In love n just discovered he seriously ill

moreconfused79

Hi. Everyone,
I have been here before and thank u so much for your wonderful support and advice I'm the past. I'm a very private person so I'm sorry I must seem as an unknown.
I am a 32 old woman that has had my fair share of ups n downs. Ive only ever wanted commitments and have done my best on this being engaged n Lmost engaged too. I've had my time to myself as well as short term relationships so I think it's fair to say I have tried it all lol!
In a nut shell I hope I don't look or act my age n about 2 weeks ago I met a guy who is 7 years younger than me. Immediately we had a great laugh he has worked abroad n is way mature for his age, and addmidly Im prob a little immature for mine lol! After a week of brilliance n not getting enough of one another he told me he he has cancer back after d all clear and is undergoing stem cell and chemo. He is a huge healthy looking lad n no one wud think it. After all I've been through I don't fall in love easily but after few days before I knew any of this I knew I liked him. In the mean time he wanted me to meet his parents n meet my friends n couldn't do enough or me, everything seemed ideal except elephant in corner which he kept dismissing as him being fine.
In last few days he suddenly been very sick, he in for chemo and d future is unsure fir him. I went to see him n he has been short, dismissive n frankly a little rude last few days. I can't imagine what he is going through n I certainly am not mixing up liking someone with pity. I want more than anything for him o be better n be the person I knew 2weks ago but even at that if he gets better there is talk of him going back to Canada. Hey says he won't if he meets right person but it a littler too early for me to ask that!!
I'm not a teenager n know what love is n isn't by now . I know he going through hell at the mo but when I visit n his family dont it's hard to deal with his coolness. Maybe he is pushing me away but I'm mad about him n don't know what to do. If anyone has ever felt like this or been in a similar situation I'd love to hear from you, thanks so much in advance.

SV

You've known him for 2 weeks and you're worried about this chap pushing you away? and there's talk about him going back to Canada?

do yourself a favour, walk away.

Taltos

OP - welcome to PI/RI, genuinely hope you get some help here.
Can I ask you though to have a quick look at our charter before posting again, text speak is strictly prohibited. Repeated use will result in us closing this thread.

Thanks
Taltos

username123

I think it would be best for you to back off. You have known him 2 weeks, it's just inappropriate for you to be the person around him during such a serious illness. You don't have a relationship, after 2 weeks this is just someone you might have liked to have a relationship with. To continue from this point would be starting a relationship on an unequal footing, you seeing him as a victim and feeling pity. It's not going to be a relationship of equals.

I'm sorry but after just 2 weeks its better for you to walk away from the romantic side of this, for both of your sakes.

Stavro Mueller

In last few days he suddenly been very sick, he in for chemo and the future is unsure for him. I went to see him and he has been short, dismissive and frankly a little rude last few days. I can't imagine what he is going through and I certainly am not mixing up liking someone with pity. I want more than anything for him to be better and be the person I knew 2 weeks ago but even at that if he gets better there is talk of him going back to Canada. Hey says he won't if he meets right person but it a little too early for me to ask that!!

Leaving aside the issue of you being so full on after only knowing him for two weeks, I think you are underestimating the impact of the cancer on this poor guy. I mean, going from being given the all-clear to now falling very ill and facing into an uncertain future is an awful lot for anyone to take in. I suspect his priority at this stage is to try and get through this latest round of treatment. You and your fledgling romance have been bumped down the list of priorities.

(I changed the text speak in your post because it made it very hard to read)

Lorna123

He is very sick and it doesn't do his ego any good for you to see him like this. So he might prefer if you didn't visit him. Send him stuff if you like but don't visit him again unless he requests it. I hope he gets through this.

fungun

Crikey, you know him 2 weeks, he is having chemo and you give out that he has been "frankly a little rude" last few days.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to realise that his priority has to be his health, not you. And to be a bit miffed about this is pretty immature (in a bad way, not the good way)

ElleEm

OP you certainly seem very full on, saying you're "in love" when you know him two weeks.

He has bigger issues right now, and you needing to come to an online forum to get advice on how to manage his attitude is a bit much... he has cancer and is getting a really horrendous treatment for it. Leave him be! It seems like you want more than what he is able to give right now. If I was in your position, I would be wishing him well, and backing off. He needs to concentrate on his health, and should be surrounded by friends and family during this time. It is certainly not appropriate to have you hanging around. You barely know him!

