Trust issues

LegacyUser

To cut a long story short, I have major trust issues with boyfriends. I know where it stems from, 4 significant ex’s, all 3 – 4 year relationships ended with either them cheating on me or lying to me. After the last one end in about 2007, I’ve kept myself to myself and just got on with life, with a few short hook ups but nothing serious or as soon as it starts to look serious I run a mile screaming. I’m just sick of been hurt and made a fool of, I’m quite an independent girl and can honestly say I’m happy with my life and my lot.

Last year I had a cheeky snog with a guy i’ve know for about a year. The next six month we’ve formed a really good friendship and the tension was building between us, which all came to head about 2 months ago. We’ve started seeing other now which is great. My problem is I just don’t believe him when he tells me things, we had pretty big chat last week and laid our cards on the table as to where we heading and making sure we’re both on the same page, which appears we are.

It weird though, when he tells me things like he misses me or loves me I just don’t believe him, I’m trying really hard to get past this, as he’s a wonderful guy, really attentive, affectionate, loving, ticks all the boxes as the saying goes. It’s just I’ve heard it all before. I know I really just need to get over myself and jump in with 2 feet, throw caution to the wind and if I get hurt again I get hurt, but I’m struggling with it a lot.

Any advise for me?

Lorna123

I understand what you are saying OP, but all you can do is just believe that he means what he says at the time because none of us have any guarantees of the future. Don't meet trouble half way and enjoy what you have for now. Not all relationships turn out the same way and this could be your lucky break.

Merkin

Need Help with trust wrote: »

It weird though, when he tells me things like he misses me or loves me I just don’t believe him, I’m trying really hard to get past this, as he’s a wonderful guy, really attentive, affectionate, loving, ticks all the boxes as the saying goes. It’s just I’ve heard it all before. I know I really just need to get over myself and jump in with 2 feet, throw caution to the wind and if I get hurt again I get hurt, but I’m struggling with it a lot.

I don't agree. When you've been hurt really badly you absolutely should exercise caution, you need to protect your little heart so jumping in with both feet ISN'T advisable necessarily. Why on earth should you? You set your own pace and enjoy every moment but you're right to exercise a little bit of caution and adopt a wait and see approach. You're only dating two months so it is very early days on the grand scheme of things.

Just do please tell your boyfriend this so he can be patient and understanding and will appreciate why you may be a little aloof at times.

Also actions speak louder than words. All those feckers in your past probably told you all sorts but ultimately let you down. The good ones don't. If this one says he'll do something and does it then he's a keeper.

My advice is to take things slowly but to enjoy every blissful moment and do also leave your heart open to loving and being really loved. Falling in love is the most amazing feeling EVER but it's not a race either. Maybe you've fallen headlong in previous relationships whereas taking things that little bit slower this time may do you no harm.

Hope it works out x

December2012

Well done for recognising your understandable problem with trust.

If you feel that it's not something that you can drop by yourself you might find that talking to a therapist can help you learn how to relax and trust, and yet protect your heart at the same time.

Magicmatilda

I was also hurt badly in my last relationship. Betrayed completely. I'm not in another yet but I do worry that I will have trust issues. However they was I look at it is that I knew deep down, instinctively, last time that something was wrong. I ignored that instinct. So all I can do in future is trust myself to listen to my own instinct and act on it.

Not sure if that helps, as I say I haven't had to try it yet!

Neyite

I agree with Merkin, you should be cautious at the beginning of a new relationship, but you do need to ensure that you are not holding one person responsible for the failings of others.

If your boss kept blaming you for mistakes that were made by your predecessors in the job, you'd be rightly annoyed and it would be highly unfair. Same applies with a relationship. You can be aware of the pitfalls that can occur, but at some point you have to give that person trust if you want any kind of a future in the relationship.

leyton

hiya hun, i know what you mean and actions do speak so much louder than words. how are his actions? does he make you feel loved? if its just words and nothing to back up the words, then id be cautious but go by his actions.
i understand how you are holding back as getting heartbroken is the worst feeling in the world but you also could miss out on your true love by holding back. nothing in life is guaranteed, sure we could die tomorrow so just live each day like your last and allow yourself to trust him. its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved