Boyfriend & World Cup

LegacyUser

I just need some outside perspective on this, will try to be brief!

My boyfriend wants to go to Brazil for the World Cup next year. He was at the last one with three friends, we weren't together at the time but he did have a girlfriend. It was what you'd expect of four guys in their 20s I suppose. He cheated on his girlfriend as did another friend (who is still with the girl he cheated on), they travelled about and got hammered most nights etc. and said they'd definitely go to the next World Cup. He and I are together more than two years now and it's been a great two years for the most part. He's been honest with me from the start about what a d!ck he was in general to his previous girlfriend and genuinely seems to want to be with me and be a decent boyfriend etc. We've just recently bought a house together.

The prospect of him going to the World Cup came up a few months ago and I said I'd love to go, both as a reason to see Brazil as well as the football craic. He basically said absolutely not. Later that evening we were out with some friends and he asked a guy there was he going because it was going to be the best thing ever basically and the next few were in less desirable tourist destinations. The guy said he probably would because his girlfriend wanted to which was funny because my boyfriend was raging I'd heard. But mostly, I was raging because I'm sitting there like a sap while he describes his future best time of his life which he has pointedly excluded me from and trieds to convince someone he hardly knows that he should go! So we spoke about it later and it got relatively heated, not much was resolved as it's so far in the future anyway. Since then it hasn't been mentioned, however as I said we've bought a house as well as gone through a few more things together as a couple and I kind of felt like it wouldn't happen separate to us arguing. I also thought the steam might have ran out of the idea in the group in general as they're a bit older etc.

However, when I came in yesterday I asked him what he'd been up to and he said Oh looking up stuff for Brazil next year, they released dates. I didn't say anything because to be honest we'd already had an argument that day so it wasn't the right time. But now I'm trying to weigh up how I feel about it before I say anything. I'm raging that he's still entertaining it to be honest. I don't want him to not go with his friends but I don't see why I couldn't come too when I genuinely want to go there and am into football. I've since found out from one of his friends that he was the one who got all the details this wkend, and got the ball rolling so to speak and also that he told them to extend the invite to whoever they think of...blokes obviously. So it's not about him just going with his good mates. The whole thing doesn't sit right with me but I feel like the situation is being manipulated into me being accused of being needy/controlling and various cliches which isn't the case. When we argue he tends to get ridiculously over the top angry and then maybe apologise for the anger but it's distracted from the topic and nothing gets resolved. Ultimately he just gets to do what he wants then without considering my feelings. I can see this going the same way.

Looking back I can see there are a few issues on the go here. So any opinions/input would be greatly appreciated.Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

If you want to go for the experience, and to see Brazil and enjoy the football, rather than going "just to keep an eye on him", then he can't really stop you! You don't need his permission. Just tell him you are going. Tell him it looks like some of the other lads' gf are planning on going too.

But if you are going "just to keep an eye on him" then I think you have problems...

December2012

If he fights with you, refuse to fight. Stay calm, stay cool.

But....

In all honesty, can you not see that lads holidays are for lads only?

Would you expect him to come along on a girls holiday with you and your female friends?

If you really want to go to brazil, then go without him with some friends.

If you don't trust him then you have different issues to discuss.

Chucky the tree

I think you are being pretty needy and controlling. It's obvious from the fact that you mentioned his previous cheating that you are worried about that and that seems to be an important reason you want to go with him. I don't see why he should be forced to go with you either.

Tasden

Well it seems like its just a lads trip so I can see why he doesn't want his girlfriend going. It'd be like him inviting himself to your girls holiday. At the end of the day if you want to go to the world cup then you're obviously more than entitled to but if he wants his trip away to be just the lads then that's fair enough too.

MagicMarker

If you want to go and see the world cup, then go. No one is stopping you.

If you want to go to make sure your bf doesn't cheat on you, then that's another matter. I don't really blame you though, I don't think I could truly trust someone who I know has cheated in previous relationships, it says a lot about their character tbh.

A_Sober_Paddy

Would have to agree with what's been said...

If its a lad's holiday, girlfriends will ruin it...when lads are together(for the most part) they will look at good looking girls, be a bit more free about stories and are all on the same page, long nights, drinking and whatever else...if you can't trust him to stay faithful why did you buy a house with him...

Went on a couple of holidays, lads holiday with myself and 3 other, one of the lads had a girlfriend, but was still great craic and was well up for everything, long night,, stupid drinking games...if his girlfriend was there, he'd have had part taken in nearly 70% of the holiday, a lads holiday was pretty much a way for us to get our drinking and acting the messer's out of our system, blow off a bit of steam...

