At breaking point - girlfriend trouble

LegacyUser

Hello,

I'm a young guy going out with a girl for 2 years now.

Problem is I don't know what to do any more and I get sad because I don't feel very valued or well treated. She tells me she loves me but I don't know if I love her any more. She is so dependent on me for company it is ridiculous and any suggestion I make to her to go out, do something she likes or join a club to make new friends is rebuffed immediately - won't even listen to my suggestions. She nearly even depends on me to think for her.

She even makes me pursuing my interests a constant hassle because she demands through her actions that I spend all of any free time I have with her. I really love to play football and am quite good at it but if I have training it is a struggle to go without her being moody or sulking for the night before and after - meaning I expand so much energy trying to tiptoe around her that I could use to do other things I like to do in my spare time - she has no problem with trying to manipulate me into waiting at her house for her to finish work though because what she has to do is always more important it seems. I never see my friends because 'its time I could be going to see her instead'.

Most recently something happened to one of her relatives and I was there, stayed in the hospital the whole evening, night and next morning with her but then when I tried to go home to go training she made me feel awful saying that 'how could I leave her' - I said I would be back that night or the next morning but she refused to talk to me and eventually I wilted and stayed again. The littlest thing (I mean little) can set her off and I am tired of it - it's been like this for a while and I don't know how much more I can take. If I get annoyed over anything she accuses me of being aggressive.

I feel so unvalued, she doesn't seem to care about my wants or needs and doesn't seem to care about me, just cares about having me around for herself. Then when she gets her way she gets really nice and says sorry and says she just likes having me around, I try to explain my side she says 'ok I will take that on board' but a day later it is the same again. I did do something to her once that I really, really regret and told her about it straight away but things were like this before that and I don't know how much longer I can take it. She is generous in other ways like if we go out she always offers to pay or she will buy me a little present every so often but I am just as generous to her and do everything I possibly can for her.

She is a nice girl and I don't want to make her seem like the devil but I just don't know if we are right any more. She shares very few of my interests and makes it very hard for me to pursue those that require me to spend any time away from her (even a couple of hours) - she nearly needs my attention all the time. I have a desire to try and set up some sort of on line business because I find it very hard to get a job but I have no time to try and do it because if I spend a night by myself where I don't go to see her and I had nothing specific on (even if I do) she gets moody and doesn't talk to me or at the very least lets it be known that she is annoyed and makes conversations a nightmare - holding me on the phone saying nothing at all to me. I'm wasting so much time and energy and I don't know what to do any more.

I think breaking up with her would really upset her and she hasn't had the easiest time of things in her life so I don't want to make a rash decision that will really upset her but I don't know what else I can do, I think I'm beginning to feel depressed and it upsets me a lot because I feel like she is just telling me she loves me for the sake of it. I've tried explaining, I've tried talking but nothing works. Anybody have any experience or insight?

Any questions I will also answer them.

Honey-ec

Tbh, OP, I think you know already what you want to do here. Your post screams out that you're only staying with this girl out of pity/fear of upsetting her. That's not fair on either of you. Not to mention the fact that this is a completely one-sided relationship that you're getting absolutely nothing out of other than stress, depression and worry.

My advice to you is to go and read a few of the recent threads on empty marriages. There's been a lot of them lately. Nearly all the OPs knew there were issues long before they ever got married, but chose to ignore them in the hope that things would change or improve. But they very rarely do. Ask yourself, do you want to be that guy in 10 years?

tcif

What you're describing is not a healthy relationship and is not good for either of you. You obviously care about her and don't want to upset her, but staying in this scenario is not an option for you. You're smothering and becoming increasingly unhappy yourself and that's not what being part of a couple is supposed to be like. You have to move on

December2012

She is manipulating and using you.

Either
A) have a serious chat with her about this - tell her you're at break up point.

Or

just break up with her.

This does not sound like an equal relationship.

StickyIcky

Yip was in a bit of a long term, very hard to break up. However breaking up was a great thing for me. Life is so much better now. Just do it. The only way that going to make it easy is to announce it then no contact. Good luck

LegacyUser

Wow, I could have written the exact same post a year and a half ago. Was going out with a nice girl for over two years, almost identical story. She was a nice girl, had a hard life. But relied on me for absolutely everything, it got to a point where I couldn't meet my friends (especially not any girls that I'd been friends with), do any of the things I liked etc.. Anytime I raised these concerns, one of two things happened:
1) She said she'd take them on board. This never happened, always went back to the same old after a day or two.
2) The tears would come - I didn't want to be with her, blah blah. Despite the fact that I was very careful in making her feel secure in our relationship and spent almost all of my time with her. It really never was enough!

We broke up once during the relationship for a couple of weeks and ended up getting back together (I think simply because I wasn't used to being single and missed her, despite knowing it was doomed to fail). Many more months of frustration and misery, and I finally broke up with her at the start of last year. Best decision I ever made. Might sound heartless but I didn't miss her at all. (I wouldn't expect you to feel so carefree after a breakup - my case was special in that I knew I should have ended it months earlier and had mentally checked out of the relationship. That wasn't fair and it only prolonged the frustration for both of us). My only regret is staying with her for that long, I wasted so much time. I honestly felt such a relief when it was over. She was so dependent on me that I actually feared she might do something silly when we split. Thankfully she didn't.

My point is, if you know this can't be salvaged, don't waste her time or yours. She might be a nice girl, my ex certainly was (and no one ever would have suspected that she had the almost pyscho qualities that she had), but if you're not compatible, it will never work. She will get over it in time, and you're saving both of you even more hurt in the future. It's not going to get better - changing that much simply isn't possible.

I actually still have nightmares about my ex, and funnily enough, had one last night. Almost like I'm suffocating. Like you, I don't want to paint her as awful, she's a nice girl, but it just didn't work and the relationship was unbelievably toxic. These things happen. My advice is cut your losses, cut ALL contact and move on with your life. You'll meet plenty of new people and have fun doing the things you can't do now. It'll be an adjustment, but worth it in the end. I've had so much fun (and more heartbreak) since becoming single but that's all part of life! You live and you learn. That's my experience and my advice. Hope it's somewhat helpful. I know I'll never make the same mistakes in a relationship again.

StickyIcky

Samestory is right there about the no contact, it's really the best way to go about it 1) because it's easier on both of you 2) because otherwise you'll maybe get back together for another two years of a doomed to fail toxic relationship before you pick up the courage to try and end it again.
He's right about about how life is much better after because you live and learn for one and also it opens up new possibilities. You tend to improve yourself and your whole environment too because of all the new found free time and independance and freedom, also for the fact you're soon going to be trying to attract a new girl so you'll be wanting to look and feel your best etc
Do it dude, listen too all the positive and helpful things here and make the best choice for you and what's most important to you at the end of the day.

Boofle

Hi OP,

From reading your post your relationship does not sound like a healthy one. Your girlfriend is exercising a lot of control over you; not wanting you to play football or have an evening to yourself - you sound like a decent guy and I reckon you already know that she is just not the girl for you.

You won't know yourself once you are out of this relationship - independence and freedom to do what you want when you want!! And I'm sure a nice girl will come along in the future for you

Best of luck; you will get through this and come out the other side smiling believe me!!

ManOfMystery

I'll not bore you with my story OP but suffice to say I was in a very, very similar situation once. My advice? Get out now.

Eire_1992

OP you seem like an easy going guy and this girl is obviously too high maintenance for you ! It just begs the question why has it taken 2 years for you to realise this ? The best thing to do is cut all ties with this girl and let you find someone else who suits you and let her find someone who can feed her the attention she obviously needs !