Am I broody enough to risk our future?

LegacyUser

Hi, I am going unreg for this. This isn't something I can really ask our friends about.

Have been married a long time. Fast approaching 40. We decided from Day 1 we weren't going to have kids. Why not? Cos neither of us had ever had a broody minute in our lives. So it was very natural for us.

Problem is, I've in the last couple of years started to feel really odd whenever I saw a friend with a baby. Or pregnant. Like, wobbly. Slightly sick. Kinda like I'm going over a hill too fast in a car. Have realised I looooove babies. But thats normal right? Babies kittens and puppies? This is what I tell myself. Trying to rationalise it to nothing. I was just never around them before all my friends started breeding like mad. Now I see them a lot.

I feel a sense of sadness quite often when I think about a no-kids future. It used to look so free and spontaeneous. Well maybe I've had enough spontenaity cos I don't find that so important anymore. Its not like I need to travel the world. We have a great home, we're settled, we don't want to go off to Tibet and have adventures. Now my future seems strangely inadequate. But then I tell myself not to be stupid - I like my life so I'll like my future too, right???

Husband is worried. He hasn't changed about never wanting kids. He always says the door isn't closed, its never off the table etc etc but I know well internally he's really praying hard this is just a phase. He adores the image of our child-free future. He's just saying that cos he loves me so much. He's lovely. If I was desperately broody he'd try to give me what I wanted, he just wants me to be happy. But it'd always be ME, not really WE. MY decision that he'd try and support me in. Its basically putting the entire responsibility for our future on my shoulders and its fair enough as he doesn't want it...but by God its terrifying. Being the one thats risking our future. Cos what is we get one thats horrendous? We all know those kids. Constant stress and worry. Meanwhile the parents are arguing all the time. No sleep. just barking at the kid and each other. We get on so well, but thats cos we live in a civilised adult bubble. No chaos.

So MY decision could f*** up our lives. Jesus. I need to be sure. 1000% sure.

I saw him my husband with a baby the other day, pulling faces and being so adorable and goofy. I felt tearful. Told him later it had gotten to me. He went quiet. Told me he feels like the bad guy and hates it. Told me if I wanted a kid, decide. I get that he's spent the last two years listening (only intermittedly, not often) to me being all Debate-y Logic Lady about this. Trying to talk myself out of it and assuring him that it'd pass. Only for it NOT to pass. I get that its a bit tortuous for him. He's in limbo.

But its tortuous for me more. Cos my door is closing, not his. I might not be able to conceive at this age, but I think I'd be at peace if I at least tried & it was down to nature. But the burden of the entire decision on me alone....its too much. This isn't just deciding to switch jobs! I need to know from others, on a scale of 0-10, how broody is this, really?

Cos I don't know what broody feels like. Is it this? Or is this just age-related tremors that are fairly minimal and tend to pass? Thats what I'm asking. Not the people who've been broody all their lives - I imagine that feels like a great NEEEEED. I'm asking the people, guys also, what it feels like when it's more moderate. Cos I'm really scared its happening to me. Worse, I'm scared its not gonna go away. I'm afraid I'm going to have regret and sadness forever.

liquoriceall

Cookerygirl wrote: »

Hi, I am going unreg for this. This isn't something I can really ask our friends about.

Have been married a long time. Fast approaching 40. We decided from Day 1 we weren't going to have kids. Why not? Cos neither of us had ever had a broody minute in our lives. So it was very natural for us.

Problem is, I've in the last couple of years started to feel really odd whenever I saw a friend with a baby. Or pregnant. Like, wobbly. Slightly sick. Kinda like I'm going over a hill too fast in a car. Have realised I looooove babies. But thats normal right? Babies kittens and puppies? This is what I tell myself. Trying to rationalise it to nothing. I was just never around them before all my friends started breeding like mad. Now I see them a lot.

I feel a sense of sadness quite often when I think about a no-kids future. It used to look so free and spontaeneous. Well maybe I've had enough spontenaity cos I don't find that so important anymore. Its not like I need to travel the world. We have a great home, we're settled, we don't want to go off to Tibet and have adventures. Now my future seems strangely inadequate. But then I tell myself not to be stupid - I like my life so I'll like my future too, right???