Was at a music festival with mates, one of the lads gf's invited herself and pretty much ruined it for him, we would have got around 3 hours sleep a night on average for the duration of the festival. And of course drink, party just make new friends, he pretty much had to stay with her, and go to bed early and basically mind her cause she was there on her own...

Wow I really miss being young

Lads holiday's for lads...

Couple's holiday for a couples, how would you feel if he invited his best mate to go on a holiday with just ye two?

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the replies. I can see completely how it reads needy, but I'm really not generally a needy girlfriend. When it comes to holidays etc, he's actually been the one to try to come to on any of my trips, saying I know all your mates why wouldn't I come. From the beginning we've been the type of couple who go out partying together all night with both sets of friends. Proper partying, festivals, major sessions, holidays etc. I know he really wanted to show to both me and his friends that this relationship was different and he was serious etc. Nearly all of his friends have individually said to me he's completely different with me than any previous girlfriends (as far as thinking enough of them to not fck them over by cheating on them). Incidentally, I get on with all of his friends and am actually quite close to them.

So I suppose this has made me nervous that it's more like something he would have done with his exes. Directly excluded them, become furious when questioned about it and then gone ahead and booked it anyway. I should point out that the only one of his friends I haven't entirely clicked with is the friend who cheated on his girlfriend during their last trip. They are still together and have bought a house etc, most people expect him to propose soon. He's generally quite guarded around me and my boyfriend has said it's because he can't really get his head around that I'm not just another girlfriend but that I'm "in" so to speak, one of the guys or whatever. I don't really know what I'm saying or feeling to be honest - if it comes to it I certainly will book my own completely separate holiday with my friends and this is actually an option but I can almost guarantee he won't be happy with that and will say I'm only going out of spite. I don't feel like I don't trust him but this situation has made me fearful of something. I never have and never would stop him going on a lad's holiday but this is like a month long reunion of when they all behaved like dcks!

Thanks for letting me sound off here. I'm just streaming at the moment. I'm not an unreasonable person, that's why I've come here.:)

argentum

In fairness i don't think your other half will be going to Brazil as there's no way Ireland will qualify

kbell

They didn't Qualify for the last one, but he went.

anncoates

I go to football trips and I wouldn't want my wife on one because I know deep down she doesn't like football and she would spoil what is just a few days of football centred stuff whether going to the game or taking about football in pubs and not doing any cultural or other stuff. We have our own trips /holidays together to do that.

It's not a gender thing just a football thing.

Thankfully she has as little desire to tag along as I would on a weekend away with her mates to do stuff she likes.

Boskowski

Admit it to yourself.
You don't really care about the World Cup, you don't like the idea of him going basically. Maybe you don't like the idea of him having fun without you. Maybe you don't trust him.

The question is what will end it. Him playing away? Him resenting you for ruining his holiday? Or your trust issues?
And maybe you not trusting him is not an issue of yours, maybe its perfectly reasonable, maybe he can't be trusted. But then you have a problem anyway not just this holiday. Either way you're in a dilemma and you need to find out why you really don't want him to go and then take it from there.

from_atozinc

It's like when you go to the pub with the lads only - you can talk about anything and to be honest have better craic.

If there was a girlfriend there the craic wouldn't be as good and the conversation would not be the same. And that's just honesty, some people may say its a bit harsh but in my opinion its true.

The idea of the OP tagging along with a few lads on a lads trip sounds stupid to me personally.

meeeeh

I would be seriously insulted and it has nothing to do with fear of cheating. Is he thirteen or what to need time off with the lads to drink bear and stare at other women in peace (what's wrong with looking anyway). Secondly I understand that people need time away from each other but when both want to go somewhere I would presume partner takes priority to friends. If you are doing it for the right reasons of course. It just seems very immature and selfish to me.

And before I get slated for not understanding the attraction of certain sporting events, well my bf and I usually travel together because we both like the same sports. Neither did my male friends ever exclude me from any activity because I'm female. And yes they still enjoyed themselves. If this would be about a trip to some common holiday my answer would be different but it's to an event that is on every four years and in really attractive location. Btw there are also indications it will be extremly expensive and if he insists on going by himself I hope it won't affect joint finances and his ability to do stuff with the op.

LegacyUser

Again, thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.

