Mother troubles

LegacyUser

Hey!

I think I'm overthinking all of this, just as a starter.

I'm 20. It feels like my mam can't trust me. She's in hospital atm for a few days and my older sister is bending over backwards trying to get a few days off to mind my little sister. It feels like my mam can't trust me enough to get my sister up and dressed for school etc, cook dinner. Like I'm off break for college, I'm free all day every day, but she asks my sister to take the time off. I've done it before like. When my sister had to work yesterday, she couldn't get time off, she rang at least every 30 minutes to check up on me. When everything was absolutely fine. It really just annoyed me.

Even with the likes of emergency contact forms etc. She always puts my sisters details on, not mine. Even though it's easier for me to leave college and collect my sister from whatever as I'm a ten minute walk from her school, while my sisters work is an hour away. I'm my little sisters godmother too, but it feels like I'm not. I know most people don't take that seriously, but I do. It feels like my older sister is more of the godmother here.

Even when my mam was pregnant, she didn't tell me until 6 months up, and she told my older sister from the very start. It always feels weird thinking I only found out from my friends asking when she was due. Or another time, she said she was going to a birthday in Cork, turns out she went to Spain for the weekend. My sister knew the whole plan. I don't really understand why she didn't tell me. I couldn't speak to her for a weeks because that lie hurt me.

Myself and my mother have a great relationship besides those things. We're close to each other, go shopping and concerts together, all usual mother/daughter things.

I promised myself not to get upset about it all and take it all on the chin, but it is upsetting me now. I think because of the short lies and not trusting me, I'm resenting my mother a little.

Meauldsegosha

Maybe your mother doesn't trust you because you are kind of self involved. Your mother was 6 months pregnant and you didn't notice until yours friends pointed it out.

Magicmatilda

Have you given your mum and older sister any reason not to trust you? I think you should have a chat with your mum and sister about it? If my sister was calling every 30mins I would answer and tell her that if I have any problems I will call her but I will not be answering every 30mins.

Pandora2

Firstly I am sure that you are more than capable of filling in whilst your Mum is unwell and I am sure she knows that too!! However, you don't mention the age gap between you and your Sister. I have two daughters with a significant gap between them and I am only realising how able my youngest is!! For many Years she was my baby and was quite happy not to be called upon for such things. It still is a surprise to me that she is, in fact, more capable and willing than her elder sister. Perhaps, after the current situation is resolved, and you and your Mum are just hanging out, you might mention that you enjoyed helping out and the responsibility was welcome and maybe tell her you were glad to do something that eased her worries! It may just be habit that she thinks of you as too young to shoulder such responsibility, this is not in anyway a reflection on your abilities perhaps it's just habit, I know it was with me!!

Boombastic

Maybe she doesn't want to load the responsibility on to you.

December2012

No mention of a Dad so I'm assuming he us not in the picture?

It may be that she is more used to relying on your older sister out of habit instead of you.

Go easy on your Mam, it must be difficult being in hospital so don't add to the problems now.

Keep showing how much she can trust you - remember that it is earned, not given - and park the issue for a while until home life is calmer.

Queen-Mise

I think you are mistaking the cart for the horse... It is not that she doesn't trust you, but is either one of two things: still thinks of you as a baby or the eldest sister has taken on 'parenting' role, and that is 'who' you turn to when stuff is going on.

I'd ask her straight, in a couple of months and see if she is even conscious of what she is doing. Make sure to ask when absolutely nothing else is going on.

I am working at the moment for my mother to trust me more, she automatically goes to someone else, but then there is six of us.

thefeatheredcat

OP you'd have to take things from your mother's perspective in that there might be a chance she doesn't want to burden you or dump what is her responsibility onto you. She could even feel guilty about the prospect of doing that. You're 20, on break from college, maybe she wants that you go off and enjoy being young while you can, responsibility free? That would be much more preferable than being tied down to minding a child, even if you don't mind it for a while, but it would restrict what you can and can't do because of having to mind your younger sibling.

Is your elder sister much older than you? Is she driving and working? Are you driving? If you had to take your younger sister to a&e or out of hours doctor's service or to say for example, a social or sports group, would you be able to undertake that responsibility? What if it meant driving 40 minutes away to somewhere where you have basic directions from the group that might not be clear? I know there's a difference between walking a child 10 minutes to school and what I'm asking here, but it would make a difference in undertaking the responsibility of getting the child from A to B and with who to look for that support if the parent can't provide that themselves. Realistically, if your elder sister was not there right now, would you be able to cope and manage looking after both your mother and your younger sister, the household and whatever needs doing?

