Can't forgive my mother for staying in abusive relationship

LegacyUser

My gf is a regular poster on boards and she suggested that I post here to maybe get a bit of perspective or at least just get it off my chest. Sorry if it's very long.

Basically, I grew up as an only child in an extremely abusive household. My father would torture and beat my mother on a daily basis. I grew up absolutely terrified and my father would often beat me too. I would beg my mother to leave but she never did, she always made excuses (nowhere to go, no money etc). Although I know it wounded her to see me getting beaten, she never once stood in and tried to protect me, even though a good few of my beatings as a teenager were a result of stepping in to protect her when she was getting attacked.

I left when I was 16 and never looked back. No visits, no contact, nothing. Thankfully, a friend who had moved down the country asked his parents if I could stay and they were very good to me, helping me get my life together. I am eternally grateful to them.

I went to counselling a few years back and it helped an awful lot with my darker feelings. I no longer think about my father, I have worked through the hatred and anger I used to feel for him and now I feel nothing towards him. However, my mother is a different story. I know she was in an awful situation herself but I was the child. I feel like she never protected me. I feel abandoned by her. There were numerous occasions where different family members came and offered to help us but she refused, choosing to keep both herself and me in that woeful situation. Because of the trauma, I now have some problems with separation anxiety and trust in my own relationships, which I am slowly trying to work on.

I often wondered at different times in the last 13 years what became of my mother. Usually these feelings would haunt me around Xmas and birthdays, times when everyone else would be happy only serve to remind me further about the traumatic holidays I would spend locked in my bedroom.

I have never had any contact with her and have had little desire of it. I would be afraid that the only thing I would be able to ask her is WHY. I don't know if she's still with my father or not. The problem is, I bumped into a distant relative by chance recently and they told me that she wanted to make contact with me. The relative didn't elaborate any further or look for my reaction, it was more of a heads up just to warn me in case she did contact me. I'm a bit all over the place thinking about it since, I don't know if it would be a good idea to speak to her seeing as I have nothing good to say to her. My gf has been very good at listening but she had a very happy childhood and so cannot relate to any of this. Should I just ignore my mother if she turns up? Apart from anything else, I certainly have no intention of giving her another chance to be in my life full time.

Carlowgirl

Hi Op
Heres my two pence worth ... you r mother did not actually abuse but she allowed it to happen.. which is also very bad.. but im wondering why she allowed it to happen..
did she grow up in a home.. with abuse alcoholism.. etc... if so this problem probably felt normal to her.... ! I am not making excuses for her... not one bit.. just trying to throw out some options...
I have read some psychology self help books (I am by no means qualified in any area like this.. ) but I am aware and interested in how childhood affects how we choose our partners and the kind of relationship s we get into...
if you read .. "Women who love too much" for example.. it shows how.. some women with dysfunctional backgrounds will enter very unhealthy relationships.. not really because they love the man they think they do.. because he triggers something that feels like home to them.. the inner child in that person.. is trying to win a fight or battle they lost as a child.. be it trying to win the affection love of an alcoholic abusive or sometimes just emotionally absent parent...
Usually people leave these relationship s only to find another similar partner who they can try to win the fight for love with.. hope I don't sound too crazy it makes sense when you read the book. especially as a neutral.. !!!!

You only have one mother.. if she passed away how would you feel.. maybe she has had help or counselling for her issues... maybe she feels awful now..
I have an alcoholic relative whose partner tried to get physical one night.. and the alcoholic did not see any problem with this... she was so in love he couldn't do any wrong.. I am still hurt over that and she is not close family .. but I don't think I can talk to her until she does apologise... !!!
hope I ve made some bit of sense...
maybe you could ask relatives if she has changed or seeked help.. maybe you could talk to her and suggest she gets help... if she doesn't want to then cut her out for good.. just ask yourself if she passed away how would you really feel?

December2012

Yknow, it's really sad what happened to you.

You were the child and your mam should have protected you.

But a lot of abused women don't see that, I won't pretend to know why. I wonder if a domestic violence charity could help you, as an adult, explain why some women do this?

Have you ever talked to a counsellor or an advisor?

blatantrereg

If you don't find out why she wants to contact you it will probably continue to bother you. If you do contact her and express how you feel and hurt her, and that will bother you too. It's not like expressing how you feel is likely to get anywhere towards resolving anything or the like when she is still with him.
You could contact her and just decide not to express how you feel, adapting a formal kind of tone instead.

ahnow

I really feel for you OP, you've had it tough. Are you still seeing your counsellor? If not maybe get back in touch with them-they would be able to help you the best as they know the ins and outs of the situation much better than any of us, they could best help guide and support you.
Firsty, well done on all of the work you have done on yourself, it takes a lot of guts and hardship and tough times to be able to get as far as you have.
You've had such a traumatic time of it, I suppose there are a lot of things to consider first before you decide if you want to even see her or not. All the progress you made, would it set you back again, or worse re-traumatise you again? Or are you strong enough now that that would not happen?
Do you think she has changed or is she still with him? How would you feel about either of these possibilities? If she came to say sorry how would you feel?
Also, all these years have passed, you are no longer the abused child, but an adult with your own power, you could have your chance to say everything that you wanted to say to her, good or bad. Would it make you feel better, or worse? And any possible reaction that she would have to this, would it be beneficial to you?
There are an awful lot of things to consider. But ultimately you have to look out for your own mental health. You might find it helpful to ask the distant relative if she is still with him, you might be able to gage if she has changed, and the situation from that and go from there?
Best of luck OP, I hope things work out for you okay.

ivytwine

Hey OP

I think maybe you should go back to counselling with the specific purpose of dealing with this issue.

