Is it condescending to give a friend money for birthday?

LegacyUser

Hey all

It's a friend's 30th this weekend. We use to be very close, but we've drifted away in the last while - as happens.

Anyway - I want to get her something nice for her 30th (we always used to talk about how the 30th was a big deal), but I know that she's in a bit of a bad way financially.

I know that giving her cash instead of buying her something that she could live without would be better for her - but I don't want to come across as condescending. I've never been given money by a friend for a birthday, and I don't think it's the norm.

The alternative is getting her some One 4 All vouchers, but, even then, I know cash would be handier.

My worry is that if I gave her a card with money in it that she'd feel bad.

What do you think?

Thanks

Lyra Fangs

Un_Sure wrote: »

Hey all

It's a friend's 30th this weekend. We use to be very close, but we've drifted away in the last while - as happens.

Anyway - I want to get her something nice for her 30th (we always used to talk about how the 30th was a big deal), but I know that she's in a bit of a bad way financially.

I know that giving her cash instead of buying her something that she could live without would be better for her - but I don't want to come across as condescending. I've never been given money by a friend for a birthday, and I don't think it's the norm.

The alternative is getting her some One 4 All vouchers, but, even then, I know cash would be handier.

My worry is that if I gave her a card with money in it that she'd feel bad.

What do you think?

Thanks

I don't see any problem with giving someone money in a card. She won't automatically think it's because of her situation and money is a far more suitable present for someone that age than a gift that might not even be used.

December2012

I love getting cash! I think it's very personal - you can spend it on what you want, not what somebody else wants to give you.

It's a great gift.

JustAThought

December2012 wrote: »

I love getting cash! I think it's very personal - you can spend it on what you want, not what somebody else wants to give you.

It's a great gift.

Voucher is better IMO - do you know from
Her what she might enjoy - a treat for a place for herself ( spa) or would she rather have a fancy voucher for the likes of Brown Thomas ( make up departments) - I noticed today TK MaX accept all for one vouchers so she could use one of them there if clothes was her thing.

I like the All for One idea - slightly more personal, but very flexible. & a good card.

Problem with giving
Money is when it's your 30th she will feel obliged to give the same amount back ( it's really like a loan!) if she's already in poor financial condition will this a tally end up putting her under even more pressure!?

ShaShaBear

I do like getting money and/or vouchers for my birthday and because things have always been tight for me, I usually tell everyone if they are getting me something I would prefer the money for it (before people jump on me, I tell this to people who normally get me presents and always ask me what I want). If a bill needs paying or I'm short on food money, my birthday can really pick things up. But if I had a voucher I'd be forced to get something for myself, that I might want but not need, and I'd feel sorta guilty, even though it didn't cost me anything. That's just my own opinion.

Lorna123

There's nothing like opening a card and seeing money inside. I wouldn't be insulted I can tell you that and yes I would much prefer it to getting something that I don't like and won't use. It is very difficult to pick presents for people these days because we all have different tastes. Vouchers are okay but only if you can buy what you really want with them. I find it more awkward presenting a voucher to an assistant then just giving them cash. You can give me money anytime OP.

CaraMay

I think I would be abut embarrassed, grateful but embarrassed.

December2012

JustAThought wrote: »

Voucher is better IMO - do you know from
Her what she might enjoy - a treat for a place for herself ( spa) or would she rather have a fancy voucher for the likes of Brown Thomas ( make up departments) - I noticed today TK MaX accept all for one vouchers so she could use one of them there if clothes was her thing.

I like the All for One idea - slightly more personal, but very flexible. & a good card.

Problem with giving
Money is when it's your 30th she will feel obliged to give the same amount back ( it's really like a loan!) if she's already in poor financial condition will this a tally end up putting her under even more pressure!?

The problem with a voucher is that it can cost more money - either to the gift giver (you won't get much under 40€ in a spa) or the recipient (here's a 20€ voucher for a shop that you now have to put money to).

If she has financial worries then she's already having a treat by having a night out for herself.

Dave McDavis

Un_Sure wrote: »

Hey all

It's a friend's 30th this weekend. We use to be very close, but we've drifted away in the last while - as happens.

Anyway - I want to get her something nice for her 30th (we always used to talk about how the 30th was a big deal), but I know that she's in a bit of a bad way financially.

I know that giving her cash instead of buying her something that she could live without would be better for her - but I don't want to come across as condescending. I've never been given money by a friend for a birthday, and I don't think it's the norm.

The alternative is getting her some One 4 All vouchers, but, even then, I know cash would be handier.

My worry is that if I gave her a card with money in it that she'd feel bad.

What do you think?

Thanks

Cash is a thoughtless and lazy present chosen by a thoughtless and lazy person

Chattastrophe!

Personally I think a one4all voucher is a much better option. It's one thing to get a cash gift from a family member, but I'd find it very strange and awkward if I got this from a friend.