Husband is worried. He hasn't changed about never wanting kids. He always says the door isn't closed, its never off the table etc etc but I know well internally he's really praying hard this is just a phase. He adores the image of our child-free future. He's just saying that cos he loves me so much. He's lovely. If I was desperately broody he'd try to give me what I wanted, he just wants me to be happy. But it'd always be ME, not really WE. MY decision that he'd try and support me in. Its basically putting the entire responsibility for our future on my shoulders and its fair enough as he doesn't want it...but by God its terrifying. Being the one thats risking our future. Cos what is we get one thats horrendous? We all know those kids. Constant stress and worry. Meanwhile the parents are arguing all the time. No sleep. just barking at the kid and each other. We get on so well, but thats cos we live in a civilised adult bubble. No chaos.

So MY decision could f*** up our lives. Jesus. I need to be sure. 1000% sure.

I saw him my husband with a baby the other day, pulling faces and being so adorable and goofy. I felt tearful. Told him later it had gotten to me. He went quiet. Told me he feels like the bad guy and hates it. Told me if I wanted a kid, decide. I get that he's spent the last two years listening (only intermittedly, not often) to me being all Debate-y Logic Lady about this. Trying to talk myself out of it and assuring him that it'd pass. Only for it NOT to pass. I get that its a bit tortuous for him. He's in limbo.

But its tortuous for me more. Cos my door is closing, not his. I might not be able to conceive at this age, but I think I'd be at peace if I at least tried & it was down to nature. But the burden of the entire decision on me alone....its too much. This isn't just deciding to switch jobs! I need to know from others, on a scale of 0-10, how broody is this, really?

Cos I don't know what broody feels like. Is it this? Or is this just age-related tremors that are fairly minimal and tend to pass? Thats what I'm asking. Not the people who've been broody all their lives - I imagine that feels like a great NEEEEED. I'm asking the people, guys also, what it feels like when it's more moderate. Cos I'm really scared its happening to me. Worse, I'm scared its not gonna go away. I'm afraid I'm going to have regret and sadness forever.

Hi there....I have never been in this situation but I would say Ive never heard of anyone regretting having a baby but plenty of people have regretted not having one.....good luck

StillWaters

You ask on a scale of 0-10 how broody are you. I would say you are very broody.
I would also say you have been agonising over this for 2 years. Your husband is right. Decide. You do not have the luxury of time to mull over this.

You are expecting your husband to make this decision, but he is not going to.

Ask yourself how you would feel if he told you today.
I want a baby, let's start trying tonight.
I do not want a baby, I'm getting the snip.

Your reaction should give you your answer.

skyfall2012

There is no doubt your world is turned upside down when you have kids. It becomes all about the kids, its like crossing over into another dimension and the people who haven't crossed over have no idea what you are experiencing.

I have two girls and I have to say the baby stage was difficult for me, but some people breeze through it. My children attend school now and life is good. Childminding can be a constant problem to be solved, when you need to get your hair done or go on official business.

In saying all that I love the ground they walk on and I have felt a kind of happiness I have never felt before. Bringing them to the beech and watching them have fun and enjoying themselves, brings me an amazing sense of joy. They have also thought me to really appreciate my nights out, I can sit in a pub and stare at the wall not talk to anybody and be totally relaxed and perfectly happy.

But, I would recommend that you are both on board with this, stability is the holy grail when raising children.

Beruthiel

Cookerygirl wrote: »

I'm asking the people, guys also, what it feels like when it's more moderate.

Is that moderate, what you're feeling?

I had a child 25 years ago. It was not planned and I didn't want to be pregnant.
However, I don't regret having her, she's wonderful.
I've never had one broody thought in my whole life, not then, not while I was pregnant and never since.
In fact, I immediately made the decision never to have another child and not once have I ever regretted that decision. It's 100% for me.

What I'm saying is, compared to me, from reading your comments, you seem like you're in desperate need to have a baby.

Now I know for some women that mother nature can kick in around your 30's early 40's to make sure you give it one last try to continue the species. That never happened to me either, perhaps it's happening to you.
Whatever the reason, to answer your question, if you compare yourself to me, you are indeed very broody.