I can't see any reason but care that your sister might have rung a dozen times checking in on you and your sister on your own. No doubt your mother did the same thing to her, and perhaps she is just repeating the same behaviour in checking that you're ok, being a mother hen, rather than trying to make you feel you can't cope or that you're not up for the responsibility.

I think it makes practical sense that the elder sibling is put on the contact forms for your younger sibling. If anything ever happens to your mother, who do you think might be in the better position to look after your younger sibling in the long run? Would you be in a position any given day of the week while in college (either where you are or elsewhere) or while out with friends to accept a phonecall from your sister's school who rings saying she's sick and has to go home, to be able to turn up within an hour unworried about your stuff and full focus on your sister, getting her home, to the doctor, to bed, whatever and at whatever cost and sacrifice of your personal time or plans made (such as cancelling a date, being unavailable for an exam / friends / activities / project work / assignments / job interview) to look after her? At the drop of a hat, dropping all your plans or whatever you were doing at the time? And what about it not being your younger sibling, but your mother? Your sister's work may know she is the emergency contact and may be able to allow exceptional time off to deal with it, which is probably what they are doing now where possible as she is the emergency contact.

As for the holiday and your mother being pregnant - while hurtful to you that she didn't tell you but gave you a cover story, there could be good reason for that such as not wanting to worry you if you were younger and her being far away; perhaps, depending on what you were doing at the time, she didn't want you distracted or worried about the pregnancy and her health. There could be endless reasons why she kept that from you, maybe didn't know how to tell you or something.

If you want to be given more responsibility and to be taken into confidence about perhaps sensitive matters, you need to show your mother you are able for that. And that is something you can do now, in looking after the house for her, having it clean, having done all the grocery shopping, and if you're not already doing that but your elder sister is, offer to do that stuff for her to ease the burden on her. I'm not saying go and show responsibility by paying off whatever bills are sitting there, but show that you can be responsible firstly for yourself, can look after basic things in the house, can identify obvious stuff that needs doing around and can pitch in.

I don't think you should write off not being involved in having any responsibility at all..... your elder sister may well be the go-to person for your mother.... but your sister will need you too to be a support to her, on side with her and able to show a willingness and pick up the slack where necessary.

For now I'd shelve discussing the matter with your mother until she is well again, and I'd actually shelve having a discussion with your elder sister too, but let her know that whatever slack needs picking up, you're there to do it and there to take on whatever she needs you to do. It's a way to prove to yourself and them that you are capable of it.

It's easy to resent not being involved or being given any responsibility.... but it is just as easy to resent having all the burden of responsibility that is not your own without really knowing how long for and when you can have your own life back. Rather than resenting not having the responsibility or feeling like you can't be trusted to feeling like you are seen as incapable, you could be feeling that you've spent your 20s stuck with no life but a life of responsibility and never having lived, doing fun stuff and generally missing out on experiences.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the replies.

I think maybe I was overthinking it all. My older sister is 33. She was 13 when I was born, and helped my mam out with minding me while I was a baby too, while she was still a teenager (if that made any sense). So my mother knows that she's able to take care of my sister. I am too, but I kind of understand. My older sister still babys me too, when my mam goes away etc.

This only bothers me now and again, as my mam doesn't work and has my sister all day besides school. I take my sister out on day trips often too and we bake together. I guess that's where my responsibility comes in

Maybe I was overthinking it all...

LegacyUser

Hi, OP back again.

I think things have gotten worse. Things have been tough the past few days. Right now I'm sitting on my bed crying my eyes out.

Myself, my older sister and mother had a row. Basically, my little sister was acting up with my mother, so I went out into the hall to see what was wrong. My older sister followed out and says 'what's the go to do with you? You don't even care if she hits my mother or you meet mind her or anything' which is very much not true. Of course I care. I found it very insulting. I still do. I always take her out on daytrips.

Me and her kept arguing til my mother broke us up, my sister went upstairs to her room and me into the kitchen. My mother follows me in and starts questioning me 'what's my problem with her?' Maybe I have got a problem idk but ofc it's my fault. I asked why did my mother always side with her over me, why this pregnancy thing, this holiday and she said it wasn't true. I know I'm still very bitter over it all. But honestly I don't think I've ever felt loved by my mother. From day one in my whole life it's always been my older sister that makes the decisions, that my mother gives the new makeup too after winning a 150 euro hamper, did I get a look in even? That my mother goes on weekends away with and I'm always sitting at home babysitting.
I tried my best to tell her how I felt and it was still dismissed like it wasn't true. I've never gotten an 'I love you' or and sort of affection. I try my best for it. I stay up until 1am cleaning the floors, doing the dishes and I'm still called 'lazy' and I don't do anything from my sister.

I hate this. What have I done even.