Completely destroyed after this

ella22

Hi guys. New here, so looking for some advice. sorry for how long this is, but I really need some perspective.

I moved away from home and went to college in Dublin where Im now living. I got involved with a man a few years ago. It was never really a relationship, we would see each other frequently, chat a lot, become intimate, but he always evaded the "relationship" becoming serious or just dating each other.
He treated me badly, not showing up for events, not calling, and bringing up exes while we were out together and a lot more, but my head is just fried from all the stress I cant even remember. despite all this I fell for him. stupid I know, but I did. I guess I liked his interests and his good aspects were attractive, but I should have ran when the red flags started showing. Needless to say I didnt and it went on for a number of years Im ashamed to say.

things went from bad to worse. I held on and tried to broach the possibility of exlusiveness where he would get thick and make me out to be some bunny boiler, I know I should have accepted he would never be that, but there was always some excuse on his part and I guess I liked him so much, I wasnt strong enough to walk away. we would then not talk for months, where I would tell him not to ever contact me again and I did stick to it. but he would end up texting me and we would get in contact again. I would ask him to leave me alone as I had feelings and weeks later he would appear, he started saying he liked me a lot, had feelings, that we would be together and messing with my head, he said he was messed up and didnt know what he wanted. and then when I tried to be sympathetic and say to meet up when he suggested, he knocked me back, saying he wasnt into me and I had to get over it.

eventually I got sick of it, and we did cease speaking for a long time, unfortunately I ran into him months later and we started chatting again, he started drunk ringing me with quite vulgar things and I asked him to stop as it was really hurting me, he said he would but he started again. months later I found out he was seeing someone and even though I was a little hurt, it felt good that his interests were elsewhere and not constantly taking me back to point 1 everytime. but then then I got a phone call one evening saying he wanted to see me again, that he loved me and he wanted to keep it on the sly just until he knew what he wanted. i said I was disgusted and I hungup. he apologised and the next day I got a horrible text saying Id have never been good enough or work out anyway. a week later, he rings when out telling me he's sorry. I hung up and I changed my number, as I was actually physically sick from what he had done.

months later when I was out, he then found out where I was one night and stood directly across the club where I was with friends for over an hour. I wanted to leave but it was a gig we were at and I wasnt going home alone as I was staying with a friend that evening. I eventually said hello and we were talking. I got intimate with him that night even though I shouldnt have. he texted me on and off the next while. but I knew I had messed up. I ended up drunk texting him on 2 occasions afterwards and he was pretty crude with me. I apologised and said I wasnt in a good place, that I just wanted to get on with my life without him, and he was hurting me by being in it.

I mistakeningly texted him this week but not while being out, I was at home, had a rough day and I texted asking after him. what I got back was horrible. I was told to f***k off and that I was a weirdo.

needless to say Im in bits. I know my self esteem has to be bad to tolerate and act this way all these years but Im just so hurt right now. the worst part is Im a fairly normal person otherwise, good job, great friends, good social life and a lot going for me. but I seemed to have dropped all standards and respect for myself these last few years with this person. I guess what Im trying to ask is how do I pick myself up from this. Im not weird and his comments have really bruised me. I know Im in the wrong too but Im just so upset I dont know what to do. sorry for the length of this. any advice would be great.

ShaShaBear

You need to read that post again and stop digging this hole for yourself. There's no soft way to tell you that you are setting yourself up for this.

The Princess Bride

ella22 wrote: »

I wasn't strong enough to walk away.

Yes you were,you deleted his number before and walked away.
You can keep walking, now that you've seen his true colours.
The hardest part is taking those first steps in the opposite direction-you've done this.

ella22 wrote: »

The worst part is I'm a fairly normal person otherwise, good job, great friends, good social life and a lot going for me.

Ella,that's not the worst part-that's the best part.
Keep telling yourself this every day,and it'll help you heal, and build your self esteem.
This excuse for a human being will treat others like this again and again.
You are the better person,because you can see what he was/is like.
He cannot.

