Meeting all the wrong people

Est28

Hey,
So I'm just going to try this for some advice.

I don't really have a big problem meeting people. I've become much more outgoing since moving abroad and learned you just have to let go of any insecurities and just go talk to more people if you hope to make friends, get dates, etc...

But right now nothing is clicking. Before anyone says it, I am a pretty normal guy, I have my stuff together, I'm not morbidly depressed or anything. I think I come across pretty decent and normal.
I've met people online, through friends, in bars, in clubs, I've tried it all...

But it's the same thing over and over. Last girl I met was 2 weeks ago at a bar. We really got along, she added me on Fb, and were texting for a week or so. I set a date with her which she bailed on for work but since she was still texting I assumed I'd try again to meet her. This weekend I got a long winded text from her saying "You're a nice guy but..... etc, etc, etc.." and deleted me from facebook... what exactly happened in between? I have no idea, it was all pretty fun up to that point.

Before that, I went on 3 dates with a girl who was acting really into me, kept telling me how much fun she was having and wanted to be exclusive, then 2 days later told me she was leaving town for another job (which she knew aobut for months before).

Before that I went on about 5 dates with a girl before finding out she had a fiance! Yes, seriously!

Before that I had a few dates with a few other girls but after 1,2,3 dates it just goes nowhere. One girl just vanished off the face of the earth, not even the customary "You're a nice guy but..." message.

Before that last year I had a 6 month relationship with another girl, met her friends, parents, etc, seemed to be going really well but little did I know she was hooking up with other guys the whole time and was just using me.

I'm just a bit lost with it all. Like I said, I have my life together, I'm very active, I do lots of things, sports, groups, activities, etc. I work hard and do pretty well there. I try to be friendly and outgoing with anyone I meet. I don't like to act stupid or needy or clingy, I don't even have time for that kinda thing. I don't get stupidly drunk on dates, I always pay if I ask someone out. I'd like to think I come across pretty normal and don't bring up with or bad topics on dates, just try to be fun and have a laugh with the girl...

But nothing sticks. I just seem to meet the same sort over and over... just looking for hookups or being overly picky and I don't even know what it is they want. I'm just at a bit of a loss. I'm doubting myself now. Like I said, being genuine and just trying to be a little fun and make good conversation which I would think is a good way to be but now I'm thinking... is it? Over the last year I've actually met and dated a lot of girls... I really have made an effort, you'd think in all that time SOMEONE would turn out good... but nope. I really don't know where it's going wrong.

Maybe it's the type I'm meeting but I'm not going for a certain type or meeting them in a certain place. It seems no matter how or where I meet them it just all turns out the same... girls who are just looking for a quick thing and then gone. I mean, I hear girls saying all the time that it's GUYS only wanting one thing so I'm just not even getting all this.

fits

Maybe you're just over focussed on meeting girls. If you focussed more on meeting people of both sexes, and on making friends.. then you might have a better time?

Est28

Well that's the thing...

"Sit back, do nothing, the universe will bring everything to you"....
I don't buy it. Thats not how things work.

I live abroad, I was a quiet shy guy once upon a time and I spent a long time knowing nobody, not meeting people and not really having any friends here. Just "letting it happen" is not the solution. I made a conscious effort to be more outgoing and less shy and I've made many friends since doing that. But it was down to me DOING something about it. I can't stand people sitting back and complaining everything doesn't just come to them.

If my question was that I was failing some exams... would the right advice be to "stop focussing on learning all the course content and the A's will just come"? I don't think so.

I already explained in my post... I'm very busy with friends, family, sports, work, clubs, groups, my own interests... I'm not running around like a headless chicken being sleezy and chatting up every girl.
It's just one part of my life.

I don't know why people zone in on things like this... I'm asking about it because it's one particular thing in my life which I'm having trouble working out. It doesn't mean it's the only thing in my life. Other areas are quite good or I would be asking about them instead.

December2012

Have you noticed any common traits in these women?

fits

Est28 wrote: »

"Sit back, do nothing, the universe will bring everything to you"....
I don't buy it. Thats not how things work.

That's not what I was saying though. But perhaps over-emphasis is being put on just one area. I don't mean you should sit back and do nothing..

If my question was that I was failing some exams... would the right advice be to "stop focussing on learning all the course content and the A's will just come"? I don't think so.

Again that wasn't my advice.

I already explained in my post... I'm very busy with friends, family, sports, work, clubs, groups, my own interests... I'm not running around like a headless chicken being sleezy and chatting up every girl.
It's just one part of my life.

