My own fault but.......

RadiantGirl

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056059941&page=2

Hi Guys

I know I prob shouldnt be posting here as will receive plenty of backlash. Above post was 2 years ago. We broke up for 6 months and he promised me the world, I totally believed him.

The post above is me now 2 years on, we got back together. Things have slightly changed as in his wording about things, he now defo wants marriage and kids he just doesnt know when. I am at breaking point and want to just leave but I dont know what is stopping me.

At 31 I actually feel embarassed I stayed so long and then also that I have failed, when I know that is not the case. I have done nothing wrong but stay. We basically now have zero sex life and if we do I cry and communcation is zero.

For some reason I allow this guy (and yes my own fault) to talk me around. I get really annoyed that I went back because obviously he fed me so much crap and I fell for it.

I know people here will blast me, but im a girl who does not have any other outlet and need to get it out and probably be told how stupid I am and walk. I am scared that I held off buying a house etc and if I leave it's back to my parents, I feel like iv let myself down.

Again im sitting here wondering why im coming to Boards again after 2 years but to be honest I just dont know where else to go. It's a lonely life and place at the moment.

If no one replies thats ok, I understand you hear this all of the time and so many of you took the time previously to give me your advice.

I was doing so well within those 6 months I just wish I remained strong and didnt cave.

Thanks for anyone who reads xxx

username123

Would you ever give yourself a chance at happiness and leave this leech who is sucking the life out of you!

You deserve better. Love yourself and leave!

Degringola

This man is wasting the best years of your life. That's unforgivable.

LegacyUser

Hi there,
Long term lurker but 1st post so not sure if I'm doing this right......
Anyway, I haven't been able to open your original thread but from your follow on post I think you sound just like me..... Albeit the me of 8 months ago.
You see I too had a long term relationship (10yrs) that split up because he didn't want to commit. We spent 6 torturous months apart where I wallowed in self pity and so when he came back promising me the sun, moon and stars I was only too happy to listen, and to fall into his arms once again.
Unlike your guy my guy actually went ahead and proposed. We started excitedly planning a wedding for a year and a half later. Roll on to a year before the wedding he started getting stroppy. I couldn't talk to him about it without it becoming a fight and he steadily withdrew from me. Anything wedding related and his defences went up. I carried on planning undeterred until one night 6 months before the wedding I came to the realisation that the whole wedding process was making me miserable, and so was he. I broke down and we had our first proper conversation in what felt like months. He confessed that he'd proposed just to keep me but had no real intention of marrying me. He didn't want us to split up but he didn't want to marry me, or have children with me, until at least well into the future. Maybe when we were 36/37 he figured. I was 32 at the time.
Anyway, hard as it was I realised then that I had no choice but to walk. For me that meant moving out, finding a new place to live, cancelling wedding arrangements and cutting contact with a load of mutual friends.
I spent the 1st couple of months in a ball on the couch, only making it to work then back to the couch. I had the most miserable Christmas ever.... Full of engagements and good cheer for everyone else but complete misery for me. I thought i would never feel good again.
By the time Jan rolled round 3 months had passed and I figured I had to pull myself together. So I joined a gym and started volunteering. Having these things gave me some purpose and allowed me to think of something other than the breakup. In time they also became part of my routine and I got to meet loads of new people and build up a new and exciting social life.
I have learned a lot from this breakup and one thing is for sure... I will not ignore the signs again and if someone is not ready to commit I won't hang around waiting. When I look back I am disgusted that I stayed so long when all the signs were there.
I can say, hand on heart, that I am happier now than I was a year ago. It's been hard seeing all my friends settle while my life has been in such upheaval but I feel I am coming out the other side and really enjoying life again. Being single is 100 times better than being in a relationship that is not working out. I am more excited about my future now than I have been in a long time. I have even met a hot new man who thinks I'm the business:-)
If anything, I urge you to get out. It's not working for you and not making you happy. You may have to go through a few months of torture but it'll be so worth it this time next year. Trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel:-)

Goldenlady

I think you really know what you have to do and thats going to be the hardest part. I too, like you have been in this situation, and after 8 years I had to walk a few months back. its not easy I am not going to lie, but its better to be on your own than feeling alone in a relationship. The fact you are feeling like this for a few years now means its well and truely over. You need to be selfish and do what is right for you. It wont be easy,but in the end it will be worth it xx

Stavro Mueller

Degringola wrote: »

This man is wasting the best years of your life. That's unforgivable.

