Really questioning the value of friendship after let downs/emotional abuse?

Hannaho

Hi!

I have an ex partner who was emotionally abusive when we were together, and continued after separation - e.g. threatening to get custody of the kids, threatening to take them abroad and not return them, threatening not to return them after weekends - when they were much younger (2 and 3) taking them on dangerous activities (water/sea based), and saying that he could not guarantee that they would be safe. On another occasion he held up a vital operation for my daughter - deemed vital by her G.P. and Consultant - I had to go to Court to get the Court's permission for the operation, but he reneged on the steps of the court after costing me thousands. Later as the children got older he refused to allow them to contact me while they were with him - even if they were sick or just wanted to chat - they were old enough to have mobile phones at this stage. Then the children told me that they were going for hours without food at this house and were always hungry there - often 8 hours or more without food. Social workers were involved and he got a slap on the wrist, changed his ways for a month, and then reverted to not feeding the children for hours on end when they were with him. Later, I moved to the country for a job, and offered to make up the 3 hours of mid week access he was losing, but he threatened us with injunctions etc to get us to move back. When we moved back to Dublin, he didn't want the access - the whole process cost me 20k.

Finally, got a court ordered report, but he managed to bully the psychologist into having the children overnight with him the night before the assessment - this is not usual practice at all - I know because I work in a similar area. Anyway, my ex threatened the children so much into not saying what was wrong when they visited (they had already told the psychologist all the issues when they visited her with me), that the children were terrified to go with him to the assessment - my daughter cried through the whole session with the psychologist because she was so afraid - but the psychologist still insisted she had to go to the assessment with her dad and then she also insisted she attend with her dad's new wife - all this while my ex was taking the children off separately - we have a son also - and shouting at them and intimidating them as to what they had told the psychologist when they met her with me. Eventually, I called a halt to the assessment as my daughter started to talk about suicide. Our G.P. intervened and said he would go to Court, free of charge, as he was so concerned about the children and the behaviour of their dad, but also the psychologist towards them - as I work in a similar profession - I know that the psych9ologist wasn't professional or ethical in her conduct - but my ex was on the phone to her demanding tat she carry out the assessment in a particular way. Though no complaint can be accepted by the registering body because of the in camera rule.

Eventually, my daughter and my son refused to go out of our house to visit their dad on access. My daughter used to cling to my legs and beg me not to send her. It came to it where I told my ex he would have to get the guards to take the children from the house - not easy when one of them is five foot three. I came home one day to hear my daughter on the phone to childline. Eventually, she attended counselling through our G.P. as he was so concerned about both of them, but particularly my daughter.

Now I find I feel very negative about people, and don't see the point in having friends - when I used to be a very outgoing and bubbly person - though most people would still probably see the façade of this.

However, years of legal struggles with my ex, him coming across as the charming professional - domestic violence does happen in nice middle/upper class families - see Nigella Lawson! He tried to label me as the typical single mother with undisciplined kids who couldn't feed them properly and overindulaged them because I had nothing else in my life. Yet I have a good job, am also a professional and have a masters degree and am half way through a Phd. Both the children are doing exceptionally well in school and are very outgoing - despite what they have been through. One is in the gifted range of intelligence, and the other is very sporty and has just been picked for the Leinster Team in a particular sport. Recently in school, they both said to their teacher that they did not want to do Father's Day Cards as their dad had put them through so much that they didn't want to be reminded of him, and wanted him out of their lives - he hasn't seen them since December and didn't send them any birthday cards etc for their recent birthdays.

However, not only do I feel down because of how ex behaved towards me and the children, but also Io how friends have behaved. For instance, I had some friends drop me in the middle of all this and other come out with unbelievable anti single mother stuff - basically the stereotypical negative attitude to single mothers - these were people who are not actually happily married themselves, but being married is very important to them, and whose children are certainly no angels. In the middle of all this I also got bullied in the job I had moved down the country for - so I feel very anti people at the moment, but don't want to continue feeling like this in case it rubs off on my children.

