What to say when someone says you're quiet?

lofty12

Anyway story goes, that I'm a naturally quiet person and not the loud one at things.

However I really have been making a huge effort to talk more and really thought this oh your so quiet was over with but no course it's not!
I think ever since I have made more of an effort to talk when I'm not talking like for 10 mins someone would chime in and say oh your so quiet. Somebody else would not be talking either but not a word said to them!

There a good few ppl that would say this to me but most rec my sister has joined in on the brigade which is prob the most hurtful. I'm not even sure she knows she is doing it cos she be most chatty in family. She would say something like oh the 3 of us were singing even though there would be 4 there me included but say this on purpose in front of a big group as to single me out or something that I'm so quiet she did not notice I was there...I don't know.

At a party the other day, family thing and someone said oh your so quiet, So I just said I'm always quiet and just taking it all in. She was kinda taken back by that tbh but still it continues.

No one ever says to the loud person , oh your so loud!

I know I am being sensitive but it so continous like at every event, it really does grate on you and you feel like you would hardly be missed if you were not around.

Any advice on what to say when ppl say to oh your so quiet. Thanks so much.

pharmaton

lofty12 wrote: »

Any advice on what to say when ppl say to oh your so quiet. Thanks so much.

No one ever says to the loud person , oh your so loud!

Why not just say that? it's not that you're quiet but everyone else is loud!
Quieter people have their place too, I'm sure you talk to people when you want to so no need to feel pressured into being someone you're not.

HalloweenJack

If that's the way you are, that's the way you are. People should accept that.

I'm similar myself and have got similar comments over the years. I just respond by saying "Yeah, I am". There's nothing I can do about it. I can't force myself to be more talkative, it's just not in my nature. Similarly, if I did than I'd feel like I wasn't being true to myself.

I know it's annoying to be told you're quiet but if you've accepted that's the way you are and you're happy with it, than it's up to other people to accept that. It's not your problem, that's the way you are and there's nothing wrong with it.

All the best.

wandatowell

My advice would be to not worry one iota about people thinking your quiet. You are who you are. I find that people who are "loud" are generally obnoxious.

I was quiet/shy for along time often worried to speak up. I got older, matured and im well able to join in with conversations.

You will be fine pal.

Have a nice day

Legs.Eleven

Jesus I'd rather be stuck in a room with a quiet person than a person whose loud to get attention from others and talks incessantly and you're right, no one ever comments on them (to their faces). In fact I'd say the latter are a bit of a scourge on modern society; those who don't listen and only like to hear what they say. Often it's those types who comment on the quietness of others a) because they haven't listened long enough to learn some social skills and realise that it is a completely tactless thing to say and b) they talk over everyone not giving anyone else a chance to talk, so everyone is quiet in their world.

it really does grate on you and you feel like you would hardly be missed if you were not around.

OP just because you're quiet, doesn't make you any less worthy. Being quiet doesn't mean you're not kind and a decent person, so of course you'd be missed. Being quiet is not a negative trait although it's made out to be in modern times where attention seeking is valued more than anything. I find myself attracted to quiet people because they've actually considered what they're going to say, don't feel the need to hog the limelight and and are often great listeners, which are all very valuable attributes for anyone.

Don't let those comments affect you. Quiet people have their place just as much as loud people and create the balance. Could you imagine we were all shouting our heads off constantly? People are stupidly tactless sometimes and if people feel it's okay to say that in public then it says more about their own social skills than yours.

ConFurioso

lofty12 wrote: »

No one ever says to the loud person , oh your so loud!

I can tell you from experience, that yes they do, and it can hurt. Especially if its said in such a way as 'you should be quieter'.

Basically, follow the advice above and just accept it's who you are, especially if you're comfortable. There's nothing wrong with a quiet person, usually means they're not spouting crap every second like loudmouth ass (like me).

You could also use the 'maybe you're loud?' line (I've definitely used 'maybe you're quiet'). But I found it created confrontation and was unnecessary from me. Shrug and say 'yep', then move on.

Honestly, too many people chime in on conversations just to say something rather than add to the conversation. I'd rather be with someone who listens rather than says something just for the sake of it.


Bleeeeeeurgh, all imo, but be happy with who you are OP!

CaraMay

Next time someone says 'you are so quiet' just say 'thanks. Nothing worse than a loud mouth, is there?'... Let them stew on that then.

bluemagpie

Agree with the other posters, don't worry about it. By the way a good book on it is called Quiet by Susan Cain, an easy read but interesting for introverts if you are one, which I'm just assuming you are and not just shy, have a read of the reviews or watch her TED talk online.