You know what? When all is said and done, your predicament boils down to this ^^^

The post above is me now 2 years on, we got back together. Things have slightly changed as in his wording about things, he now defo wants marriage and kids he just doesn't know when. I am at breaking point and want to just leave but I don't know what is stopping me.

All that has changed is his wording...I read your other posts and came to the conclusion that I'd trust this guy and his words as far as I'd throw him. He has been dragged almost kicking and screaming to this point. It's just that now he needs to say marriage and kids to keep you sweet. I notice after all these years he is still kicking that can further and further down the road. He still can't say when and that is all you need to know.

I know why you can't leave. You're lonely, desperate, have nobody else to turn to and overly dependent on this guy.

At 31 I actually feel embarrassed I stayed so long and then also that I have failed, when I know that is not the case. I have done nothing wrong but stay. We basically now have zero sex life and if we do I cry and communication is zero.

If you think you feel embarrassed at 31, imagine how you'll feel in a few years time. Because unless you effect changes, you'll still be crying your eyes out at 35, he'll still be telling you fibs and you'll be no further down the line.

I know people here will blast me, but im a girl who does not have any other outlet and need to get it out and probably be told how stupid I am and walk. I am scared that I held off buying a house etc and if I leave it's back to my parents, I feel like iv let myself down.

Oh dear. Your self-esteem sounds so low, no wonder you're in the state you're in. Have you considered going to see a counsellor? You badly need to talk this out with someone in real life. Seeing as you don't have anyone in your life that you can talk to, I believe you should seriously consider going to someone. A counsellor will also have training in helping people like you who just can't seem to get themselves away from relationships like yours. So please if you don't do anything else for now, go get help.

That bit about not buying a house is throwing me. Correct me if I'm interpreting this bit wrong. You believe that because you didn't buy a house, you literally have nowhere to go except back to your parents if you move out? Why would you think that? It makes absolutely no sense to me.

Again im sitting here wondering why im coming to Boards again after 2 years but to be honest I just dont know where else to go. It's a lonely life and place at the moment.

And that is why I say again that you badly need to see a counsellor. This forum on boards has hopefully helped people but sometimes you need that bit more extra help. You sound like a deeply unhappy, lonely, hurt young woman who can't see the wood from the trees just now. Relationships are supposed to add something to your life. All this one has done to you is break you.

username123

sunflower27 wrote: »

For once, do something for yourself. I recommend the book 'Women who Love Too Much' for you.

Great book.

Change is hard, but it will be worse for you to be in the same position in another 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. And you know what? He has no biological clock, so if he decides at 45 that he suddenly has a pressing need for fatherhood, itll be bye bye RadiantGirl and hello younger model. You cant live on his timetable. You are actually wasting your fertility on someone who is happy to let you waste it.

RadiantGirl

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply, I am overwelmed.

Believe it or not I am currently going to counselling over the past few months. I have ironed out and dealt with other issues in my life from growing up etc, this is the only issue left to deal with and I hate going to counselling now as I know the whole session will me about me and him and i am putting a brick wall up as I am so scared how to deal with it.

I mean I do so well, looking at places to rent and house share and then I slip back into the zone of comfort, well maybe not comfort but just nearly keep brainwashing myself that what if I walk and that was the best im gonna get.

He started going to counselling aswell, I think myself it was again to make me stay and when I ask how it's going he tells me everything they talked about however nothing about the serious stuff, future etc.

I know you are all right and this is why I came onto Boards as whether you like it or not you're going to get honest answers.

I have a plan in my head as to what I want to do. I just cant seem to follow through with it.

A good friend advised me to move all my stuff out while he's at work and then sit down and tell him im gone. Apparantly this way, my stuff is gone and he cant talk me around. I dont know if I can do this, find it harsh.

As one poster said they got into volunteering and met new people, i am doing all of that. Its the final step I cannot seem to take.

I need to do it ASAP. I am happy in my day to day life but when I go home it seems a dark cloud is over me.

I sound so pathetic and I know what advice id be giving if it was someone else, it is just to hard when its you.

