Getting over a break-up, 6 months and counting...

LegacyUser

I swore I'd never need to write this, but here I am. My girlfriend of 1 year broke up with me 6 months ago, and yet I still love her and feel like I'm nowhere near over her. Plain and simply, is that normal?

She was my first long-term girlfriend so I knew it would take a while, but this is getting ridiculous. The first two months we stayed in contact, maybe a chat once a week to catch up. It was a stupid thing to agree on looking back, and I eventually realised I had to cut all contact with her if I wanted to move on. She reluctantly agreed, and I got rid of pretty much everything that reminded me of her. That zero contact lasted about 3 months until she got in touch asking how I was getting on. I told her the truth which was the zero contact did absolutely nothing, and that I still felt the same about her as I did when we went out.

That happened about a month ago and we're back to chatting once week or two again, since the alternative didn't work. She knows how I still feel about her, but she only sees me as a friend now and she genuinely wants me to move on from her. Yet we're still able to get on great when we're chatting online.

The really annoying thing is a lot of people told me I'd never really be able to move on until I found somebody new. Well I did. I went out with a great girl for about 3 weeks in March, but that spark that I had with my ex was nowhere to be found here, and I called it off.

So if zero contact, minimal contact and dating have all failed, what's the alternative? I'm still absolutely mad about her and I hate wondering how much longer this will go on for. We live in different towns now so I know deep down there's really no future for us, even though I'd happily do long-distance. Again you'd think that realisation would help with the moving on, but it doesn't.

I don't want to wait until I find someone as great as her because that could be a long time, I just want the feelings gone for good!

mygoat

sixmonths... wrote: »

So if zero contact, minimal contact and dating have all failed, what's the alternative?

Zero contact hasn't failed - you just haven't given it a proper chance, OP. Ending a relationship is super painful, and all you can do is to feel the pain and let it do its work. For some reason your ex girlfriend doesn't want to be with you, even though you get along great - this is bound to hurt like hell, because it doesn't make any sense to you. But it is what it is - she made that choice and you have to let it sink in - your relationship with this girl is over.

Now imagine being with someone who is dying to spend time with you and be in a relationship with you - this is your future. It's going to happen, just not with this girl.

Give it a proper chance, OP. Cut all contact, feel the pain and take a very good care of yourself. Let yourself cry, miss her, hate her and love her - just don't talk to her. Eventually the feelings will subside and you will be able to move on. You won't feel like this forever; if you cut all contact it's very likely that in 6 months you will feel ok again; maybe a bit less, maybe a bit more. If you stay in touch with her, the pain will just drag on.

Beruthiel

OP

It is impossible to move on from a relationship if you are still in contact with that person.
How can you forget about them if they are constantly in touch with you?
You are just prolonging the mental torture.

The only way you are going to get past this is to cut ALL contact and never see her again.
If you remain friends with her, then you had better get used to how you're feeling right now as nothing will change.

You must be cruel to yourself here in order to be kind.
Best of luck.

_dublinlad_

Truth be told, getting over your first proper relationship with a girl you love very much is one of the hardest things to deal with in life, period!

There is just no escaping this fact. There are no easy answers and no quick fixes. Time really is the only through healer. In saying that, it is completely in your hands how much time it will take you to fully heal. If you keep in contact with this girl and keep dwelling on the past then you are setting yourself up for years of torturing yourself. If you completely cut contact with her (and actually stick with it), live in the moment and not dwell on the past then it will take a much shorter length of time for you to get over her.

Just a note on my first devastating breakup. I've cut all contact for over a year and a half now and I'm only able to say I'm fully over her about the last month or so. So these things take time. Stick with the no contact and move on with your life.

bama

The only way forward is zero contact. She should know this too. Do whatever you have to avoid contact and with time it will get better. Though, being your first serious relationship it will leave a scar but cest la vie.

Andy-Pandy

It took me 2 years to get over a breakup (and four years later I'm still dealing with the fear of relationships it has given me) . Its a cliché but time is the only healer, any contact must be stopped as well, it's a tough thing to go through but it's only natural, many people have been through it before.

zumbar

Just to echo what everyone else has said - no contact is the only way. I'm 8 months out of a horrible breakup and it's only now that I'm beginning to feel halfway normal ...... it takes time, but you do eventually get there.

One thing that did help me was that I went on an group trekking holiday for 10 days in Turkey with a bunch of strangers after around 6 months. Up at 7:30 every morning, walking up mountains every day and in bed by 10pm, absolutely wrecked - I felt a lot better when I got back. It helped change my mindset from where I was before.
I'd recommend something like that if that's an option for you ?

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for the help everyone. In particular mygoat...some good advice in there.

Something completely new like that group trekking idea would be right up my alley, and it's definitely on my to-do list. But work commitments put paid to that idea, for a few months at least.

I guess I've been very naive as to how difficult this was going to be. The last month or two in particular have been very frustrating. I was absolutely certain I would have moved on by now...so the combination of that other girl not working out, plus resuming contact with my ex feels like it's set me back months.

Flutterby80

Hi, I just want to echo what many of the others have already said, I'm 10 months over what I can only describe as a horrific break up. It was only 3 months ago that I began to feel fully better, I came on here myself looking for advice because I was in such despair. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, stop all contact, do not be tempted to look her up on Facebook ( I deleted my account to take the temptation away) . It is only when you eradicate all traces of the person from your life that you can start to heal.
10 months on I have met a fantastic man and I'm looking forward to a holiday of a lifetime in September. So you see there is hope , I know it's so hard now but but if you follow the advice on here like I did you will eventually feel whole again. Things happen for a reason and there's something so much better out there for you.

Scriptellie

Plain and simple, yes that's normal. I'm in the same situation, except I'm the girl in your story. As in, I'm the one who's cut contact with him. I'm the one that has supposedly moved on. I still think about him constantly and want nothing more than to text him but the whole situation is very complicated. I am in a relationship with another guy now. And while the relationship is fantastic, nothing can compare to the friendship I had with my ex. I miss his friendship so much. So although she may seem like she has moved on, she may even be with someone else, it doesn't mean she doesn't think about you. It may just mean that she is with someone else and needs to give him her attention. Or it may just mean that you guys were going in different directions and she had to come to terms with that.

It sounds like she wants friendship but if you're not ready for that, then I suggest writing her a letter/email telling how you feel. Everything. You don't even have to send it. But writing it out is the first step to moving on. It helped me.