Judgemental Friends (in relationships)

Est28

Hi everyone,
Just to set some context here I'm a 28 year old guy. I haven't been in a relationship in about a year. Now, of course it'd be nice to be in a relationship but I'm not some mess. I've learned a lot from past relationships and am quite content to wait for the right person to come along knowing the pitfalls of being in a relationship just to be in one. I've had oppertunities in the past year but they didn't feel right and I let them go. I do fairly ok with women but just don't want to get into something serious anymore unless I really feel something strongly for the girl.

I've begun to distance myself from most of my friends, the majority (all of them actually) are in relationships and found a few new single guy and girl friends to go out with. Of course they haven't taken it well but they pretty much cut me out of everything before this anyway since I didn't fit in with all their "couplesey" activities.

The last straw was one of the my female friends gave me a talking down that I am a "disaster" at my age going around doing the "single thing". This is a girl who threw herself desperately at one of the more timid guys in our group after being dumped by her previous BF and has since set about "moulding" him into the BF she wants. Most of the rest of the group are the same. At 26,27,28 it's like they all just gave up on what they were looking for and just settled for whatever came along. My old best friend has been with a girl for 2 years now who mistreats him horribly, takes all his money, embarrassed and berates him in public to get her way and just isn't a very nice person. I know the sort of girls he always liked and she couldn't be further from it. But he was awfully depressed about being single before they met and then he just clung to her.

The same could be said about my other friends. Their partners range from people who are grossly over-weight, do not take care of themselves, have no jobs of their own, no ambition or interests, people who just manipulate them or use them for their money and are just generally nasty and in general would be considered on the lower end of the chain shall we say. Most of these friends are all good people and I'd rate most of them as being attractive.

I know that sunds horribly judgemental of me. I know before anyone says it. Clearly they see something in these people but I knew all of these people for a long time beforehand and they ended up with people who they never previously considered for a second until they all seemed to just get fed up and depressed being single and just took whatever they felt they could get. Most of their partners are just so controlling and mean. When you see them together it doesn't even make sense... some good looking, fit guys who dress well, have good jobs, and a lot going for them are dating overweight, ugly girls with no jobs and just plain nasty are some of them.

Ok.... so I guess everyone has different priorities. They felt it best to just settle down and focus on other things instead of continuing to look for someone they deserve.

I'm just verbalizing how I feel. I in no way interfere or say anything mean towards them or their partners. I always make an effort to include them and am nice to my friends partners.

But here's my problem. They have just become so mean about me being single. They don't include me in anything but then seem offended that I'm not just sitting my the phone waiting for them not to call.
The fact that I go out and enjoy life and meet nice women makes them call me a disaster for not fitting into their model of settling down. But I feel I haven't found the person I'm willing to spend my life with. Maybe I have high standards, I don't know... but to me it's a huge decision and I won't just settle for any old person that happens to be around at the time. I want to settle down with someone I am crazy about, even if it takes that bit longer to meet them. This doesn't cut it for my friends though... they are mean and nasty about it, they cut me down at every chance about it. I'm just so fed up with it.

Esoteric_

You say your friends are mean and nasty about your lack of a long term partner, but your post has been extremely nasty about their choice of partner.

Of course, this could be bitterness at the way they've been treating you, but if any of how you feel has come across to your friends (unintentionally), it could make you look very bad in their eyes.

You're right not to just settle, but to assume your friends have is wrong. Just because somebody is overweight, or not what you'd call attractive, or doesn't have a job, doesn't make them a bad choice of partner. It makes them the wrong choice of partner for YOU, but your friends make their own choices and you should respect them.

They, of course, should also respect your choice not to settle for less than you want in a partner. If they make you feel this bad, surely it's time to move away from them? Friends shouldn't make you feel that bad. You could try make a jokey comment about how great it is being single ('Ah, sure we both know you're just jealous that I get a choice of women, while you're tied down '), and hope that sets them straight, or you could try talking to them openly about how their judgment of you makes you feel.