I suppose there is a big part of me that feels hurt that he doesn't want me to be part of what he sees as a big deal. Is that wrong of me? I understand the idea of "no girlfriends" obviously but until now we've just not been that type of couple. He can be himself when he's with both me and his mates, he's said it himself. They all can, I'd prefer them to rein it in a bit if Im being honest. And of course it's the same the other way around. His mates often ask me to go out with them even if my boyf can't. Of course theres notmal bloke chat they save for when Im not around Im sure but I guess It's just the blatant block on me going that I don't like. Especially when I have made it clear I want to go anyway. But like I said Im here to work it out. Leaving potential trust issues aside, would nobody else be bothered?

It's not about him not having fun or me just saying I want to go when I don't. He talked me out of a 6 week job abroad because he said it was too long apart and he just wouldn't like it. Yet he can have a month away on the p!ss?

Talking it all out just makes me realise there's notice I can do either way us there? Is he doesn't want me there he doesn't want me there and I have to get over it.

Bigdeadlydave

I'd be pissed if one of the guys took his girlfriend on a lads holiday, as would most guys I reckon.

padz

id agree with meeeh about the finances, you mentioned about having a home together, if its comming out of his own pocket thats all well and good but if its 'im saving for brazil, well have to cut back to the bare essentials' or some other crap id be pretty upset

as a guy the whole lads thing i dont get, this is the world cup the most watched sporting event in the world, i dont get how 'lads trip' gets tied up into it, its different if ur goin to an away ireland game to prague or a trip to amsterdam, thats a 'lads trip' and we all know they aint goin for the beer

LegacyUser

Hey OP

Considering all his friends going on about how you're the one because he hasn't cheated on you would give me the creeps. How much of a cheater was he? Leopards and all that. You like football but you can't go? I could understand if you didn't like it, but you do. Getting irrationally angry during discussions and derailing the discussion? Another red flag. If I were you I'd be seriously regretting buying the house. He sounds like a messer OP and I wouldn't be happy at all in your situation. A whole month away for him but you can't go for 6 weeks? Something's wrong here OP, I don't even know your fella and I don't trust him. I really hope everything works out for you but I've a bad feeling about this one. If he does go for the love of god make sure to use condoms when he's back. If he's cheats at a world cup there's a chance it'll be with a prostitute, apparently they go en masse to the areas around the world cups.

Best of luck.

Honey-ec

Bigdeadlydave wrote: »

I'd be pissed if one of the guys took his girlfriend on a lads holiday, as would most guys I reckon.

Who said it's a "lads" holiday? There's already been discussion of other girlfriends going.

It's the World Cup, ffs, he can't just "bags" the biggest sporting event in the world and throw all his toys out of the pram because his girlfriend thinks she might like to go on what could pretty much be the trip of a lifetime.

finbarrk

I'm going there myself. I don't know what he meant by saying they have just released the dates. The match dates have been known for at least 12 months.
I have been to the last 6 World Cups so my wife doesn't seem to have a problem with me going to this one.
If I was you op I would tell him that you are going to Ibiza or the Canaries or somewhere like that when he is gone to Brazil.

Magicmatilda

If my boyfriend told me that he went to the last World Cup and cheated on his girlfriend and then insisted he was going to the next one without me. I would be upset and a bit worried. I think it's understandable that you would have trust issues around this given his past. I think he should be at least willing to understand your point if view. Plus that's a pretty big trip, a month in Brazil to want to go on with his mates.

But all that aside I find its more worrying when you describe how he gets really angry and shouts you down so that you never get your way. Maybe I'm extremely lucky but it's been a very, very rare occasion when any boyfriend has shouted at me. Also the thing about him talking you out of a job, while you absolutely need to take responsibility with making that decision yourself, I do think it sounds like controlling and manipulative behaviour. How did you come to buying a house with this guy within 2 years?

You asked if no one else would have a problem. I would, you are not mad, but is have more of a problem with the unwillingness to talk about the situation in a calm, mature manner.

2Mad2BeMad

its a lads holiday, simple as that let him go
im young meself in early twenties and im going away next summer to prague with 3 of me best mates, and my girlfriend wants to go, but ive told her already im going with the lads cause for myself, i cant be meself around me mates because she prefers early nights in, she cant handle her drink, and cant take banter too much
shed ruin the whole holiday for me so i told her we'd hed off somewere together a month or two after

desbrook

Doubleohseven wrote: »

I just need some outside perspective on this, will try to be brief!

My boyfriend wants to go to Brazil for the World Cup next year. He was at the last one with three friends, we weren't together at the time but he did have a girlfriend. It was what you'd expect of four guys in their 20s I suppose. He cheated on his girlfriend as did another friend (who is still with the girl he cheated on), they travelled about and got hammered most nights etc. and said they'd definitely go to the next World Cup. He and I are together more than two years now and it's been a great two years for the most part. He's been honest with me from the start about what a d!ck he was in general to his previous girlfriend and genuinely seems to want to be with me and be a decent boyfriend etc. We've just recently bought a house together.

The prospect of him going to the World Cup came up a few months ago and I said I'd love to go, both as a reason to see Brazil as well as the football craic. He basically said absolutely not. Later that evening we were out with some friends and he asked a guy there was he going because it was going to be the best thing ever basically and the next few were in less desirable tourist destinations. The guy said he probably would because his girlfriend wanted to which was funny because my boyfriend was raging I'd heard. But mostly, I was raging because I'm sitting there like a sap while he describes his future best time of his life which he has pointedly excluded me from and trieds to convince someone he hardly knows that he should go! So we spoke about it later and it got relatively heated, not much was resolved as it's so far in the future anyway. Since then it hasn't been mentioned, however as I said we've bought a house as well as gone through a few more things together as a couple and I kind of felt like it wouldn't happen separate to us arguing. I also thought the steam might have ran out of the idea in the group in general as they're a bit older etc.

However, when I came in yesterday I asked him what he'd been up to and he said Oh looking up stuff for Brazil next year, they released dates. I didn't say anything because to be honest we'd already had an argument that day so it wasn't the right time. But now I'm trying to weigh up how I feel about it before I say anything. I'm raging that he's still entertaining it to be honest. I don't want him to not go with his friends but I don't see why I couldn't come too when I genuinely want to go there and am into football. I've since found out from one of his friends that he was the one who got all the details this wkend, and got the ball rolling so to speak and also that he told them to extend the invite to whoever they think of...blokes obviously. So it's not about him just going with his good mates. The whole thing doesn't sit right with me but I feel like the situation is being manipulated into me being accused of being needy/controlling and various cliches which isn't the case. When we argue he tends to get ridiculously over the top angry and then maybe apologise for the anger but it's distracted from the topic and nothing gets resolved. Ultimately he just gets to do what he wants then without considering my feelings. I can see this going the same way.

Looking back I can see there are a few issues on the go here. So any opinions/input would be greatly appreciated.Thanks.

I'm embarressed to be male reading this but then again I have the same view of "girly holidays". It sound like you are both about 30 but he's acting like he's 15 . It's just as well you only live together and aren't married or worse still parents . Why ? because he wants his cake and to eat it . In a committed relationship or when you become a parent you have to realise you can't have it all your own way .
He wants you in his bed when he feels like it but not for a whole month when "craic with the lads " and football take precedence . He even has the option of you coming along but still stays no . Jerk .
He wants you to share the expense of buying and running a home yet feels he can spend thousands purely on himself and his own pleasures . The thought of you having a child with him. No way .

If you are happy with this I'd be inclined to say go ahead despite my reservations because I realise that lots of couples live this way . You aren't happy though and my points to you are :

1- I see exactly why
2- It doesn't bode well for the future
3 - Not all men think like him

username123

He sounds like a bully tbh. Getting irrationally angry and then the anger becoming the focus of the issue and the issue itself never being resolved? Being told you are not welcome on a holiday with him - its not mature. How many more things will he exclude you from because he doesnt want you there? Youve bought a house with him, but he acts like you are some annoying girl he only wants around when it suits him. It doesnt sound like an adult relationship.

ncmc

I agree with the previous two posters, I think your boyfriend is acting like he’s 18/19 when in fact he is in his late 20’s and owns a home. To the posters who say the OP is over reacting and that he’s entitled to a lads holiday, it’s not a long weekend or even a week, it’s a MONTH away from the OP, it’s presumably costing thousands and presumably taking up most of his annual leave. I wouldn’t get so caught up on the previous cheating, if the OP bought a house with him, then she presumably trusts him. I would just question what kind of man would even want to go away for a month without his GF… doesn’t sound like he’s very committed to me. Then there’s the irrational anger and the fact that he asked the OP not to take a job because it would mean she was 6 weeks away. It sounds like he is the controlling one in the relationship.

username123

ncmc wrote: »

I would just question what kind of man would even want to go away for a month without his GF… doesn’t sound like he’s very committed to me.

I wouldnt mind if my husband wanted to go away for a month to do something he wanted to do - even if it was expensive etc... What I would object to would be him dictating to me as though I was a bold child and insisting that I am not allowed have any input in the decision - because it would be a decision that would affect both of us, financially as well as emotionally.

(Personally I would not be impressed anyway if my partner with whom I owned a house wanted to go on some kind of youth re-living booze up for a month with the lads but thats a separate issue.)