Merkin

I wouldn't worry about it.

Anytime anyone says it just smile sweetly at them and say that you don't believe in talking inane crap for the sake of it.

Or I like what CaraMay said too. Just have a stock response that you're comfortable with that will get your point across.

December2012

Merkin wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about it.

Anytime anyone says it just smile sweetly at them and say that you don't believe in talking inane crap for the sake of it.

Or I like what CaraMay said too. Just have a stock response that you're comfortable with that will get your point across.

Why be rude though?

You are assuming that somebody saying "you're very quiet" is always a dig - its not.

In fact, it's usually an indicator that the person talking is interested in you, your thoughts and what you have to say. They do not want to hog the conversation and are asking you if you're ok.

Also, I don't really see the point in going places and not interacting. I'm not saying be fake, nobody wants that, and you should feel comfortable, but if its supposed to be a fun occasion then you should join in. You're not the audience.

EricPraline

December2012 wrote: »

In fact, it's usually an indicator that the person talking is interested in you, your thoughts and what you have to say. They do not want to hog the conversation and are asking you if you're ok.

I agree that there's no need to be rude, but I don't think the comment is always intended as politely as you suggest. Sadly, there is a certain type of person who is genuinely uncomfortable around people who are quiet and finds it disconcerting when somebody isn't as extroverted as themselves.

Somebody getting asked why they are quiet is like repeatedly getting asked "are you ok?", "are you tired?", "what's wrong?" etc - not only is it grating, but it's likely to make the person even more self-conscious.

OP, difficult as it seems, I'd just rise above it. In some situations, like a work or family setting, it is worth making the extra effort to make small talk even if you find it difficult. But in other social situations where you're getting asked these questions by acquaintances or strangers, I'd be inclined to just say "Yeah I've heard that before, I guess that's just me" and leave it at that. If the other person feels uncomfortable, that's their problem.

LegacyUser

OP a very valuable sentence I learned in life "Empty vessels make the most noise". You should remember this.

judgefudge

Agree with the rest. I've been told it for years. I think people mix up shy and quiet. I'd be a fairly confident person but I prefer to listen than talk. I don't understand why it's acceptable to berate people for being quiet.

Don't let it get to you is the main thing. Anyone that matters will see past your quietness to the person you are. Why try and become a loud person when it's not natural. Deflect it when people say it to you. Recently someone told me I was very quiet (as if I didn't know) so I just said "yeah, I'm cool with it". Be confident in yourself.

Usually the type of people to say that think they're the bees knees anyway. The world needs quiet people.

Google Susan Cain - quiet. It's a great book and there are talks on YouTube about it too.

dd972

There's a marked difference between shyness and introversion, whilst being very introverted I haven't a grain of what afflicts shy people, i.e; being socially anxious about conversations and interactions with people. I can literally have a conversation with anybody about anything.

Another load of cobblers is the loud voice equals strong personality or strong character and low voice or softly spoken equals weak or soft character, although I do envy the fact that loud people are rarely misunderstood in the same way that quiet people are, they seem to have an ability to create a social firewall that protects them from being 'blank slates' for people to paint things onto or make up things about.

lofty12

Thanks everyone for the advice.:)
It's true, I'm comfortable with who I am,there is no need for me to change, ppl will just have to accept that and move on.

rox5

I used to be like mute quiet in my teens, people either ignored me or would even say to me "Why are you so quiet?"
Then I found myself speaking up more, but then some people were not interested, found me annoying because my voice was so little from being shy, or STILL b**tched about me being awkward and shy. Probably because I was not hyper or funny or witty or whatever.
And then when I finally gave up and just minded my own business, did not bother to make conversation, people still talked about me behind my back, saying that I had gone ignorant and stuck-up, and how I just don't talk, even though that what I have BLOODY been trying to do!

Nothing was ever good enough for them, and I was so sick of trying and failing, so basically if they don't except the fact that while I can talk, I am not gonna be hyper or funny, they can just f**k off with themselves.

I'd say that might be what is like for you, so just don't bother wasting your energy to be areally chatty, loud person for them if you are comfortable they way u are now.

lofty12

Snap! Sometimes I would have tried to chime in and say something and then they would pretend not to hear me!
Like wtf!! I just think it is so rude, I am quite polite by nature and think this has always been a disadvantage to me ha!
I'd always acknowledge someone if I heard them talking or if I had my back turned, I'd always turn so not to and the like.
Anyway I'm only going to talk when I want to now and not have to talk just cos they are making me feel uncomfortable.

miss flutter ups

I agree with all the comments, have often been called shy and some people actually begin to address U sympathetically?? Admittedly I started off as awkward and shy but now, I'm quiet and just don't like meaningless small talk. When people ask me why I'm so quiet I'm quite honest and just say: "I have nothing to say" works a treat!

