Friend Blames Me for Her Relationship Please help

Carlowgirl

Hi
I am new to this.. and really need some help / advise with a problem
My friend has accused me of ruining her relationship. I am completely shocked and also angry..
the three of us worked together but it was on a short time basis... they ended up going out and I was delighted for them but it soon became apparent that he was not as interested as her... he moved away to find work and the phone calls turned to the odd facebook message....
Then her late night rants/ phonecalls started.. I have a partner and he was very patient with me talking on the phone while he was trying to sleep... He also supported her and tried to give her advice.. Their relationship ended by email a short time after.. Over 6 months ago now.. she was devastated and I continued to support her... we invited her away for weekends , to any events we were going to etc...
As I knew him also I spoke to him on facebook regularly I never told him about the endless phonecalls/ rants.. etc as I did nt want to make her look bad... I did say it would be nice if we could all meet up as friends again and suggested he gave her a ring when he dust settled ... It was obvious he was not interested so I did nt push it... He told me he was in another relationship and not to tell her.. I debated over telling her and decided against it..
A few weeks later he was tagged in facebook with his new girlfriend so I decided to tell her... I also told him I was going to tell her... as it was obvious..
After I told her I said I cant be a go - between for her anymore as she was always using me for info on him.. as we did not only speak about work and I talked to him socially .. her reply was "now I have no link with him" ...
I noticed she kinda stopped calling me so I text her to ask was everything ok.. she said you've interfered with my relationship.. now he ll have bad memories of me forever and well never get back together..,...
I tried reasoning with her.. saying I did nt actually interfere it was just as we were all friends she was mentioned sometimes.. and she is adamant I ruined her relationship.. to be honest I kinda felt it was getting very unhealthy pinning..... for him for so long (when it was only a few week relationship)..

Iive tried to help her and be there for her and I feel like it s all been thrown back in my face.. and I was used for information... I told her my boyfriend said to me to be careful while she was ringing as there was a risk for it backfiring on me and she said "no I need you to help me with this"

Apart from being accused of ruining the relationship she also said I have nothing better to do with my self than interfere in other people s business...
and I was hurt by that as I only have a part time job and trying so hard to find full time employment she knew I was upset last week over the employment situation... I was also trying to suggest a date with my boyfriend s workmate and she said "hes a waster he works for such and such a company " when obviously she knew my partner worked there too...
Just really hurt to have this thrown on me now and there is no reasoning with her.. I told her to take it up with him now as it has gone too far with me.. and she still says I should nt of interfered... ???? hurt and (Also I think she has tried to hack my facebook account)

Stavro Mueller

I've just one question for you. Why do you consider this girl to be your friend?

Carlowgirl

Thanks for your reply...
I actually did think we were friends and I suppose part of me is questioning if I did interfere... I m very hurt and she just wouldn't answer the phone.. so its was all ranting text messages... I just feel like I m being used to take a bullet for this guy and I ve tried telling her its getting to be unhealthy that she is still upset... and nope.. no go!!!!
Im actually angry with her when I realise that all along she has looked down on my job.. my partners job.. when he works so hard.. and I really am trying my best....
I hope she comes around I really take these things to heart as I was blamed by a family member before for alchoholism in the family so I don't take these things lightly.... thank you for your reply

The_Conductor

Unfortunately- when you act as a piggy-in-the-middle, you will get burnt. She may or may not be over the guy- its irrelevant. You had absolutely no business mentioning him and his new girlfriend on Facebook- if she was to find out- so be it- but you come across as stirring things by mentioning it. You may have considered you were a good friend to her- but by having anything to do with him and drip feeding information to her- you were always going to end up in a bad light.

Carlowgirl

I appreciate your honesty... I know how it looks.. I ts a valuable lesson learned.. although I never wanted to be one of those people that say "im sorry that's not my business" I thought I was supporting her... I did think I was being a good friend.. I see now I should of told her it was not my problem.. I am a bit naïve and my boyfriend did warn her. and she said I need you to know what is going on with him.. ok lesson learned... I suppose ! now I know why they say don't shoot the messenger.. !!!!!!!

Stavro Mueller

While I agree wholeheartedly with what The Conductor has said, your "friend" also has to take responsibility for her actions. The relationship with her boyfriend didn't work out but it seems to have brought out her inner crazy lady. Ranting phone calls? Blaming you for interfering in a relationship that sounds like it never really got going in the first place? Pumping you for information on her (ex) boyfriend?