LegacyUser

single people have different priorities than coupled-up people, that's just a fact of life. so is thinking the grass is greener on your side of the fence. you're being just as judgemental about them as they are about you. but your post comes across as kind of mean whereas they seem to be just coming out and saying what they think - they've found someone in life, they're happy, maybe they just want to see you happy too? are either of ye right?

if their comments are getting to, say something. ''i'm not actually a mess at all, i'm just enjoying being single at the moment, thanks'' should suffice. keep saying it and they should get the message.

and on the flip side to that, you really shouldn't be so judgemental of other people's choice of partner. to judge someone on their appearance or looks or weight or whether they have a job or not is ugly in and of itself. if i met a single guy, no matter what he looked or dressed like, if he thought like that i'd find it a huge turn off.

Est28

But I already said in my first post... I was always nice to both my friends and their partners... I didn't judge or anything. If my friend had a new girl (or guy) I'd always try to make friends with them to make them feel welcome.

But the above has all come AFTER the fact... I don't mind who my friends want to date, that's their business.... but when they start giving me crap and acting superior then I started having a problem with it.
I mean, they have lectured me for being a disaster because I'm single and do the "single guy thing", no other reason. They seem to think I should be fitting their mold of settling down with them all but I just don't fit their model... so when someone starts dressing me down over my own choices then it's difficult to not start looking at what they have and start asking myself... well, what exactly am I missing out on? I've chosen to be single because I don't want what they have. Those people might be right for them... they just want to settle down and are not looking for a partner that fits their ideal... they want their ideal and then try to fit a partner into it.

I am the opposite. I COULD be in a relationship, I've had chances but I don't want to as I don't feel I've met the right one and would rather be single than go through a relationship I'm not truely 100% happy with.... but it doesn't sit with them... I SHOULD be settling down, not living the bachelors lifestyle.

Had they not started calling me out on it and cutting me out, I'd not have even thought about THEIR choices... but when they are acting superior like they are being grown ups by having relationships and I'm being a kid still then I have to ask myself... REALLY? Is what they have REALLY what I want? I mean, some of their partners seriously mistreat them, some are just plain unattractive, some are just not nice people to be around... they are quite manipulative... these guys were all quite low on self esteem before meeting these girls as they weren't having much luck with better girls so these types of girls swoop in an manipulate these guys with lower self esteem to be with them. I've seen it myself and I've had it done to me and I never want to go back there again. I am meeting and dating really great girls now and when I find the one I want to settle with, I will... but I haven't yet.

December2012

Yknow, lots of people are very hypocritical and just do not or will not see it.

If you are in their company again and they make a comment, you have every right to say "I don't judge your choices so don't judge mine", or even a "stfu it's nothing to do with you", or a "I'm happy as I am, if you're giving our advice give it to somebody who wants it".

It's not on to expect that a friend, coupled up or single, is available.

If you want them to stop judging you, you do have to stop judging them and their partners too, even if it is a considered opinion.

username123

People tend to be friends with people who they have things in common with. You say your friends are judgemental of your choices, and you are massively judgemental of theirs. Do you think any of your friends would consider you a true friend if they read your post and saw how little you think of them and their ability to make their own choices? They seem to feel the same way about you.

Maybe it's time to make some new friends, and form relationships where there is mutual self respect and acceptance rather than judgmental dismissal.

j72twr6f4e5ako

Est28 wrote: »

The last straw was one of the my female friends gave me a talking down that I am a "disaster" at my age going around doing the "single thing". This is a girl who threw herself desperately at one of the more timid guys in our group after being dumped by her previous BF and has since set about "moulding" him into the BF she wants.

I've not posted on this forum before but I read your post and wanted to reply. It seems to me that you have just outgrown these friendships. You have different world views. You are willing to wait to meet the right person before you have a relationship and in the meantime enjoy your life. The fact that your "friend" called you a "disaster" because of this speaks volumes about her attitude and view on relationships. The fact that you are not succumbing to the peer pressure to be in a relationship, any relationship, in my opinion, makes her uncomfortable.
The whole idea about doing the "single thing" is a nonsense to me. We are all ultimately single. We are born alone, we die alone. If you are not happy and comfortable being on your own then relating to another in a relationship is always going to come from a position of neediness.

