My boyfriend is Impotent

LegacyUser

Hi all
Really need help/opinions on this.. I have been with by boyfriend for 4 years and no body
knows he is impotent. I feel like I have been living in a prison sometimes.
All by friends are having babies or one night stands and im watching on feeling like im on the outside.
You might say what are you doing with an impotent man but I did nt know he was impotent.
After we met we were dating for months before we tried. I thought the problem would go away , he went to the doctor , a hypnotherapist and now a counsellor but nothing seems to be working.
I have started seeing a councellor on my own . She agrees that my relationship seems other wise healthy and informed me that sex is not everything. I agree but I in my thirties, what if this problem is never sorted. I feel like my life has been put on hold waiting for it to be fixed.
We cant get engaged , buy a house have children or anything at the moment and for the near future. I know people will say to leave him.. but its just not that easy.. he means a lot to me , he is a good person and they don't come round every day. Other than that things are good.
To be honest ive thought about having an affair but I just couldn't justify it to myself or do it to him..
My counsellor seems to think his mother may have something to do with this problem but I just don't know ive never heard anything about this before...
Any advise needed / welcome.

daisybelle2008

OP, this doesn't appear to be something you can live with, so why should you?
You are not going to be counselled into shoving it under the carpet further.
Your frustration is going to get worse. Breaking up may be a catalyst for both of you.
You are not going to fix this for him and only going to drag yourself down trying to live with it. Surely you know what you have to do. Do any of your friends or family know?
Not saying its anyone's business but there must be a huge burden of stress and denial on you that you might even underestimate yourself. This is not sustainable.

daisybelle2008

And for Gods sake stop trying to figure out his 'mommy issues'. Think of yourself and whats right for you. Do what you need to do for yourself. Ultimately you may not be helping his situation playing the celibate girlfriend role. How many more years are you going to give over to that?

LegacyUser

Thanks for you reply...
I was very patient and understanding about it.. but your right I am not helping him playing the celibate girlfriend... its so hard im crying now writing this.. I know I have to make a decision and probably leave him.. and I love him so much .. he is my best friend...
no none of my friends or family know... everybody thinks we are "perfect".. and happy
@ that sometimes I think im so lucky but I feel like I have no connection with anyone.. its lonely and isolating.. I just don't know what to do!!!I know its not his fault and he cant help it and he is trying.. but im suffering from it too!

Meauldsegosha

OP do you have any kind of sex life? While your counsellor is right sex is not everything, it is an important part of a relationship. Has your boyfriend always been impotent? Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you feel?

December2012

Is he seeing a sex therapist? A urologist?

Merkin

What steps has HE taken to get this sorted?

seamus

Seems like nitpicking, but impotence is kind of an archaic catch-all for a situation where man can't get his wife pregnant. It could refer to hundreds of possible issues.

This seems to me to be erectile dysfunction you're referring to, which is a pretty big catch-all too, but it describes his issue better.

First off, I would change your counsellor. No, sex isn't everything, but a young person in a relationship without sex will only work when neither side has the desire for it. Where either party has the desire for sex, the relationship will fail. It's a fundamental social and biological need, your mental health will suffer without it.
Your counsellor should also not be making wild speculation as to what the possible cause of your boyfriend's condition is. She sounds like a complete gombeen - get a referral to a competent counsellor.

You need to sit down with him and tell him everything you've said in the OP. You know in yourself that if he cannot sort out this problem, then this relationship has no future. You presumably want children, and unless he can sort this out, that's never going to happen. As much as you like him now, over time you will resent him. Wwithout sex you will drift apart emotionally and physically until you're 55, childless and living in a house with someone you think has robbed you of your dreams.

It's ultimatum time; he sorts this out, or you're gone. It's a painful step to take, but over time you'll realise it's the right one.

BraziliaNZ

Has he tried viagra? I thought that was pretty much infallible?

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies. It means a lot.
To answer your questions... we used to be intimate but I have just given up now.. its just too disappointing for me... He has tried hypotherapy.. yes he has been to both a doctor and a urologist.. the urologist actually had the cheek to ask what was I doing to sort out the problem either way there was no physiological reason.. blood test.. hormone levels are normal etc...
I ve asked him was he always impotent he reckons he was but he was in denial.. he would have one night stands .. blame it on alchohol.. and avoid the woman like the plague after..

I love him . he is great in every other way and I know its not his fault... there is just something inside him he has nt dealt with ..
ive just hit rock bottom now.. im constantly crying.the last few days.. . I told him we need some space so I am making plans to go home for a few days.. he will be seeing his counsellor inbetween..
I don't agree with his sex therapist.. as she is not treating the root of the problem.. she also seems to put a lot of responsibility onto me...
My counsellor said he need s to see a trained psychosexual therapist that will deal with the root of the problem.. ..
Im just at rock bottom now... we were arguing/ talking it out last night and now we are both drained... tired and miserable... !!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing is ive been turned off him because of so many disappointments its like im protecting myself by rejecting him all the time..
I cant keep putting myself out there to be rejected and disappointed... !!!!
I know if I left him.. I d never meet a more genuine person and that's what kills me.. !!!
(I am not the easiest person either .. I have my own issues)

LegacyUser

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Has he tried viagra? I thought that was pretty much infallible?

