Messy situation with best friend

dilywn

I'm a guy in my late 20's and for the 4 or 5 years my best friend has been a girl. We have a very close relationship and tell each other things that we tell nobody else. We get on really well even though we are very different people. About a year ago I started developing feelings for her. In the beginning I denied it to myself, partly because she was going out with someone at the time and partly because I didn't believe that she felt the same way. She subsequently broke up with the boyfriend but I still didn't do anything because I didn't want to make things awkward between us. As time went on though and she told me about guys that she fancied or whatever I started getting jealous and it got to the stage where I was going to have to act one way or the other.

One random night though completely out of the blue we ended up in bed together. It was like earlier in the night somone said to us something like “you guys are so close you should really go out together” and we both kind of looked at each other and said “yeah ok”. But in a “who's going to blink first-game of chicken kind of way”. It was like we both got into it and before we knew it we were in bed together. Afterwards I hit her with the truth that I had been holding back. She genuinely seemed shocked and elated.

I met her again the next day and for ages it was like as if nothing had happened. Neither of us were willing to talk about. Eventually I brought it up and she said that she was really nervous and that she couldn't lose me as a friend if it all went pear-shaped.

I met her again during the week for lunch and we had a kiss and a cuddle but it actually felt a bit weird and I could see that she was having trouble seeing me in this new light. That weekend I met up with her in town and we ended up sleeping together again. Afterwards she said that she thought the world of me but that the whole being friends thing was really bothering her.

Over the next month we talked everyday on the phone or in person. However we never hooked up again. The big issue was that we are part of a big group of friends and we both agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone else unless we were sure we were going to make a go of it. We both live with some of these other friends in separate houses and so it was hard to get any time alone together. Even though we were seeing each other all the time we never discussed what had happened. I did write her some letters in which I talked openly about my feelings. She told me that she loved them but never reciprocated. I felt that the whole thing had stalled. The worst part about all of this is that both of us had always been each other's go-to-guy for relationship problems and now we couldn't even discuss these issue with each other. Whenever I felt that things were not going anywhere she's ring me up and suggest that we go and do something together and she was very touchy feely in a way that she hadn't been before.

Eventually I brought things to a head and asked her straight up was she interested in me. She told me that she was but then fobbed me off about not being in the right place to date a friend. I told her that I was going to give her some space and not contact her until she had made up her mind what she wanted to do.

After 11 days I hadn't heard from her so I emailed her saying that it was obvious what her decisions was. She didn't reply and I didn't hear from her for another 4 days at which time it was as if the whole thing had never happened.

Since then (6 weeks) we haven't seen much of each other but we have been in contact maybe twice a week. In the back of my head I thought (crazily )that something might still happened but one day she asked me to call around to her place. When I was there she told me that she wanted me to hear it first from her that she was after meeting someone else who she really liked. At this point I got upset and told her how pissed off I was with her for not having the guts to tell me that she wasn't into me rather than drag things along. She apologised profusely and said that she realised that she had treated me badly but that she genuinely thought that we might have a shot together but that the right moment never came along. All she wanted to know was would we still be friends. I told her that I didn't know and needed some time away from her.

I hadn't talked to her in a week and today I got a text from her saying how sad she was that she couldn't talk to me any longer. She then went on to say that she feels horrible about how things ended up with us. I basically told her that she's just feeling guilty for using me.

So this whole thing has turned into a disaster. If this was some other girl I'd just cut her out of my life but the roots of our relationship are quite deep and inertwined. If I want to avoid her it means ostracising myself from a large chunk of my friends. Despite everything I still have feelings for her and hate the prospect of seeing her with other people.

All I feel now when I think of her are anger and sadness. I know we can never truly have the sort of platonic relationship we had in the past but is there any way back for any sort of friendship between us?

I feel like I need to get her out of my system and move on and hope that maybe in the future when I'm in a different place we can have some kind of friendship again. Is that even possble?

December2012

You say that she "used" you, but it's not apparent from your post how that's the case?

I can understand being hurt that she does not reciprocate your feelings, I can, that sucks.

But (and you might not like this) I don't think you were fair to her either. It was a shock to her and you didn't give her a lot of time to think about it - I mean - who could she even talk it over with? You didn't tell friends and you were each others confidante.

December2012

I don't know if you can be friends again, it may take some time.

Can you even be near her now without hurting?