Whither you give in to this or not will be down to you.
Your life will be turned on it's head for the next 18 years plus.
It will completely change.
A change that cannot properly be explained to you by words in it's vastness.
If your husband doesn't hop on board with it, it will indeed test your relationship.
On the up side, you will love the child unconditionally, they will bring you great joy. You would will die for them.

I'm no help am I?

LegacyUser

There's a website called "the childfree life" which has a section called "on the fence" specifically for those in your situation. It may help to talk to people there.
Don't bottle anything up...talk as much as possible with your husband.
Make sure you want it because you actually want it and not only because you're worried about time running out.

LegacyUser

liquoriceall wrote: »

Hi there....I have never been in this situation but I would say Ive never heard of anyone regretting having a baby but plenty of people have regretted not having one.....good luck

I really think this is a bit (a lot!) simplistic. Having a child will up-end your life. It will change everything, even simple things like going out to the cinema, or going for a meal together to a grown-up restaurant. I'd imagine that there are quite a few people who regret having a baby; they just don't articulate it because its not the done thing. I know of two in my immediate circle. Of course they love the child, but neither was planned, and in both cases there has been a toll on the relationship. I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like you need to choose between a baby and your relationship: your partner clearly does not want a child, and he may go along with the 'idea' of a child, in order to make you happy; but how will he cope with sleepless nights / nappies / the up-ending of your current life. Having kids is not a scenario that you can 'wait and see' about; either in terms of getting pregnant, or the next 18 years to life!

Honey-ec

liquoriceall wrote: »

Hi there....I have never been in this situation but I would say Ive never heard of anyone regretting having a baby but plenty of people have regretted not having one.....good luck

That's because it's a huge taboo for anyone (especially women) to admit that they regret having children. But I do know several people (my mother in law being one) who have said that, if they could do things differently, they would not choose to have children. Not everyone is a natural parent and you can't just assume that once a baby comes along, everything will just fall into place.

OP, you have a very difficult decision to make. You can try for a baby and hope that (if you get pregnant), your husband will fall head over heels and everything will work out fine. But you also need to be prepared for the fact that he might not, that he might be a supportive partner but not the kind of father you want him to be, or that he might decide that being a father is not for him at all, and check out altogether. You need to balance whether the relationship you have now is worth risking against the relationship you *might* have when a baby is added to the equation.

LegacyUser

Actually I don't really have the worry that my husband would not fall for the child. He's hardwired to like small things. He loves holding babies. I think he'd love our child.

But I feel like a total bitch for putting him in that position in the first place cos he's been explicit, and its me thats changed the rules, not him.

Also, he loves his easy life. Even if he loved the child, would I sense that he was always thinking fondly back to the times when the house was an oasis of peace? Nobody wants to be the bad guy, and I feel like I'm ruining his lovely bubble.

When I ask him now why he doesn't want a child, his main reason is that he thinks he would be stressed to the eyeballs, and it would bring unwanted anxiety into our bubble. We have it very easy at the moment. Too easy, maybe.

None of this worries me. I don't mind chaos, or noise, or messiness. I function well in stressful situations. So does he, but he dreads them, whereas I'm more pragmatic.

He says "a child is adorable in theory, but the reality is that kid screaming in the supermarket whilst everyone looks"

I honestly feel like hugely guilty for being broody. Thats the truth.

Taltos

Afraid OP your husband is right. You do need to decide.

The good news is he doesn't appear to want to leave he marriage based on what you decide. Some of us are so against having a child that for us it is a deal breaker. Having entered into a marriage being honest about not wanting kids for us finding our partner changing their mind years down the road would be terrifying. If he hates stress I can only imagine what your flip-flopping for the last few years has been doing for him. The good news is that he is still there.

So decide - but maybe have one last talk with him. You need to be sure of what he is going to do if you say yes you want a kid. Will he stick around and be that reluctant father (or doting dad) or will he, like me and others decide that this is a choice he would prefer to live without.