She Who Dares Wins

Def back off unless the requests otherwise. Its unfair to expect anything of someone in this position and you couldnt possibly expect to be on his list of priorities now, most likely lots of stuff and people who have been in his life for a very long time wont even be on his list.

Send him a message saying that you understand that he needs to put his energy into himself right now and that if he wants to stay in touch you'd like that and if he doesnt then that's fine too and that he should feel free to contact you at any stage if he likes.

Then leave it at that.

Big Bag of Chips

He is very sick and undergoing treatment that is very heavy, and going to make him feel very tired and very unwell.

I don't know about you, but I know if I'm feeling a bit under the weather it can make me a bit grumpy. I don't want people bothering me and I just want to br left to myself until I come round.. and I'm only talking about having something like a bad headcold.

Can you not understand how he can't be available to you at the moment? To reassure you that the relationship is going to be ok etc. When he is feeling so sick he probably has only a handful of people that he wants to see. Maybe his parents and 1 friend. Because these are the people who know him best and expect nothing from him.

You are expecting too much, and yes, looking for him to be polite and chatty to you right now, is asking too much.

Back off. Tell him you will be there if he needs anything, but you understand that right now he needs space and time to get himself right.

Believe it or not... This is not about you.

Meauldsegosha

OP my dad had cancer and went through chemo. And I can tell you it is physically and emotionally draining. My dad snapped at us, when we went to visit him he would ask us to leave after 10 minutes as he was so tired. Cancer affects not just the person who has it but their family and friends. For you to complain that he was rude to you shows that you have no understanding of what he is going through and, as you say yourself, shows your immaturity.

You have only known him 2 weeks and although you like him and think you are in love, I don't believe you have the emotional connection or the strength to deal with what he is going through.

Neyite

OP, have you met any of his friends /family in the two weeks you've known him? Did you meet online? Was it in the hospital you visited him, or at home?

The cynic in me wonders at the speed of his diagnosis, especially in this country. In your second week of knowing him, he has received his diagnosis, has had chemotherapy and stem cell therapy - and stem cell would require tissue matching. Even as a private patient, and even for an agressive form of cancer, thats pretty impressive.

And, far from a medical professional am I, but I find it hard to get my head around the chemo being used alongside stem cell treatment. Stem cell treatment is to regrow and regenerate what has been damaged by chemo, so it makes sense to have this treatment following the chemo, not during it. Otherwise the chemo is destroying the healthy cells that the stem-cell treatment is providing.

CathyMoran

Wow, this is a tough one. I am a cancer survivor but when I was diagnosed it made a very long term relationship that was going through changes stronger (we married 2 weeks post chemo). He has to focus on himself, he is understandably not going to be in the best of form and will be petrified. You have every reason to walk away and do not need to feel guilty but if you do decide to stay with him it will be a very tough journey. I do not remember most of my chemo, I was petrified a lot of the time, moody and did push people away. Think seriously of how tough it could get if you stay.

thefeatheredcat

I agree with all the other posts and imo you're not showing him a lot of understanding or putting yourself in his position to get a better understanding. I don't get the impression you're taking his cancer that seriously tbh and are more focused on taking issue on what is not personal such as being cool or distant towards you. If someone was seriously ill and was short with me or wasn't keen on me hanging around, I wouldn't take it personally, I'd actually explain it away as they feel crap about being in hospital, in their situation and they feel crap in general.

With anyone seriously ill, they need someone who is going to understand there's bad days, it comes with the territory, it's not personal and it's not about you. If you want to be in a relationship long term you have to be able to show that understanding in the bad times and not take issue with it. Realise that cancer is a reality for him, it's part of his life for now, and that the bad days when he isn't in the best form are part of that.

If you're questioning and feeling insecure about him being cool and distant while undergoing treatment, you either need to do the above, or to end things before you're both in too deep. The last thing I would think he would need is someone playing a rock to him, only to be a pillar of sand, unable to handle the bad days, and only in it for the good days.

moreconfused79

Thanks so much for all your responses, I never meant to annoy anyone by what I use as shorthand. Thank you all for your personal inputs, it means so much that you took the time to be so personal and intimate. I am so very sorry for anyone who has been through the heartache I refer to, whether themselves or someone they love. You are so brave and selfless to be here trying to help others, and thank you so so much. For anyone undergoing treatment or looking at someone they loves who is, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Since i was here last he texted day after I visited to say he sorry he needs to be alone and he feels like crap. I responded to say I respect that but I here if he wants. I heard nothing back apart from thanks. four days later I can't stop thinking of him n i texted to say that he in my thoughts and I hope he is as best as he can be but no response.