Est28 wrote: »

This doesn't cut it for my friends though... they are mean and nasty about it, they cut me down at every chance about it. I'm just so fed up with it.

If these people are being so unpleasant to you about this can you really class them as friends? If they were happy in their lives they would not feel the need to be nasty to you about this. You stated that you are always pleasant to them and their partners. Don't you think you deserve for that to be reciprocated?

Friendships do change because we change and evolve as people. It's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is. What initially drew us together may change or no longer exist. Clinging to friendships that have run their course can cause no end of heartache. If I were you I would remember the good times with the old friends and move on. If you want to continue the friendships then you will have to be assertive and tell them that your love life is no longer up for discussion because it actually isn't any of their business. Stick to your guns, be your own person and live your own life. Good luck OP.

Est28

username123 wrote: »

People tend to be friends with people who they have things in common with. You say your friends are judgemental of your choices, and you are massively judgemental of theirs.

How many times must I type this OVER AND OVER AND OVER:
This only came up after they had ALREADY started dressing me down, calling me out on things, and making me feel like dirt.
Before that I had no issue with their partners, I always made them feel welcome as my friends were important to me and by transition so are their choice of partner.

But AFTER all this started THEY have forced me to compare what they have to what I have. I do not want to type of partners they have chosen, if anything it's a driving force for me to NOT WANT to settle with someone I'm not happy with. The bottom line is the majority of them are with people they never would have dated 2,3,4 years ago but just couldn't get who they wanted, gave up and wanted to settle. I just refuse to do that... but again... THEY forced the issue. I don't say this to their face... I don't act mean around them, quite the opposite... It was ONLY after they started dressing me down that they forced me to look at what they have like they are so superior but the reality is I just don't see it... but THEY forced this issue, it was never even on my mind before that.

username123

Est28 wrote: »

The bottom line is the majority of them are with people they never would have dated 2,3,4 years ago but just couldn't get who they wanted, gave up and wanted to settle.

How do you know this?

People often go for different "types" as they get older and a bit more mature. Most young girls would have little interest in a nice square gentleman who has a responsible job, but then this becomes desirable to a woman who wants to start a family with someone.

Perhaps you have matured at different rates and now they want different things from life than you. You are perfectly entitled to live the single life and enjoy it, just as they are perfectly entitled to settle down with people who you think are below par for them. Just because these people would not be your choice does not mean that they are the wrong choice for your friends.

Unfortunately at your age people do tend to couple up and there is generally a bit of a shake up where the couples are enjoying "comfy" coupley things and they look back at their single antics and those still indulging in that life and see it differently than the people still doing it. For some people there is an overall deeper more satisfying feeling to being in a relationship. For some people, they prefer to play the field because thats where they are at in life. Neither lifestyle is wrong, but all this judgementalism is not nice - for you or for them.

Youd be better off hanging around with people who enjoy the same things you do.

Dee01

Est28 wrote: »

How many times must I type this OVER AND OVER AND OVER:
This only came up after they had ALREADY started dressing me down, calling me out on things, and making me feel like dirt.
Before that I had no issue with their partners, I always made them feel welcome as my friends were important to me and by transition so are their choice of partner.

But AFTER all this started THEY have forced me to compare what they have to what I have. I do not want to type of partners they have chosen, if anything it's a driving force for me to NOT WANT to settle with someone I'm not happy with. The bottom line is the majority of them are with people they never would have dated 2,3,4 years ago but just couldn't get who they wanted, gave up and wanted to settle. I just refuse to do that... but again... THEY forced the issue. I don't say this to their face... I don't act mean around them, quite the opposite... It was ONLY after they started dressing me down that they forced me to look at what they have like they are so superior but the reality is I just don't see it... but THEY forced this issue, it was never even on my mind before that.

Your posts come across as very very angry. You have very strong negative opinions that you say have formed after a dressing down from a friends partner/friend. I personally do not form opinions after one specific action. My opinions are formed over a period of time. You say you thought positively off these people prior to this/these incidents. Why such a drastic change of opinion now if you liked and got on with these people for 2/3/4 years? This is why (I think - its only my opinion) you are being picked up as judgmental.

