Friendship Issues, help

LegacyUser

Hi,
If anybody has any advice I would be very grateful.
Recently myself and my partner booked a trip to america for a few days in October, we booked because we saw a great deal and just didn't think about anyone else before we booked.

I have since found out that the day we leave is also the day of a good friend's wedding party (they are getting married abroad, and having their party when they get home.

I was told the date of the party a few months ago and never wrote it down or thought about it since if I am honest.

Anyway, when I was put right about the date I text my friend (we were both in work and this was the only way we could communicate at the time and it couldn't wait) and told her I was so sorry and I couldn't believe I had been so careless, I just feel terrible! I would never be so bad as to book this on purpose to avoid the party.

I didn't expect a nice reply and I certainly didn't get one! She accused me of planning it and ''knew'' i would make some excuse not to go to it, but that I had a good one! (I should explain that last year for her 40th we were invited away with some other couples, we said at first we would love to but decided to book our own holiday as we wouldnt get away ourselves and hadnt been away in 5 years. i explained this well before they booked the trip and she seemed fine with it)

I can understand that she feels left down and i hate that I've made her feel this way.

This happened 2 days ago and yesterday in work i approached her in person to tell her how sorry I am and explain that I wouldn't do that to somebody but she is still fuming, and told me no matter what i do or say she will never believe that i didn't do it on purpose. I got very upset and had to walk away.

I feel so hurt that she believes i would do this! I am in a knot the last couple of days, i cant eat a thing, and to make it worse she is now completely blanking me!

Her hen night is in a few weeks and i am due to share a room with a mutual friend and i dont want to let her down, but i feel like how can i possibly go???

Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated....

I just don't know what to do next!

Lorna123

Your friend will just have to get used to the idea that the world doesn't revolve around her. You explained what happened and if she cannot believe you then you could write her a note explaining again. If she is still unhappy there is nothing more you can do. I would certainly go to the hen party, there is no reason why you wouldn't go. Just forget about it now, go to the hen party and I am sure she will have calmed down by then.

LegacyUser

thank you for the advice, but im pretty sure this isnt and wont be over soon, Ive seen her fall out with people over the years and never speak to them again, for much less, including my own mother and sister.

I have decided to see how she is with me for the rest of the week in work and if she continues to blank me then I am just going to tell her on Friday that I wont be going.

I can't bear people being angry at me, especially as I am not the type of person to intentionally hurt anybody or do something underhanded.

Hannibal Smith

There's not really much else you can do. But I'd be pretty annoyed too if i was your friend...people who say they'll go somewhere and who back out just do my nut in. Her 40th one year...her wedding the next doesn't that seem like a lot to you?

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest OP, I can see where you are coming from, but I can also see where she is coming from.

She could just as easily have a post on here about her friend who pulled out of her 40th celebrations after promising to go, and booked her own seperate holiday and who then pulled out of her wedding party after booking a holiday again.

The replies would be something along the lines of "you can't force someone to be your friend... If she is not willing to make the effort for you, then you should stop expecting her too.... Sometimes friendships fizzle out, and it sounds like what's happening here"..... Etc

Do you know what I mean?

You have let her down twice, on two big occasions in her life. You had good reason in your mind.. but not in hers. Rightly or wrongly she's entitled to feel slighted by you.

Is there no way you can change your outward flight? If not, there's nothing you can do, except accept that your friendship with her (rightly or wrongly) is irreparably damaged.

LegacyUser

Thanks your input is appreciated, I can totally understand her feeling left down and hurt, and I have looked into changing the dates but the cost is alot more than I can afford and if I had the money I would definitely pay it because the last thing I want is the hurt her.
I just wish I could do something to make it up to her but if she doesnt want to know then I dont know what my options are..

dellas1979

I'm afraid I kindof agree with other posters.

My first thought was "couldnt you change the outward flight" also? Or at least look into it.

It was totally innocent on your part, but if she is a valued friend, I would try and rectify the mistake you made.

Big Bag of Chips

The advice to you, is the same as would be given to her: You can't force someone to be your friend. If she chooses to end her friendship with you, there is nothing you can do about it.

Chucky the tree

So in the last5 years ago you've had only two holidays away together and both just happen to be on times of your friends 40th and her wedding, no wonder she is blanking you. Unless you are willing to change the times I'd be surprised if her attitude changes.

meeeeh

I can understand it's disappointed you are not going to her wedding party but I don't get the fuss about 40th. Why would you expect anybody to book the same holiday just because of some silly number. She is not some sort 20% chance of living cancer survivor, is she? I think people can be as insulted about these things as they want to be. And in the same way you feel bad but not bad enough to cancel the trip. Just ask her if she still wants you at her hen and if she does go and if she doesn't then accept her decision. There is not much more you can or want to do.

Hannibal Smith

galgalgal wrote: »

Thanks your input is appreciated, I can totally understand her feeling left down and hurt, and I have looked into changing the dates but the cost is alot more than I can afford and if I had the money I would definitely pay it because the last thing I want is the hurt her.
I just wish I could do something to make it up to her but if she doesnt want to know then I dont know what my options are..

It doesn't sound like you want to do much... You should have told her face to face for starters. But I think you should just come straight out and ask her if she wants you at the hens...face to face.

I wouldn't be inclined to go if the hen was hacked off with me. It's her hens at the end of the day. But If you just back out its going to be another occasion you said you'd go somewhere and didn't and that would really inflame things I'd say. So ask her face to face.

ash23

Oh OP, I can see why she's fuming. You agreed to go away for her 40th and then blew it off so you could go away with your partner.
She gave you the date of her wedding party well in advance and you've booked to go away with your partner again?