It's ok to be angry. Your parents are supposed to protect you. They did not. Your father committed abuse and your mother enabled it. No wonder your feelings are mixed, no wonder you're angry.

As well as more counselling maybe you should try and understand why people stay in abusive relationships. There's a fair bit of material out there.

Best of luck!

Lorna123

I am sure your mother felt helpless when you were growing up. It is all very well to say she should have left him but where would she go with a young child and no roof over her head. People might try and help but they would soon tire of having an extra mother and son to look out for under their roof. So your mother knew she had nowhere to go so just put up with the abuse hoping that in the future it would get sorted out. It must have been horrific for you as a child, but it was great that you found somewhere to go at 16.

You could meet your mother on neutral ground and just have a chat with her and see where this goes. You are now in the position that you don't ever have to go home so you can walk away from this meeting. Your mother could still be suffering and probably is, but at least you could help her to get out of this situation now. I know she didn't help you, but things were different then and she probably didn't know as much about how to help herself as people do today. She was living in fear and so this crippled her. I am sure her dearest wish is to see you again and probably apologize for the childhood that you had. She really isn't to blame for this as her hands were tied. There would be no harm in getting in touch with her and if you don't like how the meeting goes then you can distance yourself once more from her. At least you will have satisfied your need to see how she is.

Adrift

It's entirely possible your Mother has found some sense of clarity over the years, your leaving and not looking back may perhaps have triggered something, and if that was the case then maybe it could be worth talking to her.

As someone else suggested, I reckon seeing a counsellor to discuss any fears or anxieties you may have about this. It's a very difficult decision to make, you have been so strong to get to this point so the outcome may be that you'd prefer to proceed as you have been. I just think if you reason it out and discuss it with a counsellor you'll be able to make the best decision for you, the worst thing would be to do nothing or make a rash decision that could undo everything.

Beruthiel

ivytwine wrote: »

I think maybe you should go back to counselling with the specific purpose of dealing with this issue.

Do this.

A woman who is abused over a number of years is so downtrodden, so lacking in confidence, so lonely and desperate that she can feel there is no other option but to stay. That is incomprehensible to you and I.

As for her reason in wanting to see you, she's your mother and though it's difficult to see or understand, loves you in her own way and probably carrys an enormous amount of guilt for allowing your childhood be such a miserable one.

If you are on here asking what to do about this, then it is safe to assume that you are far from closure yet. You have not fully moved on from it.

This is about you and getting that closure.
Go talk to a professional so you can work out your next step in order to move on with your life.
Best of luck.

P. Breathnach

Why, when you were a young child and your father abused her, did you not actually manage to save your mother? Your answer, I expect, is that you did not have the physical or psychological strength that would be needed.

Your mother's inability to protect you was similar. It really was an inability rather than any form of neglect.

You need to get your head around the nature of domestic abuse. No matter how bad the bruising is, or even if there are broken bones or other severe injuries, the main impact on the victim is psychological rather than physical. The abuser seeks complete control of the victim, and usually gets it. Part of the pattern is that the victim does not see escape as a workable possibiliy, and believes that there is nowhere to go, nobody to help. You tell us that your mother was in that place.

The unfortunate woman was unable to protect you or herself.

As a result of abuse, she has lost any sense of control over her life. That's big. She has also lost her son. That might be even bigger.

I think she is entitled to a chance. I think also that you can't give her that chance unless you get the appropriate help. I make the same recommendation as Beruthiel. Talk to your counsellor first.

Chucky the tree

If you don't want to see her then don't. If she contacts you then tell her not to do it again. I wouldn't bother asking why etc, I don't see what good will come of it and I'm sure it's pretty likely you the answer will be the same as all the other times you mentioned. I wouldn't give her a chance to be in my life either after she did nothing to help.

kunst nugget

Chucky the tree wrote: »

If you don't want to see her then don't. If she contacts you then tell her not to do it again. I wouldn't bother asking why etc, I don't see what good will come of it and I'm sure it's pretty likely you the answer will be the same as all the other times you mentioned. I wouldn't give her a chance to be in my life either after she did nothing to help.

I don't think it's as simple as that. As Beruthiel has said the OP needs to find some sense of closure and until he does he's not going to be at peace with it no matter how logically he tries to work it out. Counselling would be the best option at the moment.

Adrift

If you don't want to see her then don't. If she contacts you then tell her not to do it again. I wouldn't bother asking why etc, I don't see what good will come of it and I'm sure it's pretty likely you the answer will be the same as all the other times you mentioned. I wouldn't give her a chance to be in my life either after she did nothing to help

Very black and white response and the issue is clearly littered with grey areas.

animum

i,

I have read your thread and I want to give my opinion. My father was abusive, to me, as I was not his biological daughter, my mom, brother and sister were ok. My mother used to sit and cry in her room, and I could hear her, just as she could hear me crying too. I will never forgive that. She left us behind with him and moved on with her new life.

