstanding being married and being at work. She lives for work. She met her x at work. I feel guilty for her. Its not easy being alone.

I'm glad you feel guilty for her, you should also feel guilty for your own behavior. I agree that it's not easy being alone, especially when you get hit on by married men who initially hide their status. I suspect that you might not have let her know you were married at first or deliberately misled her because you enjoyed the attention.

40something iceman wrote: »

What should i do? I still have to work with her.

She sounds professional so I wouldn't worry. She will probably ignore you unless she has to engage with you for work.

December2012

[quote="40something iceman;85766197"

What should i do? I still have to work with her.[/quote]

Go and talk to a counsellor. Leave your colleague alone. She doesn't want you.

LegacyUser

i agree, your post comes across as arrogant and bizarre op. your unwillingness to deal with the issues in your marriage, your unwillingness to read social signals from the work colleague, and your unwillingness to admit to any of the advice you've gotten on here would be a complete and utter turn off for me, and i suspect a LOT of women.

the way you talk about and to this woman is now bordering on creepy. the way you casually dismiss your wife and the mother of your children to justify the determined way you're pursuing this woman is creepy. the way you won't even entertain the idea that this woman is not willing to have an affair with you (even though she's basically and explicitly said she won't) is creepy.

life isn't a hollywood movie, yet you seem to have this whole screenplay of the unloved married man gets seduced by the attractive younger workmate all written out in your head already and are frustrated everyone else is playing their parts to your liking. stop sending this woman inappropriate texts and trying to bully her into her part as your scarlet woman.

leave her alone and let her get on with her job. go home, and either get your wife to work on your marriage together or agree between the both of you to break up.

LegacyUser

40something iceman wrote: »

i omitted to mention that over the last two weeks this other woman flirted with me. She asked me to touch one of her legs, gave opinions on what type of man she prefers and made some suggestive remarks. Not quite the innocent virgin of old! She was her cheery self giggling and laughing out loud.

However ever since i showed her pictures of my children last Friday evening she has become distant yesterday and today even depressed. She had a boring weekend. Her mood was so low and out of character. Not only has the flirting stopped but she has become irritable with all the work mates. She has lost her cheery self. Being a professional she is putting on a good show. She was pleasant to me and even gave me a lift. However there was a touch of roadrage in her driving.

I complemented her on her appearance and sent her a text to give her a badly needed ego boast. I told her that I was a shouldler to cry on if she wanted to open up in confidence, that she was beautiful and that she should take care of herself. Hopefully she's just in bad form and won't do anything stupid. I'm not sure if I wish to take it any further but that's over to her. She has known that I've been married for months now. Maybe it didn't sink in until she saw the pics.

She's on leave until next week now. Hoping that she will pull herself together.

As for the other half she's not interested in being intimate. Too busy yapping to her lady friends and obsessed with the children to take any interest in me. However she is very loyal. I couldn't conceive her having an affair. I have to be more than a source of easy money.

Still confused. Maybe the other woman expected me to make a move notwithstanding being married and being at work. She lives for work. She met her x at work. I feel guilty for her. Its not easy being alone.

What should i do? I still have to work with her.

Cheese & crackers what a mess!! First of all, she has zero romantic interest in you seriously. If I thought by the harmless flirting I do with my male work mates meant they thought I wanted to jump their bones, I'd never give eye contact again.

I'm sure your wife doesn't see you as easy money. As I doubt it's very "easy" to bring up 3 children. Pull your finger out and leave if you're that unhappy, or agree to marriage counseling but for god sakes man pull the plaster somehow..

I'd get this work girl out of your head if I was you, and quit texting her telling her she's beautiful. Of course she ain't going to do anything stupid, like someone else said she probably was having a bad day, it happens.. If I had some married with kids work guy texting me creepy crap I'd be having plenty of bad days..

Crack on and sort your life out and stop looking for permission from here for you to try and have an affair, coz you won't be getting it sunshine!

ibarelycare

Wow you are really coming across as a creep OP, I feel very sorry for your colleague. Stop texting her, stop telling her she's beautiful, stop flirting with her and stop over-analysing all her actions. As well as being creepy, it's highly inappropriate behaviour with a colleague.

SEPARATELY from that, you need to decide what you want to do with your marriage. If you are not willing to continue being married to someone who won't be intimate with you and who shows very little interest in you, then you should leave her. Speak to a lawyer about your options. However if you are determined to stay in your unhappy marriage, for the sake of your kids or whatever reason, then that does NOT grant you permission to cheat.

LegacyUser

Whow I' with my wife.m sorry for being man. What I'm looking for is advice not insults.

Maybe I have been a jerk. I love my job, it gives me a sense as to who I am. Trouble is that I have to work with this woman on an ongoing basis. Maybe I will look to change desks where I can have some space at work. Maybe I need counselling with my wife.

I'm not made of sticks and bones you know.

StillWaters

40something iceman wrote: »

Maybe I have been a jerk. I love my job, it gives me a sense as to who I am. Trouble is that I have to work with this woman on an ongoing basis. Maybe I will look to change desks where I can have some space at work.

I think that's a good idea, before she puts in a sexual harassment complaint.

Merkin

40something iceman wrote: »

Trouble is that I have to work with this woman on an ongoing basis. Maybe I will look to change desks where I can have some space at work.

To give her space don't you mean? Yes, I think that's probably a good idea. You're obviously infatuated with the girl and I'm sure the sleazy texts are making her uncomfortable. Giving the girl some space (and stop texting her) is a positive step forward.

Your next step should then be to sit down with your wife and decide together whether there is enough love there to salvage the marriage and whether you can both see a future together and whether you're prepared to work on it through counselling. I agree with Sunflower, I think this obsession with your colleague is merely symptomatic of your marital problems.