Aside from those, she's now stooping to making spiteful comments and may be trying to hack into your Facebook. I'm sorry but again I ask why on earth do you want someone as toxic and unbalanced as this in your life? Friends can and do have rows from time to time but this has turned very ugly indeed. For your own sanity you should cut her out of your life and be careful she doesn't get into your Facebook...

MagicMarker

OP, this is the kind of person you ignore and forget about.

Carlowgirl

Yes .. I had over twenty notification s from fb that someone was trying to change my password.. hack in etc..in the middle of ranting text messages... I suppose its ironic im being accused of interfering.. yet she is interfering with my private life.. yes it has turned ugly.. that s the worst thing... Iv e been hurt before and friends have spoken to my ex and I never blamed them or made an issue out of it as I knew they were my friends... !!!! She said she wants me to take responsibility for what I did but all I really did was tell her before she found out herself that he was with someone else.. I would personally have felt worse.. if I had lied and pretended that I didn't know.. I thought I was doing the right thing.. I really did that s the sad thing about it...

Stavro Mueller

I hope you're not still trying to make contact with this "friend" of yours. All you did wrong (if you want to call it a wrong) is that you stayed in contact with her ex and broke some bad news to her. Only someone thinking like her would think that that constitutes interfering.

If you've not done so already, cut this woman out of your life. You have nothing that you need to take responsibility for. Just accept that she has turned out to be a different person to who you thought she was and leave it at that. All you did was try to be a good friend but it was wasted on her.

If she's still at your Facebook, take a read of this http://null-byte.wonderhowto.com/how-to/4-ways-crack-facebook-password-and-protect-yourself-from-them-0139532/

maria34

To be honest i would tell her that this guy didnt want her and thats it. Who she thinks she is?

Carlowgirl

MagicMarker wrote: »

OP, this is the kind of person you ignore and forget about.

maria34 wrote: »

To be honest i would tell her that this guy didnt want her and thats it. Who she thinks she is?

I actually had to tell her that in the midst of all these ranting texts.. and I didn't like doing it.. I realise nothing I say will make her feel better ... im down over it but ill get over it.. feeling stupid I suppose I didn't keep my mouth shut....

Carlowgirl

cymbaline wrote: »

I hope you're not still trying to make contact with this "friend" of yours. All you did wrong (if you want to call it a wrong) is that you stayed in contact with her ex and broke some bad news to her. Only someone thinking like her would think that that constitutes interfering.

If you've not done so already, cut this woman out of your life. You have nothing that you need to take responsibility for. Just accept that she has turned out to be a different person to who you thought she was and leave it at that. All you did was try to be a good friend but it was wasted on her.

If she's still at your Facebook, take a read of this http://null-byte.wonderhowto.com/how-to/4-ways-crack-facebook-password-and-protect-yourself-from-them-0139532/

I just read that link and it has really freaked me out... I clicked on one of the links of 20+ emails so that could of set it up.. I have changed my password three times since so hopefully im safe enough.. Good website !!!

Oryx

This girl can't accept that the only reason why this guy isn't still with her is because he just didn't like HER. So it's his fault, then your fault. In her head it doesn't matter who is to blame as long as she can attack someone. Easier for her than sitting at home wondering why she is unlovable.

Unfortunately you have been caught up in her misery and put yourself in an impossible situation. All you can do is stop trying to be kind and tell her straight that him not liking her is nothing to do with you. Then don't contact her again even if she tries to provoke you. I would predict that she will be bitter but eventually all sorrowful and try to win you back. Beware that as she sounds far too needy to be a good friend.

Carlowgirl

Oryx wrote: »

This girl can't accept that the only reason why this guy isn't still with her is because he just didn't like HER. So it's his fault, then your fault. In her head it doesn't matter who is to blame as long as she can attack someone. Easier for her than sitting at home wondering why she is unlovable.

Unfortunately you have been caught up in her misery and put yourself in an impossible situation. All you can do is stop trying to be kind and tell her straight that him not liking her is nothing to do with you. Then don't contact her again even if she tries to provoke you. I would predict that she will be bitter but eventually all sorrowful and try to win you back. Beware that as she sounds far too needy to be a good friend.

Hi Thank you for your reply...
I actually had text her and said to ring me when she calms downs to talk about this ..I actually just did this to put a stop to it because I don't like arguments and conflict... it makes me sick in my stomach... and now I feel like ive admitted defeat and given her control... as really it should be when I calm down.. I am not an assertive person.. and that whats get me.. I let people like her pull me in all directions all the time.. its not the first time something like this has happens.. suppose it s time to learn.. !!!!Thanks once again..