Who knows, after all of this torture you may be unable to conceive but it's not fair on either of you dragging this on for so long. As tough as it is a difficult talk must be had and one way or another you both have to come to agreement on how your relationship is going to change.

LegacyUser

liquoriceall wrote: »

Hi there....I have never been in this situation but I would say Ive never heard of anyone regretting having a baby but plenty of people have regretted not having one.....good luck

Just wanted to say that it isn't fair on the child if one parent doesn't want kids, and the other (you) is ambiguous. Kids pick up on these things. Times were different when I was a kid, it was very much the expected thing to have kids. But I remember being aware from maybe early teens that my Dad (whilst a good Dad) wasn't really into kids - and my mother, through stuff she said, made it not too hard to pick up on the fact that she was never too sure about kids. I don't think she knew she was doing that, but it was fairly plain to me. So don't have a kid unless you BOTH really really want to.

implausible

OP, your other half sounds like a lovely man. You agreed not to have kids, but now that you are broody and are moving the goalposts, he is urging you to make up your mind and that he will be ok with it. He sounds like a reasonable and amenable man, who realises that things change. You, however, seem to be agonising, not over the implications for your future, but over changing your mind about the principle you made a decision on years ago.

And here's an important thing that will probably be accused of being sexist - a majority of women are hardwired to be broody, men aren't. Some men may look at a baby and go "ah, I'd love to have one of them", but they are not in the majority; most men are programmed to think and worry about the practicalities, not the soppy side. In my own case, I can safely say my own partner was never 'broody'. We have two kids now and with him and the deep affection for them (that I would have experienced from pregnancy) only really kicked in when they were a few months old. Your life changes, yes, but it pales in comparison to the joy that kids can bring.

You don't have time to waste, you have a loving supportive partner who will make a good father and are presumably in a stable place in your life, so I would advise you to get cracking!

December2012

You have the main thing - love for each other and a willingness to go down this path.

The stress of a new baby is an adaptation period, but it's not forever.

LegacyUser

I just want to thank you all so much. I had never spoken about this to anyone but him, and I had no perspective. I spent the last couple of years trying to logic it away and sweep it under the carpet. I kept telling myself it couldn't be proper broodiness, cos I wasn't crying myself to sleep for want of a baby like you hear some women do.

But to hear people say "Yes, you're broody, and whats more you need to decide" has given me a real land. It has crystallised things for me a lot.

I was in town today and the whole time I was walking around the shops I was thinking and thinking. I realised I had spent the last two years apologetic, feeling guilty. Making myself into a victim, in other words. I decided to stop being such a fecking victim. I'm broody. It is what it is. Its not my fault, and I needed to stop being such a drama queen about how "awful" it is.

So I went home and I said to him "I'm not going to feel guilty any more - I'm broody, and it hasn't gone away despite all my efforts. I don't think its going to go away". He said that I should never have felt guilty - people feel what they feel. I said I had suddenly realised that I was so focused on not ruining his future that I was at risk of ruining mine. I said I had to own what I want and I wanted to try for a child.

I was kinda shocked that I said that last bit - it came out of my mouth without planning it. He said that he was relieved I had decided. He stops being the bad guy. I asked him how he felt. He said "I've never changed, its true. But life changes. So I had this plan? So what? Are you not allowed change? And its OUR life, not just mine."

I started bawling. He said that maybe it'd be nice anyway. That maybe we'd have a Good kid rather than a Supermarket kid. That he'd probably be cracked about it regardless.

He said that his biggest fear of all throughout the last couple of years was that I was going to turn around in 10 yrs time and blame him for not having a child. That would have broken his heart. I said I would never have blamed him - I would have blamed myself for not having the balls to say what I want.

Obviously this is a smaller version of the conversation, which went on for ages. But he was so supportive throughout, you wouldn't believe it. And chilled, too. Not all tense and wierd. I think he'll be ok with this. He's a guy who likes decisions, and once he's decided something, thats IT. He suggested we start trying after Christmas.

I told him that another man would be all resentful and would have a right to be. He said very firmly: "I am NOT like other men!"

Anyway, we have a few months to let it sink in. I am flabbergasted. I posted last night all headwrecked. I never expected this to happen, literally overnight. You have all spared me another year of wrecking my own head. I'm so so grateful.