Perhaps you could integrate more with you new single friends and keep in touch to a lesser extent with the couples. Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

OP,

Im also a 28 year old male, with a lot of friends in relationships.

While I wouldnt get the overt judgemental crap you seem to be getting, there would be the odd insinuation. To be honest, that kind of stuff makes me smile, because I think it smacks of jealousy. That they don't like you being happy in your own skin and would be more comfortable if you would settle down etc. But while you don't they wonder are you living life like they should.

What I don't understand are your descriptions of your friends' partners. Why do you give a f*** and what difference does it make to you being happy being single? It does make me wonder are you slightly jealous of them being with someone, if not necessarily the girl in question.

If not rise above it, don't let them annoy you. Any comments they make like you have mentioned rebound, in a joking way, pointing out the benefits of being single as opposed to their relationships. But if it is too big a problem to enjoy their company anymore, the poster who wrote about outgrowing friends is on the money.

Est28

Dee01 wrote: »

Your posts come across as very very angry. You have very strong negative opinions that you say have formed after a dressing down from a friends partner/friend. I personally do not form opinions after one specific action. My opinions are formed over a period of time. You say you thought positively off these people prior to this/these incidents. Why such a drastic change of opinion now if you liked and got on with these people for 2/3/4 years? This is why (I think - its only my opinion) you are being picked up as judgmental.

Perhaps you could integrate more with you new single friends and keep in touch to a lesser extent with the couples. Good luck with it.

I got along with them because that is what I do. If a friend introduces me to a new boyfriend/girlfriend and they are going to be hanging out with us, I make the effort to make them feel welcome in the group. Other factors don't matter... if they are with my friend, they will be around us a lot from then on so I make the effort to be friendly towards them. The actual ins and outs of the relationship is not of consequence to me, that is between THEM.

BUT... as I have said in 3 posts now... these people confronted me and wanted me to look at them and be miserable because they believe they have it so much better... I was supposed to look at their partners and be envious... THEY got me to look at it like that by pushing the issue. And the truth is, I would not be happy with their partners... this lead to me wondering why THEY are with those people. Many of them are with their partners because they just can't handle being single at our age. It's as simple as that. I won't live my life that way. A major relationship is a big deal to me and I won't enter into one unless it's with the right person for me, for both my own good and the good of the other person.

This is why so many relationships fail. People settle because they are just sick of being single, my old best friend is like this. His girlfriend just stands out because from the start she was very manipulative and treated him badly, I addressed this one at the time but of course he chose her over my opinion so I should have kept my mouth shut but I thought I was doing it to help him. He seemed blinded by just the fact that he has a girlfriend... it doesn't matter to him that he's in a bad relationship.... and before anyone says it... THIS particular relationship is a VERY bad one. Not by my standards, anyones standards... I could write a book on all the cheating she's done, manipulation, money grabbing, berating him in public... but he is blind to it, he couldn't handle the previous 2 years of singledom... THAT is my point, isn't being single BETTER than a bad relationship? But they don't believe so.

The girl who called me a disaster told us years ago about all her life plans and marriage well before 30 was one of them. Her ex was a cool guy but he dumped her and she went bezerk... it didn't fit the mold because she couldn't be single at this point in her life so she flung herself at one of the timid guys in our group, she knew he didn't get many girls and was shy so he'd be easy to get if she just put it on a plate for him... and she did... but she was crazy about her ex... he was a good guy... this guy is just a replacement for her, yet she is looking to marry him just because she NEEDS to be married by 30. I don't think it matters who the guy is, she just can't NOT be married. How is that healthy? I find it nuts.

LegacyUser

op these bits of your post just scream out me, maybe it might be useful for you to re read them:

''these people confronted me and wanted me to look at them and be miserable because they believe they have it so much better... I was supposed to look at their partners and be envious...''

you are projecting YOUR feelings about relationships onto your friends there. come on now, you must be able to see that?

