Ex confusion

LegacyUser

I'll try to keep this short but apologies if its a long one!

I am seeing a man who has a child from a previous relationship. Recently I have noticed the closeness of his relationship with the childs mother. (I am a parent myself so I do understand the situation etc. it is more than the usual parents/exes relationship i feel) This had led to me having some doubts over the relationship as I am unsure if I am comfortable enough to deal with this long term. I feel it is too close however this is MY issue, not something I would ask him to change as it is what works for them as a family. I have run a few scenarios I wasnt comfortable with by my friends (including those in similar circumstances) to play devils advocate and they find it all a bit strange and too close.
I do like him though and this is my only issue so far with this relationship.

I have children from a previous relationship also, up until recently the father was out of the picture completely due to a rough patch on his part... long story. Prior to his leaving he was very involved even when we were not together. The father has never hidden the fact he still loves me and regrets how our relationship panned out- alot of hurt and heartache caused by him, after multiple reconciliations. So now he is back in the picture, making all sorts of apologies and promises, which seem to be genuine. I told him that there was no chance of us getting back together and he seemed extremely hurt but said he knew deep down he hurt me too much and now he can start moving on properly. And we agreed to work at being friends and coparents.

But the thing is i dont think I believe it myself! I find myself thinking about us constantly. We have said we are going to try be friends and good parents to the kids but we are both still in love with each other. To make matters worse I did not have the heart to tell him about the new relationship, or perhaps deep down i just didnt want to.

I know I am being a horrible person and I genuinely want to allow things to develop with my new partner however the doubts about his ex seem to be compounded now due to my ex being on the scene too.
I know deep down that there is too much history and hurt with my ex but the heart wants what it wants and I cant stop the little voice that says give it a try (not now but eventually). And now when I can see how easy it is to feel for an ex who you have children with I feel even more concerned about my current partner's ex which leads to me not feeling hopeful or secure in the relationship.

I understand that I am being horrible that is why I have come on here to seek advice. I am thinking I should tell my ex about the new partner and go from there? btw the new relationship is very early days- so much so even most of my family don't know so its not entirely strange or malicious that I didnt tell my ex- although the reasons behind it may be, I am not sure.

I am feeling I will never be over him as he is the father of my children. I thought I was when he was not on the scene- only calls and texts- however he is now promising to be involved with the children again. And it will be good to be friends for the kids. Should I end things with the new partner out of respet for his feelings? I do not want to string anyone along or be cruel to anyone, I am just confused and dont know how to stop feeling this way.
Prior to my ex being on the scene I was feeling very happy in my current relationship however I was toying with ending it due to his ex- get out before i get hurt kind of thing- I was beginning to fall in love and felt if I did fall in love it would make ending things harder if the ex situation did become too much for me.

Thank you in advance.

LegacyUser

I look at this from a different perspective. My boyfriend has recently left me to go back to his ex. We were together for a year and, then his ex decided that she wanted him back. They had kids together as well, and the chance of reuniting his family again was one he jumped at. So... i lost him. I'm left utterly devastated and feeling horribly used. Its still early days and hopefully in a few months i'll be able to pick myself up off the ground.
OP, by the way you're talking about your ex, it sounds like you will get back together with him eventually.
Cut this new guy a break and let him go find someone else. Otherwise you're just being selfish and cruel. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Lorna123

So you are still in love with your ex but you like the new guy. It might be a better arrangement to try and fix things up with the father of your children and I would look at this scenario before I would contemplate on a new relationship that may not work out anyway.

It it too early to tell your ex about the new relationship that has barely gotten off the ground. You still have feelings for your ex so why not nurture these. You will always have this new guy calling to his wife about his kids and that is never going away, so for peace of mind I would try taking your ex back and give it one more try.

December2012

From what you say, you never got over your ex, and you split ultimately because he was going through a bad patch.

Therefore when you see your current fella and his ex getting on well you might be subconsciously assuming they never got over each other either.

That could be why you're annoyed at your fella / his ex - it's highlighting your feelings about your ex.