Don't know what to do

LegacyUser

Well I’m having a really hard time trying to figure out what to do… I don’t even know how to try to explain the messed up situation I’m in, but I’ll try & hopefully can get some outside advice – I’d really appreciate it if anyone can help.

My life in Dublin for the last 5 years has been hard, which is putting it lightly. My family has crumbled & it with that a massive loss of my identity with it. I was / am depressed & through that lost my job/ friends and basically led to me living as a hermit with no direction, no idea what to do – I have tried everything, doctors, councellors, groups, exercise, diet, even all the spiritual healing malarkey, etc.… nothing has made much of an impact. I’ve come to the conclusion that I just need to leave Dublin, I can’t be here with my toxic family – I hate going anywhere to the point where I feel its agoraphobic – I don’t feel like this in other places.

A while ago I went to stay with my cousin in another country & came up with the plan that I would move there but could only move there on a student visa & if I can get a job (which is not that likely in that area) then its very limited the hours I can do – it was all sounding like a great escape route. But my cousin has turned out to be a complete narcissist – she has kind of taken me on as a pet project – in some ways shes great, but for most of it, I’m expected to just listen to her problems and then listen to how wonderful she thinks she is – they are her two topics of conversation – I don’t factor in at all. It’s like I’m an ear/audience and that’s all – and she thinks its ok to treat me really dismissively – what I want or how I feel is not important. And because she is helping me out with giving me a way out of here – I’m expected to do a tonne of stuff in return – mind her kids any time it suits her – even if I’m busy in the middle of something, do her shopping, run errands – and mostly to give her air time – listening to her same stories over and over again – she can’t stop talking about how great she is – and at the same times takes little digs at me like – well if I was in your situation I would have been much stronger and fixed it a long time ago…. etc.


I’m more than happy to do a lot of these things – I’d do them normally anyway, but when it becomes an expectation without any appreciation I start to feel like I’ve no control. And the problem is moving there I would be really isolated – it’s an isolated place & not like there is loads I could go out & do myself so I would be very dependent. And while I’d be grateful for the help she has given, I’m afraid I would be held to ransom over it & really be in her debt. All of these things would be fine if I thought we could have a normal, give and take relationship, but shes not interested in that. After everything I’ve been through I’m really vulnerable and fragile – I’m not able to stand up to her because she is overbearing and fierce. I used to be a strong person and I want to get back to that point but I’m afraid being around this person is just going to wreck the little confidence I do have
So my problem is this – I can’t stay in my current situation – there are so many factors that makes it unbearable, yet what was seeming like my get out of jail card is now looking like its just a prison transfer.

Also, I know she is helping me out - but I think it really does suit her to have me there - she has no other family there and not really any friends - and she wants help with her kids, so its not like a completely selfless 'i'm helping you out' - its suiting her and on her terms.


What should I do – should I just take it & suck it up so that I can try to make a better life for myself?

I can’t seem to come up with what else to do… I’ve tried making the best of life here, and I just can’t, Its hard to explain but I just need out of here…..

Any advice – can anyone relate??

thefeatheredcat

OP it sounds like what was as you described "an escape route" is merely running from one problematic situation into a potentially problematic situation that you will want to run from.

I think it's natural to doubt whether it is or isn't the right move.

What you need to do is consider what is the right thing for YOU. Is going to stay with your cousin going to help you? If you think and feel now or have the impression that her "helping you out" or "doing you a favour" is going to be held over you to the point of you feeling obligated to do things without consideration for yourself and your needs, or that you will get taken advantage of, or that whilst feeling already vulnerable you are going to be trodden down further, you are best to not proceed with it.

Even if you're desperate and can't think of a better solution, you are better off spending some time looking at your situation realistically in a less panicked fashion and putting yourself as a priority. Give yourself time to get organised and walk into a better future, rather than being fraught with the panic of the situation and running around in a panic into what sounds like a bad set up for you.

It sounds to me like you could do with the space and time for yourself to gather back your strength and confidence.... perhaps what you should consider is a move to another part of this country for a while so you can sort yourself out and deal with the situation at home and move on from it all.

I don't think running into a... a perhaps unhappy situation, where you will be isolated, dependent on your cousin and perhaps bullied by them to doing what they want where your only purpose to be there is to make them feel better about themselves is going to make you happy. It's just going to extend the difficulties you already face and give you more on your plate to work with, and prevent you from dealing with the difficulties you already face. That doesn't sound like a good start on making a better life for yourself.