Best of luck and stay strong.

beks101

Here's how I read your post:

"I met a man and he punched me in the face. The next time I met him he punched me in the face. So I told him I didn't want anything to do with him, he kept on texting me, I got weak and gave in and met him again and he punched me in the face. Months went on, he met someone new, told me he wanted to keep me as his bit on the side, kept on texting me disrespectful things and the next time I caved and gave in, he punched me in the face. Most recently, in a moment of weakness, I contacted him again. And he punched me in the face"

You know what you're getting with this man and you know he'll never change his behaviour towards you. You know all about what he has to offer you. And yet you keep going back.

There's something in your pathology that's causing you to do so. There's something familiar & comfortable about this behaviour to you. You need to find those reasons and diffuse them, in order to be able to move on with your life and be capable of having a healthy relationship. I would strongly advise seeking out a good counsellor to help you.

LegacyUser

Read that message he sent you again.
The next time you even think of texting him or sleeping with him remember that message and how you feel right now.
If you text when drunk and regret it then please rethink your drinking. This guy won't change, he
Doesn't care about you. He only does these things because you let him. He will never be the person you want him to be and he'll never want you the way you want him to.
This DOES NOT mean that you are stupid, foolish, useless, unworthy of love etc it means that he is an ASSHOLE.

Do not reply to that message.
If you contacts you again ignore it. Don't accept any apologies or get drawn into a conversation.
Ignore ignore ignore.
If you feel the urge to contact him even to be angry or tell him how hurt you are do not do it.
If you are out, ignore him. If he comes over and starts talking to you you can say hello back and then talk to someone else. Do not be alone with him. If he asks to speak to you alone just say youre busy. You don't need to blank him in person but do not engage in conversation.
Just draw a line under this person once and for all and move on. You deserve so much better than this.

ella22

thank you everyone for the reply. I agree with it all. I am officially done with it, I 'm just a little hurt right now, feel raw, I dont miss him or anything, I just feel raw from it all. I dont need counselling, I just feel like the bad person for after getting that message, like there's something wrong with me. I want to move on now and be happy. Im just not sure what steps I need to take to do this. Ive done all the deleting numbers, avoiding similar hangouts before, but how do you erase that cringy feeling in your brain or stop thinking back on it

Chara1001

Simple answer- it'll take time.
Stay strong & good luck

Lorna123

The reason you are going back for more of his behaviour is because you are trying to convince yourself that he cares for you and you cannot accept that he doesn't. Each time you give him some leeway you think it will be proved that he actually does care but then he shows that he doesn't and you are back at square one again. What you need is to get it fixed in your mind that he doesn't care about you and nothing that you do is going to change this. You are allowing him to mistreat you. He doesn't even care enough for you to be kind to you.

What you have to do is have more respect for yourself and don't allow anyone to treat you like this. Don't ever text him again and if you ever bump into him ignore him. He is only boosting his own ego wanting to know if you are still mad about him and once his ego is stroked he abuses you again. For him it is like "no matter what I do to this girl, she is still there for me". So he keeps at it. You need to show him that you are not prepared to boost his ego anymore.

You need to have more respect for yourself and keeping well away from this guy is a good start. Once you start to stand up for yourself you will feel a lot better. Don't waste your time thinking about the past, as it only brings heartache. Instead dwell on how you have learnt from this horrible experience and how you are never going to fall into this trap again, with anyone. At least you now recognize that this liaison is not doing you any good, so the next step is not to allow it to happen again.

Merkin

ella22 wrote: »

thank you everyone for the reply. I agree with it all. I am officially done with it, I 'm just a little hurt right now, feel raw, I dont miss him or anything, I just feel raw from it all. I dont need counselling, I just feel like the bad person for after getting that message, like there's something wrong with me.

You feel hurt and raw because you obviously still harbour feelings for him. Don't confuse good sex/chemistry with him being a potentially good boyfriend. It's not going to happen. He's not suddenly going to become a nice and decent human being. I mistakenly had someone like this in my life years ago and he was an out and out douchebag but there does come a point when enough is enough. Pull yourself together. You're basically pining for something that isn't going to happen. Don't delete that text either - he told you to fcuk off and that you are a weirdo. Read it repeatedly until a. his nastiness and vileness as a human being sinks in and b. realise that HE is the weirdo and HE is the one who needs to fcuk off. Stop entertaining him and move on, you're wasting your time on a toxic non entity.