Unreasonable and irrational dislike of co-worker

traveller80

Hi,
I know this a stupid problem that pales in significance to the many ones posted on here, but its really getting to me a lot that sometimes i lie awake thinking about it. Ive never felt this way before in my life.

Basically, there is someone in work who i just find really irritating. I dont even know why....i like to think im a reasonable person and I would never want to hurt another persons feelings. I dont even understand why I dislike him, he hasnt done anything to me to be honest. Its just his voice, his mannerisms, for eg, when he needs to ask me something when im at my desk, he always gets down on one knee, which bugs me a lot. Also, in a meeting when he talks he always seems to directly look at me even if i try to avoid eye contact. His use of certain words when he talks.

Yes I know how childish im sounding right now, but I cant seem to stop myself from disliking him (although let me clarify that I would never wish the guy any ill will or anything)

Im polite to him, I dont think he has any idea how I feel and I want it to stay that way. But now im being sent on a work conference for over a week with him - just me and him. The last time I went to a day conference with him, he just followed me around and was constantly at my shoulder everytime i turned around. I fear the whole week is going to be the same thing. He is already asking me about how we should co-ordinate our travel plans.

Does anyone have any advice on how to change my feelings? The conference is months away, but its bothering me already. Like I said, ive never ever felt like this before, so i hope people wont think im horrible. I havent told anybody how I feel, I dont want to b*tch about him when he has even done anything wrong.

judgefudge

Right or wrong, I've definitely felt like that before. Just something about them winds you up and their presence pisses you off. I don't know why it happens.

Only advice I'd give you is to try and relax about it. If you can, arrange separate travel. But you won't be able to get away from him so just keep telling yourself to calm down and be reasonable. You've said yourself he has never done anything wrong, per se, so just keep telling yourself that. And you'll get through it so stop worrying!

The_Conductor

Personally- I'd suggest trying to get out of going to the conference period.
Go to your manager- and suggest that you think it would be an excellent opportunity to reward another member of staff (presumably a couple of days away is actually viewed as a reward?) State that you've been working closely with (pick a member of staff who gets on ok with the guy) and while you'd love to go to the conference, you believe that if your place were instead offered to (the other member of staff) that you'd feel a lot happier knowing that their contribution to the company was being recognised. For crying out loud- pick someone deserving who actually gets on with the guy- and then- you're off the hook and you're smelling of roses.

iusedtoknow

Hmm - I have done a lot of travelling for work with people that I either don't like or don't get on with (fortunate at the moment that the guy I do a lot of travel with is good craic.) I wouldn't recommend dropping out of the conference. These things can be interesting and it could give your manager the wrong impression.

I learned that directness is the best key. I was at a conference in Barcelona last year with someone I loathed. It's a city I know very well (lived there, wife from there, have many friends there). While I was busy in the day with the conference, the evenings were pretty much free (except for networking drinks or meeting with vendors for a drink). I said to the guy outright that I had my own agenda for talks/appointments during the day (we had slightly different needs from the conference) and that most evenings I would be tied up.

Now, if you are away from home, and don't know anyone..make sure you have a hectic day planned at the conference and then in the evneing - still go out, do your own thing and limit the need for you to deal with the guy. I would use the excuse that you've had a long/tiring day and usually like to decompress for a while alone after talking to so many people in the day.

traveller80

Thanks for the replies (and also for not judging me )

Getting out of the conference is not an option Im afraid. My boss asked me and I excitedly agreed, before he then told me that this particular co-worker was going. So backing out now would look strange.

The whole 'I need to be alone" after a long day is a good strategy, as to be honest, i am the type of person who does enjoy time alone to unwind if i've had a day of networking, socialising etc..but Im not sure I can get away with it every night.

My boyfriend (Ive only briefly mentioned to him that this guy bugs me, as i didnt want to seem like a b*tch) asked if he could come with me - as in pay for his own flights, but stay in my paid-for room. He figures it's a cheap way for him to get to travel and see another place. This would really make me feel better about the whole thing, but do you think it would be unprofessional for me to bring him along? Obviously, I would still do my conference thing and leave him to his own devices for the day before meeting up in the evening, but worried my boss might not believe that.

mikemac1

A whole week for a conference?? I was reading post 1 and thinking 1-2 days

Sure your boyfriend can come along but as you say there will have to be clear divisions and he'll need to do his own thing during the day. If you're expected to network have dinner with suppliers then I guess you'll have to do that and the boyfriend can head to the pub for a few pints on his own till later.