I am now a mother myself, and from the moment I held my child I became a 'lioness' as I would call it. I don't believe and have never accepted the excuse that people think its the 'norm' and its acceptable for abuse to carry on, whether it happened to themselves or not.
Parents primary purpose is to protect and provide for their children, your mother and father failed, as terrible as that is. From what I can gather, you have overcome this, and seem to have developed into a decent human being. Your mothers attempt of contact is purely selfish reasons, to have peace with herself. Why give her that?

The way I look at it, I know how much it hurt, physically and emotionally, so how can you let it happen to a small innocent child, stand by and watch or listen? Maybe I am wired differently and I am more 'cold' than others. I would go with your gut, and if your gut is still angry, seeing her face wont diminish that anger. Why bring all that up again?

I hope you will be happy with whatever decision you make. best of luck.

username123

Hi OP,
My father was an aggressive bullying alcoholic and my mother was afraid of him and us kids suffered a lot watching her being bullied, being terrified ourselves and I went through a long period of time wondering why she had not left him, if not for herself, for us.

My parents are both dead now, so I dont have the same kinds of issues you have, wondering what happened or would it be worth getting back in touch for some closure or whatever, but I was estranged from both of my parents before they died (in an accident that was most likely caused when my father was drunk), and I never regretted the estrangement.

Unlike you I did not escape as a teenager and I stayed and suffered until my late 20s when things were so dysfunctional and so unbearable that I wanted to kill my father or myself - just to end the pain. Its possible that my continued exposure destroyed my mental health at that point to such an extent that when I did begin to heal, I did so without any regrets because the place I came from was so dark.

It took me a long time but I finally accepted that my mother stayed because she saw no other options. It doesnt matter what I can now see or what other people told her etc... What matters is that she thought staying in the situation was better despite the awfulness in it and that leaving was so frightening, such a big step into the unknown, that she simply couldnt do it - because she thought we would end up worse off. Better the devil you know eh? Of course there was more complexity, she loved my father, he loved her, the whole thing was very warped and toxic but they were both so wrapped up in their respective addictions (him to alcohol and her to him) that they couldnt see straight to what was the best thing to do for anyone else. So long as we were fed and watered with somewhere to sleep my mother thought that that was the best for us - she never thought about the emotional impacts of our situation.

Anyway, its a bit different for me because alcoholism was involved and I healed through going to Alanon which is group therapy for people affected by someone elses alcoholism. But the point is, I healed, and therapy was what helped me do that.

There is hope out there. You cannot change the past or how it affected you, but you can change how you feel about it now.

Neyite

OP, why not learn a little about domestic violence and the psychology behind it? What drives a person to abuse? What stops a victim from leaving? Usually in a physically violent relationship there is very likely to be financial abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, and sexual abuse. The beatings are only a little part of it.

Perhaps your mother was threatened that if she left, he would find her and kill her, or threatened your life. Maybe she had nowhere to go, or maybe she had to account for every single penny and could never build up an escape fund.

Yes, by staying, she enabled him. But Womens Aid recognise how hard it can be to have the courage to leave. They never try to demand a woman leaves her abusive partner because they recognise how complex it is. Please contact Womans Aid and see if you can have a chat with someone there. There is a good book by Lundy Bancroft called "why does he do that" and is often recommended on another forum to women in abusive relationships to help them understand the abusive dynamic.

You may never forgive your mother, but maybe in trying to understand a bit of what may have caused her to stay you might find some closure for you.

Mayboy

Hiya, I'm sorry to read of this - it sounds hard. I had a bit of a hard time too and it took years before I could even articulate what was wrong. What worked for me (and I am not a doctor or a mental health professional) was to go to a really excellent psychotherapist and work through unlocking all the difficulty - yes it was hard and it was painful but I have shed all the baggage now and my life is truly unrecognizable. I also went to counsellors x many types for years before this but really they only talked it up again. THe psychotherapist work with me with CBT and used a newish technique called EMDR to safely unlock trauma.

As to your relationship with your mum - I'd be interested in seeing how you would think/ feel about that if you did some good work with a psychotherapist and had some CBT - you might see it in a different light. Maybe, you are still 'the little kid' when you think about your mum but really you are a grown man and these things still exert a pull on us.

I wish you good luck - everyone deserves to be able to live life to the full despite the past. Let me know how you get on.

Systemic Risk

Someone close to me had a horrible upbringing from his father. His mother wasnt physically abused but was psychologically beat down. He had issues for years with what happened and suffered depression.

It wasnt until a councellor realised that his issue wasnt only with his father but with the fact that his mother did nothing to protect him. He made a lot of progress once he started dealing with that aspect of what happened with his councellor.

Im sorry for what happened to yo OP. I really hope you find closure on this issue. I dont know if you dealt with your issues with your mother through councelling but if you haven't it could be an option for someone to talk things through with.