''This is why so many relationships fail. People settle because they are just sick of being single, my old best friend is like this.''

you look at the treatment of your mate by this girl and while you may not agree with it, he did choose her. maybe you don't see what goes on between them in private? maybe he's in an unhappy place with her? maybe a lot of things? the point is he's an adult and as such is entitled to go out with who he pleases. just as you are!

there's so much projection and anger in your posts i think previous posters have hit the nail on the head, if you're in such a different place in your life from that of these friends then maybe it's time you let nature take its course and move on to people you have more in common with. you don't talk highly of these people at all, so why are you hanging round with them and letting their opinions of you and your singledom bother you so much?

Est28

I don't hang around with them anymore.

I guess I am wrong then... looks like the majority of people here feel that the dressing downs they have been handing out (unprovoked) and cutting friends out of activities because they have more ambitions in life are totally right in doing so...!?!

I guess that's my answer... must be my problem wanting a better life for myself and actively making it happen. I guess I'll just live with it.

On people calling me jealous about them... I mean really? The whole point is I'm NOT jealous and can't figure out why they expect me to be... it's they who seem bitter about it, they see the life I'm living and regret being settled into a boring old plain life with a plain old partner.

I guess I got my answer here. That voiceofreasonhere actually thinks that my friend being in an abusive, manipulative relationship is better than him being single for now seems to suggest more people would disagree with me here than agree... which is fair enough, at least I get it now.

miamee

OP, I don't think they are right to treat you like that or dismiss your choices like that. Perhaps the outpouring of how you feel about their choices in your first post has coloured the perceptions of some people who may feel that you are attacking all couples.

You have as much right to be single as these friends have to be in a relationship (however crap you, as an outsider to the relationship, might think it is).

You have made a decision to stay single for now, for whatever reason they disagree with this. Let them off to do their coupley thing and you keep hanging round with your new friends. Even when you do meet and start going out with someone, I can't imagine that you'll suddenly want to hang out with these people again?

Best of luck.

gagiteebo

Wow some posters have been extremely harsh on you OP. For what it's worth I don't think you have anger issues. I think you're extremely frustrated at how you've been treated by your friends. So they don't approve of your lifestyle? Who cares! If it were me I'd sit them down and explain how you feel. If they're true friends they'll understand.
You may feel you've already outgrown them and that's okay too. Friendships change over time. As long as you're happy with your choices who is anyone else to judge you.
Your friends are all grown ups. If they choose tobe in relationships they're not entirely happy in that's their decision. Leave them at it.

Forever Hopeful

Hey Op,

For what its worth, I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm in my 40s and guess what - I'm single
People seriously cannot figure out why I am. I just say I didn't meet the right person. Yes, I had plenty of opportunities but it didn't feel right to me.
I actually had this conversation recently with my mother who's (understandably) pressuring me to find someone. I turned it on her and said - show me a relationship that works, that you think it healthy, that you envy?
My siblings are all married but she didn't mention them and I expected her to say her own. All she said was, I'm sure there are some out there.

People get into relationships for different reasons/motivations and that's ok. Your friend's reasons/motivations conflict with your own but it doesn't mean you are right and they are wrong. I've had friends who settled because they really wanted a family and we could see alarm bells going off everywhere. That's none of our business. Unless your friends are coming to you black and blue OR ask for your help, its none of your business.

At the same time, they're behaviour and comments towards you are infantile and backward. As other posters have said its more of a reflection on them than you.
Now when anyone asks me why I'm not coupled up, I just say why make one man miserable when I can make plenty happy

I know its frustrating but you know what you want and just ignore all the noise if you can.

CarMe

OP, from someone who has the same views as you in regards to being single unless really 100% about someone,

Do you think maybe they are giving you these little talks and "dressing downs" because you actually do come across as miserable or unhappy and they really do want to help, because I think you do sound quite angry and unhappy from your posts (which I do understand don't give a full picture)

LegacyUser

op if you don't hang around with them anymore then without being in any way glib about your original post, that's going to sort out their unwanted comments to you isn't it? and it's not as if i can't see where you're coming from, i really do. i just think you're causing yourself more upset by dwelling on it and looking for some sort of justification for your frustration when really all that needs to be done is everyone (them included!) stay out of everyone else's relationships, live and let live!

