Trust issues - Did I over react?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Sorry this is long.

I've been with my partner close to 3 years now. It's been rocky. There are huge amount of trust issues. There are two main things I have a problem with (and that we fight over).

I caught him flirting with someone about 6 months into our relationship. It was not mutual as she didn't entertain it. We bumped into her over the weekend by a freak coincidence with her friend in the hotel we were staying in. He said to me 'are you ok with this?' i said 'i'm fine, just don't flirt with her again' in a jokey way.

The next day we were getting ready to go out for something to eat and he said 'I'm going to pop in to the girls next door for a drink'. I looked away and said I'd be 15mins getting ready and i was hungry. I was fuming inside that he was actually going to go into the room of a girl who he had flirted with during our relationship.

As I said i was fuming. I went down to the hotel bar and had a drink, expecting to get a phone call asking where I was. An hour and a half went by and I heard nothing from him. I was tempted to just leave but a friend convinced me to confront him. I went up the girls hotel room, knocked on the door and asked him to come out.

I called him a prick, told him what he did was extremely disrespectful and had he no consideration for my feelings. He basically said that I was over reacting that he was only having a drink.

Am I wrong in thinking that he really overstepped the mark here?

Now I know in my heart of hearts that no funny business went on in the room as there was other people there and they were just chatting but still, this is the room of a girl we'd previously had an argument over him flirting with.

Merkin

amicrazy? wrote: »

I called him a prick, told him what he did was extremely disrespectful and had he no consideration for my feelings.

That's exactly what I thought when I read your post. You know, if he wasn't a liar and deceitful you could maybe forgive him getting caught up in the moment and let it go. The fact is that he was due to meet you for dinner and went off to spend time with someone who he tried to pursue in the past - it shows a total lack of respect tbh. So in answer to your question whether you overreacted I would say not at all. If you can't trust your partner then it's not a great foundation for a happy and healthy relationship in my opinion.

P. Breathnach

Yes, he was out of order.

I suggest that you work on getting yourself into a calm state, and then ask him why he thinks what he did was harmless. Listen to his answer, and consider it.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Yes, he was out of order.

I suggest that you work on getting yourself into a calm state, and then ask him why he thinks what he did was harmless. Listen to his answer, and consider it.

These were his reasons:

He told me that since I didn't object to him going in that he thought I was ok with it. He said that since nothing actually happened and the flirting was minimum (he could *possibly* have a point here as this is how the flirting went 'Hey, just been looking through some of your photos, you are hot!') and that it was a few years ago he didn't think 'just having a drink with someone' would be that big of a deal.

He said that he presumed by me saying 'I'll be ready in 15mins' that I would come into the room when I was ready for a drink also.

Lorna123

I can't get my head around this. You both went away and met 2 women staying in the same hotel as you, one of them whom he flirted with 2.5 years ago. So while you were getting ready to go for a drink and something to eat he decides to pop into their room for a drink (without being invited, or was he?). Did he expect you to follow him into their room when you were ready, or did you expect him to spend 15 minutes there and then come back to collect you to go for dinner, drinks ?

Were the two of you invited to this room for drinks and then he decided as he was ready and you weren't that he would go while waiting for you?

The part I find disrespectful is not that he went to this room for drinks if there was a crowd there anyway, but that he didn't come back after 20 minutes max to collect you. Surely he realized that after an hour and a half there must be something wrong if you didn't turn up at this room (if that was the arrangement). I would be annoyed that I had to go and look for him to be honest. That's the part that would annoy me the most. But if you said you would follow him to this room and then didn't then I would think that he was just waiting for you.

I don't think that it was disrespectful for him to go this girl's room when there was a crowd going there for drinks. There is absolutely nothing going on between them, but he should have come back for you after 20 minutes and not be still there an hour and a half later and not wondering where you were.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

I can't get my head around this. You both went away and met 2 women staying in the same hotel as you, one of them whom he flirted with 2.5 years ago. So while you were getting ready to go for a drink and something to eat he decides to pop into their room for a drink (without being invited, or was he?). Did he expect you to follow him into their room when you were ready, or did you expect him to spend 15 minutes there and then come back to collect you to go for dinner, drinks ?