Merkin

I'd definitely go for a One 4 All voucher, tonnes of places accept them and it would be less embarrassing for her than receiving money

ivytwine

I wouldn't underestimate how much your friend would like something nice! When you're broke something like getting your nails done can feel like an impossible luxury...

For example if I run out of foundation I
mightn't be able to replace it right away, but I'd a voucher for BT, problem solved! My mother has been getting me BT vouchers for a couple of years, I mightn't use them for ages, but they are good for when I do need new beauty things and I'm too cash broke for them.

I was stony broke last birthday, and my three closest friends, all earning, clubbed together and got me a kindle. It would hardly bring me out of penury but I was delighted to have it, something nice I couldn't afford...

Unless you're planning to give her a couple of hundred grand, whatever money you give her won't get her out of her current situation. There's also the issue of her feeling obliged to give a similar amount to you as someone mentioned above.

I think getting her a voucher is a far better idea tbh....

meeeeh

I don't mind getting cash from family but cash from friends would be a bit insulting to me.

sligoface

+1 on one for all voucher, a friend giving money seems awkward and also thoughtless. You're obviously putting thought into it but it won't seem like that when she opens the card, especially since you've drifted apart a bit. Or, you could say it to her before you see her , ring and say something ,like 'I don't know what to get you, I was going to get you a voucher but I just put cash in a card instead, I hope that's okay."

CaraMay

sligoface wrote: »

, you could say it to her before you see her , ring and say something ,like 'I don't know what to get you, I was going to get you a voucher but I just put cash in a card instead, I hope that's okay."

That's a good idea

Atlantic Dawn

Cash is king, voucher locks them to certain stores and in the current environment the store or voucher provider could go bust. I would much prefer to see €20 in cash than €20 in a voucher

sammy78

Un_Sure wrote: »

Hey all

It's a friend's 30th this weekend. We use to be very close, but we've drifted away in the last while - as happens.

Anyway - I want to get her something nice for her 30th (we always used to talk about how the 30th was a big deal), but I know that she's in a bit of a bad way financially.

I know that giving her cash instead of buying her something that she could live without would be better for her - but I don't want to come across as condescending. I've never been given money by a friend for a birthday, and I don't think it's the norm.

The alternative is getting her some One 4 All vouchers, but, even then, I know cash would be handier.

My worry is that if I gave her a card with money in it that she'd feel bad.

What do you think?

Thanks

When i know a friend is stuck for cash but its a big birthday, i put cash in the card as the main pressie and then buy a token (thoughtful) gift, i.e. 30th photo frame with a photo of us in it or a 30th champagne glass, something she will always have. Moonpig is great as well, you could make the card part of the thoughtful gift, personalising it so you include all your memories and or photos, it always goes down well......

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. I can see there are some mixed feelings on this one! My gut is that cash would be the most useful to her, but I don't want to have her feeling awkward in any way, so I may go with the One 4 All. At least I know it can be used in Superquinn, so she can get groceries if she wants. And just on the un-thoughtful comment (and there was only one), believe me, I've given this plenty of thought and, while I'd love to get her something special that she could keep, I think it would be better to get her something that would help her out - and I know myself, I've been in a position where an extra €50 or so would mean the difference between beans for the week and proper food! I like the idea of an extra token, so I may pick up something small just for a keepsake.

Thanks again!

murria

I hate vouchers and really can't see how they are more thoughtful than cash. I always put them away and forget about them. My son's godmother always gives him Dundrum vouchers, which he sells on to me (he hates Dundrum), I recently ended up spending a €30 voucher on plasters, tampax and dog food in Tesco as it was about to expire. I'm sure the giver could have been more creative than me with that 30 quid!

So gift or cash for me.

Clive

OP would you consider prize bonds? It's something tangible like a voucher, but she can cash them in 3 months if money is tight. Personally I'd prefer cash, but if you feel awkward about it, it's a good compromise.

Dave McDavis

Dave McDavis wrote: »

Cash is a thoughtless and lazy present chosen by a thoughtless and lazy person

That's very harsh, the OP sounds very thoughtful actually, she wants to give her friend something generous without offending her, if she lazy as well she wouldn't bother posting here to ask other people for advice either.

ivytwine

Clive wrote: »

OP would you consider prize bonds? It's something tangible like a voucher, but she can cash them in 3 months if money is tight. Personally I'd prefer cash, but if you feel awkward about it, it's a good compromise.

That's an excellent idea, and she might win!

Unregistered39

Speaking as someone who knows well the awful feeling of being strapped for cash (in spite of working stupidly long hours) I would HATE to be given cash as a gift by anyone other than immediate family (and even then). Honestly, I'd feel like a charity case and any gratitude for the cash would be far outweighed by feeling like crap and a huge dent in my pride. One4all vouchers are ideal. They can be used in so many places they're almost as good as cash.

Princess Peach

Any milestone birthday I've ever been to, up to 50 at least, cash seemed to be the most popular gift, and totally acceptable.

I don't think its a sign of thinking your friend needs cash, just that everyone likes money so they can spend it how they want.