Chara1001

Hi OP,

I just want to say that I don't think you should feel as guilty as you clearly do.
Life changes, people change, situations change, mentality changes- and that's ok.

I emphatically didn't want children when I was younger, but I have a son now. Unplanned and a shock but I lived in the UK when I found out I was pregnant. I went to speak to a midwife who asked me 'if I was happy to continue with the pregnancy' and my reaction was nearly physical it was so definite. But I had a horrible home life but even so, i was going to continue with the pregnancy.

You're talking of children-the urge for them is hardwired into some of us. Whether you're sure you want them at 25 or 35, whatever it is that kickstarts your change of heart, there was always a possibility that you would change your mind and i'm 100% sure your husband knew this might arise at some time. You can't help it, its not your fault.

I agree with the sound advice you've been given about deciding. Don't be so hard on yourself- yes it will turn things upside down, and its extremely tough. However its way more rewarding (for me, i accept some people might regret it), and I'm a single mother.

If you're sure you do want them, and from your posts your husband doesn't seem to want to run for the hills. It really could be ok OP.

The very best of luck:)

strandroad

implausible wrote: »

OP, your other half sounds like a lovely man. You agreed not to have kids, but now that you are broody and are moving the goalposts, he is urging you to make up your mind and that he will be ok with it. He sounds like a reasonable and amenable man, who realises that things change. You, however, seem to be agonising, not over the implications for your future, but over changing your mind about the principle you made a decision on years ago.

I actually think OP's concerns are valid. I don't think it's good enough that one parent wants children and the other "doesn't mind them". He may come to love them or he may not. How is it good for a child to have a father who "doesn't mind" him/her? And that's the best scenario; worse scenarios may involve him growing apart from the family he never wanted for himself (and was truthful about it), leaving etc.

liquoriceall wrote: »

Hi there....I have never been in this situation but I would say Ive never heard of anyone regretting having a baby but plenty of people have regretted not having one.....good luck

It's a taboo to say otherwise.
It's one of those naive sayings that shouldn't really be repeated as they bring more harm than good.

Chara1001

But the balls have been left in the OP's court from her posts i'm reading it that he's leaving the decision to her. If he says he 'doesn't mind' thats not an absolute 'NO'. He's not threatening to leg it if she changes her mind and wants a baby.
I would expect someone who definitely and absolutely does not want kids to say that. End of story- not to say he 'doesn't mind'.
Whether he wants to coast along saying he doesn't mind (but really does) until time runs out, thats one thing but the op hasn't said that's the case.

Yes he's been truthful all along, but so was she, and now she's changing her mind, she's been truthful about that too. At least they're talking.

strandroad

I guess it just depends on whether OP is happy with a tag along father or whether she wants a committed, intentional father for her children. Personally I wouldn't be comfortable going into an arrangement where I feel it's all up to me and the other side can always (truthfully) say or even think "well, I never said I wanted them, have I".

Chara1001

Yeh that's the thing that's bothering me, if he really doesn't want them, I would expect him to be much more vocal about it. It would be a bit odd to leave the decision to her, so he can honestly say he never wanted them in the first place when difficulties arise- that would be cruel. And way too late

He can't really be a tag along father unless they split up. If they all live in the same place, it would be very difficult for him to keep the baby at a distance.
To me he doesn't seem so definite, more so anxious and unsure about what a future would be like with a child.

strandroad

Oh you can definitely be a tag along parent in the same household... I knew more than one couple where you could clearly see which parent wanted the child(ren), and which one was in it for the other one. I knew two reluctant mothers (more due to societal pressure though) who were reasonably caring but not really into it. One of them left the family and the country the year of her youngest child's leaving certificate. I knew a husband who allowed to be talked into having a baby by his wife, they split after two years I think. I'm sure they all had good intentions as they were decent people in general... but they never really wanted children *for themselves*. To trust that her husband will step up to the plate is a big bet to make.