Yes.. we have and it does work.. im sorry but do realise how unromantic it is .. waiting an hour for a tablet to work.. I feel like im on the clock... what if im not in the mood by the time it works? I feel I have to do it then.. Thank you for your reply yes it is an option. I made a point of banning them so he would be forced to sort out the problem... that was nearly 12 months ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sleepy

I'm sorry to point out the painfully obvious but how on earth do you expect him to perform if you ban the crutch he was prescribed by his doctor, refuse to listen to what your partners therapist says, reject him "all the time" and say you've been "turned off him"?

What he needs is understanding and patience and, in my non-medical opinion, a partner who's good, giving and game and you're simply too focused on your own issues to be that for him right now.

LegacyUser

After 4 years it obviously has become a huge issue for you both, and I can understand your frustration, but you do seem to have lost your sympathy and understanding for his situation. I suffered for years with vaginismus, and with any of the relationships I had during this time we were still very intimate, engaging in sexual activities as regularly as any couple, but not full sex. It's so important to keep that side of things going, so you have that connection. Instead, you both now feel rejected by the other. If he is seeing a specialist about the issue, it's important that you both follow the advice, but perhaps better would be if you went to see a relationship counsellor together. It seems like you have become detached from each other, instead of trying to sort the issue together.

lifeandtimes

Justfortoday12 wrote: »

Yes.. we have and it does work.. im sorry but do realise how unromantic it is .. waiting an hour for a tablet to work.. I feel like im on the clock... what if im not in the mood by the time it works? I feel I have to do it then.. Thank you for your reply yes it is an option. I made a point of banning them so he would be forced to sort out the problem... that was nearly 12 months ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow this really stood out to me

Your boyfriend has an issue that makes him feel emasculated and one of the way you both can achieve a sexual situation to completion you ban him from using it?

It is quite possible that this is a mental issue for you boyfriend and a good few "sessions" using the prescribed medication may give him the confidence boost he may need to get going.

I know for me with a new person it can be hard to "get going" straight away and sometimes needs time so this may be your answer.

I can understand the unromantic part of taking it but how about you both go out for a lovely dinner, he takes his medication when eating and by the time you are home he's ready to go and you are ready after him giving you a few moves or smooches in the taxi home like you are on a normal date? And who knows after a few times tell him you gave him the pill but really its not and see if he gets his guy to stand to attention after the date

Just a suggestion and i hope it both works out for you both

Dark Phoenix

4 years is a long time to be living a celibate life OP. I really feel for you.

You mentioned a few times that he is your best friend and I have to be blunt here - if you are at the stage where you have no sex life or sexual relationship to speak of well in fairness whats the difference between him and a platonic best friend? I can;t believe your councellors attitude that sex is not everything - its not everything but its a huge part of a loving relationship. Telling a young woman to essentially go without is a very archaic attitude for a professional to have!

What stood out for me in your original post was the comment "We cant get engaged , buy a house have children or anything at the moment and for the near future." - in essence you are saying you are putting everything on hold unless he can fix this issue. The problem there is it will no doubt be putting extra pressure on both of you- you because you will resent him as you will see this problem as denying you the things you want and he because he will feel that unless he can sort this out you are putting the relationship in limbo

it sounds like this is something that has effected him for years and if viagra is not for you and his therapy is not working then I think you have some big decisions to make. I can appreciate it is very hard to do but after four years you have to ask yourself how long this can keep going on. Are you willing to be in this same position in another four years when more friends have progressed to marraige and babies and home ownership?

LegacyUser

dont bite my head of, but is it possible that he could be gay but is in denial ?

December2012

Well I think that some of it is to do with you, given that you've banned Viagra.

Sex for me is not spontaneous, with two young children, and running a business we do deliberately try to make the time. It's still fun, loving and amazing and u don't feel under pressure.

How about some compromise here? How about some physical contact and affection that is non sexual?

A massage, cuddle, snuggling, kissing?

Will he use his fingers or mouth on you?

Do you have your own sex drive / body / confidence issues (it's as if you expect yourself to be sexy enough to make your boyfriend hard without use of any help)?