Maggotz

dilywn wrote: »

I'm a guy in my late 20's and for the 4 or 5 years my best friend has been a girl. We have a very close relationship and tell each other things that we tell nobody else. We get on really well even though we are very different people. About a year ago I started developing feelings for her. In the beginning I denied it to myself, partly because she was going out with someone at the time and partly because I didn't believe that she felt the same way. She subsequently broke up with the boyfriend but I still didn't do anything because I didn't want to make things awkward between us. As time went on though and she told me about guys that she fancied or whatever I started getting jealous and it got to the stage where I was going to have to act one way or the other.

One random night though completely out of the blue we ended up in bed together. It was like earlier in the night somone said to us something like “you guys are so close you should really go out together” and we both kind of looked at each other and said “yeah ok”. But in a “who's going to blink first-game of chicken kind of way”. It was like we both got into it and before we knew it we were in bed together. Afterwards I hit her with the truth that I had been holding back. She genuinely seemed shocked and elated.

I met her again the next day and for ages it was like as if nothing had happened. Neither of us were willing to talk about. Eventually I brought it up and she said that she was really nervous and that she couldn't lose me as a friend if it all went pear-shaped.

I met her again during the week for lunch and we had a kiss and a cuddle but it actually felt a bit weird and I could see that she was having trouble seeing me in this new light. That weekend I met up with her in town and we ended up sleeping together again. Afterwards she said that she thought the world of me but that the whole being friends thing was really bothering her.

Over the next month we talked everyday on the phone or in person. However we never hooked up again. The big issue was that we are part of a big group of friends and we both agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone else unless we were sure we were going to make a go of it. We both live with some of these other friends in separate houses and so it was hard to get any time alone together. Even though we were seeing each other all the time we never discussed what had happened. I did write her some letters in which I talked openly about my feelings. She told me that she loved them but never reciprocated. I felt that the whole thing had stalled. The worst part about all of this is that both of us had always been each other's go-to-guy for relationship problems and now we couldn't even discuss these issue with each other. Whenever I felt that things were not going anywhere she's ring me up and suggest that we go and do something together and she was very touchy feely in a way that she hadn't been before.

Eventually I brought things to a head and asked her straight up was she interested in me. She told me that she was but then fobbed me off about not being in the right place to date a friend. I told her that I was going to give her some space and not contact her until she had made up her mind what she wanted to do.

After 11 days I hadn't heard from her so I emailed her saying that it was obvious what her decisions was. She didn't reply and I didn't hear from her for another 4 days at which time it was as if the whole thing had never happened.

Since then (6 weeks) we haven't seen much of each other but we have been in contact maybe twice a week. In the back of my head I thought (crazily )that something might still happened but one day she asked me to call around to her place. When I was there she told me that she wanted me to hear it first from her that she was after meeting someone else who she really liked. At this point I got upset and told her how pissed off I was with her for not having the guts to tell me that she wasn't into me rather than drag things along. She apologised profusely and said that she realised that she had treated me badly but that she genuinely thought that we might have a shot together but that the right moment never came along. All she wanted to know was would we still be friends. I told her that I didn't know and needed some time away from her.

I hadn't talked to her in a week and today I got a text from her saying how sad she was that she couldn't talk to me any longer. She then went on to say that she feels horrible about how things ended up with us. I basically told her that she's just feeling guilty for using me.

So this whole thing has turned into a disaster. If this was some other girl I'd just cut her out of my life but the roots of our relationship are quite deep and inertwined. If I want to avoid her it means ostracising myself from a large chunk of my friends. Despite everything I still have feelings for her and hate the prospect of seeing her with other people.

All I feel now when I think of her are anger and sadness. I know we can never truly have the sort of platonic relationship we had in the past but is there any way back for any sort of friendship between us?

I feel like I need to get her out of my system and move on and hope that maybe in the future when I'm in a different place we can have some kind of friendship again. Is that even possble?

You can't play ducks and drakes in a situation like this and that's what you did

dilywn

December2012 wrote: »

You say that she "used" you, but it's not apparent from your post how that's the case?

I can understand being hurt that she does not reciprocate your feelings, I can, that sucks.

But (and you might not like this) I don't think you were fair to her either. It was a shock to her and you didn't give her a lot of time to think about it - I mean - who could she even talk it over with? You didn't tell friends and you were each others confidante.