Chara1001

Yeh and i've known more than a few people who didn't want kids step up to the plate completely after the babies were born and now who love them more than anything. There are two sides, i'm sure the op knows this.

we don't know what kind of dad her husband would make, and we could probably give loads of examples illustrating our points of view. However I think that him not being vociferously against the idea is a good start

December2012

Exactly. Not all of the good parents planned to be parents at all at the time!

implausible

Cookerygirl wrote: »

He said that he was relieved I had decided. He stops being the bad guy. I asked him how he felt. He said "I've never changed, its true. But life changes. So I had this plan? So what? Are you not allowed change? And its OUR life, not just mine."

I started bawling. He said that maybe it'd be nice anyway. That maybe we'd have a Good kid rather than a Supermarket kid. That he'd probably be cracked about it regardless.

He said that his biggest fear of all throughout the last couple of years was that I was going to turn around in 10 yrs time and blame him for not having a child. That would have broken his heart. I said I would never have blamed him - I would have blamed myself for not having the balls to say what I want.

Obviously this is a smaller version of the conversation, which went on for ages. But he was so supportive throughout, you wouldn't believe it. And chilled, too. Not all tense and wierd. I think he'll be ok with this. He's a guy who likes decisions, and once he's decided something, thats IT. He suggested we start trying after Christmas.

I told him that another man would be all resentful and would have a right to be. He said very firmly: "I am NOT like other men!"

That's great OP. I'll repeat what I said about him sounding like a lovely man.

One word of advice however on waiting until after Christmas - it can take some couples a long time to conceive and your age is beginning to go against you. Don't assume that you will start trying after Christmas and have a baby next year. On the other hand, bear in mind that once a woman stops taking the pill, her hormone levels can go through the roof and you could get pregnant almost immediately. Try to avoid putting a timetable on things - it's good practice for when you do have kids!!!!

tinkerbell

implausible wrote: »

That's great OP. I'll repeat what I said about him sounding like a lovely man.

One word of advice however on waiting until after Christmas - it can take some couples a long time to conceive and your age is beginning to go against you. Don't assume that you will start trying after Christmas and have a baby next year. On the other hand, bear in mind that once a woman stops taking the pill, her hormone levels can go through the roof and you could get pregnant almost immediately. Try to avoid putting a timetable on things - it's good practice for when you do have kids!!!!

Agree with this. OP, you're 40 - it may take you a long time to conceive. You should start now and not waste another six months. You don't have that luxury at your age. Buy a Clear Blue fertility monitor to help identify when you're ovulating.

LegacyUser

Oh I'm not 40 yet, its approaching but I'm not actually there! I'm actually just about to turn 39. That probably doesn't matter though, right? Old is old!

I realise that time is against me, but I think I need to let it sink in a bit first. His reaction was amazing (and he's been very chipper ever since) but its sudden, literally overnight, & I think its sensible to give him a few months to adjust. Its too much to go "I want a baby! And we need to start NOW!"

We can always revisit the timetable if it sinks in a bit quicker.

I fully intend to go to the fertility clinic in the hospital first as well. Just to see how the land lies for me gynae-wise. I have no previous issues, but I'm gonna get a full NCT & ask for all the help I can get. I suspect I'll need it.

Thank you again to all.

December2012

I agree on the ovulating monitoring - it's mad because you spend so long trying not to get pregnant you can assume once you're stopping contraception you'll get pregnant straight away!

But it doesn't always happen.

tatli_lokma

Cookerygirl wrote: »

Oh I'm not 40 yet, its approaching but I'm not actually there! I'm actually just about to turn 39. That probably doesn't matter though, right? Old is old!
....
I fully intend to go to the fertility clinic in the hospital first as well. Just to see how the land lies for me gynae-wise. I have no previous issues, but I'm gonna get a full NCT & ask for all the help I can get. I suspect I'll need it.

Thank you again to all.

Best of luck OP.

Just in relation to the above 2 comments you made, really 38 nearly 39 is already pushing the time available. I don't want to put more pressure on you but the average time it takes a couple without fertility issues to conceive is 6-9 months. By which stage you would be almost 40 giving birth to your first child and that itself comes with difficulties and challenges. Not least of which are birth defects. Eager as you are to have a family are you prepared for those possibilities? Will you and your husband cope with something like that? Or even a difficult pregnancy?