Stavro Mueller

If you want to learn how to be more assertive, here is a great place to start. We all make mistakes but if you learn from them it's not so bad. Draw a line under this and consign this woman to your past. Should she ever come crawling back, ignore her calls and texts. You are not obliged to engage with her after how she treated you.

Dellnum

This girl knows that the guy didn't want her but she won't face up to it. She has lost face with you over this and in order to make herself feel better she is trying to blame you, which is ridiculous really. You have nothing to feel bad about, you did your best to get her to see sense, you were a real friend to her. If she still refuses to talk to you just cut her dead and in time she will realize the error of her ways.

She Who Dares Wins

Lady stop feeling bad about this yoke! She has almighty issues that you, you bf, the other fella...or Dr Phil couldnt remedy. She cant even see rational reality let alone accept it. Taking it out on you is just a distraction for her self esteem from the reality that she wasnt wanted by him and was easily replaced. Take yourself totally out of the line of fire. She may very well come crawling back at some stage but I wouldnt entertain her for a second. Put your energy into your job hunt and if shes critiquing your partners job in a backhanded way you now see the real person and not the one you thought you knew.

Carlowgirl

Dellnum wrote: »

This girl knows that the guy didn't want her but she won't face up to it. She has lost face with you over this and in order to make herself feel better she is trying to blame you, which is ridiculous really. You have nothing to feel bad about, you did your best to get her to see sense, you were a real friend to her. If she still refuses to talk to you just cut her dead and in time she will realize the error of her ways.

Thank you xxx

Carlowgirl

She Who Dares Wins wrote: »

Lady stop feeling bad about this yoke! She has almighty issues that you, you bf, the other fella...or Dr Phil couldnt remedy. She cant even see rational reality let alone accept it. Taking it out on you is just a distraction for her self esteem from the reality that she wasnt wanted by him and was easily replaced. Take yourself totally out of the line of fire. She may very well come crawling back at some stage but I wouldnt entertain her for a second. Put your energy into your job hunt and if shes critiquing your partners job in a backhanded way you now see the real person and not the one you thought you knew.

Thank you. also for your reply.. I haven't contacted her at all .. I need to think to think about if I can trust her again... anyway maybe she has no more "use" for me either.. I wouldn't mind my partners job is actually good he is just not a lawyer or a doctor or anything big.. and I am well educated also .. its just very soul destroying to find work from my degrees.. and the last thing you need is someone reminding you of that .. thank you once againxxx

Stavro Mueller

Carlowgirl wrote: »

Thank you. also for your reply.. I haven't contacted her at all .. I need to think to think about if I can trust her again... anyway maybe she has no more "use" for me either.. I wouldn't mind my partners job is actually good he is just not a lawyer or a doctor or anything big.. and I am well educated also .. its just very soul destroying to find work from my degrees.. and the last thing you need is someone reminding you of that .. thank you once againxxx

These are all very good reasons why you shouldn't let this woman back into your life. You were annoyed at yourself yesterday for giving her control. Yet you're still thinking you can be friends with someone who looks down on you and your partner.

Tell me. What is it about her that is so wonderful?

P.Dublin

She's not a friend. Don't contact her, forget about her. How could she possible blame you? Clearly she is a very selfish person who only cares about her own feelings. If she cared about yours she wouldn't have rang you every night, and if she cared about his, she would have let him be. There's nothing worse than an ex that won't let go. This person has no empathy, and does not deserve your friendship. My advise is to cut off all ties if possible, and not to feel guilty about it. Protect your feelings from toxic bitches such as this so called friend.

Carlowgirl

P.Dublin wrote: »

She's not a friend. Don't contact her, forget about her. How could she possible blame you? Clearly she is a very selfish person who only cares about her own feelings. If she cared about yours she wouldn't have rang you every night, and if she cared about his, she would have let him be. There's nothing worse than an ex that won't let go. This person has no empathy, and does not deserve your friendship. My advise is to cut off all ties if possible, and not to feel guilty about it. Protect your feelings from toxic bitches such as this so called friend.

The last thing I said to her was to ring me when she calmed down and wed talk about it.. after two weeks passed.. I emailed her and told her not to bother... explained my side of the story .. said I was hurt over it.. but felt if she worried more over some guy she was with for a few months.. than her friends than obviously she doesn't think much of her friends.. probably should nt of bothered... but I felt I was waiting on the apology.. or two long... she has good points too and I miss that... its a pity she let this guy drive her insane... especially when he has never given it a second thought... !!!!
Thanks for the replies...

P.Dublin

No Problem. Unfortunately, although you do deserve an apology, I fear you will never receive one. I will hurt for a while but in time it will not. Remember, you sound like a good person, and most importantly you did the right thing. Feel good about that.