You didn't explain that in your original post though (or at least if you did, I didn't take it in). Fair enough

I don't know why people zone in on things like this... I'm asking about it because it's one particular thing in my life which I'm having trouble working out. It doesn't mean it's the only thing in my life. Other areas are quite good or I would be asking about them instead.

I hate saying this, but you're very defensive!

Anyway, the truth is dating is often a question of luck and can be very difficult. sometimes it just a case of meeting as many people as possible before you meet the right one.

Est28

It's not that I mean to be defensive...
It's just that I do get frustrated when the same advice is always to just do nothing and let the universe bring everything to you. I guess I'm just not that sort of person, but when it comes to this stuff, that is the passive advice on life that everyone likes to trot out. I like to fix problems and if I see something, I like figuring it out and trying to make it better. I'm not all about just doing nothing and expecting results.

Same as when people ask how to meet new people and it's always "Join a club, read a book..."
Yeah, sure of course that's regular advice but when someone is struggling and wants something they can go work on, this advice just seems pointless when they are already doing that stuff but not getting the results *they want*.

fits

Est28 wrote: »

Same as when people ask how to meet new people and it's always "Join a club, read a book...QUOTE]


How about 'focus on personal development' but still ask girls out when the opportunity arises?

Lorna123

fits wrote: »

Anyway, the truth is dating is often a question of luck and can be very difficult. sometimes it just a case of meeting as many people as possible before you meet the right one.

Exactly what I was thinking of saying !!

ongarboy

I wonder OP do you have too much of an agenda when you meet someone. I don't mean that in an underhand, hidden agenda sort of way but perhaps when you do meet women, you are maybe too focused on bringing it to the next stage too soon which subconsciously, even though not your intention, suggests a form of neediness or desperation which then becomes a turn off for these women?

After the end of the first date with these women, does it always feel naturally right to meet up again and do you always feel after date #1, that there is a mutual reciprocal attraction? If it feels that you are the one putting in the effort and they aren't then that perhaps can set the tone for date #2 and#3 where it starts working against you. Of all the women that didn't want to pursue further dates, was there any inclination or clues whatsoever that perhaps they were not as interested in you as you in them apart from when they formally ended it or clearly told you they were not interested? It seems a common denominator from what you've described is that you are completely unaware of their lack of interest until they make it clear they no longer want to pursue something with you. Perhaps you are unable to read the situation until it's too late. I'm not saying any of this is your fault but sometimes, maybe when someone is so eager to be in a relationship, they try to overlook the flaws and realities which ultimately can work against the formation of a successful relationship.

Perhaps if you could modify your approach when meeting girls. Enjoy that first date but not treat it as a first date - treat it as meeting someone new and if nothing further happens, so be it. Putting too much weight into it being a first date hoping to be a second could jeopardize things and place unnecessary pressure on you and your natural true personality from shining. I understand in some cases, they did tell you they really liked you, wanted to be exclusive and then dropped you so yes, sometimes the other parties can be unfair in this tough game of love. Finally, a lot of it is really down to luck and chance encounters so you do have to be patient.

One thing to add, are there any trustworthy friends (men or perhaps better, women) that you can ask for objective advice on how you come across or traits that are working against you? Perhaps there are some clues you are unaware of that they can point to? Good luck!

R.D. aka MR.D

You mention that you are living abroad.

Are you dating fellow foreigners or are you dating locals?

I also live abroad and think that it can make a difference.

beks101

The problem OP, is that your dating life isn't something that can be "fixed " It's largely, infuriatingly, down to luck and timing. Luck in meeting someone you click with; timing in meeting them when they're in the same head space as you in terms of starting a relationship.

Approaching it in a sort of pragmatic, task solving way - in the same way you might approach other areas of your life EG career - carries a big risk of running any woman away before you've even had a chance with her. Because you're rushing things and writing the script in your head.

You might think you're sitting there on your best behaviour, laid back and good humoured and having a laugh, but the weight of that sort of anticipation, expectation and frustration is very pervasive. As a woman, Ive felt it. I've walked away from it. It's uncomfortable.

On the other hand, I totally empathize. I've dated a lot too. I've met a long list of time wasters, wishy washy types, the magician types with the convincing disappearing act. It sucks balls. Particularly when you're a decent person who would have more integrity and character than to treat someone the same way. You feel cheated, frustrated that you deserve more and can't seem to wrangle it. And you do deserve more. But you're not entitled to more. And you have to make peace - total peace - with yourself as a full package, and accept the fact that this might be it for you, before things can change.