Starokan

You should never have banned the viagra, I had to take cialis (similar to viagra) once, I had come out of a long term relationship and a few months later I had begun another relationship , for some reason I could not maintain an erection , the doc suggested it could be some negative association with my other relationship ending, he prescribed the tablets , told me to take them and stop thinking about it, as it turned out I needed two and all was fine after that, whatever was causing it never occurred again but the fact that I could have got more if needed quiet possibly was a factor, it took away the pressure etc

If your boyfriends problem is psychological banning the one thing that worked for him was counter productive, id consider revisiting using it

Daisy M

When you said you banned the Viagra I started to think who ever was putting some of the blame on you had a point. Your partner went to the doctor got a treatment that worked and you banned it and told him to sort it out himself, this was very controlling and can not have helped matters at all.

Rather than waiting for the pill to work could you not have engaged in some form of intimacy.

Sleepy

Daisy M wrote: »

Rather than waiting for the pill to work could you not have engaged in some form of intimacy.

That's a good point actually: are you expecting him to be able to perform simply because you're prepared to have sex with him or are you engaging in any form of foreplay etc?

Honey-ec

I think people are being a little hard on the OP here. The man has been impotent his whole life, this isn't just a recent development. Viagra, while it allows him to perform, is doing nothing to address the root cause of his problem. Bearing that in mind, I can't really blame the OP for not wanting to use it as a long-term crutch. I'd liken it to someone with chronic headaches just popping painkillers all the time instead of going to see if it was something more serious.

OP, you need to decide if you are prepared to live in a sexless relationship any longer. That's really all there is to it, and, tbh, I commend you for sticking it out as long as you have. I know I wouldn't have been able for it. At the end of the day, a couple can have all the "intimacy" and foreplay in the world, but if one partner is still left longing for the full shebang and the other person is unable to give it to them, it's not going to work in the long run.

I'm not really sure what else either of you can do, tbh. Your partner already seems to have explored pretty much all the avenues he can, and if none of them have worked (bar Viagra, which I still think is treating the symptom rather than the cause of the problem), then that doesn't really leave you with a whole lot of options, I'm afraid.

Daisy M

Honey-ec wrote: »

I think people are being a little hard on the OP here. The man has been impotent his whole life, this isn't just a recent development. Viagra, while it allows him to perform, is doing nothing to address the root cause of his problem. Bearing that in mind, I can't really blame the OP for not wanting to use it as a long-term crutch. I'd liken it to someone with chronic headaches just popping painkillers all the time instead of going to see if it was something more serious.

.

I can see where you are coming from the ideal solution is to find the cause but it doesn't make sense to stop the treatment until a "cure" is found.
This is a strange thread, at first we were lead to believe that the op had never had intercourse with her partner and then it seems as though they did with the help of Viagra. Its very hard to give accurate advice when there are missing parts to the story.

m'lady

Speaking from being previously in a relationship where he wouldn't 'put out" and had every excuse in the book including blaming me but there was nothing physical wrong, I would try support your OH here, as its not his fault.. I understand how you are feeling but remember he's feeling worse. You say that's he's a great guy otherwise and maybe he might get through this with help?

Why on Earth would you ban him from using the thing that was actually helping? Seriously. You say it's unromantic 'cause you have to wait an hour.. well, you're looking at it completely the wrong way then. Make it romantic. Spend the time massaging each other, eating dinner, dancing, preforming foreplay, and a load of other ways to. The guy is feeling emasculated enough due to this, don't make it worse.

The guy has taken the steps to try and find out the root of the problem, so it's not like he's not taking any steps.

OP, sex doesn't have to be about just penetration. You can make foreplay absolutely amazing.

Mayboy

Hi,

Been here a little bit (as a guy). I suggest that the issue might be better discussed with a psychotherapist for your partner. I agree that counsellors are good for some situations but generally do not have an understanding of the depth of how the human brain works. In this case I think a psychotherapist might be useful.

Secondly, stick with the viagra - as other posters have said - at least enjoy the intimacy and manage the 'set up' by having dinner etc. The guys confidence is shredded so you got to help him along....


Thirdly, I mean this in the best way but I do get the sense that your thinking is a little catastrophic - no future plans etc......if you just live in the here and now, deal with the issue in the here and now then you might find that all the pressure leaves to some extent. Your logic seems to be pressure oriented - 'have an erection, on an ongoing basis or else we can't do x,y,z'...... One day at a time. You mention your friends - so what about your friends - are you living their life?

Hope this helps, good luck.

LegacyUser

Daisy M wrote: »

I can see where you are coming from the ideal solution is to find the cause but it doesn't make sense to stop the treatment until a "cure" is found.
This is a strange thread, at first we were lead to believe that the op had never had intercourse with her partner and then it seems as though they did with the help of Viagra. Its very hard to give accurate advice when there are missing parts to the story.

