Making contact with ex?

LegacyUser

Folks,

This will seem a little trivial compared to other threads, but I would appreciate some advice.

I broke up with my gf almost 2 months ago. We were in a Long Distance relationship at that stage and to cut a long story short, she decided she wanted to stay where she was, despite having previously talked about and agreeing to go somewhere together and try to make it work. Things went downhill from then, she ended up telling me that she wasn't sure if she loved me any more. This coupled with the bleak prospects of any sort of future together, meant we broke up (there was no way it could have worked me going to where she lives, language, work etc).

We broke up over a skype chat, which was pretty horrible. She didn't really explain much, but a couple of weeks later I got a letter in the post, which was a fairly long "it's not you, it's me" type of thing. I sent her an email back, acknowledging the letter and just saying that I was trying to look forward not back. She responded, saying that she hopes to hear from me again.

We haven't been in contact since. At times I think I'm dealing with it pretty well, other times I'm not. I just have this hollow feeling. I know that cutting contact until I'm over it is the best thing for me, but I still love her and am genuinely worried about how she is, if she is happy etc (she sounded very low in the letter she wrote to me). On the other hand, I blame her for the break up and feel that it is not my concern anymore whether she is happy or not.

It is the anniversary of her father's death in a couple of weeks and I had thought I would send her a message that day. But now I don't know if that is the right day to re-establish contact or not. I was thinking of sending a fairly bland 'how are you?' message before, so that would be out of the way.

Should I just leave contacting her altogether? I would feel awful if I let her Dad's anniversary pass without sending any message, but then am I just doing it to make me feel better, when it might not be the best day for her to get a message from me?

ibarelycare

I think you've done very well by managing not to be in contact for 2 months. It's very difficult to do.

I don't see the harm in sending a message to her, maybe not on her dad's anniversary itself, but perhaps a few days before. Just let her know that you're thinking of her at this time and you hope she's doing well. Leave it so that there's no obligation for her to reply. If she doesn't reply then you know that she's not interested in keeping contact.

LegacyUser

Personally, I would leave it at no contact. I believe it to be the only way to really get over someone. You say you still love her, you're nowhere near the over her stage.

I know it might seem callous not to text upon the anniversary. I'm sure it is also a particulary emotive time for you had you been there for her at time of his passing or previous anniversaries. You are obviously a caring guy, but caring for her was part of a relationship that is now gone.

Friendships often turn to relationships but rarely go the opposite direction. The truth of the matter is most people have seen there exes through some tough times and been there to support them. It's no longer your place to do so. Keep moving on with your own life.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I'm not sure exactly why I feel like making contact to be honest. I don't really have any interest in being friends. This was the most important relationship of my life and I thought it would be the last. It was the same for her. I don't think it is feasible to go from there to being friends. But I can't turn off the feelings like a tap.

I guess part of it is, that while at present it is impossible for us to be together for practical reasons, they might change in the future...part of me doesn't want to give up on the possibility of it working out in the future, even though I know this doesn't help moving on. There is also a lot of unanswered questions for me, which I didn't care about at the time of the break up, but now I can't stop thinking about.

I wasn't with her at the time of her Dad's death and it was something she never ever opened up about. I accept the advice of making no contact whatsoever, but I wouldn't feel right not sending any sort of message.

earnyourturns

I think in these situations you really have to just be guided about what feels right so.