Friend going through issues, and I can't help

LegacyUser

I have a really good friend, let's say he's called Michael. We're both 21. In the past we have opened up about stuff on our minds to each other etc., and have helped each other.

For the past while, Michael has seemed very distant, would routinely not answer texts (or answer them hours later than they were sent). He's busy all the time so meeting him in person is becoming a complete impossibility.

I have asked him what's up and he refers to it as "sh*t at home" (he lives with his family). When I ask him for details, he won't tell me anything, saying that this particularly will never leave the family, even when it's all said and done.

Lately, it seems like the issue is getting worse and it's occupying him more and more. I have asked him is there anything I can do, and while he appreciates the offer he says no, it stays with him etc. The most I can ever get out of him is 'half-messages' about what's happening, and I feel like I'm prying now as he quickly changes the conversation of texts.

I find that the fact my friend is going through a tough time is getting me down. Piecing together every little clue/hint/half-message and trying to make sense of it (which I can't) is occupying a lot more of my thoughts processes than it should. I almost feel bad that I'm feeling down because it's not my problem, and if I'm feeling down over it, imagine what it must be like to actually have the problem.

I have offered to meet him for a chat, ring him, text him, do something with him to distract him, but he's too busy for all these options it seems. I asked him did he consider counselling but he said there was no point in the suggestion.

What else can I do? I want to see him happy again. On a more selfish note, I want my old friend back as well - he currently is completely unavailable to me if ever I need him or want to talk to him. I've told him if there's anything I can ever do to let me know, but I know him well and know he'll never take me up on the offer. I'm at a loss as to what I can do!

thefeatheredcat

to be honest I don't think that there's anything more you can do. You've offered to be there for him, he hasn't taken it up, perhaps he doesn't want to burden you with it. Maybe he has found a way of coping with it all or has decided to shut himself away to deal with it some way.

You can't make him to talk to you or anyone else about what is going on. The only thing you can do is be his friend, and keep the option of doing something together to take him away from his worries / stress of the situation open to him and also for being there for him if he needs it.

I think you're quite involved in this, in being there for him that his worries are now your worries and you're worried over him not really communicating. I think you need to step back and worry a little less about him and his troubles because it sounds like it's starting to consume you a bit.

Maybe all he really needs is a bit of space and some time to work through whatever is going on. All you can do is give him that space but leave the options open to him about leaning on you for support and being a friend to have fun and do stuff with.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that answer.

I have been given him space etc.

Today we were texting and he said he would be busy this week, I asked with what, and he said he felt the need to tell me - in addition to the other problems at home, he thinks he might also be sick, and mentioned a few things like his body failing on him, seeing doctors in hospitals, keeping it secret etc.

He wouldn't elaborate any further, it sounds like he's not fully sure what's wrong yet though.
It's hit me like a bit of a bombshell. I have no idea how bad he is - he's always been so healthy.

How can I possibly help him through this? I know there's nothing I can do directly, but he did choose to reveal that much to me. I've said I'm very sorry to hear that, and that I'm here for him etc.

thefeatheredcat

Well he's taken you into confidence re his health so I wouldn't push him about it until he's ready to go into it further.

I think really just being there for him, offering support when he needs it, whether it's just a bit of encouragement or a place / person to spend time with away from his troubles or someone to be there in the hospital with if he needs you. I don't think there's really any more that you can do.

I suppose too it's about keeping him going, maybe he might feel like giving up or get really down about his health or keeping him optimistic but realistic if something is diagnosed and the obstacles that brings if he should take you into confidence about it all would be a help to him. Showing empathy can do a lot.

The best you can do now is keep yourself strong and don't take too much on with his problems.... try not to worry too much about him, there is little you can really do except be there for him, it sounds like he has filled you in on what's going on as much as he is comfortable with and might not want to burden you with it all. But he has taken you into confidence, and if you've already offered to be there for him and he hasn't taken up on it, there is little else you can do but be sympathetic towards his situation and wish him good things.

It's crap when you know someone is going through a bad time, you can make yourself as available to them as you generously feel for them, but unless they take you up on any offer you've made, that's about as far as it can go for you to be there for them in keeping that help and support open to them.

MagicMarker

It sounds to me like your friend has been pretty clear in telling you he doesn't want to share this particular problem with you. So I'd stop asking him about.

Fukuyama

Just to play devils advocate here for a second. How well do you know him.

I've known people in the past who 'alluded' to troubled up bringings, illnesses etc... But never explored them any further.

Often for attention or because they're not very good at interacting and need an excuse to be distant.

Not saying it's whats happening here. But it's not unheard of.

How well do you really know him? Or do you just know OF him?