Looking Out For Friend or Meddling?

LegacyUser

My best friend for over 10 years (we are 25 yrs old) has been going out with a man for the last four months.

He entered our social circle through my ex boyfriend. He has a history of severe mental illness and when unwell, suffers from psychosis. He does not treat his illness properly but self medicates with booze and psychedelic drugs which, needless to say, can send him over the edge. He is a ticking time bomb. My ex has only just managed to cut him off after suffering years of violent and possessive behaviour.

This man had previously slept with another of our friends, and during this time, his now girlfriend warned our friend away from him due to his unstable nature and some pretty horrific stories that my ex boyfriend told us about his behaviour and his character. Without going into too much detail, there has been a murder in his family, people have been glassed in the face and himself and his brother left their home place and moved to Ireland about 10 years ago to escape what people knew of them in their home town.

He had been pursuing my best friend for about a month prior to them hooking up. They hooked up after a three day bender so were both obviously not in an optimum mental state.

Now, I'm all for giving people a chance and not letting what I hear of their previous conduct effect my perception of them as a person, but this guy is bad news. He is dangerous.

My friend is now spending most of her free time in Dublin with him and comes home to work. I rarely see her anymore as her weekends appear to be for partying hard and during the week, she works 12 hour shifts. She does not tell me much about the relationship as I made my feelings about it clear from the get go. Neither myself, nor any other friend from home l goes out in Dublin. In essence, she is off the radar and keeping company of a dangerous man.

I am worried about her. She is a beautiful girl who could have her pick of men. He went AWOL for two days recently, during which time he was supposed to be coming to meet her parents. She said she was going to break up with him for that but got back with him as there was a group holiday booked with her new social circle and she felt that she could not attend in any other capacity other than as his girlfriend.

I have heard reports through my ex boyfriend of instances at parties where he has been screaming at her so hard that her hair was moving with the force, her locking herself into rooms and he staying outside for hours shouting at her. I heard it was because she went outside for a cigarette with another man.

I met her during the week and she told me that they had had a fight but did not volunteer any of the above. I didn't tell her I knew.

I am good friends with her entire family. I met her older sister yesterday and told her what I knew. I felt that I had a duty to do so. She is not telling her family any of this and we have both seen a big change in her recently. Her life appears to be a constant cycle of sessioning, she has become withdrawn and only wants to spend time with her new social group.

So I don't know what to do. I don't want to adopt a mothering role here. She is old enough and bold enough to do her own thing and learn her own lessons. But I am worried. I have a few connections with people in the group she is now hanging out with. I know that a number of them dislike him also and do not want him around.

I was thinking of getting in touch with one of them, expressing my concerns and asking them to keep me updated. Am I meddling? Do I just steer clear of this altogether and risk something bad happening to my friend? Worst case scenario she ends up dead. Best case....she realises that she does not need him to be included in this social group and breaks up with him.

What would you do?

Carriexx

I think she needs you to be just there for her. If you get too involved you will prob lose her and she'll have no one to turn to if something happens. We've all been with men we shouldn't be, but i think we need to realise this ourselves

Neyite

It sounds like he is bad news. Furthermore, it sounds like he is abusive - verbally, emotionally, so may escalate to physically.

Its hard to stand on the sidelines when someone you care about is in an abusive relationship. You see how they are manipulated into staying and you see their self esteem erode over time. But, by distancing yourself it plays into the abusers hands- they want to isolate their partner. She needs to know that you are always a friend, even if there are lapses in communication or contact. That you would welcome her with open arms if she surprised you on your doorstep. She might need that someday.

You wont convince her to leave until she wants to do it herself. And she may want to leave for a while before being brave enough to do so. And she might waver if she did leave and go back to him. Your job as a support is to be there for her during that process.

Would you consider reading up on domestic abuse? Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is a book often mentioned by women who have came out the far side of DV and have found the book was instrumental in reshaping their thinking on the relationship, and they recommend it to women who are currently in that situation.