It's a change in mindset really. Any significant boyfriend Ive met, has happened when my only agenda was to have the craic and de stress with some friends, when romance was completely off my radar. And what drew me to them was a similar quality - a sort of freedom from pressure, a "oh, interesting person to banter with" , the only agenda being humouring ourselves. The expectations would've been non existant and Id just take everything in my stride until suddenly I realize Im in a relationship.

I know this probably isn't the answer you're looking for. I respect that you're a go-getter, I'm the same. But there are some areas of your life that don't benefit from the same full-throttle treatment you pride yourself on and dating is one of them.

Continue being social. Continue meeting new people and asking girls out. Just maybe relax more. Smile, laugh, humour yourself. Take the knock backs with a pinch of salt. **** happens. It's a jungle out there. You'll meet all types. I get great leverage out of my love life with friends, Ive got some horrifying stories to entertain my mates with

Colonel Panic

beks101 wrote: »

You might think you're sitting there on your best behaviour, laid back and good humoured and having a laugh, but the weight of that sort of anticipation, expectation and frustration is very pervasive. As a woman, Ive felt it. I've walked away from it. It's uncomfortable.

You've managed to put into words a feeling I often get when it comes to going out of your way to date someone instead of just letting things happen organically.

It's just one of those things, I think if the OP hadn't revealed his gender, it wouldn't have been easy to deduce it from the post.

EdCastle

fits wrote: »

Maybe you're just over focussed on meeting girls. If you focussed more on meeting people of both sexes, and on making friends.. then you might have a better time?

Just don't get this post, didn't the OP say he was looking to date women?

Have a 'better time'? .....Say what?...:D

Think you're going alright OP, the dating scene is tough for everyone but yeah, you need to relax more and not be so expecting of new people that you meet for the first time. Remember, they are sizing you up also so its working both ways, they and you owe each other nothing.

Est28

Thanks for the advice all but I feel like I need to clarify some stuff that didn't come across in my original post.

This isn't really a "woah is me, I can't get a date" sort of post. I mean, I can get dates, but the truth is... I learned I had to be proactive about it, same with meeting friends. Sure, It'd be great if I could stay in playing xbox all the time and the girl of my dreams would come along but that's just never going to happen.

It's that so many of who I meet seem to be full of drama and time wasters. Like I said. I have my stuff together, I work a good job, I don't really want for much. I'd love to meet a similar girl but I just don't very often. It's not like girls are turning me away left right and center but if someone can't at least try to hide their crazy gene for even a month, I just feel I don't need to deal with that.

In terms of "working on myself"... again, I get it... but it's very generic advice. I TRIED to get across in my original post that this is something I do continually. Even in terms of meeting new people and friends, my job, my hobbies, learning new things, I'm very very active. I just don't have time for wasting time. I don't sit on the couch every night vegging out. I DO work on myself... because it's important to ME, not to anyone else. But still... that's not exactly the magical formula to meeting someone, it'sthe formula to being happy with yourself, which I very much am as a person.

With that said though, there's nothing wrong with wanting to meet someone to compliment that. Is there?

I mean sure... it's a lot of elements of luck who you meet... but it's also in large, a result of what you DO. Imagine John's ideal girl is Mary who visits the coffee shop next to his house every night, but John stays in playing xbox, do they ever meet? NO! But what if John went out to grab a bite 2-3 times a week with friends, or took a break in the coffee shop, or went for a walk around the town, or whatever... his chances of running into Mary grow exponentially... life is about what you make of it... not just waiting for this magic to happen. Maybe that's ok for some people.

There's a reason most guys call it "getting lucky".... it's becaus they really don't know what they are doing. Meeting a girl is complete blind luck, and some get lucky early, some get lucky late. I could already be in a relationship if I just thought myself "lucky" to get ANY girl. I've seen it with so many friends. They are in bad or unhealthy relationships but won't leave becaus they are terrified of never meeting anyone again. I just don't see that for myself. I'd rather meet someone who is mature, stable, compliments my life, not completes it or brings drama and problems. Is that so wrong?

fits

You sound like a cool guy and no, there isn't anything 'so wrong' with it. I completely understand your frustration. I dated a hell of a lot of timewasters in my time too and you just get sick of it. All you can do is suit yourself and remain open to the possibility of having a flirt or asking someone out while going about your business.

December2012

Est you sound to me like you have it together, and you're doing all you can.

For that reason I'm sure it's only a matter of time before you meet somebody you really click with.

