Does he want to get married?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I are together almost 6 years. I am early thirties and he is mid-thirties. We have discussed getting married and having kids and we seem to be on the same page. We have even decided to get engaged before the end of this year, though admittedly that was more my suggestion than his. My problem is that sometimes I worry that he might not really want to marry me but is just going along with things. For example, last night when we climbed into bed I mentioned that I had stumbled across a great jewellers who could make a custom engagement ring at a great price. Instead of having any discussion about this, he just went completely silent and then went to sleep. He didn’t even say a ‘Oh that’s nice’ or ‘Let’s discuss this tomorrow’ – nothing! He just clammed up entirely, which I thought was strange because we’ve spoken about a custom ring before so it’s not like I was ruining a surprise he had planned or anything.

A lot of our friends have gotten engaged/ married in the last couple of years so naturally it’s been something that has come up in conversation. However he never seems to have any interest in discussing plans (where we might get married/ what kind of ceremony we might want etc) and I suppose deep down I wonder if he feels that marriage is something permanently in the future (‘yes I will marry you someday’), rather than something happening in the next year or two.

I’ve tried to discuss this with him several times, but each time he assures me we want the same things and he does want to marry me. I don’t want to be a nag about it but simultaneously it would be nice if he wanted to communicate about it a bit more. If I’m being very honest there is a voice at the back of my mind telling me that before we met he was in a 7 year relationship and I know they had also spoken about marriage; obviously it never happened. I think that’s a niggle (rational or otherwise) that is worrying me, although in fairness his ex was a girl he met in secondary school and it sounds like they grew apart as they grew up. I can relate to that as I was in a similar relationship previously.

Any suggestions on what to do? As I see it my options are either (a) try to discuss it with him again at the risk of being seen as ‘nagging’ him to get married, or (b) leave it alone for a while and see if he brings it up at some stage. Please help!

Neyite

Maybe he clammed up because he has been saving and has put a deposit on another ring already? Or maybe he is wondering why you are moving the goalposts on him.

You've discussed marriage. You have agreed that you will get engaged at the end of the year. So wait until then, and if there is no progress, then reassess your feelings on the matter.

heretochat

No expert on all things marriage but am just wondering is he a traditionalist at all?

I mean is he waiting to ask your father for his permission and getting the seal of approval before really getting into the planning etc.

Maybe he is just nervous of this step and wants to deal with that before feeling like he can discuss it?

Just a 2 cents worth from someone who knows very little about these matters..

CaraMay

I think you need to have a chat with him op. If your gut is telling you that he is just going along with it then you need to find our if that's true.

LegacyUser

There was an article in the Daily Mail in the last few days which asked "Are you a Slider or a Decider in your relationship?". Worth a read.

It's worrying, & to be frank, demeaning, to have to get someone to agree to get engaged to you, to have to convince them that you're worth getting engaged to.
But listen, it could go either way....
Pals of mine waited it out, some are still waiting& some are now married.
Pals of mine bailed on the LTR, some are stilll single, & some are now married to a different guy.
You know your bf best. You also know how much waiting you yourself can feasibly tolerate, emotionally& biologically. All I can advise is to observe your boyfriend carefully,& listen to your gut instinct. Sometimes actions- or lack thereof- speak louder than words.

meeeeh

He might be just bored by the organizational aspects of the wedding. I wouldn't mind getting married if somebody would organize the bloody thing for me but since my bf is just like me we are engaged for the last six or seven years and there is no wedding in sight. It might be that you'll have to do the hard work yourself but that doesn't necessary mean that he doesn't want to marry you.

Btw there is nothing demeaning in asking to be engaged. As long as the other person is honest with their opinions. What does it matter how it happened it matters that both feel the same.

LegacyUser

I think your boyfriend is telling you what you want to hear - we will get engaged at the end of the year.
To me this is a warning - he is happy being part of a couple but he needs to know that you are not willing to wait around for another 6 to 12 months for him to move your relationship on.

I would say to him I have noticed how you react when I mention getting engaged or married. You have told me this will happen some time in the future.
Ask him after being a couple for 6 years how long more do you expect me to stay with you when you continue to ignore the fact that I want to get engaged and married.
I would also say to him I am in my early 30's and I need to consider my future if you don't want to get married as I don't have forever to have a family. ( Some men need to be told this)

I would not stay with him unless he is positive when you mention the above. You better off walking away from a man who is commitment shy rather than wasting your time.
I have a friend who ended an 8 year relationship as he did not want marriage/kids. She is now married to another man and they have 2 children.

Sleepy

I'd say he's feeling badgered tbh. I'd suggest not discussing anything to do with engagements with him until the end of the year. If he hasn't proposed by then, he doesn't want to marry you.

If you keep on the same track, however, he's going to feel pressured into it and should he give into that pressure you're going to be wondering for the rest of the marriage if he only married you because you bullied him into it.

I'm afraid you just don't get to decide when a guy will propose to you, you can let him know that the answer would be yes if he asked but that's as far as you can go with regards to getting a proposal imo. The alternative of course, would be to propose to him.