Again thank you so much for all your replies x

username123

RadiantGirl wrote: »

A good friend advised me to move all my stuff out while he's at work and then sit down and tell him im gone. Apparantly this way, my stuff is gone and he cant talk me around. I dont know if I can do this, find it harsh.

There are a few different ways of doing this. You could ask him to stay elsewhere for a few days because you need some space - however, he might not agree to this and suggest you be the one to go off for some space. You could wait til he is in work and have some friends come over to help you move your stuff out. You could slowly move your stuff out. You could move out with a bag and come back later with friends to collect the rest etc.....

But you dont need to sneak around here. You can tell him you wish to move out and move on and just have a couple of friends, or your parents or other family members, come over and move the stuff out in front of him. Youve nothing to hide and he wont try to dissuade you while you have friends or family there. It effectively puts a lid on any discussion.

Obviously if you feel better doing it while he isnt there then do so but I think it would be healthier to just tell him the situation and openly leave (with support).

Merkin

I'm curious as to how on Earth you had the bravery to walk and then totally sabotaged it for yourself by being in touch with him? How did the whole reunion happen?

If you decide to split this time (and you do need to split, the definition of insanity is to keep repeating the same thing over and over again but expecting different results) then you need to sever all ties. You need to pretend that he is dead and you need to wipe his existence from your life. If you don't do this, I can see a 4th thread from you in a couple of years with the same hurt and frustration and your own mental health in tatters.

I think in all honesty you are probably over-thinking the actual separation. Don't become embroiled in the whole whys, hows and wherefores. Leave him at the weekend so you'll have time to get your stuff together and then tell him that you never want to hear from him again. It is really that cut and dry. Everything else will fall into place as this toxic element in your life that has been consuming you for years will no longer factor and you will finally get some clarity. Just do it, it's as simple as that. Just leave him.

Merkin

sunflower27 wrote: »

And is the sort of man you want to spend your life with? Someone more interested in his own needs at the expense of yours. He's selfish. Get out now. It is actually heartless how he has strung you along.

Not to be cruel to the OP but I don't think he is totally heartless. I always think that if you listen hard enough to someone, they will usually be quite candid. This man from very early on expressed no desire to commit or move the relationship further - he was explicit in saying he would never ever buy a property with her and didn't see her in his future so I don't think the blame falls entirely on him to be honest.

Stavro Mueller

I notice that you keep expecting people to attack you here on this thread and tell you that you're stupid. Even if someone did (and at the time of writing no-one has), nobody's words could be half as harsh as what you're beating yourself up with. You know that staying with your boyfriend is the wrong thing to do. All you're lacking is the strength to get out and stay away.

Keep going to your counsellor. Be brave and open up about this issue. Maybe you coming back here to boards and posting about this is the first step in the process. You so badly need to get all this out into the open in a safe environment.

RadiantGirl

Merkin/Sunflower27

He has given me false promises. Initially, he wasnt sure about living together and then we did. After that we discussed marriage kids etc, he wasnt sure. Found texts on his phone from a girl he met up with behind my back and decided that was that and I left, we broke up. The girl was not the only reason, it was the sum of lies, not being on the same page, not being able to communicate about the future etc. 6 months of him contacting me and telling me he has realised what he lost and he knows now what he wants and he wants the same as me, we got back together, with me delighted and over the moon.

Nearly 2 years on and nothing has changed. This is what the problem is, I really thought we were finally on the same page and we both wanted a future and nothing at all has changed. Same **** different year..

I am sick of hearing I DO want all those things I just dont know when, I cant hear them anymore. I cant hear "But I would marry you tomorrow, but then the next thing would be kids and Im just not there right now".

He proposed in January, if you'd call it that, I said No, cause I didnt feel he meant it. I asked him a few weeks ago, what would you have done if i'd said "YES" and he said I dunno.....

As im writing here it's all so clear, yet I go "home" to his house and its so difficult.

bama

Hi there, a fresh start at 31 is much better than a fresh start at 41 or 51. Leave him now. He doesn't deserve you and there are lots of guys out there for you who will give you everything you deserve. take care and best wishes.

RadiantGirl

Came home from work and had a beer hoping it would give me a bit of courage. Now im just drinking here to make it feel more bearable. He came home so happy and loving and it makes it so much harder. Here's to tomorrow.