think i want to get back with Ex-fiance

superconfused

Hi Everyone,

i need advise on my situation.

My ex-fiancee and i broke up at Christmas after being together for 2 and half years and had a 4 month old baby at the time.
The break up was due to issues and arguments we had and to the stress of having a newborn baby i suppose.
I moved out and did say after a month of us being broke up maybe we should try again and she said no and that she never would so i tried to move on.

We still have contact as i have access to my child and pay maintenance and are only on a kind of civil footing recently as our relationship during /after the breakup was mild to extremely toxic which then only furthered my attempts to move on.

i have been seeing someone for the last couple of months and to be honest the relationship hasn't had my full commitment but the other day things changed, i had to meet up with my ex for a legal thing and i saw her come in, she had lost a little bit of weight and was wearing something i had never see her wear before and its something she wouldn't normally wear and i instantly fancied her again. It was like everything bad that happened in our past didn't happen and all i could think about was all the good and amazing times we had together and all the fun we had with our baby.Since that day i cant stop thinking about her and am thinking about asking her if she would like to try again,I'm not aware she has a new relationship but she would have told me as i have told her and its part of our agreement.

Does this normally happen to people after a time apart or is the heat making me act crazy?

Any advise or thoughts on this would be appreciated thank

LegacyUser

What happened is you saw her looking well and you got the horn. And then happily went off into a rose-coloured daydream.

She has said no to reconciliation, in no uncertain terms. She has gotten out of a "toxic" relationship and now its 6 months on and she's lost weight and is looking fantastic. Did it never occur to you the reason she's looking so well is because she's dropped 12 stone?

silly

She said she would never get back with you though? And just because she is looking different, she is still the same person you had a toxic relationship with...

superconfused

silly wrote: »

She said she would never get back with you though? And just because she is looking different, she is still the same person you had a toxic relationship with...

Thats true but we have been getting a lot better than when we were after we broke up, things are good now

Stavro Mueller

silly wrote: »

She said she would never get back with you though? And just because she is looking different, she is still the same person you had a toxic relationship with...

^^ This. Leave aside what she looks like now. You described the relationship as "mild to extremely toxic". Why was it toxic? What has changed in the meantime?

superconfused

cymbaline wrote: »

^^ This. Leave aside what she looks like now. You described the relationship as "mild to extremely toxic". Why was it toxic? What has changed in the meantime?

Sorry I should have clarified,the relationship wasnt toxic,the break up was as im sure lots are but our relationship was great,sure we had fights but we were mad about each other and planned our life together,were engaged and had a baby

I edited the post to clear that up

LegacyUser

Hey,

I can relate to your post on so many levels. What I would ask is are you sensing any kind of vibe from her that would suggest that she would consider the idea of you 2 getting back together?

Me and my ex, with whom I have a daughter with, broke up after xmas. I made a huge mistake thinking that I no longer could stay in the relationship for various reasons. As it turned out, I just made no effort on my part to change our relationship. I regretted my decision days after, but her hurt was so strong she was too afraid to even contemplate getting back with me. As you say, all break ups are different, and like you mine was quite toxic to say the least. Now things are very civil, which is to the benefit of our child. A part of her is considering the idea of trying to see if she can trust me again and ultimately getting back together.

So, how are you going to approach the topic with her?

gordongekko

Its the heat. Don't do it.

Definitely don't get back with her. It sorta sounds like not being with you has actually done her some good - she has lost weight and is starting to wear things she normally wouldn't. I don't know for sure if the breakup and that are connected, as I don't know your relationship, but she has already said no. You're in a relationship now with someone else. If you're not giving them your 100%, then is it really fair to be with them? Make up your mind - either stay with this other person and be happy with that or move on to someone else, because the harsh reality is... you're not getting back with your ex.

Neyite

So, you walked out on a woman who was post partum, you bailed when she really needed support from the man that supposedly loved her while caring for a newborn, and you were at least partly responsible for the toxicity in your break up.

And now that she has managed to cope all by herself, the baby might be sleeping through the night more so she is a bit more rested, and she lost the baby weight, you want her back.

You are barking up the wrong tree OP. Genuine question: your post was all about you, but what can you offer her? She cant rely on you, or trust you, so whats in it for her?

superconfused

Neyite wrote: »

So, you walked out on a woman who was post partum, you bailed when she really needed support from the man that supposedly loved her while caring for a newborn, and you were at least partly responsible for the toxicity in your break up.

And now that she has managed to cope all by herself, the baby might be sleeping through the night more so she is a bit more rested, and she lost the baby weight, you want her back.

You are barking up the wrong tree OP. Genuine question: your post was all about you, but what can you offer her? She cant rely on you, or trust you, so whats in it for her?

Hold on a second here where are you getting your information? who says i walked out or "bailed"? thats not what i wrote so please re read my post
Also i never said she had post partum either so dont make assumptions.

We broke up due to issues we were both having in our relationship and it was agreed that i would leave so her and our baby wouldn't have to move out anywhere

My post isnt all about me, iv pointed out that i pay maintenance and have my access to our child,im involved in their life and i feel us getting back together could bring our family back together, i can offer her me,her child father,family and loving life for the rest of her life,breakfast in bed, weekends away,support when she needs it,there is no end to what i can offer her and have given to her during our relationship

December2012

I think you should break things off with your current girlfriend.

Work on your relationship as co parents and maybe friends.

Take your time and show her the good man for her you can be.

