So messed up

LegacyUser

I've been dating a guy for a few months, we have problems. Its kind of make or break time and i am feeling really messed up. I can't understand whats going on. Firstly he was with someone when we met, he only told me after we slept together which was very hurtful. He finished with her as he said the relationship was dead anyway and being with me made him realize that it really was a hopeless situation but he was not leaving for me. Then i find out he is chatting to other women on the internet, swapping sex fantasies and arranging to meet up for a drink. He said there was nothing in it just getting to meet someone he would consider to have similar interests with and that they had been talking for a while, but he didn't tell me. I found out by accident. On this day i asked him what he was up to and he said working in the office all day (it was a sat). When i found out he said he didn't have a reason for keeping it from me but he wanted to surprise me with a threesome (i had expressed an interest). I asked about lying to me about being at work and swapping the sex stories with each other and he said it was just fantasy. In my opinion if you're doing something for an internet fantasy then you wouldn't try to meet offline but he refutes that.

We have an amazing sex life, best for both of us, similar interests, levels of experimentation, sex drives etc. So i know its not a case of things going stale and him playing away, i don't get it really. A few other smaller things have happened like me seeing messages on his phone to a girl, she had not replied, and he just lied and said they never existed and then deleted them.

Now he is saying he loves me, he is sorry for all the things he's done, he promises to never let them happen again. He wants me and only me, insists he never cheated on me and that we have a happy happy future together. But its really just words, he is not really fighting for me, or doing anything to convinve me. I love him too but have reservations due to his bizaree behaviour and that he won't really discuss it but more goes on with the how much he loves me, thinks i'm the most beautfiul woman ever, the best sex ever, etc

Head is wrecked, please any opinions please

Merkin

He's a sleazy liar who is not to be trusted, once a cheat always a cheat. I'd be giving him his marching orders if I were you.

Czarcasm

Thanks for another opinion wrote: »

Head is wrecked, please any opinions please

OP what age are both of you? I only ask because I'm trying to gauge the maturity level of both of you. My initial instinct says that your boyfriend is a narcissist prick who will tell any girl what he thinks she wants to hear if it means he gets what he wants, and he sounds like he preys on their insecurity.

He sounds like a head melt that isn't going to get any better for you, and I would suggest for your own sake that you get out now rather than become the next girl he dumps when he's done toying with you and you no longer amuse him.

ShaShaBear

I find it very strange that he would try to surprise you with another woman because you "expressed an interest" in a threesome. There are a lot of things to consider when in a relationship, for example STIs, do either of you know the person, are either of you romantically attached to the person, or have you been? It would be very foolish of any man to simply source out a woman in secret and present her to you like a gift. For all he knows, you might not even find each other attractive!

Fact is, he was hoping to bang her on the sly, and when he got caught he made it seem like he was doing you a favour.

Stavro Mueller

Thanks for another opinion wrote: »

Firstly he was with someone when we met, he only told me after we slept together which was very hurtful. .... Then i find out he is chatting to other women on the internet, swapping sex fantasies and arranging to meet up for a drink. He said there was nothing in it just getting to meet someone he would consider to have similar interests with and that they had been talking for a while, but he didn't tell me. ...

A few other smaller things have happened like me seeing messages on his phone to a girl, she had not replied, and he just lied and said they never existed and then deleted them.

Forget what this guy is telling you - his actions are what you should be paying attention to. I've isolated and bolded a few things. He's certainly a man who likes to keep his options open :rolleyes: Bluntly, you are just one in a chain of women who've gone through his life. He still had a girlfriend when he slept with you - that's cheating in my book. Now that he's with you, he's still very much on the look-out for other women.

The comments about your sex life are a red herring in this story. It doesn't matter if you're swinging from the chandeliers most days - it ain't going to stop someone cheating if they're of a mind to do so. And this is what it looks like here. That threesome story sounds unlikely as do the other yarns he's spinning. Get rid!

msg11

Sorry but that threesome story is a classic. Who the hell comes out with that?

Are you guys in a relationship, sounds like a classic case of keeping the tap on so to speak.

I wonder how he would feel if you put it too him that if hes seen other people your going to see other people. I say he will throw his toys out of the pram, one rule for him one rule for you.

Hard situation if I was in it, be hard to pull away but might be worth it more so in the long term.

kjl

Unfortunately great sex and a strong sexual compatibility in a relationship can sometimes mask big issues .

You may have said in bed about a having a threesome, but it's not like you discussed it when not in the heat of passion.

This guys is clearly up for whatever he can get, I have no doubt that when put in a position to cheat on you that he will. Dump him now and save yourself some hassle. Or stay with him and have a non emotional sexual relationship.

JenEffy

Thanks for another opinion wrote: »

Firstly he was with someone when we met, he only told me after we slept together which was very hurtful. He finished with her as he said the relationship was dead anyway and being with me made him realize that it really was a hopeless situation but he was not leaving for me.

This was when you should have dumped him. But that's not helpful. Dump him now or you'll be stuck in this cycle for years.