Were the two of you invited to this room for drinks and then he decided as he was ready and you weren't that he would go while waiting for you?

The part I find disrespectful is not that he went to this room for drinks if there was a crowd there anyway, but that he didn't come back after 20 minutes max to collect you. Surely he realized that after an hour and a half there must be something wrong if you didn't turn up at this room (if that was the arrangement). I would be annoyed that I had to go and look for him to be honest. That's the part that would annoy me the most. But if you said you would follow him to this room and then didn't then I would think that he was just waiting for you.

I don't think that it was disrespectful for him to go this girl's room when there was a crowd going there for drinks. There is absolutely nothing going on between them, but he should have come back for you after 20 minutes and not be still there an hour and a half later and not wondering where you were.

She had said to both of us earlier in the day to come in for drinks before going out. I never said I would. He expected me to follow him in. I expected him to come back after 15mins. I guess this was a communication issue but I would have thought that if I didn't arrive that he would have come looking for me.

I never said I would follow him in, he just presumed I would.

Afterwards he said 'why didn't you just come in when you were ready and I would have left' and i explained to him that i didn't want to go into her room and I didn't think I should have had to go in and 'collect' him and that he should have wondered where I was after the 15-20min mark.

December2012

So telling a girl she's hot is flirting?

I think you over reacted then!

I think the fact that you went off to the bar instead of calling into where you knew he was, expecting him to come running after you is over dramatic and game playing.

You presumably rang a friend and gave out about it and you only went to get him because he didnt come to you.

To answer your question I think you are in the wrong and over dramatic.

Stench Blossoms

December2012 wrote: »

So telling a girl she's hot is flirting?

I think you over reacted then!

I think the fact that you went off to the bar instead of calling into where you knew he was, expecting him to come running after you is over dramatic and game playing.

You presumably rang a friend and gave out about it and you only went to get him because he didnt come to you.

To answer your question I think you are in the wrong and over dramatic.

If I found out my boyfriend was telling other girls they were hot I'd be pretty annoyed.

December2012

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

If I found out my boyfriend was telling other girls they were hot I'd be pretty annoyed.

I don't think you can simply isolate words like that from his intentions or actions. By themselves it's hardly something to get so worked up over a few years later.

Surely he deserves some trust?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

So telling a girl she's hot is flirting?

I think you over reacted then!

I think the fact that you went off to the bar instead of calling into where you knew he was, expecting him to come running after you is over dramatic and game playing.

You presumably rang a friend and gave out about it and you only went to get him because he didnt come to you.

To answer your question I think you are in the wrong and over dramatic.

I understand where you are coming from. This is not the only girl he has 'flirted' with though. He was engaging in 'sex texts' with someone else as well around the same time. The only reason why this 'flirting' i believe was cut short was because the girl here wasn't entertaining it.

The fact that he said to me as well as soon as we bumped into her 'are you ok with this?' to me implies that he knew I might be mad/upset about this but yet still chose to go into her room.

Stench Blossoms

December2012 wrote: »

I don't think you can simply isolate words like that from his intentions or actions. By themselves it's hardly something to get so worked up over a few years later.

Surely he deserves some trust?

I dunno, I would never tell a guy I thought they were hot while in a relationship. I just don't think it's appropriate.

Babooshka

amicrazy? wrote: »

I understand where you are coming from. This is not the only girl he has 'flirted' with though. He was engaging in 'sex texts' with someone else as well around the same time. .

If I knew someone I was seeing was engaging in this behaviour I would leave them, end of, no questions, arguments or debates, they just wouldn't be for me. fair enough if you can live with a man who does that, not for me thanks.

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

I dunno, I would never tell a guy I thought they were hot while in a relationship. I just don't think it's appropriate.

You've hit the nail on the head for me. It's intellectually and emotionally immature behaviour. I can appreciate a good looking man, and while I may tell a friend that I find him attractive, or think it, I would not tell him to his face or ever engage in flirting with him either in front of, or behind the back of my partner. You just don't do it if you're serious about your relationship, unless you're in a mutually open one. He sounds like an idiot who constantly looks for opportunities to spend time with other women. Sex texting other women...blarrgh, vomit, not good enough.

