At Breaking Point

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I'll keep it short. A few months ago I moved countries to be with my bf. At the begining everything was great but lately i've been finding it quite hard. I landed a job but there's nobody here that i'd see myself being friends with outside of work. I'm really missing that side of my life and hadn't realised it would affect me so much. It's even little things like if we have a silly argument. I have no-one to talk too and I can't just meet a friend to help clear my head. I feel a bit isolated. My bf has done everything possible to make me feel at home here but i still find myself feeling down alot.

I've recently started taking the pill too and it's not agreeing with me. It made my skin break out in a red rash and I have pains from it. I spoke to the doctor and I'm coming off it but I think it's made me very moody.

I'm a really bad sleeper and always have been. Over the years I've had acupuncture and hypnotherapy to try cure it but it runs in my family. My dad has awful insomnia too. My bf knew this about me when I moved here. He knows if I get woken up I find it really hard to fall back asleep and often lay awake all night.

Anyway, he had a habit for a while of trying to talk to me as he got ready for work at 7.30am. I'd maybe have only had 2 hours sleep and i'd ask him to be quiet. This went on for weeks where I had to really try and explain to him how much I don't like chatting at that hour, especially with very little sleep.

He doesn't require much sleep and thinks it's mad that I get upset and annoyed if I'm woken in the middle of the night or if he talks to me in the morning.

We are now at breaking point. Well, past breaking point as this morning we mutually ended it. He woke me up at 2am by getting into bed beside me and again at 7.30 when he was getting up for work. I;'m at work now really tired and I snapped at him for waking me up when I've repeatedly asked him not too.

I just want to know if i'm being awful here as I can't see clearly. He says he wants to be with someone who he can sleep beside with ease and no fear of disturbing them which is fair enough. I just want to be able to go to bed at night safe in the knowledge that i won't be woken up by anyone. I think i deserve that too.

He thinks it's nuts how upset I get if he starts speaking to me at 7am. Is it not normal to not to talk when you're asleep and someone wakes you? I always feel dizzy and disorientated at that hour. I work later so have no need to be awake at that time.

Any opinions welcome even though it's too late. I'm really upset and would like to see what others think of this.

Sorry for not keeping it short:(

_Kaiser_

Well to be fair to you I fully agree that deliberately waking you at half 7 in the morning because he fancies a chat when he knows that you're a light sleeper is a bit much (personally I'm not human until after I've had a shower and gotten some caffeine into me) - but against that.. if you're woken by him simply getting into bed beside you (assuming he's not stomping and banging around the place) then the sleeping arrangements are never going to work. Maybe sleeping in different rooms might help for a while?

On top of that then you have the stress of a new job, country, culture, language(?) to learn as well and no friends, family or familiarity to help you adjust. Is this your boyfriend's native country or have you both emigrated somewhere? Reason I ask is that if it's the former he may not "get" why you're having problems adjusting simply because for him, it's home.

You don't mention how long you're together but I'm assuming it's long/serious enough if you moved country to be with him, so I don't think I'd end it yet based on a row caused by sleep deprivation and your mood readjusting from the pill, but clearly changes need to happen on both sides if it's to work.

Can you get home for a visit at all? What about Skype or similar apps to keep in touch with your friends/family? Have you sincerely tried to make an effort with your colleagues/look for social activities to get involved in etc

For his part, if this is his home, he needs to make more of an effort to help you settle in, work with you to adjust the sleeping arrangements to suit both of you, and stop waking you unnecessarily!

Good luck either way

Neyite

I think I'd be fit to kill someone who wakes me at 7am for a pointless natter when I dont have to be up for hours. Its disrespectful of him to do that and I'd insist that this little habit be the first to get knocked on its head.

We usually put out our clothes in another room and slip out as quietly as possible so whoever is sleeping on does not get disturbed. I used to get dressed in the dark, but I had a couple of wardrobe malfunctions that way that I discovered far too late on the bus hurtling towards work, so I'd not recommend that one. If you dont have a spare room, then the landing/bathroom with somewhere to hang your outfit for the next day will do fine.

With regard to waking you getting in to bed, it depends. If he is genuinely trying to be quiet, I'd let it go. If he is stomping around with all the grace of a drunk baby elephant then I'd have done the same as you. And I'm pretty reasonable and can fall back to sleep easily. So I dont think that you were asking anything extraordinary of him.

I can understand the isolation. I prefer to keep work friendly but professional. You need to make friends, and that takes time. Are there any sports or hobbies that you could get involved in, where you might meet people, or other expatriates? Even the overseas forums on Boards might be a starting point.

Hannibal Smith

Im with your boyfriend...im one of those people who likes a chat in thr morning. ...I couldn't get up and go to work without a natter and I think its lovely he wants to do it

That said im not with some one who suffers from insomnia. It could be a multitude of things. ..you could be hyper sensitive about the need to sleep so it really sets you off when he disturbs it...if you're not living together long it could be teething problems as you get used to each others ways...or it could be thr effects of your body coming off the pill that makes you so cross. Are you really biting his head off when he does it?

I suppose at the end of the day the bottom line is hes completely ignoring your request to be quiet. And so does he believe his need to talk supercedes your need for sleep and when you look at it that way he is being a bit silly.