Family Strife

LegacyUser

Some years ago my brother got married to a woman who is often a source of tension. She is the type of person who would regularly put away a bottle of wine and then start telling everyone where they've gone wrong in their lives before eventually declaring that whatever song playing is totally about her and insisting that all conversation stop so she can dance to it. Over the years we've mostly dealt with it by ignoring her attention seeking behaviour for my brother's sake.

This weekend past she went a bit too far and repeatedly asked my boyfriend if he has a learning difficulty because he said that it might take him several weeks to read a book. This was deemed 'too slow', so he must therefore be 'slow' himself. The upshot of this is that my BF has said not to even bother asking him to accompany me to a family event if she'll be there because he no longer trusts himself to be civil around her, and I can't say I blame him; I'd refuse to be around her too if it weren't for my brother.

I'm just looking for advice on how to manage this. If I lie and tell people he can't go because of illness or previous commitments it won't take long for them to work out that he's avoiding them for some reason and it will reflect badly on him and our relationship. If I tell the truth then, while I'm not saying anything people don't already know, it will cause friction within the family with family members feeling like they have to choose between him and her. Advice please.

Big Bag of Chips

Do other family members feel the same about her as you do?

The fact that you all sit back and ignore her carry on, is what is actually allowing it to continue. And now you are considering allowing your bf to be excluded from family gatherings so that you can all just go on ignoring behaviour that nobody seems happy with?

Why not challenge her on it? Your bf says he can't trust himself to be civil with her... why should he be civil to her? If someone says something that deeply offends you - and if this person is known for it and does it regularly to everyone, then it is the fault of everyone around who continues to allow it go on.

Someone should say something to her.. be it your brother, or your bf, or you.

Your sister-in-law seems rude. But you are all allowing her to dictate the tone of family gatherings.

Calhoun

What does your brother have to say about this? Personally i feel he is also part of the problem, has he not said anything? I don't get how some people let their wifes/partners treat family members like crap (nor should it be the other way around).

I'm just looking for advice on how to manage this. If I lie and tell people he can't go because of illness or previous commitments it won't take long for them to work out that he's avoiding them for some reason and it will reflect badly on him and our relationship. If I tell the truth then, while I'm not saying anything people don't already know, it will cause friction within the family with family members feeling like they have to choose between him and her. Advice please.

Your dilemma to me translated into how much do i respect my boyfriend, do you support him or do you facilitate your sister in laws bad behavior?

If you support him it may cause some family friction to begin with but it may clear the air and make your whole family unit stronger in the long run as she will respect the family events. If you facilitate your sister it could bite you on the ass as i personally would not be with someone who would put someone so rude ahead of myself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.


Bag Of Chips; Yes, the rest of my family feels that she is a trial and would rather have nothing to do with her, but put up with her for my brother's sake. We sat back and let her carry on because until now she's only had a go at family members and so has done nothing except make herself look stupid. I guess at first we let her off because we figured she wouldn't be around long because we didn't think my brother would put up with her, but then she got pregnant and, whether for the sake of the kids or not, he married her.

Calhoun; I absolutely back and support my boyfriend it may well come down to a situation where people will feel that they can invite me and my boyfriend or my brother and his wife.

My family has a well practised 'don't feed the troll' system where we smile and nod and sit as far away from her as possible, and when I spoke to my parents they asked why my BF didn't just do this. I asked them, as ye have asked me here, why we should have to do that instead of just telling her to shut her mouth, and I was told "Ah, girl, just tell him not to pay her any attention".

My mother has told me that she'll speak to my brother. I feel like I should do it myself but this particular brother sees me as an idiot child because I'm the youngest in the family (even though I'm in my 30s), and has a track record of asking me if I'm 'on the blob' and saying that I'm over-sensitive when I've tried to speak to him about similar situations before.

Starokan

your brother sounds as rude and insensitive as his partner so i doubt he will see much wrong with what she is saying

Call her on her behaviour the next time it happens, see if it changes the way she is, if it doesnt just have as little to do with her as possible

Big Bag of Chips

Striven wrote: »

My family has a well practised 'don't feed the troll' system where we smile and nod and sit as far away from her as possible, and when I spoke to my parents they asked why my BF didn't just do this. I asked them, as ye have asked me here, why we should have to do that instead of just telling her to shut her mouth, and I was told "Ah, girl, just tell him not to pay her any attention".

That's fine, and that's how family have chosen to deal with her, but they need to realise not everyone should be expected take that approach with her.

It's fine if she's just in a family setting where everyone just rolls their eyes and ignore her. The problem is when there are "non-family" around who don't know her well enough to know that she is just an idiot. They shouldn't be expected to smile and nod when they are insulted by her.

I wouldn't be feeling too sorry for your brother getting 'stuck' with her because of the pregnancy (or not). He sounds as clueless as she is, to be honest.

It might be difficult for you as a family to stop her in her tracks, because you have set a precedence of going along with her. Your bf has no such precedence and is perfectly entitled to set down his own marker with her.

My only fear for him would be, if he did day something to her, your family, while agreeing with everything he says/thinks, would side with her so as to avoid upsetting her. Then she would be unbearable as she would actually become the victim of the 'nasty man'