Neyite

superconfused wrote: »

Hold on a second here where are you getting your information? who says i walked out or "bailed"? thats not what i wrote so please re read my post
Also i never said she had post partum either so dont make assumptions.

We broke up due to issues we were both having in our relationship and it was agreed that i would leave so her and our baby wouldn't have to move out anywhere

My post isnt all about me, iv pointed out that i pay maintenance and have my access to our child,im involved in their life and i feel us getting back together could bring our family back together, i can offer her me,her child father,family and loving life for the rest of her life,breakfast in bed, weekends away,support when she needs it,there is no end to what i can offer her and have given to her during our relationship

But how does she know that you will support her in the future when she needs it when you didnt in the past, which was when she did.

You said you moved out. So you left the family home leaving her with a newborn of 4 months? Thats what your post said. So yes, you bailed in my opinion. You bailed because you both were stressed with a newborn. Every new parent gets stressed, and snap at each other, and get annoyed.

You are mixing up post partum, the phrase meaning "post birth" with post partum depression - which is a medical condition. I never said she had depression. just that she was post-birth. Which she was.

I have a baby roughly two months older than yours, and luckily my partner was an absolute rock, who did more than his fair share of walking the floors at night with a teething baby. I cant imagine how hard it would have been if he had fought with me constantly, broke up, then moved out. I remember my hormones were all over the place, my hair was falling out in clumps, some days I wouldnt have even eaten more than a half a sandwich and I'd be counting down the minutes until I heard his key in the door so he could take the baby and I could just have 5 minutes peace in the shower.

So, maybe thats what she is remembering. And maybe she realises that when times get tough, she doesnt know if she can depend on you. You are still someone else's boyfriend at the moment, and have been since a few months after your break up, arent you? So why not do the decent thing and break up with your girlfriend before chasing your ex again.

superconfused

Neyite wrote: »

But how does she know that you will support her in the future when she needs it when you didnt in the past, which was when she did.

You said you moved out. So you left the family home leaving her with a newborn of 4 months? Thats what your post said. So yes, you bailed in my opinion. You bailed because you both were stressed with a newborn. Every new parent gets stressed, and snap at each other, and get annoyed.

You are mixing up post partum, the phrase meaning "post birth" with post partum depression - which is a medical condition. I never said she had depression. just that she was post-birth. Which she was.

I have a baby roughly two months older than yours, and luckily my partner was an absolute rock, who did more than his fair share of walking the floors at night with a teething baby. I cant imagine how hard it would have been if he had fought with me constantly, broke up, then moved out. I remember my hormones were all over the place, my hair was falling out in clumps, some days I wouldnt have even eaten more than a half a sandwich and I'd be counting down the minutes until I heard his key in the door so he could take the baby and I could just have 5 minutes peace in the shower.

So, maybe thats what she is remembering. And maybe she realises that when times get tough, she doesnt know if she can depend on you. You are still someone else's boyfriend at the moment, and have been since a few months after your break up, arent you? So why not do the decent thing and break up with your girlfriend before chasing your ex again.

Again i didn't say i didn't support her,you are making assumptions again.

I took extra unpaid time of work to be with her and our baby everyday, i did thr late nights and made every effort for her to have time to herself and relax, i don't know who you think i am but i did not abandon my family...things came to a head in our relationship and yes the stress of our newborn contributed but we both decided to break it off and that i would leave, you make it out like Im some deadbeat who ran away and left them high and dry which is not the case.

She knows the kind of man i am and how much support i can be, i am here for her and our child whenever she needs me and she knows that, i want to be back in that house and be there to take care of our baby and make them both happy and be to"rock" your husband was and yes i am going to breaqk it off with the other woman which is only fair

Neyite

Well, I'm going to bow out of this thread. You have continued to miss my point. I'm not making digs at you, though you think I am, I'm pointing out how your girlfriend might see things, and the reasons she might give you for not wanting to get back with you.

irishgirl19

Look op if this is what u want you'll have to fight for her and show her you things can change.
Take things slow.
A baby adds huge pressure to a relationship and you are not the first couple to break up for a period after a new baby and certainly wont be the last.
You will have to respect her decesion if she makes it clear she is not interested no more,but at least say your bit first

YumCha

irishgirl19 wrote: »

You will have to respect her decesion if she makes it clear she is not interested no more

She already did say she wasn't interested and never would (get back together with him). OP ignoring her wishes is not going to do you any favours.

Things might be good now, but that's not an indication that you should try your luck. Count your lucky stars that things are civil, but move on.

irishgirl19

YumCha wrote: »

She already did say she wasn't interested and never would (get back together with him). OP ignoring her wishes is not going to do you any favours.

I know she has but maybe if he has a good proper chat with her and is as open about his feelings as he is here, she might realise it won't be the same sh*t again.
This is his family so its worth a try

irishgirl19

irishgirl19 wrote: »

I know she has but maybe if he has a good proper chat with her and is as open about his feelings as he is here, she might realise it won't be the same sh*t again.
This is his family so its worth a try

Or his attempts to get back with her could create a much bigger rift than already exists, potentially damaging his family for the worst.

Honestly, OP, she has told you she doesn't want to be back with you. Break up with your current girlfriend, as you're obviously not interested in her and find someone new.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe things might work out - who knows? What you need to take a long hard look at what did go wrong. How on earth did you go from being engaged and parents to a small baby to a break-up? This wasn't just a post-baby wobble, was it? Why were things so bad that you both felt that a break-up was the way to go?