you thought that girl was wrong for your mate, you said it to him, he decided not to leave. he's an adult. that's his choice. you've made your feelings about her clear to him, and that's all you can do. you completly misrepresent what i meant in my post and while i don't appreciate it i understand it.

i've already gone though all that crap with my friends, and the funny thing i was the YOU in it with my friends, some had coupled up in their early 20's and mid 20's while i was still single and i too had to take all the comments. but you know what? you can either be mature and accepting of the fact that people change as they get older, or you can throw a fit because not everyone sees the world like you do.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I understand you not thinking your friends' partners are the ideal partners. If they were your ideal partner, surely you'd be going out with them!
It's funny, in that I have a number of close friends who are all married, and without exception, I would not like to be with any of their partners! And I don't fool myself into thinking that any of them go weak at the sight of my husband
But what I think of their partners (and they, mine) is irrelevant, because I am not in their relationship. Wouldn't it be awful if we were all the same, and we all fancied the same people.
I can't say if their relationships are as awful as you make out, or does it just look that way from your perspective. And, yes, some people "settle", but many don't. I find it hard to believe that in your group of friends EVERYONE has "settled". Like I said, you may not understand some/all of the relationships but that doesn't matter. The only people it should matter to, are the couple.
If your friends continue to make comments that you'd rather not hear, then tell them so. Maybe they are trying to 'help', maybe they are being condescending. But the only way to stop it, is by speaking up.

And like it or not, or whatever your explanation of provocation etc the way you speak about your friends is not very nice. If you think so little of them, their partners and relationships, maybe it is time to let that particular group of friends slide.

MagicMarker

Op, it sounds like you're better off without those friends, and it sounds like they're better off without you.

Est28

CarMe wrote: »

OP, from someone who has the same views as you in regards to being single unless really 100% about someone,

Do you think maybe they are giving you these little talks and "dressing downs" because you actually do come across as miserable or unhappy and they really do want to help, because I think you do sound quite angry and unhappy from your posts (which I do understand don't give a full picture)

Not at all.... sure, I've let it all out, my feeling on them this past while... in this post. I have, but it's a private medium to just get it off my chest as they have wound me up so much the last few months when they started it all.

I've always been a very happy and outgoing person. I mean, I won't sound conceited listing things out here but I'm a single young guy, great life, great career, I don't want for much, the women and (single) friends I currently know and meet are just so great. I don't have a problem meeting women. I have dated some really really great girls in terms of looks, ambitions, goals, careers...
I hold myself to a high standard. And I hold those I want to suround myself with to equally high standards which is why I've grown tired of these "friends".

I mean, I'm sorry if this will sound stuck up my own arse, I'm not meaning it that way, it's just to prove a point. I am going out on a date this weekend with a beautiful Spanish woman, she's a doctor. I mean, great looks, awesome personality when we met, really fun, has a little sarcastic tone like I do and she takes care of herself and is someone who like myself, has worked really really hard obviously in life to do what she does. I love that in someone... I just don't want to "settle" for for some girl I am not attracted to and has no ambition in life besides "get the ring and let yourself go"... and this is all I see around me...

People just get to a phase where they want to settle down and they do... but who with doesn't matter to them... if thats what they want... more power to them but forcing the same on me when it's not the life I want is just not a way to win my friendship over. If they are really happy with their lot, why can't they be happy with it and happy that I am happy in myself.

I mean, I have nothing against relationships... I'd love to be in a great relationship, but I'm not by my own choice for not having found the right one yet and I am very comfortable in my own skin and abilities that it doesn't phase me.

CarMe

A lot of what your saying is out of context and needlessly trying to prove yourself.
I wholeheartedly believe that your ambitious, attractive, successful yada yada yada but none of that actually matters in relation to the post.
The bottom line is that people are all different and the traits that are important to you ie. Attractive, goal getter, good figure etc might not the the main selling points to somebody else.

It's unfair for you presume your friends have settled and personally I find it hard to believe myself. Maybe they connected with their partners in ways that cannot to explained with bullet points, maybe the timid man with the outspoken girlfriend loves her because she moulded him and brought him out of his shell, maybe your friend with the woman who is grossly overweight as you put it, thinks she has a beautiful face or she makes him laugh.
I'm sorry but you cannot speak for them you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, unfortunately no matter how close a friend you are you're not privy to these little but oh so important snippets of a relationship.