Hi Thank you for your reply.. and all the replies.. its nice to get different perspectives.. I can understand why people think I would be de masculating him as well.
Yes we used to use Viagra.. and it was actually great but I wanted to get to the root of the problem and thought he was too dependant on it... it s over a year since he has taken it..
Yes we are intimate in other ways.. sometimes.. but to be honest I think he likes the chase with me.. knowing I will reject him and he wont have to do anything. if that makes sense..
I have gone away for a few days.. and he is meeting me after the weekend.. we are going to go away and bring the tablets and see if we can start again..
He is gonna see a new psychotherapist.. so I feel I at least owe it to him to give it a go..
My only problem is I used to be so patient and understanding and when he lost his erection I would say .. it s ok ...etc but that is very hard after 4 years and now im showing my frustration...
I have thought about if he is gay and in denial... I don't know.. I don't see him looking at other men .. he doesn't watch porn of any kind.. (that I know of )... I can understand why people say im making it worse but it is very hard after 4 years.. !!! im not blowing my own trumpet but im not a bad looking girl.. i get offers any night i am out.. my friend told me all her boyfriends friends talk about me.. and yet i feel so lonely when she thinks she is complementing me because she has no clue what is going on!!!I am not interested in any other men anyway at the moment... it has crossed my mind having a one night stand but i know i couldn't do it... !!

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

I'm sorry to point out the painfully obvious but how on earth do you expect him to perform if you ban the crutch he was prescribed by his doctor, refuse to listen to what your partners therapist says, reject him "all the time" and say you've been "turned off him"?

What he needs is understanding and patience and, in my non-medical opinion, a partner who's good, giving and game and you're simply too focused on your own issues to be that for him right now.

Hi Thank you for your reply
I banned the Viagra because i felt he was getting too dependant on it and it was not solving the problem.. i though he might use it a couple of times.. get his confidence up and then he d be good to go .. but no.. he needs it all the time... i thought it might force him to sort it out..
I don't refuse to listen to the therapist but i feel shes gone down the wrong road.. she seems to think its because his in experienced but i think he is inexperienced because he is impotent. she didn't recognise that there could be issues with him...
A lot of his friends died when he was young.. in a tragedy.. and i feel myself that this could be the reason... or one of the reasons... for being scared of intimacy..
I think he needs to peel back the layers and see whats underneath.. instead of going to some woman that says.. "go home now and have sex and come back and tell me all about it next week"! That's the way i felt about her anyway. .. ..
I know im supposed to be patient and encouraging but its very hard after this length of time.. and i know the less patient i am the worse I am making it for him... and making him feel under more pressure..Catch 22 !

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

What steps has HE taken to get this sorted?

Doctor.. urologist.. over a thousand euros on hypnotherapy... sex therapist and hopefully now a psychosexual therapist... that will hopefully find the root of the problem and peel back the layers... !

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

I'm sorry to point out the painfully obvious but how on earth do you expect him to perform if you ban the crutch he was prescribed by his doctor, refuse to listen to what your partners therapist says, reject him "all the time" and say you've been "turned off him"?

What he needs is understanding and patience and, in my non-medical opinion, a partner who's good, giving and game and you're simply too focused on your own issues to be that for him right now.

What he needs is understanding and patience and, in my non-medical opinion, a partner who's good, giving and game and you're simply too focused on your own issues to be that for him right now.[/QUOTE]

i didn't always reject him.. obviously over the course of time.. I began to reject him.. because i was protecting myself from disappointment...
I am turned off sleeping with him due to 4 years of disappointment.. I ve really tried to be caring and understanding .. it didn't help.. and i feel im just frustrated now... with him.. i want him to take responsibility for it.. and deal it..
Maybe your right i am too focused on my own frustrations at the moment...
Thanks for your reply... i appreciate your honesty.. it s a tough one for me to call at the moment... !!

LegacyUser

female issues wrote: »

After 4 years it obviously has become a huge issue for you both, and I can understand your frustration, but you do seem to have lost your sympathy and understanding for his situation. I suffered for years with vaginismus, and with any of the relationships I had during this time we were still very intimate, engaging in sexual activities as regularly as any couple, but not full sex. It's so important to keep that side of things going, so you have that connection. Instead, you both now feel rejected by the other. If he is seeing a specialist about the issue, it's important that you both follow the advice, but perhaps better would be if you went to see a relationship counsellor together. It seems like you have become detached from each other, instead of trying to sort the issue together.

Thank you.. Did you find your partners understanding with your problem ?

LegacyUser

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Wow this really stood out to me

Your boyfriend has an issue that makes him feel emasculated and one of the way you both can achieve a sexual situation to completion you ban him from using it?

It is quite possible that this is a mental issue for you boyfriend and a good few "sessions" using the prescribed medication may give him the confidence boost he may need to get going.

I know for me with a new person it can be hard to "get going" straight away and sometimes needs time so this may be your answer.