And if you have waited 2 years and are so eager, why do you still seem nervous to actually bite the bullet and get on with it?

If (please god there won't be) but if there are fertility issues being close to or over 40 limits your options somewhat. In addition most doctors will require you to have been trying for at least the 6 to 9 month time period without success before referring to to be fertility gynae. Even privately. So getting an NCT as you say is not straight forward either. They generally don't go investigating things unless there is some indication of a problem.


Someone else said your hormones can rocket when you stop using contraception, but it can also take up to a year for the effects of the pill to completely leave your system, it took 9 months for me. So if you are on the pill but still want to wait a while, I would say come off it immediately and use alternative contraception. The doctors will also want to know how long you have been off the pill when conducting tests, otherwise the results of many tests won't be of any use

But I really do wonder, if you are sure this is really what you want, why are you waiting another 6 months to get started? Sounds to me like you are still indecisive about it and still worried that your husband is not actually as on board as he says. And I can understand why, because suggesting you wait another 6 months before starting gives the iimpression that he isn't entirely convinced that you really know what you want and maybe over the next 6 months you will change your mind back again.

LegacyUser

I'm not on the pill. We use alternatives. But thanks for the advice.

ray giraffe

Just wanted to say that at 39 your fertility will be declining rapidly.

6 months could make all the difference.

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a6155/your-age-and-fertility

CaraMay

Well done op for 'coming out'... It's great your husband is on board and I really hope you are successful in trying to have a baby. Best of luck.

Btw I don't think there is any point wasting time absorbing your decision. You willhave 9 months to do that.

3DataModem

Good luck, and get cracking.

Jack B. Badd

OP, I'm going to go against the grain here - I think you're right to wait 6 months. On a permanent decision like this, I think you need time to let it sink in.

From my experience, I've always known I didn't want kids & knew for 10 years that I wanted to get my tubes tied. When I made the decision to go for the operation, I made the call and scheduled it for 6 months down the line so I had time to properly consider it while it was an actual event rather than just a potential one. Not sure if that makes sense, and it's not that I hadn't considered or researched it thoroughly beforehand, but basically I didn't want to end up with the equivalent of "buyer's remorse" because I rushed myself into taking action. That was a good strategy for me & I'd suggest it for anyone making a life-changing decision.

On the other hand, have you considered what you'll do if your or your husband's fertility mean you can't get pregnant? Are fostering or adoption options for you?

LegacyUser

Guys, whilst I know you all mean to be helpful, I don't feel that going "NOWWW!" is the best way to do it. I'm an intelligent educated woman who knows all the stats. It is stressful to wake up & see people essentially saying "If you don't make him try NOW you're probably f***ed"

This may well be true, but still. "Christmas" was an off-the-cuff idea whilst talking yesterday. It sounded good to both of us, to let the enormity of what we'd decided sink in. In two weeks time we may look at each other and go "What are we waiting for?" But I want that to happen organically, rather than from a starting position of tick-tock panic. I don't want to now feel panicky, after 2 years of feeling intermittently wobbly. I would ask you to respect that, even if you don't get it.

I do appreciate this thread enormously, without which I wouldn't be in this lovely time. Thank you to whoever suggested the Fertility Monitor - I'm going to get on that pronto.

Thanks again to all x

tinkerbell

Cookerygirl wrote: »

Guys, whilst I know you all mean to be helpful, I don't feel that going "NOWWW!" is the best way to do it. I'm an intelligent educated woman who knows all the stats. It is stressful to wake up & see people essentially saying "If you don't make him try NOW you're probably f***ed"

This may well be true, but still. "Christmas" was an off-the-cuff idea whilst talking yesterday. It sounded good to both of us, to let the enormity of what we'd decided sink in. In two weeks time we may look at each other and go "What are we waiting for?" But I want that to happen organically, rather than from a starting position of tick-tock panic. I don't want to now feel panicky, after 2 years of feeling intermittently wobbly. I would ask you to respect that, even if you don't get it.

I do appreciate this thread enormously, without which I wouldn't be in this lovely time. Thank you to whoever suggested the Fertility Monitor - I'm going to get on that pronto.

