Need opinions on boyfriend's action re. Facebook

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I badly need unbiased opinions about something that has just happened with my boyfriend and I.
I was on facebook.. and had shared a funny link, a joke,fcv vb vvbby from a friend of mine and posted it on my page. A guy I had previously known about 3 or 4 years ago and who I am friends with on facebook 'liked' this post. I then just made a comment attached to that post tagging him and again the comment was about the joke in the posting. It was a paddy irish type of joke and nothing sexual whatsoever was in joke or comment, etc.

I am going out with my boyfriend just less than a year now and I knew this guy from my past. I had told him about this guy and how we had just had some oral sex together- nothing else. My boyfriend does believe me and knows that nothing else happened. I am 100% honest in the relationship, as I assume he is, and have nothing to hide so when I tell him something like that he can be sure it is the truth. If I had of had sex with the guy, I would have told him so. As it is it was just some oral sex, and not really that much either. Just a little fooling around. And like I said, this was at least 2/3 years before I met my boyfriend.

So... my boyfriend got angry when he saw that this guy had liked my post and that I addressed him specifically by his name when I had added a further comment related to the post. He claims that he doesn't want me to talk with a guy that I had even oral sex with in the past. And he says that, (rest of paragraph are his words), " oral sex is Sex "its disrespectful" to talk with him in comments because we both know something happened in the past, and the guy might go off to talk with me while I have my fb relationship status, feeling great about him self. His opinion is, that to respect the other partner i should cut every one off that i had sex with, he doesnt stay in touch with anyone he had sex with either"

Is this at all reasonable? I for the life of me cannot see how it is when he is only now a mere acquaintance on facebook.

My boyfriend is reading this too as I want us both to get impartial opinions on whether he is right or wrong here..

Legs.Eleven

Your boyfriend is suffering from a bout of jealousy and that's his issue, not yours. After all your explaining he still gets angry?? That would wreak my head. I don't understand what his problem is bar his own jealousy. I have exes on Facebook and people who I've slept with that my boyfriend knows about but he knows it's the past (everyone has a past) and has every reason to trust me as I've given him no reason not to.

Jealousy tears relationships apart, boyfriend. Be careful.

Esoteric_

It's not reasonable at all.

It's normal to have friends, and many people stay friends with exes or flings. One of my closest friends, if not the closest, is an ex who I dated long-term. Any guy I've gone out with since has known about and accepted this.

Ultimately, if your boyfriend trusted you, this shouldn't be an issue. Sounds like jealousy and insecurity to be blunt.

hollster2

Well I had to delete my facebook which doesnt bother me one bit over something well not simalar but my bf didnt like me on it and I lost contact with alot of old friends I mean if it was only a like thats ok but I can understand because u have a past kind of with this guy but its not fair on you either your not doing anything behind his back and you told him I dont understand why guys get like that so to the bf dont ruin your relationship on jealousy I know so many couples who have fallen out over fb thats why I got rid of mine not worth the hassle but to you dont bf you need to trust her more.

deisemum

I agree with the previous poster (Legs.Eleven), your boyfriend's jealousy does not bode well for the future. There's nothing attractive about an insecure jealous partner and they rarely improve, usually get worse.

Rioghain

This sounds very unreasonable to me. Your boyfriend cannot expect you
to cut everybody that you have a past with out of your life, no matter
what you did with them. At the end of the day it is up to you who you talk to, keep in contact with, chat on facebook with etc.

Like the other posters I agree it sounds like jealousy on his part and this
suggests that there are trust issues, which are not a part of a healthy relationship. I hope he sees sense.

December2012

I dunno, now I'm with my husband for longer than facebook or social media has been around.

I am not friends with any of my exes (them being teenage boyfriends / flings) and neither is my husband. I'm not jealous, but I wouldn't like it if he all of a sudden was in contact with one of his exes, and I know he wouldn't like it if I were. Not in a jealous way, just in a "uncomfortable" way. Or a "dragging up the past" way.

Look your boyfriend has expressed an insecurity. Now you have to decide how do you react - in my opinion you basically have 3 options.

1. Do you simply say "well I don't care about your insecurity, I think I'm right and I'm going to do whatever I want irrespective of your feelings" (and I'm not putting words into your mouth, I'm just giving a behaviour example).

Or,
2. Accept that he is insecure / jealous / uncomfortable about you being in touch with this guy, and try to understand that is his feeling and his truth. Even if you don't see the need for him to be insecure / jealous / uncomfortable, you can understand and appreciate why HE would feel that way, being HIM.

Then you can
2 (a) - Tell him that you understand his feelings but reassure him that you are with him and the past does not matter, and also that you didn't do it to hurt him. Having said that, you do not want him to dictate whom you can and cannot be friends with and in touch with and he will just have to trust you.

or
2 (b) Tell him that you understand his feelings but reassure him that you are with him and the past does not matter, and also that you didn't do it to hurt him and stop being friends with people that you had sex with.

The choice is yours. Personally I would go for something along the lines of 2a.

Separately, I don't see why you are making the distinction between penetrative and oral sex. At the end of the day its genitalia and it is an intimate act, so let that part of the argument slide.

tbh

innobee wrote: »

His opinion is, that to respect the other partner i should cut every one off that i had sex with, he doesnt stay in touch with anyone he had sex with either"

Hello OP's boyfriend (as you're reading this).

Here's a newsflash. Your partner has had sex with other people. She's touched other people sexually, other people have touched her sexually, uglies were bumped. DEAL WITH IT. She's with you now, but if you keep on whining about her past and telling her to cut off all contact with anyone that may have seen her naked you're going to lose her, and nobody would have any sympathy for her.

You know what people find attractive in a partner? Confidence. Confidence is a trait that tell your partner you're worth being with. Petty jealousy about previous partners gives off the impression that you don't really feel you can measure up, and that your partner is inevitably going to find this out and go off with one of her ex's.

She's with you now. She chooses to be with you. Man the fcuk up and stop your whining. Don't be that guy.

uch

TBH it's none of his business who you had sex with before you met him, tell him to grow up

Am I the only one that finds all of this very weird? Just the fact that the boyfriend was there reading as the OP posted this. There could be so much more that we don't know about - if he reacted that badly over something silly and small, then Lord knows how he reacts over other things.

Do you get jealous on a night out and other guys chat her up? Or if she looks at other guys? Or whatever else.

In the past, I've had jealous boyfriends like you make friends that I'm quite close to cut contact with me. It sucks. There would be absolutely nothing happening, or something might have happened in the past, and suddenly I'm dropped as a friend. And let me tell you, it sucks. I would never consider asking my girlfriend to stop talking to people she fooled around with before me, or had sex with, or flirted with, or whatever else. Why? Because it's not my place to. She had a past before me, just like I had one before her.

Guess what, your girlfriend has a past before you and so do you.

So you can get your act together and focus on what is more important, like getting over whatever hangups you have about yourself/your girlfriend's past, rather than these silly matters.

Lorna123

I think you should ask yourself if you would like your b/f to be chatting to an ex on facebook in similar circumstances. You will probably say that you wouldn't mind but I bet it would make you feel a little bit uncomfortable. This is how your o/h feels right now and I suppose he made the mistake of saying it out straight where normally we keep things like this to ourselves.

I agree with December above. It would be nice if you tried to reassure your b/f by doing something as simple as what he is asking you to do if it means that much to him. At the moment he cannot help how he feels and if this ex guy means nothing to you then why not appease your b/f and do what he asks. There is no right or wrong here. You would just be trying to make things better between you. I don't happen to think there is any harm in chatting to an ex but if your o/h doesn't like it then why not take this into consideration.