I suppose at the end of it all, despite being a highly educated professional with my own home, I feel like a downtrodden single mum, who has been heaped with all these negative stereotypes. I find it hard to trust anyone at the moment because of what we have been through.

I would really welcome advice/comment from anyone about how to come through this.

Thanks

Esoteric_

I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but it sounds like hell.

Of course you're going to get to a stage where you wonder 'What's the point?,' when it comes to forming new friendships or meeting people. Everyone bar your own family and GP have let you down terribly, so there will of course be doubts about other people when you've been hurt so badly in the past.

You've gone to hell and back and spent tens of thousands of euro to ensure as much as possible that your children have a good, happy, emotionally/mentally healthy life, so pat yourself firmly on the back for that. A lot of people could have given up, but you made damn sure your kids are safe. That amount of love and devotion is heartwarming.

It sounds as though you could do with some support for yourself, though. Your so called friends dropped you, your ex and the psychologist for your children tried to ruin you and your children's chance at happiness, and you fought it all, but who has been there for you? Do you have anybody, friends or family or even your GP? It sounds as though you've been all about looking after the kids, talking to the doctor about the kids, etc. What about you? You need support, just like your children do. If you have any family or friends you trust, speak to them. Get your feelings out. You need to know now that somebody, anybody is there to support YOU. Not your children (as you have that in firm control), but you. Have you considered speaking to your GP about your own feelings and possibly arranging to speak to a counsellor? How you're feeling sounds completely normal, given what's happened in your life, but it's not a feeling that has to stay with you for life.

I can't give much more advice or opinions other to say that you sound like a fantastic mother and your children are very lucky to have you. Look after yourself, too, though. You're a person in need of support, just like your kids. I wish you all the best.

CaraMay

Op you are a credit to parents. You have moved on from an abusive ex, are furthering yourself through education and sound like you are raising very good kids. Considering all you have been through you are doing fantastically well. You are not downtrodden - you are busy!

Would you consider some counselling for yourself? Someone to unburden yourself too. You are very self aware and understand yourself well but a little help from an outsider may go a long way.

Hound of Banterville

OP, I don't really have any advice to give but i just wanted to say that although you feel as though you have no support you have still gotten through all of this. You should find support in everything that you have been through because if the people who let you down for support could not be strong enough to support you, then they certainly wouldn't be strong enough to deal with what you have, so you are better off without them. Best of luck in the future.

Queen-Mise

Don't be too hard on friends and family for their reactions to you and what you have been through. Very few of them have the experience to really support you through what you have been with your ex in the past number of years.
You can't really judge people by a pretty extreme situation - I wouldn't have a clue either how to support you, maybe short term, but not for year in/year out.

I would get some sort of help for yourself, be proud of your kids. You have done well.

And remember what fun is. And hobbies. Try getting involved in activities that are just FUN - with or without kids.

Hannaho

Hi! All, thanks so much for the replies - I've felt quite touched by them. I know I've focused on the kids for so long, because I had to, but now I need to focus a bit more on myself, and perhaps talking what happened, and is actually still happening with someone. It actually took me ages to talk here about all the abuse we've endured from my ex - I was thinking about posting for ages before I did it, but it has been really helpful. I know the people I had in my life were not strong enough to support me in any way - though despite all the hassle we have been through, I tried not to overburden anyone with our problems. I suppose I really felt sad about how little offers of support there were, how anti-single mother and prejudiced some of my friends were. My ex is continually bad mouthing me, even at one stage contacting my future employer through a friend of his and badmouthing me. Yesterday, I found out that he and his new wife had badmouthed me to my old childminder, who we have always kept in contact with, and who lives close to him, and then I understood the reason for her recent distance. It seems endless! However, today my children's End of Year Reports were excellent with both of them achieving scores of 99 and 98 and 99 and 96, along with excellent comments about their behaviour and work ethic. Just thinking of that makes me able to wade through the rest of the rubbish.

Thanks again for all the kind and inspirational replies.