I'd clear it with the boss to be safe

As for the co-worker it's possible he reminds you of someone years ago. Like someone in school who had the same mannerisms and now years later you see the same habits and you react badly but it's not realy about this co worker.
That's not a solution though, just a general point

StickyIcky

Sounds like the dude hasn't much personal skills. You could try and school him a bit. Like a personal project. He's leaning on other people's personal space, holding eye contact too long etc, it's not something most people like and if you talk to him about it in a genuine and truthful way it could help.

The other option is don't do that and focus instead on your reactions. It's like the story of the lady who had a large insect of some description land on her while in a restaurant. She freaked out, jumped up and flicked it and it landed on another patron who also freaked out. By this stage the waiter was over and the second freaking out patron flicked the insect and it flew onto the waiters shoulder. The waiter paused for a second,observed the insect then calmly picked it off his shirt and put it outside. Was it the insect that caused people to go crazy, no it was their instinctual reaction, where as the waiter responded calmly and with thoughtfulness.

So we can react or we an chose how to respond, often with different outcomes. Anyway good luck.

anncoates

I've worked with plenty of people I didn'tike but it seems a little fixated to dwell on it so much unless they're actually bullying you or something?

iusedtoknow

traveller80 wrote: »

My boyfriend (Ive only briefly mentioned to him that this guy bugs me, as i didnt want to seem like a b*tch) asked if he could come with me - as in pay for his own flights, but stay in my paid-for room. He figures it's a cheap way for him to get to travel and see another place. This would really make me feel better about the whole thing, but do you think it would be unprofessional for me to bring him along? Obviously, I would still do my conference thing and leave him to his own devices for the day before meeting up in the evening, but worried my boss might not believe that.

My company have no issues with that, as long as it doesn't interrupt professional duties. Have a look at your company's travel policy, it will spell it out pretty clearly. My wife was able to tag along to Shanghai and Sydney - she has a 2 week holiday, I had someone to hang out with most evenings. Obviously, I could only expense for my own needs (dinner etc).

My one allows us to even use the company travel department to book everything, on condition we cut them a cheque within a week. Hotel probably won't cost anything as business travelers tend to be given double rooms by default.

Kidchameleon

traveller80 wrote: »

Its just his voice, his mannerisms, for eg, when he needs to ask me something when im at my desk, he always gets down on one knee, which bugs me a lot.

Sorry to be blunt, but you really need to get over yourself. What your describing there is YOUR problem, not his. You need to deal with yourself, not him.

traveller80 wrote: »

Also, in a meeting when he talks he always seems to directly look at me even if i try to avoid eye contact.

So your avoiding eye contact and wondering why he is putting so much effort into making eye contact with you?

It looks to me like he has picked up bad vibes off you and is making extra effort to be nice to you, he may be annoying but you need to give him a break, the poor chap is probably wondering what he has done wrong to you, and as you have said, he hasn't done anything!

traveller80

@Kidchameleon- yes I know its my problem not his, as i stated in my original post and the title also gives a clue to the fact that I know its my problem.

That was the reason for posting - ive never felt like this before about anyone, I honestly dont why this guy irritates me so much and was looking at advise on what to do. I am always polite to him - its not a case of me needing to give him a break. Im not mean to him. As for the eye contact thing, I do make eye contact and look away after while. He doesnt make eye contact with anyone else in the room, even though he may not even be addressing me. It just makes me uncomfortable.

tinkerbell

OP, you feel uncomfortable around him and you don't want to spend every waking minute with him for a week while you are away from home. I don't think it is fair on anybody to question you feeling uncomfortable around him - the fact is you do feel uncomfortable so you need to figure out a solution.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to have your boyfriend tag along - you can do your work commitments during the day and then you can spend the evenings with your boyfriend. Your work colleague is just gonna have to deal with it - they are old enough to look after themselves. If your boyfriend wasn't coming along, then it's ok to tell him that you want to make your own travel arrangements and do your own thing in the evening.

DoozerT6

OP, if your company would be ok about your boyfriend going on the trip, why not suggest to your co-worker that he also ask his partner (or a friend) if they fancy a cheap week away in Barcelona for the week also! That way you're both occupied after the day's work, and I'm sure just to be social you could arrange for the four of ye to have dinner together maybe one or two nights of the trip?

(The only problem I see with this is that your boyfriend and your co-worker's travelling companion could end up hanging out together during the day for lack of anything else to do, which means you could end up spending MORE time with him than you'd like after work if they hit it off...maybe you could suss this out in some way before suggesting it?)