Well as it went on I got the feeling that her heart wasn't really in it. As you said that sucks but that's life. People you're into aren't always into you the same way.
I brought it up fully expecting her to confirm that she just wasn't into me but she wouldn't. It was as if she wanted to keep the whole thing alive on some small level...just in case. Like an insurance policy just in case something better doesn't come along. I don't know if 'used' was the right word to describe being that insurance policy but whatever it was it wasn't pleasant.

dilywn

December2012 wrote: »

Can you even be near her now without hurting?

I don't know. I haven't seen her but I know it'll hurt me a lot to see her with another guy now.

dilywn

Maggotz wrote: »

You can't play ducks and drakes in a situation like this and that's what you did

The thing is that I don't regret hooking up with her. At that stage I had extremely strong feelings for her so there's a good chance that whether we hooked up or not I'd still feel crap hearing that she's going out with some new guy. In fact I'm glad that I gave it a shot as if I hadn't I know I would have always wondered "what if?"

ziedth

That really is messy,

At least you know and you went down swinging so you can be proud of that.


This is going to sound incredibly condescending and I don't mean it that way but life in my experience doesn't work out like the movies. I have never met a real life couple who were best friends for years and then fell in love. I'm sure it does happen but I can imagine it being very difficult.

Anyway, meeting someone else while leaving you in the wings was a pretty crappy thing to do so I understand your anger but I think it would be sad to loose a best friend over it. I doubt very much it's possible to go back to the way it was but if you tried to move on given time I don't see why you couldn't be friends again.

Chucky the tree

Not sure I'd even want to be friends with her if she treated me like that. I wouldn't want to lose a big chunk of friends so I just be polite whenever I see her but leave it at that. I wouldn't ever contact her again by text/email etc or arrange to meet up.

Lorna123

I am inclined to agree with you OP, that she did use you. I have no doubt that she knew all along that she didn't fancy you as a partner. There is no way that she had not thought about this before you actually slept together. She knew all along that you fancied her in this way, women always know. She could have told you sooner how she really felt. She would not have even been looking for a new guy had she fancied you. I agree with Chucky and I would not want to be friends with this girl the way you used to be. I don't think that is ever going to be an option now.

I don't blame you for being hurt OP, but I don't blame you for trying to make something out of this friendship either. You fancied this woman and you gave it your best shot and that is all you could do. You found out that she didn't feel the same and now it stings, but I don't think you can go back to the way you were. I think it is best if you move on for your own sake. It is nothing for her to want to be friends with you because her feelings were not hurt, but yours were and because of this you have to alienate yourself from her in order to heal. You can bid her the time of day but you cannot be friends with her again like you used to be because it will never work.

Big Bag of Chips

I honestly think she didn't deliberately set out to "use you" and upset you.

I think she had mixed feelings about you. She obviously knew she didn't fancy you enough, but thought maybe it might grow. I know you say you wish she had just told you out straight instead of dragging it out, but again, I think this was more of a "long good-bye".

It's very difficult to straight out tell someone, especially someone you are very close to, that you don't fancy them. Whatever she did she was going to upset you. Most people prefer to avoid the issue, rather than be direct about it. So her way of telling was, ignore it for a while and then tell you she met someone. That way she didn't directly have to say the words "I don't fancy you".

I know it would be nice if people were always open and honest like they are on telly.. but this is not telly. It's not scripted and people just muddle through doing what they think is right at the time.

This one didn't work out. Maybe down the line you can become friends again, but I don't think you will ever be as close as you were. Too much as happened, and you will both be more guarded around each other from now on.

dilywn

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I honestly think she didn't deliberately set out to "use you" and upset you.

I think she had mixed feelings about you. She obviously knew she didn't fancy you enough, but thought maybe it might grow. I know you say you wish she had just told you out straight instead of dragging it out, but again, I think this was more of a "long good-bye".

I think that this is probably pretty accurate.

I remember myself that I went out with a girl years ago and I wasn't really feeling it but I thought that if I kept at it that eventually I'd feel the same way about her as she did for me. Whenever she questioned me about my feelings for her I always evaded the issue as I didn't want to face the truth. In the end I ended up meeting another girl who i really liked and that made me realise that i was deluding myself with the first girl. I ended the relationship and she has hated me ever since for stringing her along like that. I always felt massively guilty about it and I learned a lot from it and haven't repeated the experience since.

Now the shoe is on the other foot. The thing is that I don't want to end up hating my friend. I don't want to revel in her misfortunes and feel contempt to her in the way that that other girl did with me for years after.