I can understand the unromantic part of taking it but how about you both go out for a lovely dinner, he takes his medication when eating and by the time you are home he's ready to go and you are ready after him giving you a few moves or smooches in the taxi home like you are on a normal date? And who knows after a few times tell him you gave him the pill but really its not and see if he gets his guy to stand to attention after the date

Just a suggestion and i hope it both works out for you both

Ya he was taking them for ages.. i though a couple of goes would give him confidence but he needs them all the time... i feel under pressure when he takes them .. if you know what i mean..thank you for your suggestion x

LegacyUser

mytwopence wrote: »

dont bite my head of, but is it possible that he could be gay but is in denial ?

trust me thought about it.. asked him nicely if he has ever considered it .. not a nice thing to have to ask someone.. but after 4 years i felt entitled to..
He says he s not.. is it possible someone is gay and doesn't know.. if he is he is but i would like to know.. i don't see him looking at other men.. or watching any porn etc.. Are there signs to know if someone is gay..

OK. Woah.

You need to back off a lot. The fact that you keep pushing him, forcing him to not take the crutch he was given, making him change therapists, and getting frustrated is probably making it much much much worse for him. Yes, it affects you, but it's his issue and you need to let him try and sort it out. The more frustrated you get, the worse it will be for him.

seamus

Justfortoday12 wrote: »

Yes we used to use Viagra.. and it was actually great but I wanted to get to the root of the problem and thought he was too dependant on it... it s over a year since he has taken it..

But it works. I understand your issues with it being a crutch, but when someone needs a crutch, they don't just throw it away and start sprinting again, they slowly phase it out. Banning it outright is more likely to make his problem worse because all you're doing is showing him that he's completely useless without his crutch.

Yes we are intimate in other ways.. sometimes.. but to be honest I think he likes the chase with me.. knowing I will reject him and he wont have to do anything. if that makes sense..

Absolutely. And then he can say he made the effort, but you rejected him.

Clearly this has been going on so long now that it's become this passive-aggressive undercurrent in your relationship, the frustration causing blame to fly about everywhere.

My only problem is I used to be so patient and understanding and when he lost his erection I would say .. it s ok ...etc but that is very hard after 4 years and now im showing my frustration...

You need to treat it as a 3rd party. Something that is not his fault nor your fault. It's a 3rd wheel in your relationship that needs to be gotten rid of. If you get annoyed with him about it, that's counter-productive.

I think you're making the right move though in getting away, clearing your head and coming back and trying again, with the medication. Like others have said, it doesn't have to be "on the clock", there are plenty of other things you can do. Rather than deciding, "Pop a pill there, we're going to have sex in an hour" and then going off and doing the hoovering, make a game out of it. Give him the pill unexpectedly and then whenever it happens, it happens.
If you feel like you're on the clock, looking at your watch, asking, "have you got a boner yet", then you can be damn sure he feels just as bad about it as you do. It's not sexy or stimulating for either of you, so it doesn't create a desire to repeat it.

I have thought about if he is gay and in denial... I don't know.. I don't see him looking at other men .. he doesn't watch porn of any kind..

Most gay men have encounters with women in their younger years and are well able to get it up then. It's more complicated than being aroused by your partner, just the thought of sex can be enough. This does sound like straightforward ED. If he was gay, then he would still on occasion do it normally and be as passionate as you want him to be.

padz

its possible he could be asexual, i saw a young turks vid on youtube recently showin a study in asia found a large portion of men aged 18-24 had absolutely no interest in sex

i was tryin to find the exact vid (was a few wks back) but came across this article from a few years ago

http://www.abcsofattraction.com/community/eye-of-the-beholder-f14/20-of-japanese-men-are-not-interested-in-sex-t3236.html



another study from france in 2008 found....

'French women are engaging in sex from a younger age and more frequently than before,
while 20% of French men aged 18-24 years say they have no interest in sexual or romantic activity'

http://yourbrainonporn.com/l-20-french-men-aged-18-24-years-say-they-have-no-interest-sexual-or-romantic-activity-2008

Faith

I had been thinking "Oh, use viagra a few times and he'll get his confidence back on track", but the OP has said that's not what happened.

OP, you say he's always been impotent. Did he ever actually have sexual intercourse before you + viagra? Have you ever successfully had sex without using viagra? In terms of intimacy and foreplay, is there/was there a lot of that or was that always lacking too?

How is his actual sex drive? Does he have any? You say he doesn't have any interest in any type of porn. Does he masturbate?

Sorry for all the personal questions, but I'm trying to establish whether he has interest in sex on his own, whether he just has issues with the penetration part or whether he has no interest in sex full stop.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

OK. Woah.

You need to back off a lot. The fact that you keep pushing him, forcing him to not take the crutch he was given, making him change therapists, and getting frustrated is probably making it much much much worse for him. Yes, it affects you, but it's his issue and you need to let him try and sort it out. The more frustrated you get, the worse it will be for him.