Do U find U avoid wasting energy on conversations that bore U or just leave the loud mouths to it?

U should b proud we're a rare breed lol

leggo

I'd never get accused of being quiet, but I'd say a nice, soft put-down would get them off your back. Something simple, like shaking your head in bemusement and just saying, "I really don't know what you're expecting me to say to that..." kinda gets across the whole "You know, I do actually have stuff to say, I just choose not to," vibe with a dose of "Don't **** with me," too. And it's not overly-confrontational so they'd likely just back off and leave you be.

People just don't fit into certain places or groups sometimes, too, and there's nothing wrong with that. Especially with work situations...it's pretty unlikely that you're going to land in a group of colleagues that are exactly like you and understand the whims of your personality. I'm sure you get along just fine with people you feel close to, and I'm sure they accept you whether you're quiet around them or not. So just write off situations where that's not the case as a necessary evil in order to get paid, or whatever the case may be, and be content being yourself around those who understand what that means.

As others have said, being quiet doesn't equate to something being wrong with you. As long as it's not down to low self-confidence or some other issues that (often falsely) are associated with it, it's a perfectly valid personality type.

Mysteriouschic

I get this a lot mainly around really loud people who have to be the centre of attention.
They always ask me why am I so quiet. I usually I don't know or I have nothing to say I'm just listening. One even made a joke about it. Other extroverts are fine just those ones in particular are the ones I notice being like that.

Lenmeister

leggo wrote: »

I'd never get accused of being quiet

People just don't fit into certain places or groups sometimes, too, and there's nothing wrong with that. it's pretty unlikely that you're going to land in a group of colleagues that are exactly like you and understand the whims of your personality.

I'm sure you get along just fine with people you feel close to, and I'm sure they accept you whether you're quiet around them or not.

As long as it's not down to low self-confidence or some other issues that (often falsely) are associated with it, it's a perfectly valid personality type.

Didn't realise you could be "accused" of being quiet.. lol.

Totally agree with not fitting in. You'd have to go through tons of people before you find people your really click with and understand.

I agree with close people accepting you - for the most part. But I have a childhood friend that is just dog ignorant, most of the time I would say. Constantly cutting across you in mid sentence over and over again in the one conversation, especially when talking to someone else. I've blown up before in their face over it. These people haven't got a breeze how blatent they are and how so VERY VERY annoying and rude is it.

Now this is just their personality, but that's no excuse. Same for your friends saying things like "you're so quiet what gives". That can get really annoying too, but it's part of their personality so what do you do? I've blown up at them, but they go back to the same thing quickly again, so in my experience calling them up and telling them does nothing. It might be different for other people though.

However you can turn things around if you want. Someone saying "you're so quiet", I'd say "Yeah it makes me an awesome listener too!". If you want to take if further and joke around you can say "And that means I know all the gossip around here bwa haw haw!". If you want to be a dick about it you can say "Oh how observant of you, must be hard noticing these things when you're so busy talking". That one isn't my style though :P

My friends don't say things like "you're so quiet". They would however say "Ahh shut up will ye already". I find it funny, for 2 seconds, but it gets very irratating very fast. I'm the kind that usually talks when I've something to say, not really one for idle chat so much. I won't apologise to anyone for being quiet, it's who I am. When they say stuff like that it's not meant offensively, sometimes I think they'd just like me to speak up more and join in the conversation you know. I think for the most part it's meant well, but at times it's said in a way that's like "fsake do you ever talk?" - with an almost angry or pissed off look on their face. That's not what friends do, that's what assholes do and don't deserve your friendship.

CaraMay

I used to be quiet but I'm not anymore. Have to say I.never understood why people come out for the night and say nothing and just listen to others. I go out to interact with people nor to sit back and just take in what's going on.

CaraMay

CaraMay wrote: »

I used to be quiet but I'm not anymore. Have to say I.never understood why people come out for the night and say nothing and just listen to others. I go out to interact with people nor to sit back and just take in what's going on.

Well some of us like doing just that!

Lofty this seems to be resolved for you now so I will close this. Please do PM any of the mods if you need more advice. All the best!