Two weeks ago I was his world he wanted to get place together but now he won't respond to my messages.

I know he feels awful and just wants his parents and a few friends.. I need him to know ill wait for him and support him no matter how hard it is . This is not about me, I know he feels so sick I can't imagine how bad it is alone in this heat. I want him to have the realationship he said he had with me to live for now.

I want him to know ill wait for him. I don't care how long or hard that road may be. I have sent a feeler text, but nothing. How can I show him ill wait? Not an hour of any day goes by without me thinking of him. I'm a professional myself and I'm not stupid. I know the reality of this. He appears to have cut himself off completely, facebook etc.

He was more into this relationship than I before he got very very sick. I tried saying how I feel which I'm sure to him must seem like a girl who pitied him as opposed to would do anything for him.

Is he best left alone or shud I persist to try to show Im here no matter what the future holds , I know if I was him which I would want to hear.

Thanks so much

Meauldsegosha

I think he has made his feelings perfectly clear. He hasn't responded to your texts. To be blunt, he doesn't want you in his life. Leave him alone now he needs all his strength to fight his illness.

Don't wait for him, move on with your life.

CathyMoran

The treatments will make him incredibly sick - when I was having chemo I had one or two good days in the 4 week cycle that was chemo for me. I would give him space but send him the odd text every few weeks. At the moment he is not in the position to have a relationship.

Oryx

Don't contact him again. You sound completely obsessed with him which after only two weeks is not healthy. You need to distract yourself and find something else to focus on. You are not in love, you are caught up in the exciting first flush of meeting someone. And to be blunt, not only is this guy not on the same page, he's not even in the same book. Leave him alone and let him deal with his illness.

Stavro Mueller

moreconfused79 wrote: »

Since i was here last he texted day after I visited to say he sorry he needs to be alone and he feels like crap. I responded to say I respect that but I here if he wants. I heard nothing back apart from thanks.

This is where you pull back. He has told you he needs to be alone and feels like crap. We can't know whether being left alone applies to just you or to people in general. You know he read your text and knows that you are there if he wants. The ball is in his court now - it's up to him to get back in touch.

Sending him more texts is like hammering a nail into a piece of wood with a few taps, then repeatedly whacking the wood even though the nail is in place.

LegacyUser

You can't possibly be in love with this guy; you don't know him. He has imtimated/told you repeatedly to back off, so you should respect that - especially as he is so ill. I cannot believe that you are talking about him being rude, and still going after him, against his wishes. This would be not a good thing to do if he wasn't sick; but really, when he is so ill, all you are doing is crowding him and increasing his stress. Back off OP. it's the only decent thing to do, it's not about you.

_Whimsical_

I think you have made your feelings very very clear to him already and in turn he has made his feelings very clear. It's possible that the two weeks you spent together were actually a stressful time for him if he was worried about his illness reoccurring, he might have been ploughing all his energy into distracting himself with you. Whatever it was I don't think that period reflected his true feelings for you. It's disappointing but it would appear to be the case from what youve described.


If you care about him and want to support him it has to be completely on his terms. Do as he wants and just leave him be. He knows you're there if he wants to contact you again.Get on with your life and presume that he won't though.

Chara1001

I agree op.

I don't think it could be any clearer. He knows he can contact you, i don't think you should text him again. I'm sorry but I would doubt he's thinking of you at the moment.
He's got cancer and he's putting all of his energy into beating it- as he should be.

dellas1979

Is it hard to swallow the reality that is now due to what he has fed you before.

No doubt, what he fed you put into place in your head some idealistic or dreamy version of what your relation to him actually is. You are still in the dreamy place. Come back to reality.

You should not be in contact with this person.

He is not offering you anything (cant or wont). But that doesnt matter. Read it again, he is not offering you anything. And you cant force what you believe to be the right thing (for you) on others.

I dont doubt you care for him, but youll wait for him? You might be waiting a very long time...for nothing...wasting time.