Thanks for all the replies.. even those that are being hard on me are giving me good advise.. Im sorry I didn't write this sooner..
I used to separate him from the "problem" a few weeks ago my counsellor implied he is not taking enough responsibility for it. as it is usually me that makes suggests the treatments etc.. I don't really think it s a big deal as I know most women have to push men to these things. at least he did go.. but after she said it I felt resentment creeping up that all this time he may have been trying to put responsibility onto me.. I spoke to her after and she said it would be sub conscious if he was...
I ve told him he need s to sort this out.. im gonna take a step back from it.. we ll go back to the tablets and see what happens.. the only downfall there is is that I feel there is a clock ticking and if its not sorted soon I have to go... !!!
I hate the thought of a baby being conceived on Viagra if it ever did come to that !!

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

But it works. I understand your issues with it being a crutch, but when someone needs a crutch, they don't just throw it away and start sprinting again, they slowly phase it out. Banning it outright is more likely to make his problem worse because all you're doing is showing him that he's completely useless without his crutch.
Absolutely. And then he can say he made the effort, but you rejected him.

Clearly this has been going on so long now that it's become this passive-aggressive undercurrent in your relationship, the frustration causing blame to fly about everywhere.
You need to treat it as a 3rd party. Something that is not his fault nor your fault. It's a 3rd wheel in your relationship that needs to be gotten rid of. If you get annoyed with him about it, that's counter-productive.

I think you're making the right move though in getting away, clearing your head and coming back and trying again, with the medication. Like others have said, it doesn't have to be "on the clock", there are plenty of other things you can do. Rather than deciding, "Pop a pill there, we're going to have sex in an hour" and then going off and doing the hoovering, make a game out of it. Give him the pill unexpectedly and then whenever it happens, it happens.
If you feel like you're on the clock, looking at your watch, asking, "have you got a boner yet", then you can be damn sure he feels just as bad about it as you do. It's not sexy or stimulating for either of you, so it doesn't create a desire to repeat it.
Most gay men have encounters with women in their younger years and are well able to get it up then. It's more complicated than being aroused by your partner, just the thought of sex can be enough. This does sound like straightforward ED. If he was gay, then he would still on occasion do it normally and be as passionate as you want him to be.[/QUO

Thank you ... (to all of you actually so many to reply individually )...
I know a guy man and he never had sex with a woman.. he did have girlfriends in younger years.. but said the thought of sleeping with them was disgusting... anyway I don't think he is gay.. although he is thoughtful, reliable,, doestnt leave the toilet seat up.. irons his own clothes... (joke)
I know he feels bad about it.... I really understand and I know ive gotten a bit nasty in the last few weeks.. that is my frustration talking. part of me is screaming he must know what it is!!!!!!!!!!
Good advice to separate him from the problem.. im going to try do that again... !!!!

LegacyUser

padz wrote: »

its possible he could be asexual, i saw a young turks vid on youtube recently showin a study in asia found a large portion of men aged 18-24 had absolutely no interest in sex

i was tryin to find the exact vid (was a few wks back) but came across this article from a few years ago

http://www.abcsofattraction.com/community/eye-of-the-beholder-f14/20-of-japanese-men-are-not-interested-in-sex-t3236.html



another study from france in 2008 found....

'French women are engaging in sex from a younger age and more frequently than before,
while 20% of French men aged 18-24 years say they have no interest in sexual or romantic activity'

http://yourbrainonporn.com/l-20-french-men-aged-18-24-years-say-they-have-no-interest-sexual-or-romantic-activity-2008

Thank will have a look at that later... he does "seem" to have interest in sex...
I don't know if your aware of "dances" in relationships.. our dance is basically that he tries I reject... he s probably happy I reject.. I f I try make a move on him.. he loses his erection and it upsets his "dance".i.e the steps have changed!. that s my theory on it anyway.. !!!
I have friends that have one night stands.. and im thinking complete strangers can do it more than people in supposedly loving committed relationships !!!!!!

Green&Red

Justfortoday12 wrote: »

Yes.. we have and it does work.. im sorry but do realise how unromantic it is .. waiting an hour for a tablet to work.. I feel like im on the clock... what if im not in the mood by the time it works? I feel I have to do it then.. Thank you for your reply yes it is an option. I made a point of banning them so he would be forced to sort out the problem... that was nearly 12 months ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No harm to you but this sounds very selfish. It makes you uncomfortable so you ban it?? Beyond selfish IMO
So what if he takes it and then ur not in the mood, you dont have to go through with it or better yet come up with ways to get u in the mood.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

I had been thinking "Oh, use viagra a few times and he'll get his confidence back on track", but the OP has said that's not what happened.

OP, you say he's always been impotent. Did he ever actually have sexual intercourse before you + viagra? Have you ever successfully had sex without using viagra? In terms of intimacy and foreplay, is there/was there a lot of that or was that always lacking too?