Idle Passerby

I'll start with an unimportant observation. 26-28 years old seems quite young for all your friends to have 'settled' and for anyone to think you're being odd to still be single.

If these friends don't invite you to hang out with them anymore since they're busy doing coupley things, and you've found yourself other people that you can have fun with. Why does it matter if they're commenting on your single status?

Speaking as a slightly older person, Id take a 27 year old urging me to settle down and be normal with a big pinch of salt. Maybe they have all found the people they will spend their lives with, but still in their mid-late twenties, its a strong possibility these relationships will not be their last. There may yet come a day when you are the one with the serious relationship and some of them have gone back to the single life.

Life doesnt always turn out the way you map it, so continue enjoying your own life and forget about what other people think you should be doing.

Est28

CarMe wrote: »

A lot of what your saying is out of context and needlessly trying to prove yourself.
I wholeheartedly believe that your ambitious, attractive, successful yada yada yada but none of that actually matters in relation to the post.
The bottom line is that people are all different and the traits that are important to you ie. Attractive, goal getter, good figure etc might not the the main selling points to somebody else.

It's unfair for you presume your friends have settled and personally I find it hard to believe myself. Maybe they connected with their partners in ways that cannot to explained with bullet points, maybe the timid man with the outspoken girlfriend loves her because she moulded him and brought him out of his shell, maybe your friend with the woman who is grossly overweight as you put it, thinks she has a beautiful face or she makes him laugh.
I'm sorry but you cannot speak for them you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, unfortunately no matter how close a friend you are you're not privy to these little but oh so important snippets of a relationship.

Why do people nitpick and take everything out of context?
The reason I said those things (even after qualifying that I'm NOT trying to brag) is because a previous poster said that I must be a very negative person who is down and angry with everyone and that I am only jealous of what these people have..... so in an effort to explain my position further I added this. I'm not trying to brag but if it clarifies the point then thats why I said that stuff.
If wanting to make the best of life can only be described as "yada yada" then I have my answer right there.

Est28

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I'll start with an unimportant observation. 26-28 years old seems quite young for all your friends to have 'settled' and for anyone to think you're being odd to still be single.

If these friends don't invite you to hang out with them anymore since they're busy doing coupley things, and you've found yourself other people that you can have fun with. Why does it matter if they're commenting on your single status?

Speaking as a slightly older person, Id take a 27 year old urging me to settle down and be normal with a big pinch of salt. Maybe they have all found the people they will spend their lives with, but still in their mid-late twenties, its a strong possibility these relationships will not be their last. There may yet come a day when you are the one with the serious relationship and some of them have gone back to the single life.

Life doesnt always turn out the way you map it, so continue enjoying your own life and forget about what other people think you should be doing.

All very sensible! That's exactly my point. Some are married, some engaged and the rest are pretty much set for life as far as I can see it but it doesn't always work out that way in life. That's exactly my point... why settle down so fast unless it's right.

I have already given up on them and you're right it doesn't matter now, I just can't get their mindset is all. We are all late 20's which these days is quite young and there's so much ahead, I just don't want to be married if it's not with the right person at this age. I don't see anything wrong with it.

I just see them looking at me living the highlife (in their words) and either being jealous or whatever and trying to drag me down. You're right, they don't matter anymore, but what gives them the right!?!

As I've said over and over... they are clearly happy with their lot and it's not for me to decide for them...
It's also impossible to demonstrate the types of partners they have in a single post, but since someone asked me... yes, I believe they have settled for less than they deserve. These are all really good, well educated, good people who just gave up. I always held them in high regard until all this and believe they deserve a lot better than they have got. But so be it.... they should be allowed push it on me though!

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, Est28. Personal Issues is a board for seeking advice on, funnily enough "Personal Issues". I think you have gotten all the advice you are going to get from this thread. It is now in danger of turning into a general discussion, which is not what the Forum is for, so I think it's best of we leave it here.

Take care