Lorna123

amicrazy wrote: »

She had said to both of us earlier in the day to come in for drinks before going out. I never said I would. He expected me to follow him in. I expected him to come back after 15mins. I guess this was a communication issue but I would have thought that if I didn't arrive that he would have come looking for me.

I never said I would follow him in, he just presumed I would.

Afterwards he said 'why didn't you just come in when you were ready and I would have left' and i explained to him that i didn't want to go into her room and I didn't think I should have had to go in and 'collect' him and that he should have wondered where I was after the 15-20min mark.

Okay so now I think there was a communication issue. He thought you were coming in when you were ready and you thought he was coming out after 15 minutes to collect you.

Yes, he should have wondered where you were after 20 mins and come out to see where you were no later than 30 minutes. That was a bit odd alright, but when he asked you were you okay with him going to this girl's room for drinks you said you were, but in effect you weren't.

I dunno, I just think it was bloody odd that he never came to look for you and yes, I would be mad at that. I would not bring the other girl into it though as that is long since forgotten. I really don't think it is worth fighting over at this stage, it is over and done with now and there isn't much he can do to change what happened. In future, don't let him leave the room unless specific arrangements are made

wallycharlo

amicrazy? wrote: »

...I went down to the hotel bar and had a drink, expecting to get a phone call asking where I was. An hour and a half went by and I heard nothing from him...

Did you consider at any stage calling him and asking him where the hell he was?

I would certainly have done so myself. That said I would not just have turned away and said nothing when he set out his intentions, I would have let him know how I felt about this there and then.

LegacyUser

His phone was dead and in our room.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

Yes, he should have wondered where you were after 20 mins and come out to see where you were no later than 30 minutes. That was a bit odd alright, but when he asked you were you okay with him going to this girl's room for drinks you said you were, but in effect you weren't.

I never said I was ok with it. He didn't ask, he just made a statement and left.

I didn't say anything because I was in shock that he was actually going.

Taltos

Lorna123 & Babooshka - you both know the charter here.
If you've an issue with a post report it.
If you have no constructive advice to offer - don't post, similarly muppetry is not tolerated at all.

Posters have been banned from here for less. If you are anyway unsure please take some time now to review our charter. If you find you cannot post in a manner that is acceptable here then please reconsider before you post at all.

<Posts Deleted>

Taltos

Meller

The part that would annoy me about his behaviour here is that, in my opinion, he would've had to have known this would bother you. He's been in a relationship with you for three years, and you claim to have trust issues- presumably he is aware of this to some extent at least. How could it not occur to him that this would bother you?! Did he not wonder where you were? I'm sure he had to have. I doubt any guy who's been going out with any girl who has even slight trust issues, for three whole years, would think that she'd be okay with this an hour and a half later.

So, I would assume he knew deep down that this would bother you or irritate you. Maybe it was sort of an act of rebellion, if he feels a bit constricted or something. I have some trust issues too and I've known my boyfriend to occasionally do things just for the sake of saying 'look I'm free to do this and there's nothing technically wrong with it, even though I know you won't like it', if he's a bit pissed off or something. It's immature but sometimes it's how we instinctively react. I doubt that your bf was the slightest bit bothered about the girl, but I'm sure he knew *you* would be, so I think it was very disrespectful to treat you like that.

homerjay2005

amicrazy? wrote: »

I went down to the hotel bar and had a drink, expecting to get a phone call asking where I was. An hour and a half went by and I heard nothing from him.

dont understand this part, you cant blame him for everything when you ignored him also. he was probably waiting for you to come and join them when you were ready. you said you were ok with it, so how was he supposed to know you were lying? you mention a communication issue, this appears to be 100% on your side.

you could have avoided this by going next door when you were ready and keeping to your plan. you played a silly game, lost it and yes, you did over react.

apologise to him, tell him that it wont happen again and it should sort itself out.

