clubbing without your partner

LegacyUser

Hi,

So Im not trusting my thoughts lately. So I am going to put it to a wider public for advice. My partner and I have been together a few years and over the last few things have been rocky but we are working through them. Now, my partner has a single friend and they both go out to nightclubs together. They always say they keep themselves to themselves and don’t even really talk to anyone else. But each time I've gone out with them the single friend always is off chatting and flirting and ends up going home with someone. Im told that when that happens that my partner just dances and enjoys the music. Now, I don’t go clubbing on my own but do people. Am I being lied to. ?? Is it possible to go clubbing and not be looking to hook up ?

Toast4532

It's absolutely possible to go out clubbing and not hook up with anyone. I am with my boyfriend two years this week and he has gone clubbing with his friends a few times and it's never been a problem.

Has your partner given you any reason not to believe him/her? Just because their friend ends up with someone, doesn't mean your partner ends up with anyone and doesn't mean the flirt.

If your partner has never given you reason not to trust them, or to doubt them, then I wouldn't start to mistrust them, if you start mistrusting them it causes trouble, unnecessarily and can cause you to break up.

If you have trust issues, would you consider getting some counselling for them? It's better to deal with them now, than let them fester and cause more trouble/anxiety for you.

LegacyUser

my partner has been unfaithful in the recent past, never physical (or so I'm told) but was found out organizing to meet up with someone but was caught before anything happened.

December2012

Of course it's possible.

ibarelycare

whatyouthinks wrote: »

my partner has been unfaithful in the recent past, never physical (or so I'm told) but was found out organizing to meet up with someone but was caught before anything happened.

Yes it's possible to go out to a club and not look to hook up with someone, but your partner has proven themselves to be untrustworthy in the past so I think it's understandable that you might be worried. Why don't you suggest that you and a couple of your friends start joining them on their nights out?

Chucky the tree

whatyouthinks wrote: »

my partner has been unfaithful in the recent past, never physical (or so I'm told) but was found out organizing to meet up with someone but was caught before anything happened.

Why are you still with her?

Toast4532

whatyouthinks wrote: »

my partner has been unfaithful in the recent past, never physical (or so I'm told) but was found out organizing to meet up with someone but was caught before anything happened.

Was she unfaithful to you or an ex partner? I'm just curious when you say "or so I'm told".

ibarelycare wrote: »

Yes it's possible to go out to a club and not look to hook up with someone, but your partner has proven themselves to be untrustworthy in the past so I think it's understandable that you might be worried. Why don't you suggest that you and a couple of your friends start joining them on their nights out?

I think IBC's suggestion of arranging is spot on. It might help put your mind at ease, but then again, if you/your friends are around, your partner might behave herself, it's when she's not around that's the problem.

It's a hard one op, would you consider couples counselling? Or even counselling on your own to help with any issues?

NeonCookies

My boyfriend hates clubs so he never comes clubbing. It's never been an issue for us. I actually go out with a single friend quite a lot too, and she may start chatting to someone but then I just chat too! She'd never go home with a guy and leave me on my own anyway, but we're both friendly and social. She does hook up with guys regularly when we're out in a group (maybe this is what happens when you are there with your girlfriend, the friend is more able to leave with someone), but when it's just the two of us it's all more PG!

It's all to do with her attitude to it - if she's secretive about what went on then maybe there's something up, especially considering her history. The morning after I've been clubbing, I'll start telling my partner everything that's happened including things like "God, was chatting to this guy last night and he said...." or "Uuugh, my friend started kissing a guy, I just had to stand there awkwardly and chat to his friends!" and we'll have a laugh together about it. My motto is "If I feel uncomfortable telling him about it, don't do it!" If you feel like your partner's holding something back, she probably is!

So basically, yes it's possible to go clubbing and not want to hook up with someone. And it's possible to go clubbing with a single friend, and not get pulled into cheating or hooking up with someone. However, the trust issues you have over her recent history though are something that need to be looked at with your partner (I wouldn't blame you at all for feeling suspicious given that information)

blatantrereg

Yes plenty of people go clubbing to socialise or dance without wanting to hook up.

However I think your gf is at least looking for inappropriate attention from other guys and probably indulging in some level of petting with them.

This view is largely based on taking what you say about her trying to arrange a date with someone at face value. That's a very deliberate form of cheating, assuming it was a date that she was arranging. Hanging around a nightclub by yourself is not typical behavior for someone in a relationship anyway though.

Best off just dumping someone who is trying to date other people behind your back. Just not having anything physical happen doesn't mean it's something you should accept or think it won't destroy your relationship. It's far more deliberate than a random drunken snog might be for example. You can't trust her and therefore you can't have a relationship with her.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I suppose from my side I needed to know if I was being unreasonable in saying that I felt clubbing without your partner could just lead to cheating.

NeonCookies -- sounds like the exact situation my partner finds herself in. I suppose I was annoyed because she told me no chatting of flirting goes on but when I do go out its plan to see that cant be the situation. She has said , like you, that she does find herself chatting to guys because her friend is off with someone.

I suppose my problem with that is if the role was reversed and it was me and a single friend and I was chatting to girls to fill the the time, it would not be tolerated at all.
I dont mind talking to someone but coming home and telling me she spoke to no one just got me more suspicious.

NeonCookies

whatyouthinks wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I suppose from my side I needed to know if I was being unreasonable in saying that I felt clubbing without your partner could just lead to cheating.

NeonCookies -- sounds like the exact situation my partner finds herself in. I suppose I was annoyed because she told me no chatting of flirting goes on but when I do go out its plan to see that cant be the situation. She has said , like you, that she does find herself chatting to guys because her friend is off with someone.

I suppose my problem with that is if the role was reversed and it was me and a single friend and I was chatting to girls to fill the the time, it would not be tolerated at all.
I dont mind talking to someone but coming home and telling me she spoke to no one just got me more suspicious.

Yea, I can see why you'd be suspicious if she's keeping stuff from you.

I think the bigger issue here is the recent unfaithfulness you mentioned earlier. This clearly hasn't been dealt with, and now you're paying attention to everything she does more closely (maybe before it happened you never paid much attention to her clubbing activities!) because you don't trust her anymore. Organizing to meet up with someone is a much bigger issue than a random flirt in a club.. just make sure you're not focusing on the wrong issue here. If she's worth it, she should be able to work with you to rebuild the trust again.

Starokan

Trust your partner unless you have a reason not to and nothing indicates that you have anything to worry about

People change and relationships change the persons in them, what went on before she met you is irrelevant

Trying to stop her going clubbing would be disastrous long term as its controlling behaviour.

Let her enjoy her nights out but make time so that you both have nights out too

corklad12

It is possible. It just depends on the persons morals.

Das Kissen

OP end it. She organised to meet up with someone ffs!

I'd wager she cheats on you when she goes out quite a bit.