DoozerT6

beks101 wrote: »

It's a change in mindset really. Any significant boyfriend Ive met, has happened when my only agenda was to have the craic and de stress with some friends, when romance was completely off my radar. And what drew me to them was a similar quality - a sort of freedom from pressure, a "oh, interesting person to banter with" , the only agenda being humouring ourselves. The expectations would've been non existant and Id just take everything in my stride until suddenly I realize Im in a relationship.

Does this actually happen?? Am I the only poor sap on earth who NEVER meets anyone, either by making a real effort, or just 'chilling out' and waiting for it to happen?

RossFixxxed

Hey OP, as was asked before is there a 'type' you go for? It could be that you are attracted to / attracting a certain type of person, one that thrives on drama or quick buzz situations. Maybe you are looking in the wrong places?

What age bracket are these girls in?

We've all met nut jobs, time wasters and drama queens in our time, but if it keeps on happening maybe your approach / location / vibe etc is pushing things in that general direction.

Est28

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Hey OP, as was asked before is there a 'type' you go for? It could be that you are attracted to / attracting a certain type of person, one that thrives on drama or quick buzz situations. Maybe you are looking in the wrong places?

What age bracket are these girls in?

We've all met nut jobs, time wasters and drama queens in our time, but if it keeps on happening maybe your approach / location / vibe etc is pushing things in that general direction.

Re-read my posts.

RossFixxxed

Right so in the light of your ignorance, I'll stop helping.

1) I read your posts, I wanted you to question your OWN methods and ways of doing things.

2) You are so consistently defensive I'm not surprised you don't get further dates.

Change your attitude and appreciate strangers trying to help you.

Est28

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Right so in the light of your ignorance, I'll stop helping.

1) I read your posts, I wanted you to question your OWN methods and ways of doing things.

2) You are so consistently defensive I'm not surprised you don't get further dates.

Change your attitude and appreciate strangers trying to help you.

I appreciate the help given by other posters, it helped.

But I you're gonna "help" then read the thread.
I already wrote at length that I am not meeting the same "type" or in the same places... go re read, I wrote about it in details, that is not the problem so do I need to re answer points already covered. All the info is there already on the "types" I have met.

2ndly, your assertion that I cannot get dates is ALSO WRONG. If you read the thread at all you'd see its not one of THOSE threads, I have no problem getting dates...

... so help away, but read the thread. Why must people constantly give the same generic advice based on their assumption of what a thread must be about but not having actually read it?

RossFixxxed

I said further dates, they don't follow through.

We really got along, she added me on Fb, and were texting for a week or so. I set a date with her which she bailed on for work

Before that I had a few dates with a few other girls but after 1,2,3 dates it just goes nowhere. One girl just vanished off the face of the earth, not even the customary "You're a nice guy but..." message.

etc. Read MY post mate before you get on your high horse.

I've read your post, you need to look at what you are doing, clearly bars, clubs (same thing really) friends and online isn't working. Look for alternatives. I'd suggest some but you'd just say it was 'generic'. Shooting people down trying to help you is repulsive, and no wonder you are having issues. If you really think everyone is to blame other than you, best of luck.

I didn't give any advice other than recommending personal introspection. I took the time to suggest it to help. If you want to be rude and a smart ass, fire ahead don't expect many people to care.

I can help now: adjust your attitude. "Generic advice" is generic as it works for many. There is no super cure to this and we can only suggest things. Stop being so defensive and aggressive and maybe you'll do better.

You clearly didn't read my posts properly.

Well best of luck with it, you are reaping what you sow and I'm not suprised you're struggling with realtionships. Maybe they don't like YOU.

Suck it up and move on, or wallow in your own self pity and aggressive attitude all you want.

You're looking to put blame on people or find an excuse for your problems. It isn't working and people are bailing on you. I post on PI and RI a lot to TRY to help, I don't always, but I try. Being ignorant to me suggests you are like this in real life and you're gonna be alone.


You could have addressed the stuff you didn't post about that I mentioned: your approach, your vibe etc, but you chose to have a go instead. You are in denial.

Once again: INTROSPECTION. See what is wrong, see if it is you. Be prepared for hard questions, and answers you might not like. Be a grown up.

JustAThought

Op have you tried online dating? You can typically specify what type of a relationship you want - serious, fun, casual etc. you can also specify the characteristics you would prefer in a girl - reliable, steady employed, calm, not a diva, etc.

Might help you to whittle out the " chaff" or whatever farming euphemism is most appropriate! Best of luck .