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

If I found out my boyfriend was telling other girls they were hot I'd be pretty annoyed.

annoyed over what? shows a lack of trust or self doubt, if stating something obvious annoys you.

CaraMay

It's very strange that he would risk p'ing you off with this girl again...

He doesn't respect you op. He scarpered off the first chance he got and left you sitting pretty for over an hour. This on top of his sexting would leave me with serious doubts about him and his loyalty to you. In fairness to him if he thinks he cab get away with it what's to stop him doing it again.

ronjo

amicrazy? wrote: »

I went down to the hotel bar and had a drink, expecting to get a phone call asking where I was.

amicrazy? wrote: »

His phone was dead and in our room.

Just one thing.
If you knew his phone was dead in your room did you honestly expect him to call?

LegacyUser

ronjo wrote: »

Just one thing.
If you knew his phone was dead in your room did you honestly expect him to call?

It was charging. He could have made a call after 15mins of it charging.

homerjay2005 wrote: »

dont understand this part, you cant blame him for everything when you ignored him also. he was probably waiting for you to come and join them when you were ready. you said you were ok with it, so how was he supposed to know you were lying? you mention a communication issue, this appears to be 100% on your side.

I NEVER said I would join him. I said I was ok with regarding her being there. He asked me if I wanted to change rooms and I said no but that's not me being 100% fine with the fact that she was next door to us.

Why would I want to go into a girls room, who I don't know, but i know that my bf fancies?

ronjo

In general he was in the wrong in my opinion but if you had just gone to collect him instead of going downstairs on your own then the issue could have been defused quite easily.

Chucky the tree

It seems to me like to purposely wanted to the blow situation up so your could show your boyfriend how angry you were. If after 2.5 years you still can't trust him then I think it's best to end it

wallycharlo

OP, I can certainly see why you are upset at what happenend here, and I think that any reasonable person would also be.

But it also seems to me that you made no effort on your side to lessen or indeed avoid the conflcit here. You clearly had issues with this other girl, and perhaps rightly so. But a firm word with your boyfriend that you were not happy with him going to their room, or indeed going to get him as soon as you were ready instead of waiting downstairs to make a point would have been the better way to approach this in my view.

Neyite

I think you both behaved badly, but I think that you came out looking the worst to be honest. You looked surly, childish, jealous and lost the higher moral ground here. You wanted him to come chasing you when you didnt turn up. He didnt, and you got annoyed and picked a fight. You were playing games and it backfired.

Yes. you over-reacted. A far more mature response would be to follow him to the room when you were ready, socialise briefly with everybody else, then mention to him that it was time to go, and not be jealous of a girl who has shown your boyfriend zero interest in the first place. Your issue is with him and your own jealousy, not her. You don't trust him, but rather than address that, or kick him to the kerb, you focus your energies on the women he has tried it on with.

And the reason he went to her room? To rile you, maybe, or maybe to try again to impress her. But if there are no consequences for him behaving that way, for instance, you dumping him, then there is no reason for him to change his behaviour. You'll give out to him, but ultimately you'll let him treat you with disrespect because you stay with him.

LittleBook

I seem to be interpreting this differently to others.

So, earlier in the day you were both invited to a room for drinks before dinner with a group of people, you were busy getting ready so your boyfriend headed in first. He expected you to follow him in ... ask yourself honestly, why didn't you go in? To punish him for daring to have a drink with a group of people that included someone he flirted with years ago?

amicrazy? wrote: »

Why would I want to go into a girls room, who I don't know, but i know that my bf fancies?

You know nothing of the sort, all you know is that he fancieD her years ago.

With trust in a relationship, there should have been nothing more to this than a miscommunication (I thought you'd follow me in, I thought you'd follow me down) dragged out by stubbornness and/or carelessness and, on the face on it, his interpretation of the situation makes more sense to me.

But OP, you are clearly holding onto somethings that happened two and a half years ago ... how serious were you about each other at that point?

I personally would not be judging the man I was with for three years based on some crap he pulled a few months into our relationship ... he either would have earned and merited my trust by now or he never would.