Shelga

OP he sounds at best very immature, at worst not to be trusted. How old are you guys? At first glance it's easy to agree with the posters who chastise you for questioning his 'lads' time'. But as another poster pointed out-it's likely using up his entire annual leave and costing thousands- why does he have to have a whole month of getting pissed and talking shite with the boys?

I think you're being very reasonable and I totally see your point. You definitely don't sound like a clingy nag. Don't feel you have to justify your feelings to strangers on the internet who are telling you you're just ruining your precious boyfriend's fun. :rolleyes: He should want to go away with you, without being scolded into it.

I'd suggest you sit down together and calmly discuss it- promise to each other at the beginning of the conversation that you won't raise your voices. Just try to find out why he's so adamant on this holiday- maybe it is just a case of wanting one last crazy holiday before facing 'grown up life' properly. However if other girlfriends are going he hasn't a leg to stand on! Best of luck OP.

NeonCookies

Doubleohseven wrote: »

Later that evening we were out with some friends and he asked a guy there was he going because it was going to be the best thing ever basically and the next few were in less desirable tourist destinations. The guy said he probably would because his girlfriend wanted to

Doesn't sound like it's gonna be a lads holiday to me. Did he push the "lads" thing on this guy? Sounds like maybe his friends have grown up and he's trying to cling on to something.

(I do totally get the need for lads and girls time btw - my boyfriend has regular lads nights, has been to Amsterdam for a weekend with the lads etc. but what he's suggesting is too much tbh. And his attitude towards you even suggesting that you go in the first place would really, really annoy me)

You also said that you can guarantee he wouldn't like if you booked your own month long holiday and would say you're only doing it out of spite?! How immature! So he wants you to sit alone in your (joint) house and just wait for his return. I'd be having a VERY serious chat.

ABajaninCork

I've been in that boat. Bloke I was seeing went to Euro 2000 with his mates. Fair enough. It was also the same year Millwall were in the FA Cup Final which was in the Millennium Stadium at the time, and I knew without being told he would be going to the game with his brother, nephews and mates. Fair enough. It would be the one and only time Millwall would ever get to the final, and I had no objections each time.

I lost the plot when he decided to go to the US with another friend on a whim straight away after. In total I never saw him for about eight weeks. That's when he had to go!

Ciarabear

1. If you're genuinely upset or concerned about your boyfriend going away, your boyfriend should be listening to your concerns and trying to reassure you, not adding to your worry by responding aggressively. He should want you to be happy.

2. Your boyfriend is entitled to enjoy guy time with his friends, you can't encroach on his personal space and expect to be omnipresent 24/7. You should want him to be happy.

3.People don't cheat because they go to Brazil, they cheat because it's in their nature. If you feel this is within your boyfriend's nature, you need to ask yourself some serious questions about why you're with him. If you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

Legs.Eleven

I can honestly see both sides, OP and I can definitely see where you're coming from as there's talk of other girlfriends coming too, so it doesn't look like it's going to be a strictly lads holiday and the WC is not just about football - a massive part of it is the partying and the craic, so that justification seems a little weak. I am a firm believer in both partners in a relationship having separate lives from each other and would hate if my boyfriend decided to tag along on a holiday I booked with only my female friends and I wouldn't dream of doing the same.

If it was just the lads going to see a match in England for the weekend, I could see his point (Brazil will be party central. I was there 5 years ago and it's party central in Rio even on a weekday night) but even still, I think what it really comes down is trust issues and those have to be dealt with anyway regardless of the World Cup. It's obviously playing on your mind and I completely understand that but it will come up time and time again if you plan on spending your lives together and the trust is not 100% there.

At the end of the day, someone who's inclined to cheat won't wait to get to Brazil first to do it but in the same breath, I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater either. I know plenty of examples where that's not at all the case. People make mistakes.

It's a tough one but I do think the trust issue is the main focus here and I don't know what to suggest to resolve it only remember he didn't cheat on you. He sounds committed and in love with you, OP. I can understand that perhaps he thinks he'll have to look after you (it's a dangerous city) and won't be able to go completely mental. I don't know.


Good luck with it all anyway.

CommanderC

He sounds very immature. I can understand going away with the lads/the girls but to get so angry about it....alarm bells are ringing for me there.

ABajaninCork

Here's an idea for you, OP. Why don't round up the girls and go away too? For example, you could go to Brazil, but plan your own tour. Maybe arrange to meet up for a night in Rio or Manos, whatever takes your fancy, then the pair of you move on.

Doesn't have to be Brazil. How about a US road trip, posh spa in Thailand or India - Sky's the limit! Mind you - I have a feeling Lover Boy might not like it when the shoe's on the other foot!