I'd be raging with you. Ask her if she still wants you to go to the hen party and see what she says. But I think that letting her down on 2 pretty big occasions in her life is really bad form and it's possible that the friendship may not recover from it.

Pabmac

To be honest I can't see how she could treat you like this. She is not a friend (in my mind). If she was she wouldn't act like this. If I were you I would concentrate on my holiday and forget about her. As you say she has a history of behaving like this. I'd forget about her.

Dellnum

I would not place my feelings in the hands of your friend if I were you. How you feel about not going to her 40th party and how you feel about not being available for her wedding party are your entitlement. How she feels about you not being there is her responsibility. If you need someone else to forgive you before you can feel better then you are giving them control over your feelings. While some of your behaviour is unfortunate apologizing behaviour is a sickness that invests control of one’s feelings in another.

You are entitled to accept an invitation to something and then change your mind about going. You are entitled to please yourself. This woman who is getting married chose not to invite you to her wedding but chose to invite you to the party instead and decided to get married abroad because this suited her. She did not take your feelings into account when she made that decision. It suited you to go away with your other half when she wanted you to go away with her for her 40th and I would not apologize for this. Now it suits you to again go away with your other half and while you would like to go to her wedding party you have to do what suits you.

Your friend has to realize that not everyone will be able to fit in with her plans and if she cannot accept this then she is the one in the wrong here. She would like if you could go to her wedding party but just because you cannot doesn’t give her permission to fall apart.

So what I would do is to carry on now like you are in the right, quit apologizing, go to the hen party, have a great time and if she wants to ignore you that is her prerogative but bear in mind that you are not at fault here.

LegacyUser

What stands out to me is that she gave you the date and you didn't even bother to write it down. You made the commitment on both occasions and then backed out the first time and didn't bother to remember the second. That sounds like someone who doesn't appear to put much value on the friendship (I'm not suggesting that is the case but I can see how it would appear like that why to your friend). As others have said ask her if she would like you to attend the hen if you want to start making amends.

Starokan

Life gets in the way of things, its a pity this has happened but its not the end of the world either. You have two choices, cancel the holiday and go to the party which to be honest is not a realistic choice.

Its obviously you are genuinely cut up over this , could you perhaps try talk to her again and see if its possible to do something with her prior to the wedding party, like you and your partner take them both out for dinner and drinks or something. I appreciate she is ticked off but I also think she is over reacting slightly.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies everyone. Believe me I do realise what a crappy (to say the least) friend I have been and I am not making excuses, I feel absolutely terrible, I am sick to my stomach over it and I can understand completely why she has been this way with me. I don't blame her one bit.

We looked at changing the dates, however the cheapest option is over 600e and it is money we just don't have. The other option then would be lose the total holiday cost, and neither of us are prepared to do that.
I am the sole earner in our house now and with my partners very small redundancy, we decided to book as we don't know if we will have the chance again so on a whim as I said we carelessly just looked up the offers and went for the cheapest.

I did try to talk to her about it again but she refuses to speak about it. She has since spoken to me again, and is texting me and acting ''normal'' but I know things won't ever be the same again, but I am so grateful to her for not cutting me out, I just wish she could believe me when I say that this wasn't intentional, as bad as it does look. I will be going on the hen as I couldn't bear to let her down more than I already have, and I will do my best to make sure she has the best night possible. I will take the suggestion of us taking them out for dinner and drinks nearer to the time and hopefully that will go some way to making it up to them... Am very open to more suggestions too.

Forever Hopeful

To be honest OP, you are very lucky that your friend has responded in this way and my guess is that they probably let off steam with someone and looking to see the bigger picture. Its good that you are going on the hen, taking them out for dinner before you leave, perhaps arranging for champagne and/or flowers with a special message for the night of their reception? And in future, write these dates down.

LegacyUser

I'm a believer that offence should only be taken if it was intended in the first place. Unfortunately there are far too many people, OP, like your friend, who love to take offence because they are so up themselves.

I was side-lined at a close relative's wedding. I don't think it was deliberate (to upset me) but, hell, it wasn't my day and it was their prerogative who to ask to do whatever duty was to be done.I stayed quiet for the day and had a reasonable time.

Go on your holiday and enjoy yourselves. You can guarantee when the chips are down you and your BF will have each other and you may have to wait for so-called friends to appear.

She Who Dares Wins

It is going to seem fairly careless to her if its not the first time its happened that you've let her down.
Id give a last go at getting her one to one, offer for her and you to go away for a night to a hotel and spa or something before you go away. If it doesnt work then nothing you can do

LegacyUser

Your friend is now unhappy because you won't be there for her wedding party despite you telling her we are using some of your bf money to get a cheap holiday. You are still willing to go to her hen party which will cost you money and I am sure you will give her a nice wedding present.

One thing I have learned the hard way is that some times you have to put yourself first.
In the past I was always there for 2 woman but in the past few years they both showed me how little regard they had for me.
For one woman I was there when her personal life was very poor and was there when it improved. I had to listen to my car, my job, my house, my husband ect.
I give this lady expensive presents for her wedding and house warming and she give me the cheapest present possible months after I moved into my house. She also forgot my 40th birthday.

The other lady only wanted my friendship to have some one to go out with when she looked for a husband. Along with this I had to listen I hate my job and my mother said x,y to me.
She left me sitting at home the night of my 40th birthday as she was going out with a man.
When she broke up with him she found my phone number again. We went out a few times after this but by now she can't even send me a 10 cent text message.