Relationship Decline

LegacyUser

Hi,

So I'll try and keep this as brief as possible and any comment or advice would be really appreciated.

So I met a girl from another country a few years back, conincidently prior to moving to a neighbouring country soon after she left, so we had a thing here briefly (like a week) before she had to go home, but kept in touch on the pretence that we would like to explore where it goes, as we both liked each other a lot, and as I would be moving over there, it seemed to make sense.

So it was about 4 or 5 months after she left that I went over, during this time we talked at first maybe every other day, exchanging emails and stuff, and it got to the stage where we would instants message chat pretty much every day as well as sending a few emails back and forth during the day, sharing pictures etc.

Soon before I got over there we decided to officially confirm that we are in a relationship.

So when I got over there everything went great, literally off the plane, into each others arms, we were like best friends, strong attraction between us, we wined and dined, went to nice places etc. and sex life was extremely good.

Unfortunately, whilst I was over there I came to learn that whilst we were apart for those 4 or 5 months, she had slept with a number of guys on nights out, had gone out on dates (and whilst getting ready for dates she would also be chatting to me on instant message etc. and then say she had to go on night out or whatever - but it was a date) and she even was briefly seeing a guy not long before I went over, but it didn't work out - then went on maybe 3 or 4 dates, but then it fizzled out or whatever...

So this really hurt me a lot, I don't know exact dates etc. and didn't want to push the subject too much, but I'm just wondering, how would other people feel about this? I mean assuming it was whilst we were chatting and before we had "officially" called ourselves a couple, then is that all fair game and I shouldn't feel any sense of hurt or betrayle over it?

That first part is kind of setting the scene for the second part, where I / we are now.

I've never really gotten over that, I know maybe "technically" she didn't cheat, but I just kind of got the impression that she had quite a permiscuos past (before she met me) but also had behaved this way after she met me, it just made me feel like I was cheated on, even if it's probably not fair to call it cheating, but either way, it really hurt me. She also knows this.

But it kind of placed a sense of mistrust in me since then.

Anyway, we both moved back to Ireland together and I genuinely love her a lot and I know she loves me a lot too, and since she was making the commitment to move her entire life here permanently, I wanted to show an equal leap of faith and commitment, by proposing to her. In retrospect, I don't know if that was in haste, or if it was the right timing to do it, but since then our relationship in general has kind of reached a grind, like a rut, our sex life came from being frequent and quite adventurous to now it's like sex once a month maybe, and pretty standard routine sex at that. Is that normal? I've never been in a relationship for this long, and she says she has just lost her sex drive / the mood, I get shot down when attempting to start things quite a lot, and then got to the point of not even trying any more at which point sexless period could stretch as long as 6 weeks - and because of this lack of intimacy, I feel like we became astranged physically from each other, so I feel kind of awkward when having sex with her now, like is she just doing this to get it out of the way as it's been so long, does she even enjoy it...it's kind of sad, but I don't know how to deal with that. I'm not going to lie, it does kind of make me a bit bitter also if she had quite a permiscuous past and also whilst we were getting together she was seeing and presumably having sex with other guys, but I'm the sucker who committed his life to her and gets to look forward to a pot noodle and a **** most nights (haha, sorry..but you know what I mean)

So onto the final part of this, now she is back in her country and her and her friends went to some event, performers they've all loved since their school days, and ended up meeting the band and hanging out with them all night and two of her friends hooked up with band members and pretty much every night she's home they're out partying and of her friends who are engaged, they'll go out, but usually not for the whole night, but of course, my girl is last one standing, like she just doesn't know when or how to stop and gets drunk to the point of stumbling around and she mentioned / let slip today that OBVIOUSLY I have nothing to worry about with her hooking up with other guys (I brought this up, as sometimes I express my concerns) but she said especially not with x and y around, and she let out how she feels frustrated that they dominate the attention - both from her other single friends, but also from herself, as she would like to get male attention and feel pretty etc. - this just kind of unnerved me...

So, permiscuos past, wont have sex with me, drinks until she can't drink any more (which takes a major effort) and until she's completely blacked out drunk, and she seems to now crave male attention...

I'm in trouble here, amn't I?

It's not like she's a "party girl" but she seems to revert to that when at home with her friends, and it kind of feels really disrespectful but also like maybe that's the life she wants...not to be engaged and settled or whatever, she wants to go out on sh*t shows and get wasted and have random hookups and whatever.

Who the fu*k knows, maybe she even already has?!? I would never find out and she knows that, which is also unnerving. I'm basically at the mercy of trusting a blacked out drunk girl looking for attention as my future wife...

Perhaps I'm sensationalising all of this, maybe I'm reading it wrong, but maybe other posters would like to comment on my situation or even offer advice? I'm not sure the question I'm asking, just expressing how this whole thing makes me feel ill and there's no one I want to discuss such private matters with that I know for fear of looking like a fool.

Brussels Sprout

Sounds like a lot of read lights there OP. You actually sound like you're torturing yourself by being with this girl. You say yourself that the best time was in the very beginning but you've subsequently found out that that whole period wasn't exactly how you thought it was at the time. In other words you're hoping in vain that the relationship can hit the heights of a time that was actually an illusion.

I think you'd be a lot happier in the long run moving on from this relationship OP.

tinkerbell

Agree with the above, too many warning signs flashing here. Regarding wanting attention from other men to feel pretty, that's messed up. I'm with my husband for many years and if we go out on a night out, the last thing I want is another guy trying to chat me up because I am not interested. If you're happy in your relationship, you wouldn't want attention from other men at all.

I also think it's pretty disrespectful that she went on a night out where her friends ended up hooking up with band members tbh ... And that she's out on the town every night she's home - i just find that really weird. I think you're best getting rid OP, sounds like you're not happy, and life's too short to waste it on someone like her.