Thanks again to all x

OP, you came on asking for advice and people are trying to help you. Personally I think you're mad waiting another 6 months at your age when your fertility will be declining at a massive rate.

You say it's stressful to wake up to read comments on here that if you don't start now, you'll be in trouble. If you think that is stressful, well what's gonna happen if when you start you get negative test one month after another?

You say you are a well educated and intelligent woman. I'm not questioning that. However, I doubt you're educated in fertility as if you were, you would understand that waiting for this to just happen "organically" is not the best move at your age.

Nobody is suggesting you start to panic - you've made the decision so perhaps you should get on with things. It's not even the possibility of you taking longer to conceive, it's the risks associated with geriatric pregnancies (any pregnant woman over 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy) and all the increased risks of birth defects which increase at a massive rate when you are approaching 40. By that alone, you can surely understand that waiting 6 months is not a good idea. You've thought about it for 2 years so surely you're ready for it now.

At the end of the day, it's your decision so I will respect that and I wish you all the best and good luck.

PS I notice the comment a couple of posts previously about waiting 6 months for getting tubes tied. That is a completely different scenario and I think in that situation, the poster had the luxury of being able to wait 6 months extra.

YumCha

OP there's a difference between panic and urgency. No one is telling you to panic - but as many other people have pointed out, there are a number of factors which would require a sense of urgency here.

My initial response to your first post was to say that being indecisive about something for a long time is the same as deciding not to do it - as the outcomes are the same. As an observer - even though your words say a baby is what you want, your actions seem to indicate otherwise.

Jack B. Badd

tinkerbell wrote: »

PS I notice the comment a couple of posts previously about waiting 6 months for getting tubes tied. That is a completely different scenario and I think in that situation, the poster had the luxury of being able to wait 6 months extra.

Yep, I understand that I didn't have the same time constraints. However both scenarios are the same in one crucial aspect - they are permanent decisions that will seriously affect the rest of one's life. Given that, I don't think that rushing into action is a good idea. But that's just my experience & opinion & the OP is under no obligation to pay it any attention if it doesn't suit her.

Good luck OP.

implausible

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Yep, I understand that I didn't have the same time constraints. However both scenarios are the same in one crucial aspect - they are permanent decisions that will seriously affect the rest of one's life.

One is a decision that has a certain outcome; with the other decision, there are a huge amount of factors that make it uncertain.

tatli_lokma

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Yep, I understand that I didn't have the same time constraints. However both scenarios are the same in one crucial aspect - they are permanent decisions that will seriously affect the rest of one's life. Given that, I don't think that rushing into action is a good idea. But that's just my experience & opinion & the OP is under no obligation to pay it any attention if it doesn't suit her.

Good luck OP.

I think the fundamental difference in your case was certainty. You said you knew for 10 years. OP has been unable to be honest about what she wants for the last 2 years. She has now finally admitted her desire to be a mum and has a supportive partner.

You could wait 6 months because on the day of the op you knew it would be all done and dusted as soon as the operation was over. OP doesn't have that certainty.

After finally admitting what she wants, and having her partner agree if she discovers that conceiving is a problem (please god it won't be but it is a possibility) then those 6 months could have made a difference and even if they wouldn't have she will always beat herself up for waiting. As someone who was waiting for 'the right time' and then discovered there were fertility issues I rarely think of this issue without wishing I hadn't assumed I had time

A visit to the trying to conceive forum will give an insight into how many couples think they will have no problems and have plenty of time only to discover otherwise.

If having a baby is really what you want and you are sure of your decision you owe it to yourself and your baby not to delay unnecessarily.

On the other hand, if there are still doubts, and it sounds to me like there are, then waiting is probably for the best.

Bigdeadlydave

OP is right to wait a while at least, let it sink in for her husband and let him get his head around it for a couple of months at least

Big Bag of Chips

OP, as you have come to a decision and are not looking for anymore advice from this thread I will lock it so it doesn't turn into a debate between posters.

Congratulations on your "news" and I wish you and your husband every happiness. If at any stage you would like this thread reopened for further advice please contact any of the PI Mods who will be happy to oblige.

Take care.