How is his actual sex drive? Does he have any? You say he doesn't have any interest in any type of porn. Does he masturbate?

Sorry for all the personal questions, but I'm trying to establish whether he has interest in sex on his own, whether he just has issues with the penetration part or whether he has no interest in sex full stop.

Thanks .. the history that he tells me is that he has had mainly one night stands... he would start to have intercourse .. lose his erection and blame it on alchohol... avoid the girl.. when we started going out.. he said he thought it would work.. but it didn't... ..
He says he has had intercourse but not "proper" intercourse if that make sense.. more like quick drunken fumbles to be blunt...
His sex drive is hard to judge.. he was always up for it.. but then when I am he cant... he says he thinks about us constantly in work etc... i.e he fantasises I suppose..
it s maintaining an erection that is his problem...
I ve asked him about masterbating.. .. he admits to not doing it a lot... when he does.. he can reach climax .. he might lose his erection in between a couple of times but he can work it up again. the issues are clearly with sex.. in general...
he told me in a counselling session he feels nervous .. I was shocked to hear it because we know each other so well.....
To be honest and graphic.. when we used to try.. he had a face sometimes... that looked like he was trying to block out images or thought... like he was struggling... I ve said this in counselling.... as well

Boofle

I really feel for you OP - I hope ye can come to some resolution on this. Is there any chance he was sexually abused when he was younger?

Does he go to counselling by himself? Maybe there are stuff he's unwilling to say in front of you.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you may not like this, but the more I read your posts, the more I think the counsellor might be on to something.. I think you are partly to blame here.

If you are together 4 years, and this is such a huge issue in your relationship, why would you EVER reject him? You have made reference to it a number of times now, and I don't understand. Maybe I am misunderstanding you? Of course we are not always 'in the mood', but I would guess in a situation like yours that you have to just try that little bit harder. I am not for a minute suggesting you are solely to blame. This is obviously a very deep and complex issue for him with probably many, many contributing factors, but I do feel your attitude is one.

You don't want a baby who was conceived using Viagra? Why not? What difference would it make? You can't make any serious life plans until he gets to the root of this? Again, why?

Many couples for various reasons cannot conceive naturally, so they work around it to find a solution that WILL work.

You seem to have this "ideal" in your head of how things should work. And unless it works exactly like that, then it's not good enough. Life isn't perfect. Things get thrown at us all the time. I'm sorry to say but the life you want is not possible with your bf at the moment. So your options are - lower your expectations. If he needs Viagra, then you need to accept that. If you want a baby with him and Viagra is the only way to achieve that, then you need to accept that.

I am honestly wondering if you genuinely do want to move on in life with him? Options are available, ok they are not "ideal", but they ARE options, yet you have rejected everything suggested. Is it a case of life at the moment is "safe" for you? You know what can (or can't) happen, so no unexpected surprises for you. No having to face up to adult life, marriage, babies etc...

I'm not saying this is something you are consciously deciding, but if you honestly, genuinely wanted to move forward with your life, you would have found a way with some of the options that are available to you.

Instead you both seem to be going to your own counsellors happy to lay the blame at the other's feet.

Neither of you are solely to blame, but neither of you are blameless either. Maybe it's 4 years of frustration coming to a head now, but the time has come to decide. You (both) move forward, or you (both) admit defeat.

homemadecider

Justfortoday12 wrote: »

I don't know if your aware of "dances" in relationships.. our dance is basically that he tries I reject... he s probably happy I reject..

Wait... what? He tries it on with you regularly and you reject him? Why?

strandroad

OP I think that you're coming at it from a wrong angle entirely. Your partner has a treatable long term (possibly permanent) condition, it's not the end of the world. He needs meds, but that's it. His lifestyle adjustments are no different to what a person with diabetes might need to do, or a coeliac. He just needs to work around it but he can have a perfectly satisfying and enjoyable sex life. You can have babies, what's stopping you?

You seem to be fixated on things being perfect, and naturally. It's not how it works with such conditions. You ban tablets because you feel under pressure - think how much pressure you pile on him then. You expect him to spring back to normal after he uses them for a couple of times - you're setting yourself up for disappointment and him for humiliation. You find them unromantic - well most people have unromantic sex lives. Children, tiredness, shift work, housemates, thin walls, trying to conceive with fertility problems... Having to have an hour's worth of notice (or warmup) is only unromantic if you make it so. You actually sound a little princessy with all your demands and rejections. Your partner is not perfect, but he can be fine if you stop piling on the pressure and carting him from one therapist to another.

Go back on viagra full time, relax, have a good, enjoyable sex life, forget about the rest for a few months at least. Once you learn to enjoy it again you can try therapy again but approach it with the mindset that he may never have the original issue fixed. If he does, it's the icing on the cake, but you can still have the cake.

Dark Phoenix

if you don't reject him and you keep going does he end up not being able to perform in the end? If thats the case to be honest I can see why you might be rejecting him to avoid getting excited and then dissappointed but it sounds like it has now become a vicious circle.

Sleepy

I'm not quite sure how to put this but speaking purely from my own personal experience, women that take an active role in ensuring the guy is fully prepared for intercourse seem to be in the minority. There's a bit of an assumption that "well, I'm here, I'm not hideously ugly and I'm naked so let's go!" (men probably don't make life easy on ourselves with jokes like "how do you turn a man on? Show up naked, bring beer!") and, in fairness, 90% of the time that's all a man needs to get going: opportunity and a willing partner that he finds attractive.

Now think about how much focus there is in any sex ed about how a woman needs to be romanced, kissed, caressed, licked, sucked etc. before her body will be relaxed and aroused enough for her to enjoy sex. I don't think I've ever heard such advice given to women tbh and, again speaking purely from personal experience, most of the best sex I've had would have invovled both parties taking their time to make the other as aroused as possible before proceeding to the main course. I wouldn't know much amount Tantra but what I've read of the Kama Sutra and Tantric sex would seem to work along those lines too.

So, my suggestion? Have a few glasses of wine / <mod snip> / whatever relaxes ye both, assure him you don't mind if he doesn't manage to sustain an erection (and that he can finish you off in other ways if he can't), sit/lie him down and go to town on him. If he gets it up, keep going with what you're doing. Should you both want to try intercourse at some point, go with it and keep varying between penetrative sex and foreplay.

It might take a few goes to find your feet or get any results but I'd be surprised that if you didn't get some results if you mixed this approach with the viagra (so that it's a "plan B" or a safety net). Think about it: the hour before the pill kicks in doesn't have to be spent doing the hoovering, have non-penetrative fun for the hour beforehand or if that seems too much initially, half an hour. Keep clocks and watches out of the room and it'd amaze me if you kept that approach up, you wouldn't eventually find one of the pills kicking in post coitus. Let that happen a few times and I can't see you needing them again but I'd certainly steer clear of the "ban" approach.

Oryx

Is it that he only gets aroused when it seems that you don't want to? That if you're up for it thats not a turn on?

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

OP I think that you're coming at it from a wrong angle entirely. Your partner has a treatable long term (possibly permanent) condition, it's not the end of the world. He needs meds, but that's it. His lifestyle adjustments are no different to what a person with diabetes might need to do, or a coeliac. He just needs to work around it but he can have a perfectly satisfying and enjoyable sex life. You can have babies, what's stopping you?

You seem to be fixated on things being perfect, and naturally. It's not how it works with such conditions. You ban tablets because you feel under pressure - think how much pressure you pile on him then. You expect him to spring back to normal after he uses them for a couple of times - you're setting yourself up for disappointment and him for humiliation. You find them unromantic - well most people have unromantic sex lives. Children, tiredness, shift work, housemates, thin walls, trying to conceive with fertility problems... Having to have an hour's worth of notice (or warmup) is only unromantic if you make it so. You actually sound a little princessy with all your demands and rejections. Your partner is not perfect, but he can be fine if you stop piling on the pressure and carting him from one therapist to another.

Go back on viagra full time, relax, have a good, enjoyable sex life, forget about the rest for a few months at least. Once you learn to enjoy it again you can try therapy again but approach it with the mindset that he may never have the original issue fixed. If he does, it's the icing on the cake, but you can still have the cake.

hi I am taking all comments on board .. good and bad its nice to get mens perspectives.. I ve never talked about this with my friends so its nice to be able to discuss it even with strangers...
One girl told me before she was with a guy one night.. and he was impotent he went into the bathroom to use a pump and she ran away by the time he came out.. I was sitting there thinking how can I tell these people about "our problem"..
I am going to go back on the tablets .. see where it takes us.. try to relax a little more.. clear my head.. see how he gets on with psychotherapy when he starts the new therapy.. try go with the flow .. then see how it goes...
I suppose I do have an idea of a perfect world...
I know of and have been in other relationships where sex was great but the relationship was un healthy .. so that's half the reason I have committed to this...
Thank you for your advice.. I don't mind people being harsh on me .. cos it helps me to see things from his perspective... and how I might be de masculating him on top of everything.. its just an isolating lonely problem when I cant talk about it...

LegacyUser

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

if you don't reject him and you keep going does he end up not being able to perform in the end? If thats the case to be honest I can see why you might be rejecting him to avoid getting excited and then dissappointed but it sounds like it has now become a vicious circle.

Yes if I don't reject him.. he ends up not being able to perform anyway.. that is why I started rejecting him.. it just got so hard to keep being optimistic.. it s like sticking my hand in the fire and getting burned everytime .. yet have to keep doing expecting not to get burned the next time.. as time went on that s where we are now...
Yes its a viscous circle. thanks for your replyx